Teacher married to non teacher

[allsummereverysummer]

It’s on my mind at the moment that I’m responsible for childcare every holiday until they are of an age they don’t really need it …

I know that’s obvious. I think it’s just I do the lions share of everything as it is. Feels like a long time to have them over the summer tbh.

But she doesn’t. He works when she doesn’t so of course she should do the childcare. And she said she wouldn’t have DH looking after them anyway so what has the DH done wrong?

@Itisjustmyopinion If your DH does nothing to help, isn’t there and you wouldn’t leave dc with him alone how is that not a DH problem?

like so many of us are saying, that just is life with young DC

It isn't though. It's not how life is for her DH.

He gets to work uninterrupted, chill out in the evening, help out if he feels like it on the weekend, and given the OP keeps avoiding this question, probably takes his annual leave to go on cycling holidays.

It's not how my life with young DC is either - DH and I share the load, I get the odd day off without children and usually a couple of hours most weekends, we share the chores so I have a rest in the evenings too

Yes you’re get a hammering here because you dared to say the unsayable! Just ignore them. Parenting is tough, it’s crap at times and finding it hard doesn’t make you a bad person. I’m a teacher with teens and I know how bloody knackered you are at the beginning of the holidays. To then have to look after a toddler urghhhhh

My advice- deal with the now. You are fast forwarding. Three years ! Stop that (bossy teacher voice). And you are being a wee bit of a martyr too. Spending all your money on the kids. That is making you resent your situation more. Claw back some time and money for you. Kids don’t need loads spent on them.

But do address the husband thing (I see you avoiding that question 😂)

Im a teacher married to non teacher and i hear the main point behind your message which is you're worried to face a long 5 weeks largely on your own. I think lots of parents would actually find that daunting in some ways (i know i do!) rather than revelling in every moment. So for a practical idea of what i find has helped me:

1. Make a massive, massive list of every possible option of things to do within an hour drive. Ask facebook groups,other parents etc for ideas. Split into free/cheap and pricier.

2.Have an idea of what you might do for nearly every day from this list. Put it in your phone. (Not saying you have to do it but those mornings when you wake up thinking arghh! you can think ok, beach today or that museum, strawberry picking, country park etc.) 3.Buy a national trust membership = lifesaver. 4.Get dh either to book some annual leave in a block or some days dotted around. 5.Arrange yourself some nice, solo (or just dh) things some weekends. Pay for a babysitter. It honestly gets easier as kids get older. Mine are now 4 and 6. And do enjoy the summer. It's tiring yes, especially after looking after other people's kids every day at work, but it can be lovely!

Well personally I think he should see that the consequences of his job include the fact that his wife is shouldering all the burden at home and maybe take the kids out on Sunday morning.

Or even travel less. Like I said above, I am slightly sceptical of men with young DC whose jobs expect them to travel all the time. I wonder how many of them have female colleagues who manage to be home for dinner and bedtime most nights.

I’ve already answered it. I’ve said that quite simply I wouldn’t want him to do it to me so I don’t do it to him

But you have your dc alone, isn’t this what the thread is about?

Edit..wrong thread

I actually think one of the biggest adjustments to becoming a parent is that you no longer get an annual leave day off.

You are either at work, or looking after children. And because for most people there isn't enough annual leave to both be off together with the other parent very much then you are looking after children by yourself.

Some people are fortunate to have family support who will look after the children for a day or two. But millions of people don't.

You need to make sure that your partner takes some leave in the summer as well, and then each give each other one or two days off

I don't really get it OP. What would you be "doing to your DH"? He already seems content for you to spend all your time off being responsible for childcare? Why the heck shouldn't he do a chunk of the weekend or the odd day in the (dates confirmed two years in advance, very predictable) school holidays?

As someone who works on schools so has lots of "holidays" I put my foot down and make DH take some time of in the school holidays. If I don't it means I end up totally burnt out (mum of 3 kids 1 whom has significant complex support needs and 1 who has SEN needs) and DH then ends up with loads of spare holidays and was using them for random week's of in term time. I don't grudge him doing that on a day here and there but when I am carrying all the childcare load its unfair. I also now use sports holiday clubs for the older 2 for a bit in the summer. This summer the kids have 7.5 weeks of and DH has taken 2 weeks. I have also booked to go away for a weekend to my best friends. I ended up really unwell last August because I was burnt out after doing most of the childcare last summer on my own and swore never again. DH was told he would be helping more and if he didn't I would change jobs so he had to take school holidays of to as I would be working. He now takes lots.

I'm not a Teacher but work term time only.
I feel lucky that we don't have to worry about finding childcare in the holidays when so many of our friends find it a stressful juggling act. On the other hand, I understand it can feel a bit relentless being with your small children 24/7 for several weeks when you're knackered. That's life with young children though, and if you didn't work term time only you'd have to use all your AL to cover the holidays, inset days, sick days etc so you wouldn't necessarily get a break anyway.

