Teacher married to non teacher

[allsummereverysummer]

It’s on my mind at the moment that I’m responsible for childcare every holiday until they are of an age they don’t really need it …

I know that’s obvious. I think it’s just I do the lions share of everything as it is. Feels like a long time to have them over the summer tbh.

I think if anyone I’m friends with heard me describe as rigid they’d fall about laughing, unless it’s talking about my lack of dancing skills. I honestly don’t know how many times I can say that I don’t need or want my husband to take the children to the park for me at weekends. Ideally, I would want a bit more help to break up the week a bit. But that can’t happen right now.

Perhaps you're just in a 'grit your teeth and get through' situation OP.

Exactly

Hang on, OP. Having to have your children all the time may be distorting your opinion on this. Maybe your partner wouldn’t mind some solo parenting?

It would be good for him to manage two children at once (a life skill you have mastered), it would be good for kids to see him do this (so they know mummy is not always there and Daddy can be the default parent too) and it would be good for you to have a much needed break to recharge.

Insisting you will never ever expect him to parent solo sounds like martyrdom. I’d put in a place a once a week three hour break as a minimum.

Yes yes, martyr, shouldn’t have had children, poor children, why did you even have them … have I missed anything?

Maybe you could start talking to your husband now about the holidays in four years time when they are both at school about him taking some regular time off.

For example, he could not work every Monday and then you can have a break.

Because actually this summer you will have two days a week, but then you wont

So for the third time of asking and being ignored

Why can't you send them to nursery for an extra day?

Why can't your Husband use annual leave?

Are there grandparents to help?

All I'm going to say is you've come on, said your struggling and can't cope then dismissed every idea to help and said you just need something to break up the long 3 days you have the kids.

All the suggestions offered would do that so what is it you want?

I reported the poster who said something along those lines, OP. Personal attacks are not allowed on here.

Hi, I posted the above before getting through the whole thread and I can see it seems like a pile on. That’s not my intention.

Look, you’re allowed to find your kids full on and overwhelming. Remember Covid? Most parents went bonkers realising they were stuck in the house with their kids. And I’m not saying you don’t love them or shouldn’t have had them.

I’m saying that you don’t have to grit your teeth and just bear it. It’s okay to ask your husband to take on some extra load on weekends because you’re saving a heap on childcare and doing solo parenting all week long. It’s good for him to solo parent and you don’t have to pay him back with extra time.

In AIBU you do sometimes get answers to the question you didn’t ask. Here you asked if you’re unreasonable to be dreading this and I’m saying no, you’re not. But you are being a bit unreasonable to turn down any suggestion that might give you a needed break.

I kept my pre-schoolers in nursery during all holidays. It was better to stay in routine rather than disrupt it.

They only had 'summer holidays' once they were in school.

DD1 (age 11) now does a full week at Scout camp. DD2 (age 9) will do an Outward Bound week from next year.

Easy to say but try to enjoy it while they are young and you get to decide the plans for the day. If they’re pre school age they still get excited about simple things like going for a walk or a picnic. Plan some meet ups with friends and have some movie / pj days so you can relax a bit too. Tweens are more independent but harder to entertain without it costing a fortune ! Also surely your DH will take some leave so you can go on holiday?!

Personally I would be discussing with your partner how to divvy up the childcare/household maintenance as a whole throughout the year.

At the end of the day they are your children and you aren't at work for 6 weeks, but things should be 50/50 when their other parent is home.

Why the insistence that it’s only during the week that you need it broken up and not the weekend though? You’re being incredibly narrow in your view.
You want to work a part time term time only job.
But you don’t want to do childcare during the holidays.
But you also want help with childcare on your 2 days at home.
But you don’t want your DH to take the kids for a few hours on a weekend.
You’re unhappy and don’t want to change anything in any way.

When mine were being particularly trying, I used to zone out and pretend I was in a prison cell with just a pile of books...... solitary confinement and no visitors.

I revisited that cell several times during their teenage years.

