To ask for the positives of only having one child?

[uhohala]

I know I’m lucky to have one. I always wanted at least two, so they each had a sibling. Sadly separated from DP when ds was 1 and he’s 2.5 now. No new relationship on the horizon and I’m 38 so it’s possible it’s already too late. I feel really down about it tonight. Anyone truly made peace with it or can see any plus points to just having one? I have the money to go it alone but it feels too much when I already have ds.

It annoys me when people say “oh but they have good relationships with cousins” - as an only child, their children then wont have cousins. I do feel sorry for only children in times of hardship as, in my experience (from a very large family) that’s when the family really pulls together, no one is ever alone.

i would never have an only child through choice. I do have an only child, through medical reasons, who has quite severe additional needs so have none of the benefits of having an only child, there’s No downtime or play dates here,

Encouraging OP to 'go it alone' ????? Reducing the role of fatherhood to sperm donation and what about the child???????

Then I think it's fair to say that your childhood wasn't impacted in the most part by being an only child.

If you are the child of a "drug addicted criminal" that's probably rather significant in your upbringing.

Love doesn't mean "stuff." Are my parents loving because I got a pony? More loving when I got a second? Does it mean they really, really love me when I get a fancy car? To them, they probably think so. And I get that I'm massively privileged. Of course, you'd like to have a nice thing than not have it. Selfish? Yep, why wouldn't I be, I was always the star of the show, and other than when with friends didn't ever have to consider anyone other than myself. Inherently you become the only thing that matters, so to speak. Was I spoiled? Yes. Am I a brattish Verucca Salt? No. But I was flooded with experiences and stuff. Most onlys I know were. Definitely my parents overcompensating. Hell would freeze over before they ever admit it.

So yes, my childhood had loads of stuff.

But I'd have given up all the stuff, then and now, to have someone to grow up with.

Our eldest is 10yrs older than the next DC. So he was an only for many years. Constantly asking for a brother. Always longing for the company of other children. When DTwins came along he wept and wept with joy. Absolutely, there are days where he's had more than enough of them. And they each other. They fight.

But to see what they have between them, is everything I wished for as a little girl. And I hope this turns into everything I wish for as an adult.

OP is looking for stories of hope, and wobbling about what it means to be an only. She has discounted the idea of doing it alone for a second child, and I would rethink that, if it were me.

And obviously, and for the third time, experiences may vary.

Well this thread is a mixed bag. I kinda feel like shit for only having 1 now.

Same. I started off feeling great about being one and done by choice.
Now I feel guilty and selfish, because I don't want to go through the horrific experience of pre- and post-natal anxiety and depression I suffered first time round.

To be honest you sound incredibly spoiled and selfish. Yes stuff does not equal love. Your parents not giving you a sibling is not an indication that they didn’t love you. Perhaps there are other issues at play here because you sounds abnormally resentful towards your parents. You are also extremely insensitive.

Yep same. People don't understand the risk of having another kid for some people. It would be another dad aswell and maybe that's just too complicated. I'm also 38 with long term depression. .

Please don’t feel shit for making the decision that is right for you. There are a couple of very unhappy people on this thread who are generalising from their own situations.

Op- I have one child. Not through choice necessarily (IVF), but I did choose not to go through that again. Never been pregnant again in 15 years despite zero contraception.

I'm one of 6 (big Irish family), always thought I'd have 3 or 4. But honestly if I had my time again I'd still have 1 all over again. I think it's completely under rated. My dd is a teen now- apart from when she was 5, she's never asked for a sibling and told me on many occasions how happy she is not to have a sibling.

Dh has 1 sibling who he rarely speaks to. I am close to mine though especially only to one. Tbh it's hard organising anything as there's too many of us. I feel constant guilt meeting one sibling over the rest. I was very talented in a certain sport and had to give it up as I could never go to the competitions as it was too time consuming for my parents with the younger kids.

I am especially close to my bf who has one sister she never sees. My bf is like a sister to me. We're godparents for each others dc etc. the dc see themselves as cousins. Even without my siblings I wouldn't feel lonely as I have a parents, dh, dc, dog, bf and other friends. I have supported my bf when her parent was terminally ill- picking up her kids, listening ear, making them meals. Things a sibling might do. Having good adult relationships is not about blood, but effort and putting in the time and care.

Positives of one

• we have the most amazing close relationship. As a teen she still gets into bed every morning for a cuddle and a chat
• we are a family of 4 (including dog). We're all very close.
• a lovely chilled house though we have lots of fun too.
• we have much more disposable income
• I'm able to work part time and term time only as we were able to save over the years
• she does a sport at a high level. 6 times training a week (including several early mornings) plus at least bimonthly competitions all around the country. We can facilitate this but probably couldn't with more dc
• lots of time to support education and study. Dd is at a grammar school
• we go on holiday 6 times a year and have been able to very active holidays from when they were 5- skiing etc
• dd has a very active social life, 2 friends here tonight for a sleepover then another trip out tomorrow with another friend. When dd not here dh and I get time to ourselves.
• when sleepovers at other people's houses (usually twice a month) dh and I get a night out. Our marriage is very strong as we get lots of time with each other.
• dd and I have great adventures without having to consider another child (city breaks to see concerts etc)

Considerations

• we got a dog to take all the attention from dd from when they were young. Dogs are quite restrictive so they have learnt to appreciate we can't always do what they want
• have fun! Dh and I know how to channel our inner child. As she's got older we've adapted to get involved in things she wants- badminton, paddle boarding etc
• you need to be willing to open your house up and have their friends around. We have a very open house and dd friends always want to come here rather than their own houses
• as a young dc they had lots of play dates.
• put them in extra curriculars
• be proactive in wider family. Dd is lucky that she has similar age female cousins who she sees a few times a month. Interestingly both of her female cousins have older brothers and for the past 7 years they've had no common interests.
• plan and prepare for the future. We've savings accounts, ISA's, wills etc done already.

