To have a niggling feeling that my bf won't propose to me?

[Cheesygirl]

I have a niggling feeling that my bf won't propose to me. We have a very good relationship where he is thoughtful takes care of me, gifts etc.
I fell pregnant very early in the relationship and now we have a six month old daughter. He is a good father(he now does 50% that I have gone back to work). We are saving to buy a house, he has a life insurance set up for me and my daughter and he shows he is committed all the way.
However I have the niggling feeling he won't propose to me for engagement or marriage. He says he wants to marry me and our daughter to be a bridesmaid in our wedding when she is about 3-4 and he has told other people as well.
He hasn't However spoken about any engagement interim or any other form of formal commitment. I asked him to sign a cohabitation agreement with me but didn't want to saying real love doesn't need contracts and he finds it insulting.
I do believe that he loves me a lot he is saying that daily and doing things to prove it so there's no doubt about that. Yesterday we were on a date day at the Natural History Museum and we were at the gemstone section. I told him that I like the aquamarine stone and I would like some day a ring with this on it. He was joking about Haribo rings and he had some banter throughout. When we went to the pub, I was looking at rings (not Engagement just jewellery) with aquamarine. We looked at a few and said that he wouldn't buy me a cheap ring. Then I said what about engagement rings? As the description of a few rings was mentioning engagement. He replied, "Where did that come from " . I said it is on the description. "This isn't what it is about " he said then.
Then he continued the joke about Haribo rings and that I shouldn't wear it on my left finger in case of confusion. I said so what you wouldn't want people to think we are engaged or married? He replied definitely not with a Haribo ring lol. I said to him is that how much you value me? He said obviously he was joking about that and that love is not counted in material value. I said to him that's a part of it as well. But something about his whole reaction to the engagement ring mentions threw me off so I wasn't as warm the rest of the evening. He picked up on that and started asking what is going on and if I love him. He then said I'm his everything to him.
The thing here is that he is showing that to me daily. However I just have this feeling inside me. I dont know if I'm right or wrong here. I don't believe he is lying when he says he loves me etc.

Well does that work for you?

Because personally it wouldn't for me. So I'd walk.

He doesn't get to decide its 4 years and you have to wait.

You say 'no, that doesn't work for me. I want to marry in 1 year'. Perhaps you reach a compromise and decide on 2 years. Then you get engaged, now, of course.

If that doesn't work for him, then you seperate.
Because he doesn't want what you want.

And because a 4 years suggestion when you have a child together already, is frankly, bullshit. And him mugging you off.

Citizen advice - difference marriage and living together

Well maybe the best you can do is protect yourself - so educate yourself on the differences.

I would ask yourself why you are letting a man hold all the cards to your future, OP. Why is the timeline his decision? Why are you side stepping around hints and not having a conversation about what you want and expectations for him to meet it or mutually come to a decision that works for both of you.

I highly suspect you want to get engaged soon and likely married sooner than 4yrs away, and it’s beyond me why you are allowing it to be all on his terms. Don’t you matter?

And because a 4 years suggestion when you have a child together already, is frankly, bullshit. And him mugging you off.

I think this as well - though do know some couple who marry after kids though with few get impression guy finally given up idea there something better out there.

he has a life insurance that says we get a big lump sum in the event he dies. Only me and my daughter are entitled to this money, noone else.

takes less than 5 mins to change the beneficiary.

I have been on MN for 18 years and honestly the whole I would like our child to be a flower girl at 3-4 years old usually turns into let's have another baby, that is more important than a wedding and before you know it you are now 6 years down the line from here with 2 children and still no wedding because the children cost too much and how will you afford it bollocks.

This! And by this time, you no longer have any bargaining chips

Of course it’s not. That’s why it’s important two people want to get married at the same time.

would you say a reluctant woman should let her boyfriend decide when she should get married?

He doesn't get to decide its 4 years and you have to wait.

what happens if you decide to wait four years, and then he’s still dragging his feet? Give him another 4?

And I'll tell you exactly what's happen if you stay passive: in four years time, he won't have married you.

There might have been a half asked engagement at one point but it hasn't proceeded anywhere. Other than giving you false reassurance - resulting in another child.

He'll make excuses like 'we are low on money now we have another baby'. It'll never be 'the right time'.

So take control and tell him - lets aim for spring 2026 for the wedding. And you can both work towards that. And that he's to decide via engagement, in the next 6/9 months or so, if its all systems go to start planning or, if you're going to go your seperate ways.

