Teacher married to non teacher

[allsummereverysummer]

It’s on my mind at the moment that I’m responsible for childcare every holiday until they are of an age they don’t really need it …

I know that’s obvious. I think it’s just I do the lions share of everything as it is. Feels like a long time to have them over the summer tbh.

He is working though @Phineyj - it’s not as if he’s lying on a sun lounger. Anyway, I have indicated I’m fine with how weekends are, even if MN is not!

I think what you are suffering is end of term exhaustion and just longing for some time to yourself. People who don't teach have no idea how tiring and stressful it is and how we need downtime in the holidays. Just because you are home does not mean you shouldn't have your kids booked into some holidays clubs, or organise playdate exchanges so you get some me time. I also know that my husband finds it hard working when the rest of us are home. Start to book in some me time and you should start to feel a bit better.

No it makes you a martyr. You are complaining on this thread that you don't get time to yourself, that the thought of six weeks holidays is depressing. However as the thread goes on its clearer that your lack of alone time is your choice.

You could have swimming lessons where the parent doesn't need to go into the pool, you could take a few hours out to do something at the weekend and leave the DC with DH, you could buy more nursery time in the holidays or arrange the days so that they are in nursery together. Every suggestion made to you by pp who have been through this is batted away, not because its impossible but because you don't want to do it.

Its hard to feel sympathy for someone so determined not to change things even when they have choices.

You’re in the middle of it right now. I know, my boys are the same age (1 and 3). I’m exhausted. But… try to shift your perspective. I work 5 days a week year round, every penny I earn (and more) goes on childcare but I’m terrified of leaving the workplace. I cry every week because I am missing this time with them. We have no spare money, I had to borrow money from my parents to get their hair cut. Yes it’s hard. But I think it’s a perspective thing rather than the TTO thing. As they get old it will shift. I haven’t had a holiday because they keep getting ill and between DH and I we’ve used most of our annual leave for illness.

He’s not working until he passes out when he’s away, is he. The nights he away - does he get dinner in peace, watch anything he wants without keeping an ear out, have the choice of a long shower/bath, think about anyone’s needs but his own? It’s not about the fact he goes away for work - he gets time that is wholly his own and you don’t. It’s something my ex doesn’t recognise as well - that yes he works all week but he never has to think about anyone but himself unless directed to do so. Parenting with a small p.

You’re in the trenches right now OP, it does get better. I’m a full time primary teacher, and DH is self employed so we can only afford for him to take time off when we’re actually going away. DDs do/did go to in laws four days a week in term time so don’t ask them to do any babysitting outside of this, my mum lives 200 miles away and my dad is constantly on holiday.

Summer before last when DD1 was 3 and DD2 was 1 was HARD. Last summer was ok and this summer (DD1 is 5, just finished reception year, and DD2 is 3, now at preschool) I’m actively looking forward to. They play in the garden together, colour, build things etc fairly happily, and we have tons of play dates planned. They’re so easy to take out now; we meet friends at the park/soft play/beach, and they all just run off together and play.

Hang on in there; you’ll forget that complete mental exhaustion soon and be grateful for the holidays. In the meantime, lots of caffeine helps.

Ffs. Did you all have kids and not expect to bring them up , look after and spend time with them. Why is it someone else’s responsibility?

I’m not really complaining to be fair. I’m more acknowledging that it’s hard in the holidays when one parent is ‘on.’ but it is a bit strange the way I’ve started a thread about the school holidays and have ended up justifying our weekends. To be honest whenever I see someone accused of being a martyr on here it generally just means they aren’t doing what they are told and so it is here. MN deciding the solution to me providing sole childcare in the school holidays is to vanish at weekends does not mean I have to agree.

@Timeturnerplease thats reassuring as I’ve heard others say 3 and 1 is as hard as it gets. I hope so!