Whatever you choose it Doesn't stop the worrying about the future though I think every parent does. 2 of my good friends second children have SEN and they worry about the burden it might leave on their older dc. Life is never straightforward. You can only do your best with what you have and hope for the best.

The argument that a child can miss out being an "only" cuts both ways...I was one of three, and very much an unplanned child.

I have two older sisters - there is only 18 months between them, but 7 years between me and the younger of the two. Older sister was very self-sufficient and left home when I was nine. The younger one already had MH issues which escalated rapidly when she became a teenager.

I became what we might now call a "glass child". I loved my parents dearly, but I will always be vexed for them bringing me into the world, particularly as I had to tag along to what was already going on. I would have loved nothing more than to have been an only child, although I did get to experience it to a certain extent, as my father was an only child, and I spent a lot of time on my own with his parents, which I loved as there were no cousins or anyone to have to share with.

There are a great many reasons why I never wanted to have children, and what I've written here contributed to it.

A mother’s good mental health trumps anything a sibling can offer when it comes to raising happy, secure children. I speak from experience here. x

I must have missed the bit where I said giving me a sibling would have meant they loved me.

I don't resent my parents. At all. I massively missed having a sibling then, and now, and this would have been somewhat in their control. It doesn't make them bad people. I just knew I wouldn't want that lonely life for any child of mine.

Perhaps they had fertility issues. I don't believe so. But not entirely unreasonable that they did, and I still remain unaware. They certainly had the money to adopt, but maybe that wasn't right for them. I think I was quite a bad birth, but it's hard to tell with my mother, she's so extra about everything, that it may indeed have been pretty normal. Maybe it was that bad she never wanted another.

Of course your children can have cousins if you are an only child. I am an only child. My DS has cousins, because his father has a brother who has children. It's not hard to figure out!

Yes, if you are in a relationship with the father, or he still sees the child if separated.

If it's "just you" as a single mum, then there's no cousins. I know two women like this.

And even in the first instance, it's relying on the person you marry having the siblings you don't.

I don't get the cousins argument. Siblings don't always provide cousins either. My siblings don't have children. And I know many couples whose childen don't have cousins despite both parents have siblings. If not having cousins is an argument for not having an only child, then it's a very weak one at that.

I have five cousins. Two of them I wouldn't be able to pick out in a crowd, and I honestly do not know the last time I saw them. They grew up on the other side of the world, and when they came back my family and theirs hardly ever saw each other, due to location and nothing else.

The three cousins who live in my city were also a lot older than me (at least relatively as children, less so as adults, but the youngest was 14 when I was born), so I never saw them except if they were home from work when I was visiting their home.

Again, no animosity, they are just people who I don't know very well at all. The most I have spoken to any of them is since losing my mother last year. The concept of cousins doesn't always work even when there are plenty of them.

My dad and DH are only-children. One from a middle class family with 2 working parents that could afford to support him through public school and an Oxbridge phd, but couldn't have afforded it for two children. One raised by a single mum in a council flat, who worked long shifts at a badly paid job, but gave her one child all her attention and care. Given those circumstances, I believe they have both benefitted, albeit in very different ways, from being an only. They both having friends, social hobbies, good jobs, and loving families: they are not lonely. I had my first when I was over 40, no trouble conceiving, trouble-free pregnancy, very healthy baby, but I struggled for about a year after the birth. I am taking this blessing as enough, and I'm not going to push my luck, or my mental health, or our finances, or the amount of care I can give my existing DC, by having another. Just my experience, but I think there are some positive aspects to only having one.

Only read the op but it's amazing. I'm one by choice but went through a lot of soul searching to make the choice.

She is so very close to me and my husband, we are a team, have a lot of fun, can give her all our time and attention, she makes friends very easily on holidays etc so no concerns there, and she's incredibly sociable and well liked. The main thing is the closeness of her relationships with both parents which in my mind is a lot more important than sibling relationships (and i'm one of 4 kids and we all get on great, I just think the bond with mum/dad tops that.

This all over!

I think there are studies that suggest only children are on average the happiest,?

Hate it when a thread asking for positives gets doomed on - eg cousin argument. How do you know your only child will have any kids themselves ffs, having another child so that your first child's children will have cousins is ridiculous.

My daughter's oldest cousin was 16 when she was born and lives a 12 hour flight away.

As a flip side to this, when growing up with a parent who has MH issues having a sibling can be an immense support.
Hard to judge though as unless there's a long history it's easy for someone to expect their MH to improve and put it down to them just struggling with parenting a young child etc.

Hate it when a thread asking for positives gets doomed on

They always do, every single time. No idea why - I wouldn’t go onto a thread started by e.g. someone unexpectedly pregnant with triplets asking for the benefits of a large family and tell them it sounded shit and awful.

@Magnificentkitteh Yes, I agree there is research that concludes they are happier overall. i expect there are many happy children with siblings also, but if a family can only have one child, or chooses that, it makes sense that the child will receive more opportunities, resources, time etc.

Life is easier with one child. Your priorities aren't split all the time. You are wealthier in time and money and you don't feel poorer for love. In fact there is more time for me to enjoy the parent child relationship. True, my "family" feeling is for three of us not four but I don't feel that's lacking anything. It just feels "family" to me.

I worried about being alone as an only child adult but I know people in their seventies who are alone because they have outlived their siblings. Being an only makes your friendship networks more robust. I had a rock solid sense of self worth as does my only, I think that is easier to instil when you don't need to compromise as much because of the needs of more than one child.