Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher married to non teacher

537 replies

allsummereverysummer · 13/07/2024 07:42

It’s on my mind at the moment that I’m responsible for childcare every holiday until they are of an age they don’t really need it …

I know that’s obvious. I think it’s just I do the lions share of everything as it is. Feels like a long time to have them over the summer tbh.

OP posts:
Lordofmyflies · 13/07/2024 09:00

I thought teacher worked the vast majority of the 14 weeks holiday they got?! Most teachers I know tell me they spend their holidays preparing lessons, marking etc. Surely if you are doing this then you need to send and pay for your children to go to childcare to crack on with all your work?

Phineyj · 13/07/2024 09:02

Do you mean you would only leave them with him when you have no choice? Why do you feel that way?

Yazzi · 13/07/2024 09:02

You're not being unreasonable. I'm a non teacher married to a teacher and this part effing rules 😂

redfacebigdisgrace · 13/07/2024 09:02

@allsummereverysummer just read about you not leaving DP with the kids! Why not? That’s going to be an issue right there. They’re 5 and 2. They need to spend time with their dad. And he needs to be able to parent his kids. What’s going on?

AnneElliott · 13/07/2024 09:02

distinctpossibility · 13/07/2024 07:51

All working parents (in a functional set up) use the vast majority of annual leave for childcare / to spend time with their children. For many, that's mostly solo with maybe a week overlapping with the other parent, paying £2k to go and get rained on somewhere different.

That made me laugh! It was like this the first holiday we had with DS in the Isle of Wight!

BlackBean2023 · 13/07/2024 09:03

Not a teacher but I work term time. I used to work full time. DH works full time with statutory holiday - 2 weeks of which is directed at Xmas.

I've always used my annual leave to cover childcare. The only difference now, and for you, is that I don't have to pay ££££ for holiday clubs because I have enough time off to cover the break. I'm not sure any parent has time off to themselves and most parents of young children will spread their annual leave to share so don't really have that much time as a family.

I know teaching is a tough gig but this really is a perk.

Martymcfly24 · 13/07/2024 09:03

LostTheMarble · 13/07/2024 08:48

I’m going to leave this thread now, but I get you. My ex works in education and it’s bloody hard. Even working 3 days can feel like a full week. I’d not have expected him to take care of the kids 100% every single holidays because when you’re in a relationship both parents are allowed some time to decompress. That is meant to be the whole point of a partnership in raising children. Not everyone loves every stage of childhood either - I actually found the early years easier than these middle ones (post reception/pre secondary), but my circumstances are quite different and sadly makes long holidays more challenging as the years go by.

It’s not about working part time or having a job that means you can cover all childcare. You obviously feel like you’re struggling and need a bit more support from your husband. You’re not a single parent and I can see why you feel like the childcare being instantly and always put on you without question makes it feel like a dreaded chore. But a struggling mum and teacher is never going to have kind replies on AIBU unfortunately.

I hope you can arrange a break for yourself over summer, even if it’s a few days here and there.

Show quote history

Look I'm not saying it's not hard
I'm a full time teacher and a deputy principal so I have work to do in the evenings in the holidays.
Grandparents work and live a couple of hours away
Husband works full time and I have a 5 year old with autism as well as a 8 year old. I don't resent him we are both doing our best.
I have not had an hour to myself in 8 years as they go to my school so I have them every single day even in the car! Older one has a couple of summer camps.

My tip is lots of teacher friends with kids. Lots of cheap days out and play dates at each other's houses where ye can chat and kids play.

Helpfullright · 13/07/2024 09:03

allsummereverysummer · 13/07/2024 08:37

@Martymcfly24 i do during the holidays yes sorry.

But there is confusion on the thread. Eventually I will have a couple of days a week to myself but for the next three years I won’t have any ‘break’. I’ll have one child in the holidays and one on my days off.

im sure it’s the same for a lot of people and maybe I am being a wimp about it. But I do ‘feel’ lack of time to myself … the house is permanently a mess and I struggle to do things like meet with friends, get my hair done, browse the shops - OK it’s quite shallow I know and I wouldn’t be without them.

