To have a niggling feeling that my bf won't propose to me?

[Cheesygirl]

I have a niggling feeling that my bf won't propose to me. We have a very good relationship where he is thoughtful takes care of me, gifts etc.
I fell pregnant very early in the relationship and now we have a six month old daughter. He is a good father(he now does 50% that I have gone back to work). We are saving to buy a house, he has a life insurance set up for me and my daughter and he shows he is committed all the way.
However I have the niggling feeling he won't propose to me for engagement or marriage. He says he wants to marry me and our daughter to be a bridesmaid in our wedding when she is about 3-4 and he has told other people as well.
He hasn't However spoken about any engagement interim or any other form of formal commitment. I asked him to sign a cohabitation agreement with me but didn't want to saying real love doesn't need contracts and he finds it insulting.
I do believe that he loves me a lot he is saying that daily and doing things to prove it so there's no doubt about that. Yesterday we were on a date day at the Natural History Museum and we were at the gemstone section. I told him that I like the aquamarine stone and I would like some day a ring with this on it. He was joking about Haribo rings and he had some banter throughout. When we went to the pub, I was looking at rings (not Engagement just jewellery) with aquamarine. We looked at a few and said that he wouldn't buy me a cheap ring. Then I said what about engagement rings? As the description of a few rings was mentioning engagement. He replied, "Where did that come from " . I said it is on the description. "This isn't what it is about " he said then.
Then he continued the joke about Haribo rings and that I shouldn't wear it on my left finger in case of confusion. I said so what you wouldn't want people to think we are engaged or married? He replied definitely not with a Haribo ring lol. I said to him is that how much you value me? He said obviously he was joking about that and that love is not counted in material value. I said to him that's a part of it as well. But something about his whole reaction to the engagement ring mentions threw me off so I wasn't as warm the rest of the evening. He picked up on that and started asking what is going on and if I love him. He then said I'm his everything to him.
The thing here is that he is showing that to me daily. However I just have this feeling inside me. I dont know if I'm right or wrong here. I don't believe he is lying when he says he loves me etc.

The engagement for him is neither here nor there, as others have said, if you’ve had the conversation about getting married there is no need for an engagement for some people

Agree. I don't have an engagement ring and didn't have an "engagement" period. Just a conversation. He said he'd like us to be married, I said me too.
We were nowhere special, just a local pub. Rang the register office the following week and booked a month or so ahead. Very small wedding, about a dozen of us. Pub beforehand and booked a restaurant for after.

No massive 'proposal moment' and no massive wedding.
We're just as married as any other married couple.

If marriage is important to you why on earth did you have a baby and are planning on buying a house with someone when you're not married to him?

Be clear on what you want in your own head first, it sounds like you're a bit confused. Then sit down like adults and discuss what you want, what he wants, where you overlap and where you differ, and figure out if you can reconcile differences.

Dragging out the timeline now is pointless, you're already connected for life as co-parents. If one or other of you isn't ready for long-term commitment then you had no business having a child together.

There's no way I'd be hanging around in vague hopes of a ring, not with a shared child involved. Clarity is required, and now.

Either he agrees to marry and soon; or you agree to a relationship without marriage; or you both agree to move on to the separated co-parenting phase of your lives (which is likely inevitable at some point anyway).

OP, my DH played this game. We bought a house together, then after a year or so he made some hints about marriage. But when I brought it up, he immediately tried to shut the conversation down, while implying it was on the cards. So I waited several years (I wanted to be married because of the financial implications of owning a large house together, plus inheritance issues, but also because I loved him and wanted to make that commitment to each other.)

So I gave him time. No proposal. I brought the subject up again. Again got the reassurance that he wanted to, that he was about to propose, etc. He insisted he wanted to do it the traditional way, the big romantic proposal etc, so just be patient, etc. Rinse and repeat over several more years. Then finally he asked me, but then dragged out the engagement for three more years. Lots of other stuff like refusing to tell his kids (from his previous marriage) we'd got engaged, and so on.

In the end I felt completely gaslighted and was thinking about leaving. He promptly set a date. I flat refused to do anything about the ceremony. I no longer cared, and left it entirely to him to arrange. I also made it absolutely clear that I no longer had any romantic feelings about getting married and would only be doing it for financial security. Playing games for seven years, refusing to have an adult talk with me about it and ignoring the impact on my feelings completely changed how I felt about him. Even 15 years on, it has had an indelible impact on our relationship and I have zero romantic feelings about him any more. I stay with him because I can't face the upheaval of leaving, and my kids adore him. Ironically I'm the one who now talks about divorce, and it's him who's desperate to stay married.

Don't be me, OP. This casual disregard for your feelings is so corrosive. Constantly waiting for him to propose, him making it so difficult to talk about it, it builds resentment and will kill any love you have for him. I often wish now I'd just bitten the bullet and walked away years ago. It would have been hard, but I think in the long run I'd have been happier on my own.