It gets a lot easier as the kids get older and I would say on the whole the positives of working TTO outweigh the negatives. My DC both have SEN so although we have lots of fun together in the holidays it can definitely be hard work. DH doesn't work term time only, but he takes his AL in the school holidays and he also takes the kids away for a long weekend every summer to give me a break.

This summer I've booked DD10 onto a 5 day dance workshop and DS6 is doing a 2 days the same week, so ill have a few hours to myself on those days. DS is also doing a couple of days football training another week, so it also means I get one on one time with both of them at different points in the holiday. I don't feel bad about using these clubs when we don't need the childcare as they are really keen to do these things and we can afford it. I appreciate it wouldn't be an option for some families though were money is tight or the kids don't want to go.

@allsummereverysummer check out your local library/sports centre/churches. Won't help while they're in nursery maybe but around here lots offer holiday club type activities where you can leave children from reception age. Church ones here are free too.

Dh was the teacher in our relationship. I did make sure he got time to himself if he wanted during weekends/my day off plus didn't just assume he'd do everything else even though he had assumed this of me for years before. Appreciate it's harder when dh is working away though. Can he meal prep stuff for you when he's around to make your life a bit easier?

@Helpaladyoutplease's advice is good.

You've said that you work 3 days a week and have the kids the other two days. You've also said they'll be going to nursery 2 days a week in the holidays. So you have one more day with kids than normal, and 2 days off per week.

I suspect the issue is probably that he works away, so you're essentially a lone parent in the week? So the issue is with his job and the lack of support you are getting.

I would absolutely kill to have so much time with my kids, but can equally imagine feeling resentful for having no help week in week out all the drudgery that comes with that.

At weekends the children have activities that can’t be done without one adult. DS does rugby and swimming and DD does swimming and a little baby ballet class.

Completely normal. But why does that stop you seeing friends and having hobbies? My dc are at a club with DH and I’m having a lie in, dicking about on MNs.

I'm feeling sad for the children whose parents think the summer is a "long time" to spend with them. Why bother to have kids and then chuck them in childcare (unless you have to work of course but teachers don't).

I think you've selectively quoted me there. I fully agree the DH needs to step the fuck up (and OP needs to let him), but I also think she has unrealistic expectations for the amount of child free time off working parents of young DC get. It's both.

Im not sure what advice you’re looking for to be honest. Whilst I completely understand you currently finding childcare hard work without a break, you also say how your husband and father of your children isn’t around enough to do his part. And yes, unless there’s extenuating circumstances parents do need to work but not if everything else becomes a ‘you’ problem to figure out.

How much annual leave is he entitled to? How does he use it? Why can’t he take a few days and you can go browse the shops or do as you please for a few hours child free? There is obviously another layer of issues here that you’re not sharing - outside of MN most couples give each other more of a childcare break than you’re getting.

I don't really get it OP. What would you be "doing to your DH"? He already seems content for you to spend all your time off being responsible for childcare? Why the heck shouldn't he do a chunk of the weekend or the odd day in the (dates confirmed two years in advance, very predictable) school holidays?

I dint get it either. Why would the DH not take annual leave during school holidays as that’s when the OP would have annual leave?

I really don't think it's a teacher thing. It's a term time working thing. The thing that's winding people up a bit is that it's what loads of people have to do but if they have a DH they have to take time off to be with the kids too. I don't get this "I wouldn't do it to him" thing. It's not you doing it. It's what is needed. Your family is in the lucky position (and yes it is a bonus) to not have to worry about time off during the school holidays. People are pointing this out. That's not to say anything about teaching being a tough job or not. You also are fortunate to be able to work part time.

This does not in anyway diminish that mumming is tough for a lot of people. Your DH, I assume is their father, and he needs to take his time off to cover some of this time you are finding tough.

I probably do @CelesteCunningham although in fairness I haven’t mentioned or alluded to this. I know a lot of people have it tough, very tough, and I don’t want to make it sound as if I’m downplaying that. But I suppose we all have a ‘normal’. I’ve had a year on maternity leave so no ‘break.’ I’m very much looking forward to this summer and then realised it’s the last, mentioned it on here and hate my kids and shouldn’t have had them and should LTB 😅

I’d love to live in your world of blissful naïveté.

Yes it's not clear OP what your DH is doing with his leave and why you're scared to leave your kids alone with him

You're right, you did acknowledge the lazy DH. But a lot of people have basically said "it's life, suck it up sunshine" and it really isn't how all of us live with DC. It's definitely not the experience that her DH has.

But I do agree something has to give - she can't not use childcare, not ask her DH to do more and then also whinge about the consequences

I'm stuck by your comment, I won't get a day off for years.

The only way that anyone gets a day off once they have small children, is for their partner to parent for the day.

It's completely normal to be either at work or with the children. Most people can't afford extra childcare when they are not working.

You are incredibly fortunate that for this summer you will have 10 full child free days, that's an enormous amount.

But it's not normal for one parent, your husband, not to do childcare without you.

Start small, meet a friend for Saturday afternoon walk and coffee, after the clubs. And go out for a couple of hours.