To have a niggling feeling that my bf won't propose to me?

[Cheesygirl]

I have a niggling feeling that my bf won't propose to me. We have a very good relationship where he is thoughtful takes care of me, gifts etc.
I fell pregnant very early in the relationship and now we have a six month old daughter. He is a good father(he now does 50% that I have gone back to work). We are saving to buy a house, he has a life insurance set up for me and my daughter and he shows he is committed all the way.
However I have the niggling feeling he won't propose to me for engagement or marriage. He says he wants to marry me and our daughter to be a bridesmaid in our wedding when she is about 3-4 and he has told other people as well.
He hasn't However spoken about any engagement interim or any other form of formal commitment. I asked him to sign a cohabitation agreement with me but didn't want to saying real love doesn't need contracts and he finds it insulting.
I do believe that he loves me a lot he is saying that daily and doing things to prove it so there's no doubt about that. Yesterday we were on a date day at the Natural History Museum and we were at the gemstone section. I told him that I like the aquamarine stone and I would like some day a ring with this on it. He was joking about Haribo rings and he had some banter throughout. When we went to the pub, I was looking at rings (not Engagement just jewellery) with aquamarine. We looked at a few and said that he wouldn't buy me a cheap ring. Then I said what about engagement rings? As the description of a few rings was mentioning engagement. He replied, "Where did that come from " . I said it is on the description. "This isn't what it is about " he said then.
Then he continued the joke about Haribo rings and that I shouldn't wear it on my left finger in case of confusion. I said so what you wouldn't want people to think we are engaged or married? He replied definitely not with a Haribo ring lol. I said to him is that how much you value me? He said obviously he was joking about that and that love is not counted in material value. I said to him that's a part of it as well. But something about his whole reaction to the engagement ring mentions threw me off so I wasn't as warm the rest of the evening. He picked up on that and started asking what is going on and if I love him. He then said I'm his everything to him.
The thing here is that he is showing that to me daily. However I just have this feeling inside me. I dont know if I'm right or wrong here. I don't believe he is lying when he says he loves me etc.

If you've needed financial help from his parents in the relatively recent past do you really want him spending money on a ring?

Well perhaps the ring is in his top drawer.🤷🏻‍♀️Have you checked?

To me it’s pretty clear he isn’t wanting to be railroaded- either because he wants to be more romantic about it or because he isn’t ready. I can’t think of other plausible possibilities.

What do you think the issue is OP?

You seem to go against the grain here tbh. Are you male or female? I know that I may be overthinking it a bit, but i was thrown off by his reaction to the discussion of rings yesterday. I told him I'm baffled as someone who claims is serious with me wouldn't act like this. We did have a discussion about this and we cleared it up. At least for now.

Another thing is that his family do consider me as family but I'm not sure if that's right as we have no formal commitment to each other.

I dont know maybe I'm the unreasonable one here and just looking for things

I never needed any financial help from anyone they wanted to give us money. I'm pretty independent financially and I earn well so money it's not an issue

That's good. Until/unless you marry you'd be wise to make sure you maintain that financial independence.

Honestly I don't know what the issue is. I asked him to be honest with me he says he won't change his answer. The only other possibility is he is completely lying and has no intention of marrying me whatsoever. But that's really malicious. He clearly doesn't want to be railroaded but he insists he wants this future with me specifically.

So, I'm going to ask this again: why does he get to decide the timetable? Why don't you discuss the when and the where?
Why is it his decision?.

For the wedding I agreed that it would be nice for our daughter to give us the rings. You are right if I want a formal acknowledgement sooner I should speak up more, which I'm going to do. He shouldn't have qualms since he already claims that he wants a future with me.

Right - so you agreed that you want your daughter to give you the rings?
So you've actually agreed to a wedding in about 4 years time? That did not come across.

I don’t think many people would be that malicious, you are right.

I do think, especially when things have moved fast, he could be still a bit uncertain. It was interesting someone mentioned about his parents because, truthfully oP, my son isn’t of that age yet, but I do think I’d be saying just tread carefully now; you’ve already moved enough fast enough. That doesn’t mean they don’t like you, just that they might understandably caution not rushing.

Do you mind us asking how old you both are?

Yes I'm fine about the wedding being in 4 years time. What I would like is a formal acknowledgement of the relationship as bf/gf while having a kid and sharing finances doesnt really look good

I find your posts completely perplexing. You don't care about marriage but you want a formal display of commitment like a contract or promise rings. This makes zero sense. Marriage gives you legal protection. Your insistence on something but not necessarily marriage makes you sound like a 14 year old wanting her boyfriend to tell everyone they're an official item. Are you feeling insecure in the future of your relationship? Because a child is a much bigger commitment than marriage in many ways.

If you want some formal protection then I'd recommend you have another, firmer conversation about marriage and timelines. If he wants to get married in 4 years - agree on a rough date, start looking at venues. Buy an engagement ring and be officially engaged.

But it sounds like you don't want a grown up conversation as much as you'd like a proposal?

It's not really clear what you are looking for or why.

Unless I’ve missed it, I don’t see any reply to several of us asking - what did you hope to achieve with the cohabitation agreement?