Stop talking in riddles with him and say straight out that you want to get engaged. Dropping hints when he is having a bit of banter isn't the way to go about it. Some people don't pick up on hints, straight forward communication is always best.
If he doesn't want to get engaged does it really matter? You're already committed and you know he loves you.

So really you ARE engaged because he says he wants to get married - you just haven't got a ring.
But a ring doesn't make you more engaged than not having one. It's not a legal commitment or anything. It's just pretty bling.
Forget about a ring. Be honest - you don't want to wait until your daughter is older (his idea of a cute bridesmaid is just fantasy....4/5 year olds can be stroppy little things that insist on only ever wearing a batman costume).
Tell him you want to be married sooner. There doesn't need to be rings. There doesn't need to be a wedding.
All you need to get married is the licence, the registrar booked and two witnesses. That is it.

As someone who was strung along for years waiting for a proposal to my now ex, I wouldn't buy a house with anyone without either marriage or a contract.

This is so cringy 😬

You sound very young OP with all the talk of 'proposals' and 'forever girlfriend' only for you to say you don't really care about marriage and a promise ring would do 😆

You had a baby after 5 minutes which means you didn't have a chance to develop your relationship as two individuals normally would. Take a breath. Pushing the 'ring' thing while on a date day, scrolling on your phone looking at rings whilst at the pub, would put anyone off.
It's not a proposal you want, you've had that. He's proposed the idea of marriage in a few years and you've agreed. What you really want is a piece of jewellery without seeming to understand that it actually is just a piece of jewellery. It doesn't guarantee marriage. It really doesn't guarantee anything. Especially if it's bought just to stop you going on about a ring.
But I guess it's the ring that takes you out of the 'forever girlfriend' category and promotes you to 'maybe wife' one day? 🤷‍♀️

Talk in earnest at the right time.
Visit the topic and give it due discussion.

State your acceptable boundaries and listen to his.
Come to an agreement of time and whether he wants to propose or whether you will be ultra modern and agree together and announce an intention to marry and an engagement..

Then trust and let it sit until that time is up.
If he is still tardy to commit consider whether to leave or whether to ask your parents to ask him his true intentions.

What's a "promise ring"? What's a cohabitation agreement?

It sounds like you've been together less than two years. How long have you been talking about engagement as it feels quite claustrophobic just reading these posts.

There was a thread the other week about someone passively waiting for their partner to propose.

I have no time for men who won’t marry the mother of their child(ren). But the saving grace in your case is that you’re secure financially and the relationship has parity. If he keeps kicking the can down the road you’ll be ok in the event of a split. Meanwhile don’t go part-time or stop paying into your pension or anything like that.

TBH I don’t think that men who are genuinely keen on marriage are that bothered about their daughters being old enough to be flower girls. But maybe I’m being unfair on that score. You know him, I don’t.

OP, listen to your gut.
You got pregnant very quickly and decided to go ahead with it.
You skipped many steps in the "normal" run of things.
Unfortunately for many men this dissolves any desire to marry.
They see no value in it for THEM.

My advice to you is to sort out your contraception.
Do NOT have a second child with him while you feel he doesn't share your vision.
3 or 4 years away is I don't want to marry any time soon in man speak.

However, you are not together long at all so his reticence is not surprising.
See how the relationship goes but do NOT have a second child.

I would say to any woman who really wants to be married BEFORE having children, it is madness to just hope it will happen and go ahead with a pregnancy.
There is nothing wrong for wanting to follow tradition.
Likewise if a woman doesn't wish to marry, fine too.
But going on and having multiple children when he has been marriage shy after one child, strikes me as madness.

Women by far make the greatest sacrifices with their body, career, salary, pension, housing etc.
It is foolish not to acknowledge this.
Therefore it is very reasonable that they be proactive in protecting themselves.

He is entitled to not wish to marry if he doesn't want to, but if that is the case you really need to protect yourself.

One of the most STUPID things I read and hear is that marriage is a bigger commitment than having children.

NOTHING is as big a commitment to another person than having a child together.....particularly for a woman.

For men they say that marriage is a greater commitment simply because of money, and not being able to walk away as easily and having to share assets.

But for women the moment you have a child, you are ultimately at the mercy of the sincerity of your partner.

That is why being financially secure and independent if he has zero wish to marry you is so important, but it is also importsnt when you marry.

CMS can be paltry and when relationships fall apart women are ultimately left at the mercy of if the father wishes to be fully involved or a BMD (bare minimum dad).
If they don't wish to be hugely involved they can choose to pay paltry CM and feck off and continue on with their lives untroubled.

Mothers are left to carry the burden of providing a home, education, food whilst juggling childcare if they try to work.

So tough.

That's why IMO humble opinion, going ahead with a pregnancy with a man you barely know is complete madness and that is what I would communicate to my daughters in such a position.

Protect yourself OP, no one else will.

