Teacher married to non teacher

[allsummereverysummer]

It’s on my mind at the moment that I’m responsible for childcare every holiday until they are of an age they don’t really need it …

I know that’s obvious. I think it’s just I do the lions share of everything as it is. Feels like a long time to have them over the summer tbh.

I don’t think I’m hectoring you, I’m just intrigued as to why because it’s best for the children to be able to do the things they enjoy when there are two parents.

If you don’t want to answer, that’s ok.

@allsummereverysummer can I respond to your last post or is that hectoring?

Cuppa, you are trying to provoke and cause upset which is more reflective on you than me.

We are posting about different things. I’m sure I AN unreasonable to be a bit daunted by long weeks alone. But hey, I am. You are posting about something completely different though, where you’ve decided my weekends are structured all wrong and making it known that these are your feelings, even though I’m saying over and over the weekends aren’t the problem - and nor would the holiday be if I could share it with DH a bit. Hence the title …

I'm in the same position and I hear you. It seems weird getting childcare when you're at home, and my husband is the sort that doesn't like to 'waste money'. However my husband has now conceded that our lovely ds is hard work and both ds and i would benefit from a break so I am going to look into some clubs he can go to, even if just for the morning. Teaching is a very tiring job and to go from being around other people's children all day to then looking after your own is quite exhausting. Unfortunately those that don't teach will not share our viewpoint on it but I guess I won't get other people's issues in careers that I am not involved in 🤷‍♀️

My sister is similar.

Won't do anything with the kids without involving her husband. Doesn't approve of paid for childcare. Doesn't really trust others to look after her kids. Doesn't plan very far ahead.

Don't be like my sister! It's damaged all her relationships and knackered her career.

I know that you feel like people are getting at you, but people are genuinely trying to help.

You have asked about how you can get down time, whether in holidays or regularly and people are making practical sensible suggestions.

I understand that you might not want a whole day but your husband is perfectly capable of looking after the children for an afternoon. Surely the 1 year still naps.

So go out when you they go down for a nap and then when they wake up your husband looks after the for a couple of hours, either at home or for a walk.

And then you can have 3 hours to go for a swim, get a haircut or whatever you want to recharge.

Do this a couple of times in the summer when he's off, either you week off or at the weekend.

I have agreed repeatedly that’s it ok to want down time during the holidays and have responded as such to some of the posters who accused you of not loving your dc or whatever.

It's just the obvious answer to your issue is your DH sometimes taking them on his own - which you clearly manage so it's not clear why it isn't an option

For example when we go on holiday for a week, usually we will give each other a bit of a break, not necessarily a whole day but one of us will take the kids for a walk or the beach on our own for a few hours.

Your DH could do that on your week in Wales. Or take the kids to the Gruffalo on his own.

If that's not what you want, fair enough but if you really want some time on your own it's that or pay for some holiday camps which you also se to have ruled out for the future

Perk of the job surely? I used to teach and this was the best bit!

There are a million ways around this but you do come over as having rigid thinking and behaviour, and not willing to change anything.

There's a funny set of dynamics going on.

On the one hand you aren't happy about having to do the lion's share in the summer holidays, but when it's suggested that you could have time to yourself by sharing childcare, you don't want to consider that, or you come up with reasons that you can't.

It's personal choice of course but centre parks with babies to me would not be a holiday-it would be a nightmare. I'd far rather keep those 5 days for a family holiday in the summer.

I'd also re-think the idea that it's 'best' for your children to 'always' have mummy and daddy with them at an activity like a park-walk, because one adult can cope with a baby and a toddler on their own (as you know, because you do it.)

Tbh those posters were far more offensive than mine asking why your DH can’t do more.

It’s just that they are at different stages, Cuppa. It is hectoring to keep insisting I answer questions I’ve already answered.

DS has a swimming lesson on Saturday mornings. I can’t take him in the week because I have the baby.

DD has a swimming lesson Saturday afternoon; I can’t take her in the week because I have DS.

DS does rugby Sunday mornings - DD gets bored and tries to crawl off if I take her so one parent takes DS the other does something with DD.

DD does baby ballet Sunday afternoons - DS wouldn’t really want to watch that!

During the week I take them to activities both can access (although that’s getting trickier I do manage it) but it’s nice for them to do these things. It takes two parents, though. I can’t really be any clearer than that and I don’t know why you seem so confused about it.

Sister is a qualified teacher but works as a TA.

You are making a massive rod for your own back. Do you think single parents with two kids just sit in the house all day?

You can go places with two kids and no DH. He cna go places with two kids and without you.

It’s crazy that you dont ‘allow’ this. This perpetuates inequality in parenting. Bet he is delighted at you excusing him from this. It’s simply not right.

Does he himself not want to care for both kids? Or learn how to?

How some families perpetuate sexism in parenting blows my mind.

@allsummereverysummer I’ve already said I was confused because it wasn’t clear, same for the annual leave. I wasn’t the only poster to be confused either.

Maybe your children are over-timetabled.

Do they really need to do all of those things- baby ballet at 1 year old?

You're making a rod for your own backs.

Cut back on the activities maybe.

I don’t think I am like that really @Phineyj but after a week pretty much alone I do actually want to spend time with my family as a family. We do a bit of one child here one child there but we also spend time as the four of us and it’s nice. It’s just things like being able to go for a wee at a park without having to capture both children and take them with you!

I do feel rightly or wrongly as if I, the way I live my life and what we do has become under intense and negative scrutiny - we holiday Wrong and our activities and how we do them are Wrong and I am Wrong to feel as I do and DHs annual leave is Wrong and my maternity leave was Wrong. And several pages later it is making me a bit upset. If you (general you, not you personally) wouldn’t go to CP or wouldn’t go to baby ballet … don’t. We do!

edit for crap SPAG!

OP mumsnet don’t like teachers.

I get where you're coming from - it's easier not to take a child to another child's activity but if it was at the cost of doing an activity I enjoyed child free I jolly well would take them for time efficiency! I took DD to a lot of swimming but only at the pool in the venue with the free parking, library and nice cafe! Priorities!

Do you mind my asking what your own childhood and parents were like? Do you feel strongly perhaps that they should do things you missed out on? Or are you trying to replicate a lifestyle where your mum didn't work?

Also most clubs and activities stop for the summer holidays, so now is the perfect time to re set and prioritise a couple of hours for you, either alone or seeing friends over the weekend

It's really odd that you are complaining about things that you have chosen to do.

You don't really want solutions or ideas from posters.

That's fine but without being open to new ways of behaving or assessing your choices, there's little point in your thread.

And actually @Phineyj now I read that back I’m as hell.

I’m without my husband three days a week. Only one of those days is my working day. So I do things without my husband all the time: literally every week.

I approve of paid for childcare - obviously. Hence they’re both in it.

Doesn’t trust others to look after her kids … it isn’t that don’t trust anyone, I don’t have anyone, outside of nursery anyway.

That was a rather mean spirited and I have to say out of character post for you. I don’t normally see posts like that from you.

@allsummereverysummer

I suppose I’m coming from the perspective of having 3 dc, friends who are single parents, or have 1 parent who works away, shifts, weekends, dc with big age gals etc so admittedly I find the rigid having to do everything together or separately unusual as it’s as another poster said it would make life impossible for many.

It gets easier when they are bigger, my DD is going to spend two weeks at summer activity camp, half-days, but enough time for me to have a bit of time for myself.