Honestly, all your protestations about not caring about marriage per se but coming up with an utterly meaningless alternative to engagement of a promise ring suggest some reason for emotional insecurity on you part. As in, nothing to do with his actions. Why would a promise ring (which is literally nothing) be more meaningful than his word without it? Of course in his words he could lie, or mean it and change his mind… but ditto the promise ring. What is driving you being so desperate to have some outward show, even a totally made up one? Even if you want an outward show, is anyone going to hear about a promise ring and not think, “so that’s not even an engagement? What even is it?”

I said upthread that 18 months is too soon to get married, and I’ll add to that - my personal view is that an engagement is meaningless unless it’s the start of real wedding plans. I know the word muggy as I have teenagers. As it’s a word you use, I’m going to guess you’re early 20s. Another reason why he’s right to wait - we all change so much in our 20s, our views, our goals… it’s really soon to be getting married.

He is 41 I'm 37. When the pregnancy happened I already set out the option of abortion to him before we proceed any further and he was annoyed that I even considered it as he revealed later on. I told him it was perfectly valid to consider it since we really didn't know each other

“What I would like is a formal acknowledgement of the relationship as bf/gf while having a kid and sharing finances doesnt really look good”

Can you explain that?
Because to the vast majority of people on this site, I expect that doesn’t “look” anything at all.
Who is it you’re so desperate to “look good” for?

Muggy is not only used by teenagers lol. But anyway for me it is important that is a formal kind of commitment. That we are not just partners or bf gf. That we are heading officially towards engagement or marriage in the future. Bf /gf or partners doesn't give the substantial status im looking for. As for the cohabitation agreement since we aren't married, that would rule out the type of relationship we have at the moment and what happens in the event we split l, childcare expenses, etc

Yes I'm fine about the wedding being in 4 years time. What I would like is a formal acknowledgement of the relationship as bf/gf while having a kid and sharing finances doesn't really look good

An engagement is an announcement of plans to marry in the next year/18 months, not some far flung date in the future or a "formal acknowledgement of a relationship" - a marriage is the formal acknowledgement.

If you are happy with the plans to not marry for 3-4 years, then wait until the year before you have agreed to get married, get engaged, book a venue and set a date. If you are not happy waiting and need that formal acknowledgement then discuss it like adults, you are entitled to want to do it earlier and if he is any kind of decent partner he will listen, discuss and not brush you off.

Getting engaged for the just sake of getting engaged and to call your bf/dp your fiancé is for immature teenagers.

If he really wanted to marry you he would have by now.

Also, I will never understand how a woman can let a man into her body, bear his child, live under the same roof, share money, etc., and then STILL wait around for years while a man decides if/when he wants to get engaged and if/when he wants to marry.

As someone who was part of the women's movement in the 1970s, we really haven't come very far at all. Men still hold all the cards because weak women still kowtow to men.

I didn’t expect that. I was thinking late teens.

I don’t know then OP. It’s less likely to be his parents. Your ages change things a lot from my perspective. If anything, I’m more perplexed than ever that you care about the ring. And financially nothing will change much in three or four years (whereas it can make a huge difference early on in a career).

Honestly, I can’t help. The three to four year wait is confusing me now. On balance, I think he is stringing you along - maybe not maliciously but I don’t think he is necessarily committed.

I was envisaging some young kid who’d got himself a baby and was now being dragged into jewellery stores while his mates were at the movies.

I would agree with your points, I don't know why so many women on here allow men to make decisions about marriage. It's so common, and seems regressive to me..

I thought this too. Do you want more children OP? He has much more time on his side regarding this than you do. If marriage is something you want I'd not let him string you along.

As you are 37 and 41, I think 4 year wait for a potential wedding scenario seems a bit.. Off. I thought you were in 20s.

41 year old man with a gf who already has his child, but joking about Haribo ring when asked about marriage?

Doesn't sound good to me.

Based on your age, if you want more kids then I'd actually revise my prior 'set a wedding date within 2 years' to - get down the aisle asap. Like, engaged and married within the year.

You can't afford to fanny about. And he's beyond vile to suggest a 4 year wait to you under these circumstances. By 41/42 you'll likely find it much harder to conceive. And if it turns out then that he uturns on marriage, then you'll be up shit creek without a paddle.

You can't afford to give him 4 years if you want more kids. And you can't afford to have more kids before marriage with a man who hasn't married you if you want marriage.

Really, take the bull by the horns.

You want 'formal acknowledgement of the relationship'? Which in your head is the ability to tell people he's your fiancée show them a ring Respectfully your focusing on the wrong thing. If you're embarrassed about having a baby with someone who is merely your boyfriend you should recognise that very few people give a shit.
If your worried about the financial pressure/insecurity you've put yourself in by having a baby with someone whilst unmarried then an engagement ring resolved that at all. Have either of you cut everything hours/taken maternity/paternity/had their careers potentially impacted? This is a far bigger deal. What about housing/assets) pension how are you making sure you're not being disadvantaged by the impacts of parenting (nursery costs, lost promotions etc) while his life is less impacted?
Don't be naive here for you and your child sake. Marriage is a legal contract stupid expensive white wedding or not. For some people it's very worth having. Decide if you will be better off with that contract and get on with it or protect yourself some other way

Yes I’m sorry oP, but ignore most of my previous posts.

I don’t why but I had thought you were both very young. Four years when you are late teens/early twenties is a totally different thing. This is unreasonable of him. He needs to “ piss or get off the pot.”

I’m sorry to volte face on everything I said before, but I needed that information to give an appropriate answer because for me it changes things enormously. He’s mucking you round in an important window baby wise.