He formally acknowledged the relationship by staying when he got your pregnant. He now needs to formally acknowledge it legally and swiftly. Marriage does not need the boileaux of infants in pretty frocks handing over rings. Notwithstanding the fact that the marriage should have preceded the infant.

A mature perspective would be to get married in three months at a simple.register office ceremony, and the money yiu save in the next four ueats can be invested in your family's future.

I have seen several cases of woman getting pregnant in a relationship. Some of these babies were planned and some were not. At the moment you want to get married because it offers better legal protection to you, your child and partner.

In your situation I would take any money out of a joint savings account and put it into a high rate savings account in your own name. If he says why are you doing this just tell him I want to keep my money in my name for the moment. I would also look into Martin Lewis money site and see the best interest rate you can earn on this money. I would also look into the government saving scheme to help buy your 1st home were they give you a top up on your savings. Work on building up your own savings in your name and don't be saving money in a joint account.

I would look into all the legal rights a marriage would give to both of you and what would happen if anything happened to either of you at the moment.
When you chat to him about this I tell him how being not married effects you both if anything was to happen to either of you. Let him see how it benefits both of you to be married.
You don't need a big expense wedding. Your better off using this money towards buying a home or putting money towards your mortgage. I know several couples who got married without the big wedding and used this money towards a house purchase.

If he continues to say we do this in x number of years you can decide if you stay with him or split up. I would also ensure that your contraception is in place as you don't want another child with him until your married.

OP, to be honest, I would assume that he doesn't want to get married at the moment and make my plans in line with that in mind.

He's certainly skirting around the issue. A showing you he feels that it is his decision alone, not a shared decision, which given you're living together with a child, should not be the case.

Looks to me like he doesn't want to upset the nice life he has with you by being honest about getting married.

I would not be having anymore children in your situation, OP. Do not weaken yourself financially.

It is so important that no matter how happy you are now with your DP, that you have the financial means to exit a relationship.

The relationship is it's infancy , you're both still learning about each other, how you parent etc. It is understandable that he might just not be ready to have thoughts of marriage so early on.

Does he mean 4 years MORE?

Because, no. Absolutely not.

You've had his child! Engaged now and working towards a wedding within the next year or so. Year and a half tops.

If he's saying 4 more years, he's taking the Absolute piss and of course he doesn't want to marry you. Sorry but don't be taken for a mug.

If you stay with him, do.not.get.pregnant.again.

Also, by joint accounts, what do you mean?
Please tell me he doesn't have access to your main bank account!?! If so, remedy that immediately. A joint account for bills is fine but keep your main account singular. Otherwise you're taking massive risks with bells on.

Don't be passive moving forwards.

'I'd like to set the wedding for autumn 2025 or spring 2026. Which would you prefer?'.

You don't get to impregnate someone, choose to stay, say you want marriage but then take no active steps to pursue it. It's frankly, insulting.

There's not gonna be another child unless I'm at least engaged. No matter what he has to be honest with me if he doesn't want marriage or engagement. He could say look I'm very committed and here for the long term but I don't want to get engaged or married. It would be as simple as that. Yes I don't care about marriage per se now as we've been together less than two years but I would like a formal acknowledgement in a form of a ring or a contract.

Of course he's in charge of when he gets married!

But as so many people have told you an engagement means nothing! It can be ended immediately with just a few words.

Who's his next-of-kin?

Engagement means diddly squat when it comes to having another child.

Don't be foolish.
Why would you have another child with him if he didn't want to marry after one?

You are falling into the trap of so many other women.

Engagement is a ring....absolutely nothing else....don't kid yourself......many is the man who has used one to shut a woman up successfully, and still walked away.

He thinks so! It's surely a joint decision.

Exactly. It's meaningless. Is this about status, a ring or reassurance? It's difficult for both of you because agreeing to get married after 2 years together is still quite early in a relationship. The baby has accelerated this but, really, it's not unreasonable to not want to be be married yet. I don't hold any store with engagements and, in your case, if you did get engaged, you'd probably be wondering if it was a sop to keep you quiet.

Get protected financially and change the subject for the next 6 months.

As pp said, an engagement is just a promise. He's being promising lots until now amd yet, still no engagement. So his word is shaky at best.

No more babies until you marry! Be firm about that.

Engagement means sod from this guy until he can show he has follow through.

So many women on here with rings on their fingers for years and years and yet the wedding never happens because they stay anyway and act like a wife and have his kids.

Set a 2 year limit for the wedding to take place in and stick to it. If he hasnt married you by then, he never will.

Tbh op, i can't imagine letting a woman have my baby, knowing she wants marriage and not proposing to her.

Its just so...weak.

That doesn't mean it can't be long engagement. Or that within that time, it might be determined that you aren't compatible and so, the engagement ended and splitting up.

But the sheer fact that he's established you are both wanting marriage (supposedly) and you've had his baby and he has not put a ring on your finger! What a pathetic man.