To have a niggling feeling that my bf won't propose to me?

[Cheesygirl]

I have a niggling feeling that my bf won't propose to me. We have a very good relationship where he is thoughtful takes care of me, gifts etc.
I fell pregnant very early in the relationship and now we have a six month old daughter. He is a good father(he now does 50% that I have gone back to work). We are saving to buy a house, he has a life insurance set up for me and my daughter and he shows he is committed all the way.
However I have the niggling feeling he won't propose to me for engagement or marriage. He says he wants to marry me and our daughter to be a bridesmaid in our wedding when she is about 3-4 and he has told other people as well.
He hasn't However spoken about any engagement interim or any other form of formal commitment. I asked him to sign a cohabitation agreement with me but didn't want to saying real love doesn't need contracts and he finds it insulting.
I do believe that he loves me a lot he is saying that daily and doing things to prove it so there's no doubt about that. Yesterday we were on a date day at the Natural History Museum and we were at the gemstone section. I told him that I like the aquamarine stone and I would like some day a ring with this on it. He was joking about Haribo rings and he had some banter throughout. When we went to the pub, I was looking at rings (not Engagement just jewellery) with aquamarine. We looked at a few and said that he wouldn't buy me a cheap ring. Then I said what about engagement rings? As the description of a few rings was mentioning engagement. He replied, "Where did that come from " . I said it is on the description. "This isn't what it is about " he said then.
Then he continued the joke about Haribo rings and that I shouldn't wear it on my left finger in case of confusion. I said so what you wouldn't want people to think we are engaged or married? He replied definitely not with a Haribo ring lol. I said to him is that how much you value me? He said obviously he was joking about that and that love is not counted in material value. I said to him that's a part of it as well. But something about his whole reaction to the engagement ring mentions threw me off so I wasn't as warm the rest of the evening. He picked up on that and started asking what is going on and if I love him. He then said I'm his everything to him.
The thing here is that he is showing that to me daily. However I just have this feeling inside me. I dont know if I'm right or wrong here. I don't believe he is lying when he says he loves me etc.

He felt pressured to propose? That doesn't bode well.

I didn't pressure him to propose or anything. Anyway I hope things got sorted this morning

You want a public commitment and a ring... you should just admit you want to be married. Now.

It comes across so strongly that you are trying to convince yourself you are fine with this vague future plan. But you are not. And why should you be?

It's quite understandable. You are 37 you have a child, he says he loves you, what would you be waiting for?

The only thing you seem to be waiting for is so your daughter can hand you the rings. Which makes it seem more like you are planning a theater production not a committed life together. The ring handing over would be a brief moment and not half as significant as you imagine.

So you are going to agonise and wait for 4 years so a child can hand over a ring? Tbh that's a ridiculous reason to make such a decision.

Tell him you are ready for marriage now. You want the public commitment and the legal protection because you have a child and you both say you are committed to being together.

Get married. Get it done. You can then plan all the other things for your family: more children, home, education and the future generally.

You are putting this essential core decision on hold for a passingly cute moment in 4 years?
Don't.

Tell him now: you want to start planning a wedding.
See how he responds.
Then you'll have your answer.

I thought you said that's what he said?
He said he felt pressured to propose, didn't he?.
I'm not having a go, I'm just confused.

He said because I was looking at rings that he was taken a bit aback and felt pressure to propose in such a short time. I said that's not what it was and anyway why would he have an issue since he is already committed. And then the conversation followed

Well let’s see where that leads. But don’t wait on him too long oP.

I've been married twice and in neither case was a proposal made.

Oh I see, thank you.

I'll just keep my eyes open and in the meantime I'll enjoy my relationship but I won't give my all. He is my boyfriend and I'll keep the commitment to that level.

That seems a shame. Like you're withdrawing.

Your not fussed on marriage then I'd say to him let's book registry office ASAP and do it. No need to worry about engement rings then

How sad for your child.

Neither of you are prepared to do the best thing for your daughter: commit to each other.

Well I believe that's the best. I'm committed of course but at the level we are right now no more no less

I think seeing your ages surprises me too. I assumed you were both in your 20s. At your ages if he isn't ready to be engaged then he probably never will be.

OP I am sorry for your predicament and wish you all the best. But, as others have said, it does not matter at all what other people think about your relationship (unless you and they have shared strong religious values). Mostly, they won't give it a thought at all. Nowadays in England and Wales more people over 16 are unmarried than married www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/jan/25/proportion-of-married-people-in-england-and-wales-falls-below-50-for-first-time Being married is no longer the norm for adults.

When you meet someone, do you really think about their marital status? And do you think that they will be thinking about yours? Surely not. They really won't notice or care whether you wear a ring or not. There are no rules about who wears a ring on whatever finger, and I know several people who are married but don't wear any rings at all.

The only thing that ultimately matters in a marriage is how the two spouses feel about the legal, financial, moral and emotional commitments created by their marriage to each other. Engagements and rings are legally meaningless, and fancy weddings, ring-bearers etc are fun if you both like that sort of thing, but by no means essential. Certainly not a valid excuse for waiting four more years IF, IF, IF both parties are willing....

Sorry OP when I wrote that I had not read your latest update. Seems like you are being very wise. All the best.

You seem to have missed the point that marriage confers rights and tax benefits. There are solid practical reasons why it's a good idea for OP, whether he's thrilled by it or not.

You need to read on. The thread has changed quite a lot.

Anyeay I haven’t missed the point. I simply wouldn’t marry for tax benefits.

Why the fuck wouldn't the parents have formed an opinion about their son for not using adequate protection from pregnancy? Jesus, the misogyny.

Instead of all this fluffy language about commitment and status just tell him you want a registry wedding.

It's not just about tax benefits, as you well know. It also confers the right to a fair and equal division of assets in the event of divorce. OP's 'boyfriend' knows this, of course, and is probably wary of OP ending up with a share of his house. But he should have thought of that before he got her pregnant. She is now the mother of his child, and deserves the legal protection of marriage.

OP, if you're not going to have another child before you're married, but you're fine for the wedding to be in four years, then it's likely you won't have another child at all. You're at the tail end of your fertility as it is. Waiting till 41 is madness if you want a sibling for your daughter. Only one in ten women conceive naturally after 40. You absolutely have to wrap your head around that.

If he wanted to, he would... and sometimes, it really is just that simple.

Im not saying he doesn’t want to ever, but his lack of action is showing you that he doesn’t want to right now.

Stop applying pressure by asking him, or bringing up rings.

“People’s actions will always show you what is important to them. Actions express priority.”

“Heading officially towards engagement…” You want to get engaged to get engaged to get married? Get a cohabitation agreement and talk about adult things like money. You really need to do this but I don’t understand why a cohabitation agreement would “rule out” the type of relationship you have: it would specify the type of relationship you have and it would make you both talk about things you should have agreed on long ago

As i said my course of action is that I'm gonna give exactly the commitment that's appropriate for our title.

Since he Said so many times he wants a future with me I'll believe him. In the meantime if we plan another kid I'll say I would like to be more committed to each other for that which means at least a formal acknowledgement.

We are going to a wedding soon together so I'll gauge his behaviour there as well if questions are flying around and act accordingly.