At the moment I have

Two days a week during school holidays which is 5 weeks (one is August bank holidays, they go on Mondays.) So ten days total.

Two October half term

Two February half term (Christmas is closed for one week and the week after tends to be a family holiday.)

two Easter holiday

one may half term

So two and a half weeks over the whole year where I can do those things. And it is a perk of the job.

Booking into a holiday club probably isn’t something I would do, to be honest. Unless one of them wanted to in the future.

2 and a half weeks more than a non teacher working full time! Enjoy them! 👍🏻

MultiplaLight · 13/07/2024 09:03

You need to leave them with your H. That part is ridiculous.

However the rest of your posts are entirely valid. Small kids are hard work. Whether longed for, or not, they are hard work in the moment.

Some posters are being horrible OP. You don't need that.

Cuppapuppa · 13/07/2024 09:03

And if you don’t trust your DH with the dc or he doesn’t want to be with them things aren’t really going to improve much in a year or so!

Keeva2017 · 13/07/2024 09:03

I would have felt the same op when my kids were your ages. Now at 7 and 4 I feel differently and it’s still changing. Taking them away on my own for a week and I’m so excited. The younger years hit some of us differently.

Hateliars34 · 13/07/2024 09:03

allsummereverysummer · 13/07/2024 07:55

I don’t think there would be any clubs available to be honest, certainly not next summer as he won’t have started reception.

I think I am just conscious I find one day with them really tough going, the thought of five a week is daunting 😂 of course other jobs spend annual leave with children but it doesn’t tend to be for six weeks at a time which I know is a bonus for those better at this parenting lark than me!

He will be much easier next summer, OP!! There's a world if difference between age 3 and 4.

And can you book a child minder once or twice a week for the summer holidays? Will DH book some time too for you all to spend time together/go on holiday?

Iceache · 13/07/2024 09:04

I’ve been exactly where you are OP! My children are older now and I ADORE my holidays. We get to spend so much time together and do so many fun things, but also lots of chilling (they’re 8 and 11). The early years were tough because you feel like you’re going from one tough job to another during the holidays, but as they get older you’ll be so grateful for that time with them. I used to envy my husband but now I feel for him that I get all this time and he doesn’t. If I didn’t have the children, I’d be so bored for most of the holidays. It passes I promise!

Bournetilly · 13/07/2024 09:04

Pay for extra days at nursery or your partner can use some leave. Once they are at school they can go to holiday clubs for some of the weeks/ days. There’s a few holiday clubs near me that will take pre school children if they are over 4 so there are some out there.

You are lucky to have the choice/ option as many don’t!

useitorlose · 13/07/2024 09:04

I was already a parent when I did a PGCE. Almost all childcare responsibilities fell to me, both term time and holidays. When the DC were aged 7-11 they really enjoyed going to holiday clubs for a few days, making new friends, getting a break from each other and doing different activities.

Howsoon23 · 13/07/2024 09:04

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time- I had a couple of summers when I wasnt had young children say 2 and 6 and it was hard work - and the 2 year was pretty easy going as they go. I really value having a bit of time on my own in the house to get things sorted too. And i also struggled with how little you can do apart child care with that age It will get easier - mine did things like sports club some of the time when they were older and lots of them are short days and just for fun -i would do some nice things with your older one when younger one is in nursery, and I like d to hang out with other parents

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 13/07/2024 09:05

I can't really relate, OP, as I absolutely loved the time that I had with my dc when I wasn't working and wanted as much of it as possible, but I know that a lot of people find it tough so you're certainly not alone.

It's totally reasonable to need a bit of time to yourself to meet friends, go to the hairdressers etc. But I don't really understand why you can't do this... you're not a single parent? I get that your DH works long hours during the week but can't you leave the kids with him sometimes at weekends to get a bit of a break? Or when he is on annual leave?