Basically engagement means that you will be married. That’s it. And that is apparently the case, yes? It doesn’t mean ‘grammable moment with big sparkly ring, which is I think what you want and are worried you won’t get.

If a man really wants to marry you, he’ll not fuck around in my experience. My friend sounds just like you; she’s desperate to get married, has been with her boyfriend 16+ years and has given him 2 kids and whenever she asks him about marriage or engagement rings, he promises her that they’ll do it at some vague point in the future. In the meantime he’s told my husband that he has no intention of marrying her as “she’s given me my boys, why do I need to marry her? I just say that to keep her sweet” 😬

A ring doesn’t mean he is committed to you. I have neither engagement or wedding rings as I don’t like either but have been married to DH for nearly 30 years.

No other child anytime soon. I am also surprised that his parents asked if we gonna have another kid but they didn't ask if we gonna get married or engaged

Well I’m not the op to begin with and none of it works for me full-stop.

Having a child before I had the security of marriage is not a choice I would personally have made. But I have to say if I had found myself in that position, I honestly would not want to marry someone I had only known for three months before I was on the hormonal rollercoaster of pregnancy then the early months of a new baby. I would want longer to know that we weren’t compounding one accelerated decision with a second accelerated decision.

Would it take me three to four years to develop a knowledge of the other person to the point I was ready to marry? I’ve not been in that situation but it sounds on the cautious side to me - but I can’t really know. What I do know is no good whatsoever comes from requiring someone to marry you. It’s about as useful as instructing someone to compliment you so you can enjoy the warm glow of flattery.

Then that's muggy and you should let her know

Only that he has said already he wants to marry me

Oh and don't forget the prince who tells the poor woman that he doesn't feel the relationship is in the "right space to get married"....SHE needs to work on things.

Putting her on the back foot so that she feels she has to bend herself out of shape in efforts to do the pick me dance.

You couldn't possibly have self esteem and put up with such bullshit.

Well I think we can only conclude that he either wants to explore the relationship more to SEE if he wants to; or he has a desire to take control and surprise you.

Either way, I don’t think instructing him achieves much. It’s fine - and sensible - to explain you would like to marry much sooner so that had been properly communicated. It’s fine to leave the relationship if you don’t want to wait. You don’t have to do it his way. But equally you can’t force other people to do things your way.

I’ve no idea what “muggy” means but it’s not my business so I’m saying nothing (I said friend, but actually she’s my neighbour). My point is this happens to so many women. And I’ll reiterate, if a man wants to marry you, he’ll marry you, no fucking around.
If your bf is so adamant he wants this and he knows you want a ring, why in gods name is he not on his knees with a beautiful aquamarine as we speak? Because he’s not sure, or just doesn’t want to. Neither of which bodes well tbh.

His parents know well where his head is.
They will be supporting him protecting himself ahead of you and your child.
They will have formed an opinion about you based on a pregnancy 3 months in.
I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if they have encouraged his position.

He's messed up once, don't compound it with a rushed marriage.

Apologies if that sounds harsh, but behind closed doors it's highly likely this was said to him.

I don't know he seems pretty sure he wants to do that otherwise he would say let's explore the relationship a bit longer or its too early. But everytime I've asked he seems pretty sure he wants to do this with me specifically

He is keeping his options open by not actually asking you and formally giving you a ring or letting you plan a wedding. As they say you are Ms right now, not Ms right.

But he may not be entirely aware of it. He may sincerely love you and the baby and sort of intend to marry you one day. But thats like me saying I would love a second home in paris one day. Im either saving fir it and learning french or Im quite likely to end up somewhere else less costly.

If marriage is important to you sit him down and have a serious talk about it. Stop trying to read the tea leaves and interpret his actions—as they conflict with his words, or his words confuse you, you will not be able to figure this out or subtly pressure him into changing his mind.

His parents seem to like me a lot and they are supportive all the way. Also they helped us financially and he never goes to visit his parents alone without me.

If someone's acting muggy it means that someone is trying to 'mug the other person off' aka deceive them

It’s good you talked to him and cleared it up. I’m in agreement with him though, if you have discussed getting married in 3-4 years and already a child together, that is a very committed relationship. 4 years is quite a long engagement so he probably just thought he’d do it in a couple of years then you both start planning the wedding. I don’t think there’s anything unusual here.

It does sound like you should sit down together and make sure you’re on the same page about other life plans though. If you aren’t getting married for another 4 years, you should consider financial and medical power of attorney. It sounds like he’s doing all the right things as he has arranged life insurance etc.

It feels like you were overthinking the engagement situation a bit. Having a child together is a far bigger commitment than a diamond on your finger.