Teacher married to non teacher

[allsummereverysummer]

It’s on my mind at the moment that I’m responsible for childcare every holiday until they are of an age they don’t really need it …

I know that’s obvious. I think it’s just I do the lions share of everything as it is. Feels like a long time to have them over the summer tbh.

Of course not which is why I feel a bit envious of those teachers married to teachers and now we really have come full circle.

Teaching is stressful, exhausting, mentally draining and involves working all day them many hours in the evening too.
However, being able to spend school holidays with my kids when they were little was an absolute joy. Make the most of it, they grow up very fast.

This really isn't about being a teacher or not.

I didn't work for almost 5 years, and had 2 DCs with a small age gap.

I never even thought about the benefits of 'having an H who was a teacher'.

I do wish OP that you would actually analyse what you want from your thread.

No one would disagree with having to care for a 1 year old and a 3 years old all day is tiring. But some of us did that for years. Mine didn't go to nursery or anything till they were 4, as there weren't any around at the time (my children are possibly your age now.) I had them all day every day for 4 years.

I'd given up a professional job to be a SAHM as that's what I wanted to do. I was an older Mum too.
Yes, it was hard.
Very hard, with long distance family.

But I did manage to have time to myself by handing over to DH at weekends, even having short holidays going to see family.

What is it that you want?

It appears to be a moan, which is fine.

But if that's all it is, at least say so.

How so? I understand people wanting some time to themselves on occasion (i was thinking a few hours here and there). I was a single mother to 4 and didn't have any at all, it never bothered me personally because they're my children. Suggestions have already been given about summer clubs etc for those who can't cope with the full summer and need a longer break. I don't get it but I can still empathise with people who feel overwhelmed generally, even if I don't feel the same about this particular issue.

I thought the long stretch of summer was the issue? And that is definitely a valid concern for a teacher/non-teacher relationship.

The other holidays you’re definitely just in the same boat as other working parents where we turn and turn about with our partners during school holidays - I’ll do a half term, DH will do a half term, etc.

I bet your H earns far more than most teachers.
And it allows you to only work 3 days a week.
Not many couples can do that even in professional jobs when they live in expensive housing areas.

This is the main perk of being a teacher for me. No childcare costs, and I get to spend all holidays with my children. I love the days when dh is at work and I do everything with the kids, my way. It's the whole reason I go to work.

When mine were infant age I would continue to use my childminder, babysitters and holiday clubs when a little older - and we are a two teacher family! We have no family help but we wanted some alone time. I love the summer holidays but after being around children day in day out, we needed some decompression time. You don’t need to have your children with your 24/7 unless the issue is financial.

Why don't you increase their nursery days? Or put one of them in for an extra day?

And why can't your Husband use annual leave to help you parent on the remaining days?

I am in a similar position to you in that I am a teacher, married to a non teacher who works away during the week and have 2 young kids. But I don't know many teachers married to other teachers so I always think I'm quite lucky getting to hang out with my kids, having long holidays and not having to worry about covering childcare!

Don't compare yourself too much - honestly the position of either being at work or being with the kids is fairly standard working parent stuff.
My kids are older now (primary age) and it does get easier tbh. Like this summer we've been on a family holiday and then I'm doing a separate holiday just me and the kids. Appreciate we are in a very fortunate position to be able to do this.
Anyway, not being unreasonable to find it tough, but remember in a couple of years when you have them both all summer they will be older and it'll be easy.

Jealousy is an ugly emotion @LemonandLimeCake . I don’t really read or engage with your posts. You showed me who you were earlier in the thread.

What about when the other partner is working flat out to earn the majority of the money that y’know, puts food on your table, clothes on backs and a roof overhead?
Is that not just as important part of being a parenting team??

Families lead a pretty crap life if the right amount of money’s not coming in. Which is a boringly practical fact if life.
But people often skip over that bit… especially by the parent doing less to earn money but more to raise the kids.
It’s about teamwork, not equally looking after kids. Otherwise both parents better be bringing in an equal share of the family income… which is very rarely the case.

We don't know what the earnings split is here.

I do know quite a few couples where the woman earns more and still does more childcare though...

I suspect she earns less working 3 days a week as a teacher than he does full time in a job that requires travel too.

