How to stop DD embarrassing me?

[HEllo114]

My DD acts up whenever we see people. How can I plan ahead and not let this become another day like previous ones. examples: park playdate with my daughters friend went lovely they had a great time and us mums got along and chatted away. At the end I have my DD enough notice (10 minutes to go etc.). The other girls when told by their mums they are leaving happily got off the equipment and went whereas my DD started crying she didn’t want to leave and punched me! One mum witnessed this and looked horrified. I felt so embarrassed. They must think I’m such a bad mother. She’s 8 btw. She has these melt downs all the time. Not ND. Spoken to school who have said she’s well behaved at school.

She does it with you as she is comfortable not to mask with you. ASD kids can be very caring and compassionate. She probably brings in extra snacks so they don't take hers. Nothing that you have said would mean she is not ND.

Why didn't you take the sweets of her then. You need to toughen up. Don't let her make a mug of you.

Why is this always suggested on a bad behaviour thread. Can kids just not be spoilt and badly behaved anymore with being autistic. I'm sure the op would know by now Id her daughter was on the spectrum. She's even said other people think she's spoilt.

Consider discussing it with your GP. You will know better if she's being spoilt or if there's something more to it.

At first impression it sounds like possible ND. Girls are very different to boys. My personal experience found model pupil behaviour at school (and anywhere outside the house) and complete opposite behaviours in their "safe" space (within home, with parents etc).

Sounds like your doing all the right things. Keep your head up and remind yourself "Its not easy but you're doing well!"

Punching me would have got her grounded for 5 days. No electronics (tv/ipad etc), in bedroom, only allowed out for meals. We have had to do this once with each of our kids when they have physically hurt someone on purpose (mine are nd). Yes it's a pain to do but it got into their heads that the behaviour was totally unacceptable.

Being on their best behaviour with other people but acting out with those they feel safest with (usually the parents) is classic ND behaviour! ND children can often spend all day at school being the perfect child and masking beautifully (and girls, especially, are excellent at masking), but then arrive home and seemingly turn into the spawn of satan. This is because they feel safe with their family, safe to let their enotions and feelings out. So please don't assume that because she can act well at school, she's not ND. I'm not saying she is, but don't use that to rule it out. I'm afraid I have no advice. I'm autistic but was always a goody goody. However, my granddaughter is also autistic and she behaved in much the same way as your daughter. Her behaviour improved drastically when she moved to a SEN school and now, at 13, she's a completely different child. I can only suggest you talk to the SEN coordinator at her school and see what they think.

I would be talking to her before you go and making it clear exactly what behaviour you expect from her. If she struggles with transitions give a 10 minute warning, a 5 minute warning then a 2 minute warning. Start looking to see if certain situations trigger her like noisy or busy places.

If she behaves like that I would be removing her technology for the rest of the day and explaining once she is calm why. The next day she should get it back though and start afresh with behaviour. Regardless of if NT of ND punching is unacceptable behaviour and she needs to know this though it's important to understand that behaviour is communication and figure out the reason for that communication.

I have 2 ND children and wouldn't tolerate being punched but equally would not put them in situations that I knew they couldn't cope with either. One of my kids has loops and one has ear defenders for busy places, I give time warnings, social stories, visual charts, ensure they are fed well and drink frequently and talk to them about acceptable behaviour. They have been taught to give us a signal and give teachers a signal when they are struggling to cope and go have a break or we leave.

Please don't assume she isn't ND as she behaves well in school. Girls mask much better than boys particularly before puberty so it can be difficult to spot signs of girls being nuerodivergent. My son is older now and can mask very well in school and is much better behaved than most of the NT boys in his year but couldn't when he was younger. Many of the girls we know that are ND masked well at a young age and struggled much more as they got older.

Have a read up on information about autistic girls as it might surprise you.