You came here upset and worried.
People have given you suggestions.
A dad can leave the house and go to work, do a hobby, whatever and that is fine.
But you can't leave the house to do something for yourself for the sake of your sanity and therefore making you a better mum. You're better off, the kids are then better off and so is your husband.
You aren't fucking off for hours, you're putting your oxygen mask on before you put on others. You're making sure your glass is full so you can pour into your children's glasses.
But you have decided that isn't for you, then fine. I don't understand why you have come hear to complain... Oh hang on I do! The reason you came here to complain is because actually you are or are almost at the point of burn out. Then when you're fully burnt out you are miserable, which transfers to your kids and your husband.

Step back, read the comments with an open mind and consider what has been said rather than telling those who are simply suggesting to look after yourself that it's a ridiculous suggestions.

You mean their father who if I remember correctly, was an equal part in creating them…

@BookArt there isnt a solution. The only solution is one of us changes jobs which isn’t possible or practical for all sorts of reasons. I certainly don’t appreciate being repeatedly called names or having my parenting called into question. That is most certainly unwanted and unhelpful.

Little bit defeatist to say there isn’t a solution except changing jobs, OP - the solution to dreading a long summer holidays solo parenting is surely just changing how/when your DH takes his annual leave?

They're just kids and your own kids at that 🙄

It's nice not having to do anything or go anywhere if you don't need to.

I'm a teacher and a single parent with the kids 100%. I am still able to have family or a babysitter support me to have that me time that is needed. There are solutions for little tweaks to anyones life, without dramatic jumps. Those little tweaks soon add up and help make life a little simpler, especially when the kids are so young and it is difficult.

If you feel someone is attacking you on this thread then don't respond to them. There view isn't kind. Move on.

But I've read some great advice on this thread, some I would try and other advice wouldn't work for my two kids and my parenting. Is there anything that you've read on here that is worth a shot?

You're in the trenches, it's hard. And it does make us all negative when we feel swamped, I'm just coming out the other side of that mindset. But it takes work to get out of it.

Who is unable to take 6 weeks off.

I really don't understand people who can't look after their own children. Everyone needs a break of course, summer clubs or nursery the odd day as has been suggested. I'm so surprised at the amount of people who don't feel they can look after their kids over the summer!

OK, so you just want a moan.

That's fine. Moaning is fine.

But there are lots of really practical suggestions you are choosing to ignore.

So you need to acknowledge that you aren't willing to change anything, and be content with it.

People, both on here and in real life, get frustrated when someone moans about a situation. Isn't willing to make any changes to that situation. And then carries on Moaning

OP, if you want sympathy and suggestions, AIBU isn't always the best place to look for them.

So many contradictions in one post. Quite impressive really.

OP works full time, of course more of the childcare falls onto her. If she didn’t want that she could work full time to be “equal” to the father if she’s that obsessed with a 50/50 split.

While the working hours are not 50/50 nor will childcare. That seems pretty obvious.

So your Husband isn't allowed any annual leave over the summer holidays or have I read that wrong? Why can't he book 6 days off to help you parent for 3 days each week? Then you've only got 12 days alone to parent, is that doable? Could you both afford to increase their nursery days for an extra day a week? That leaves you 8 days to parent, would that be easier?

Any relatives that would take them for a day? Or half a day?

Well yes but then I’m still going to have a holiday solo parenting aren’t I … just it would be Easter or Christmas? That’s not meant to sound arsey but it’s obvious that I’ve a lot more holiday than he does and I’ll need to care for the children in that holiday.

Really shitty post but you know that. It’s perfectly normal outside of Stepford Wife land to not want to spend every waking moment with your kids. Parenting is hard, isn’t that why this website exists? Are you ok? Takes a lot of effort to be a person like you.

This is going to be the deal well into the teen years with your children. If it bothers you that much then don’t work term time. It’s part of the deal when you do. Your husband has significantly less time off than you, even if you worked FT, so it will never be close to equal during the school holidays.