Teacher married to non teacher

[allsummereverysummer]

It’s on my mind at the moment that I’m responsible for childcare every holiday until they are of an age they don’t really need it …

I know that’s obvious. I think it’s just I do the lions share of everything as it is. Feels like a long time to have them over the summer tbh.

@Phineyj again we’re getting a bit lost. Swimming lessons are parent in pool with child. I can’t really leave a 1 year old poolside unaccompanied and I wouldn’t leave DS either as although he wouldn’t deliberately fall in I can’t guarantee he wouldn’t wander over and get too close to the edge and I am not sure it would be permitted anyway.

This is what I mean about having to justify literally everything - it’s becoming a bit exhausting.

I've never seen a thread more suited to this meme.

It isn’t rigid at all. I just don’t fuck off for hours leaving DH with the children and somehow because of this I’m rigid, children are over timetabled, rod for own back …

Like I say it gets tiresome.

The holidays and the extra time with my child are the best bit of the job.

Heh, society doesn't like teachers, not just Mumsnet. Beggars belief why there's such a shortage, doesn't it?!

OP, I am not having a go at you at all. You do seem to be on a bit of a middle class treadmill though. Why not go all out and book those holidays that have childcare if you're paying Center Parc prices anyway?

You're not doing life wrong. Toddlers are v hard work. You have a specific problem right now of being daunted by the summer holidays. There are solutions but you'd need to be able to flex a bit on something whether it be gender roles, activities or paying for childcare.

Yes I do get that the fact I won’t vanish for hours every weekend is baffling everybody, but then no one I know with similarly aged children does either so I’m going to assume it’s a MN thing.

It isn’t rigid at all. I just don’t fuck off for hours leaving DH with the children and somehow because of this I’m rigid, children are over timetabled, rod for own back

You don’t seem to understand. It’s ok if you want to fuck off for hours and leave DH with the dc 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Oh I see re the swimming.

I didn't know that as DH did all the baby swimming. I took over when she was 5.

There are solutions but you'd need to be able to flex a bit on something whether it be gender roles, activities or paying for childcare.

Thats all anyone is saying.

It is OK.

The trick when you become a mum is to be about 80% as selfish as the average dad.

Let the guilt go.

Let it goooooo.

Don't you think that if several posters are saying the same thing and trying to help you find a solution, there may be something you can take from that?

Rather than being defensive, maybe step back and stop reading/posting to today, but take some time to consider if there's anything helpful here.

Or just say that you aren't looking for suggestions, you just needed to offload.
Then you won't need to keep reading.

💯

I even fuck off and leave my DH for a weekend sometimes.

It's really fine.

I haven't read the whole thread but I dont think this is a teacher v non teacher thing. It's a 'parenting small kids is relentless and frankly boring at times' thing.

@Phineyj preach!

@spriots 😱😱😱

You are feeling overwhelmed about having to do the lion's share of the childcare over the summer and feel like that doesn't leave much time off for you. I can understand you feeling that way. However you have made choices which have led to this situation in terms of DH taking leave at different times in the year, not wanting to put the kids in more childcare, and scheduling your weekend with children's activities so you don't get a break then. There's nothing wrong with any of these choices but it is worth acknowledging that they are choices which have led to the current situation which you initially posted about.

Two things

1. Could you go out at weekend evenings when they are asleep? See friends go to the gym?

1. Looking after children all day gets so, so much easier the older they get. You won't have both of them solidly until they are both at school. And a 7 and 5 year old is a completely different prospect to a 3 and 1 year old.

You won't be able to leave them but you will be able to sit down and drink tea, flick through a magazine etc while they play in the garden.

You won't need to look after their bodily functions, they can get themselves a snack. Going out you can only take a handbag. It's so much easier, so actually you can get a rest when you are with the children

@Phineyj … it’s short lived, isn’t it?

At the moment the baby practically has a nervous breakdown when I leave the room: DS was the same and now aged three firmly rejects me for Daddy, Grandad, preschool teacher and the ice cream man (not quite.) That’s said tongue in cheek: when he hurts himself or has a bad dream it’s mummy he wants and I’m sure this pattern will stay for a good while. There will come a time and I logically know this when I can vanish to a museum, or meet friends for hours or even have a weekend away. But it’s a way off just now. It just is, and everyone shouting at me that I’m living my life wrong, wrong, wrong is just making me feel shit. I’m saying that clearly so people can see it.

I have been told repeatedly (not by you I hasten to add but by the many charming posters on this thread) I don’t love my children, or want them, or want to spend time with them. I shouldn’t have had them. I should think of those who can’t have children at all. I’ve been told the holidays we take are wrong. I’m too rigid, they’re over timetabled, I’m odd, strange, peculiar. At first you just shrug it off but it does start to grate then hurt, really hurt.

All I have and want are two happy children. But right now them both at the same time is hard going and saying otherwise wouldn’t be true. I am also not young, in fact in child rearing terms I am more Gran than Mum. But Mum I am and Mum I try to do well.

I do choir one evening a week and spend a whole day at the weekend playing music once in a while. The odd residential music weekend in the summer holidays.

When DD was about 5 or 6 I calculated I "owed" DH about two week so I packed him off to mountainbike for a fortnight.

Seemed fair?

Our DD is really really challenging. We're in the trenches together.

You are pushing it though and being a bit of a dick devil's advocate so I can see why op is annoyed.

People fixating on the leave are seemingly forgetting that we don’t only have school holidays in the summer.

I do like this concise yet accurate response.

The details are important here though. You want more time to yourself, you have a husband who is the children’s equal father. So yes, the key detail is why the whole 6 weeks is down to you alone for childcare. And now you’ve given a full picture it’s evident that something has to give for the rest of the year. You also really need to be clear as to why if and when your husband takes annual leave you have to do things together and not leave the children with him for the day - he’s happy to leave the bulk of parenting to you for about 90% of the year it seems.

That's true but the summer holidays is the longest stint of holiday so while I'm not telling you how to live your life, I would probably have planned for my DH to have taken some time off during this time

Well yes, this is it - the concept of ‘owed’ time. No one is going to say ‘right, you had a poo which lasted ten minutes so I am going to have a ten minute bath!’ I hope but there is the expectation that one gets what the other does. So if I go out for the day on a Saturday DH is reasonable if he wants to go out for the day on a Sunday - and no, thanks, I’d rather not! 😂