Probably yes but without the wife in the term time job childcare would be a lot more - wraparound as well as school holidays. So that would factor in.

Earnings are irrelevant. No partner should have to do more because they earn less. They should do more of the childcare because they work less and have significantly more free time than the other spouse.
We do know OP works 3 days a week term time so had a huge amount more “free” time than her partner. It doesn’t make any sense to have that huge disparity in hours worked and yet expect things like childcare to be split more equally.

Jealous of what? I don't quite follow.

Are you jealous of other posters?

I'm certainly not jealous of you if that's what you think.
What is there to be jealous of?

You don't read or engage with my posts?

Yet you've replied to almost all of mine very defensively, and now with another personal snipe at me.
😂

Sorry, I'm confused about the point your trying to make?

The OP is struggling to parent on her 3 days off each week over the school holidays. Earnings are irrelevant because her husband gets annual leave so why can't he take some time off on her 3 days to help her?

Her feeling jealous of two teachers marrying each other is pointless but she doesn't seem to want to do anything that helps her, in which case she should just have said the post was simply for a moan about her not being able to cope but no advice on how to help is needed

Jealousy is an ugly emotion but it’s ok for you to say this? I feel a bit envious of those teachers married to teachers

So you feel like you won't have any chance for a break.

You could do any of the following:

• Use a holiday club occasionally. Some aren't expensive.
• have the occasional day to yourself, whilst their perfectly good other parent looks after them.

Both are perfectly viable, perfectly reasonable solutions. But you choose not to.

You sound like you're in a fully stocked kitchen complaining about having no food.

The difference (and massive perk) that you have being a teacher is that you can use holiday clubs to get time to yourself, rather than using them to keep your job. Most of us are so short of leave that we couldn't dream of using holiday clubs to have time to yourself. Your can, but choose not to (and then complain about not having that time to yourself, that you've chosen not to have).

I don't mean going out for whole weekends (then there's nothing wrong with that occasionally either), but for a morning, or a few hours in the afternoon. And no, that's not a 'proper break' but it's what most of us get in reality.

Personally, we'll be tag teaming one of us being off, both of us being off for a holiday together and using clubs. I'll be looking after kids in the day and then making up time for work in the evenings.

I think what would improve your life a lot would be to get more confidence in having your children together (and the same for your husband).

Ps: yes, having two young kids is hard and relentless. The idea of weeks to yourself with neither work nor kids is just a fantasy to most of us.

• I feel a bit envious of those teachers married to teachers* That was us! When we were out during the summer we would sometimes get comments like 'Bet you're looking forward to them going back to school!' and my deadpan reply was along the lines of 'Oh no, we love spending time with our children that's why we had them'

I feel a bit envious of those teachers married to teachers

I get this. Being able to spend the long holidays together would be amazing. The same for people who are a teacher/SAHP pairing.

But this fantasy is based on a tiny segment of society. For 95% plus of us, we have far less holiday than schools, and the idea of being off for it all (or much of it) together is pure fantasy.

Do you have any friends with small children OP? Turning some days into a social activity with similar people saved my sanity when mine were little. DH, self employed, working 6 days a week, 50 weeks a year was still available some evenings if I went to the cinema or took myself off shopping occasionally. I actually made some good friends at evening classes too.

at the moment I’m not able to do evening classes. In the future it would be nice though

I agree with @BookArt
I think this rigidity and negative mindset is someone on the way to burnout.

Ask me how I know

Your rigidity in not allowing their DF to juggle both DC at the park is very concerning.
The insistence on doing things this way to provide the best/ optimum experience for your children is actually doing the opposite.
Your children need to spend time with him, whether that is fun or stressful,they need that experience and so does he.
Children need less than optimum experiences to fully develop and learn.
Black and white, right/ wrong thinking is at play here and it's controlling.
Defensiveness and jumping to extremes is not helping you here.
Taking an hour or two at the weekend is not " fucking off for the weekend"
An afternoon in holiday club/ childminder each week is not abandoning your children
These things would be something to look forward to and relieve that feeling of overwhelm
Essentially you are playing victim to circumstances that you refuse to reconsider or explore.
What is behind that?
Fear, loss?

All the best,I hope you find a way forward