You have a very rigid and fixed mindset in your posts Op
That's my observation

You have an issue that is making you miserable and feel overwhelmed

You can
Look at what is the cause, the pros and cons , compromise and make changes that will relieve the pressure on you

Accept the issues are temporary,grit your teeth and burnout

Accept the issues,come back year after year moaning, burnout

It's your life, it's only you who is going to be miserable 🤷🏼‍♀️

I don’t really understand. You say it’s the week that’s the issue but surely if you get more of a break at weekends it will have an effect about how you feel about your week? I think you are being quite rigid in the which you are approaching this, as others have commented. Why don’t you try some of the suggestions instead of dismissing them?

I'm married to a teacher who works FT.

Dh havign school holidays off is a huge perk of the job. It helps us out no end - holiday clubs are so expensive and DC doesn't always want to go everyday. So it's brilliant that Dh is home and can sort the kids and do fun day trips with them.

In the term time, Dh job has zero flexibility so all the school runs, sports days, inset days, school plays, school fete and things fall upon me to work around (my job is FT and more flexible).

Tbh, from where I'm sitting - you work Pt 3x a week and have a lot of holidays so don't have to worry about school holiday childcare (unless you choose to. Loads of non teaching families would be thrilled by that set up.

So I work two week days and in the hols I have dc three days. I usually book a few sports camps/ Forrest school and dh books a few days off so in a week there's normally at least one day they are busy and I visit my dad/ go gym. Then we do a day out and a chill day

Have you heard of parental leave? It is unpaid but if your DH could take some just to break up the long summer for you it might help? You could plan for it/save up. I have used it to take more time off with DS as I am a single mum working full time with regular (non school) holidays.

i know folks have been going on about weekends but you are saying there are only fixed times in school holidays you will be able to get your hair done or whatever and for things like that which only happen every few weeks surely it would be worth leaving both your kids with DH the odd time so that this can happen if it is something you want? Does your DH never do anything other than work or spend time as a family? If he does, maybe he owes you a few haircuts if that’s how you want to look at it.

You are parenting young children with vastly differing needs. It is exhausting! It is hard work and it’s perfectly acceptable and understandable that you’d find a long stretch daunting.

Ignoring the nasty comments (I did report) it is human instinct to want to help and offer solutions. It’s not saying you’re wrong and if you were perfectly happy with the status quo, nobody would say a word. You’ve said you’re daunted by the prospect of 6 weeks so I think a lot of people genuinely are offering solutions. Sometimes you can’t see the wood for the trees when you’re in the thick of parenting 2 tiny dictators!

Take care and I promise it does get easier when their needs don’t seem to be competing so much.

I usually quite enjoy having DS home for the holidays. DH and I are both teachers, though. We both work full time which means it's usually rush during term time.
We haven't got much planned for this summer because I'm 39 weeks pregnant but DS will go to holiday club for 2 out of the 6 weeks to avoid him getting bored stuck at home with a newborn.
If your kids are in nursery anyway you'll get some time to yourself as well. Just depends on how you make use of it.

Er - aren’t they your children? Therefore your responsibility. Are you really so tired that you need complete rest for your long summer break? Some teachers are a different breed! 😂😂

Once you've tried stretching 30 days annual leave over 52 weeks, please do come back and have a little whinge.

Understandable that you feel like this, don't beat yourself up. Bear in mind that most parents find school hols particularly hard for lots of reasons including increased childcare issues for some. Please try to take the holidays one day at a time

Of course not which is why I feel a bit envious of those teachers married to teachers and now we really have come full circle

As I've said, I'm a teacher and so is DH and I am sympathetic. Two teacher families are challenging in other ways. Neither of us has any flexibility to work from home or arrive after 8.15. This is making our before school arrangements really tough and is going to dictate where we can send our child to primary school as it's basically all about before school club.

When they are both at school I imagine it will come into it's own.

For what it's worth, we both have some time off at the weekends (not every) so it's possible to not be super rigid or always exclusively "fair". In June I had 3 full Saturdays away from the kids doing stuff. DH had 2 Sunday mornings for hobby, he's now gone away for 3 days. We sort of roll with it, make sure we get time as a family and some plans we both want, each respects the others time and discuss in advance stuff which takes us off at the weekend.

If you do just want more time to yourself in the school holidays it's basically he takes leave, more nursery days or when they are 4 holiday club. If he's refusing to take leave but can that's an issue.