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 13/07/2024 09:05

LaunchingTeabag · 13/07/2024 07:44

Another reason for teachers to moan

Lovely response.

Isthatarealname · 13/07/2024 09:05

I may be living in an echo chamber but that is considerably more time to yourself than most of the women I know. I am self employed so very lucky I can work when I want and get time off to myself (there is a financial penalty for this). All of my friends work full time, the only time they get off is from annual leave and that will be with the children. Hair appts etc are made in the evenings for them.

Edited to say obviously we do stuff for ourselves at the weekend

Cuppapuppa · 13/07/2024 09:07

It’s not really about the dc & not wanting to be around them. It sounds like the OP has to do everything because DH is either not there, she doesn’t trust him with the dc or he doesn’t want to help. That would be exhausting for many people & I don’t understand why anyone would be happy with that setup.

WhatHaveIDone21 · 13/07/2024 09:08

I am a teacher and have had my DC every holiday since they were born. I've worked FT for most of those years although I did do PT when they were little.

It is hard when they are young but it gets easier the older they get. Mine are 13 and 9 now and I count down to the holidays as I love our lazy days and spending time together. This probably doesn't help you right now but it won't always be like this!

RandomUsernameHere · 13/07/2024 09:09

You could try and see the positives of your situation too. At my work, it's always hard to get time off in July and August as everyone wants it and it also coincides with a busy period. I would absolutely love to have the summer holidays off, or even half the time off, to do fun stuff with the DC. Also, does your partner take their annual leave in school holidays so you can do things together?

LostTheMarble · 13/07/2024 09:09

LemonandLimeCake · 13/07/2024 08:51

Are you the teacher? Presumably not as you say you are thinking of colleagues married to teachers?

I'm sorry but I don't have any answers for you.

Almost ALL parents find school holidays hard but they suck it up and get on with it.

Please start to think how lucky you are to have two healthy children when this forum is full of women not able to conceive, have children with special needs, or are single parents.

To be really harsh, you need to grow up. It was your choice to have children.

Show quote history

As a parent of children with special/additional needs, please kindly fuck off with using me and my children as an emotional blackmail weapon against the op. Us parents of children with disabilities also chose to have them, we don’t need disingenuous pity from people like you. The op is allowed to find it just as difficult to enjoy constant parenting as anyone. So take your own advice and grow up.

MorvernBlack · 13/07/2024 09:10

I think people are missing the point in their jealousy over the long holidays. Why are people like this?
Does no one remember how relentless it was when the kids are young? I was at home with the kids all the holidays as we couldn't get childcare for one of them and other reasons (although the irony is he wasn't the difficult one). I felt I was either at work or with the kids and I dreaded the holidays sometimes, if the weather was bad then there would be bickering and fighting, getting five mins peace was impossible. They needed constant entertainment and there was all this on top of the broken nights.

The only consolation I can offer is that it gets easier, they want to go to clubs, meet friends or just want to chill in their rooms. Although you do become a taxi service! Outings are even often fun. Now mine are grown (bar one), I miss some of those days.

C8H10N4O2 · 13/07/2024 09:10

allsummereverysummer · 13/07/2024 08:51

I wouldn’t leave DH with the kids @Deliaskis . I don’t like it when I have no choice so when there is a choice we share the load. But again that probably will change and I’m probably being a bit dramatic and pessimistic. At the moment I’m kind of surviving by thinking in a week I’ll have a tiny break and next year I won’t!

Why on earth won't you leave the children with their own father?

You have choices.

  • pay for more nursery days/childcare, maybe go back to full time to pay for it
  • outsource other household stuff such as cleaning, garden etc
  • DH picks up his share of parenting, at least when he is there
  • Look for some parenting classes/sessions to help with managing the children if you are finding that a challenge

Not everyone has the luxury of choices. You are making a rod for yourself by not allowing/expecting the children's father to take responsibility for them at times.