I let her push the trolley as I didn’t want a meltdown in the middle of tescos.

you put up with the meltdown and you don’t let her get her own way. Otherwise the lesson she learns is “I threaten a meltdown and I get what I want’

No, it's because we have ND kids and we recognise the signs. At the end of the day what harm is there in doing a screening? However, there is massive harm in burying your head in the sand and trying to punish your child if they are ND.

Right. This sort of stuff is why diagnosing girls is so recent. Such a long way to go. So many girls are diagnosed with EUPD in their teens and beyond still because they weren't seen to actually be autistic. It's so sad.

Many people do not realise their DC is ND. Some kids may be spoilt and badly behaved. But some kids people may think they are badly behaved when they are ND. Those of us with ND kids know the signs inside and out. That's why so many of us have picked up on it. What harm is there in getting her screened? None. What harm in not doing that if she is ND? A hell of a lot!

There is a school of thought that EUPD is a neuro diversity. I have EUPD (and autism) and really think it is.

She might be just spoilt and a brat. I was only sharing my suggestion as my brother was the same and other people have suggested it. Sometimes parents can’t see the behaviour as it can be mistaken for being naughty etc. it’s not a bad thing at all.

Because nowadays there’s always a get out clause for parents who can’t parent properly. Is it any wonder that we have a society of out of control youngsters and teachers leaving the profession in droves? I read so many of these replies and I feel like tearing my hair out.

And I say this as a diagnosed autistic person myself. This little girl may well be ND, but punching anyone is not acceptable and spoilt, bratty behaviour needs dealing with. ND children still need to learn what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour.

Op mine are ND as Iv said so can be very hair trigger. We made family rules that are written on a board in the kitchen and consequences for breaking them (age appropriate).

Have a read of the incredible years book or there's audio book. I found it very useful.

I dont agree with her punching you of course, but I used to find my dc would create more when the playground was a less frequent activity. When we went more often they were happy to come away because they knew we would be going back again soon. When I was ill and it became more of a treat, they used to hate leaving because they didn't know how long it would be until they got to go back again. As I say, not condoning her reaction at all, but maybe this is part of the issue?
Edited to add: I havent read all the replies so might be repeating. Page didnt reload to show all the newer posts when I opened my browser!

Ok, so mine is an old fashioned approach but when one of mine tried to do that he got firmly removed from the trolley and told off with a very cross mum expression and he knew I meant business, Sounds like you’re so scared of her reaction you give in - and she knows it. So all she has to do is push hard - and you give way.

I don’t believe in lots of negotiation - my DC knew our house was not a democracy. Parents are in charge.

This isn’t normal behaviour and you need to take firm steps to get it in hand now.

different things work for different kids.
Check out bratbusters on IG

she’s American but it’s simple and no nonsense. my DH and I find it straight forward and while our ddis younger it works well. I really see the difference in our DDs behaviour. She’s very strong willed (even our CM who is a total pro and has been around the block said this to us)

As an example, she’s not quite 2.5 we were in a supermarket and she wanted a biscuit I said no 🫣 and she took a minute to assess the situation, saw I meant business? And accepted it.
8 weeks ago it would have been a full meltdown.
We do countdown in the playground and she goes along with it and goes home no issue now. I would have been shocked if you told my this was possible 2 months ago

There are no "drugs" for ASD and its unbelievably hard to get a diagnosis (especially in girls).

@HEllo114 you just almost exactly described my autistic son when he was that age. You are the safe space, they mask the rest of the time and it falls apart when they feel safe.

What a fantastic post demonstrating how some people completely lack any understanding of what neurodiversity is, how it can manifest, how it can be handled to create functioning young adults in many cases and of course how in the vast majority of cases you don't get any benefits. What a lovely sneer that was, well done!

Again, the ignorance is astounding.

You need to come down hard op, she needs to know she’s not going to get her own way and if that means kicking and screaming in the middle of tescos… cool go for it. Walk away. She still won’t win. You have to be in control.