To ask for the positives of only having one child?

[uhohala]

I know I’m lucky to have one. I always wanted at least two, so they each had a sibling. Sadly separated from DP when ds was 1 and he’s 2.5 now. No new relationship on the horizon and I’m 38 so it’s possible it’s already too late. I feel really down about it tonight. Anyone truly made peace with it or can see any plus points to just having one? I have the money to go it alone but it feels too much when I already have ds.

But many of us with siblings don't have that. I wouldn't piss on mine if they were fire. They feel the same about me. We certainly don't have each others back in an emergency. My childhood was so much more than just my siblings and I have plenty of people to speak to about my childhood memories if I so wish.

I can empathise there may be sadness of not having siblings but isn't the be all and end of all. No one should be relying on their siblings as their sole support network, it comes in all forms of relationships.

@Metagoths That's great for your cousin, but people are different. Some of us do have more of a need for close family and do struggle with difficult feelings due to being an only. It's so dismissive to call us melodramatic.
Also, you don't actually know the ins and outs of how your cousin feels, or how she'll feel in future. She might not be choosing to share that with you.
In real life I don't talk about the stuff I've said here on an anonymous forum, so if you asked my cousins they'd probably say I'm perfectly happy being an only too.

Without sounding rude, I know my cousin better than you.

Everyone's situation of being an only child is unique to them. Of course there is those that struggle, but there is many many that don't and have happy childhoods and lives. I'm sorry you struggle but it is not the same for everyone.

The OP came on worried and looking for positive stories and some people have come on and used it as a platform to aim their own stories of woe instead of posting anything constructive to help the OP. Posts about only children being sad lonely figures at their parents in melodramatic I'm sorry and incredibly disrespectful and offensive to a poster who is already down.

Thanks for sharing this . It is great to hear some positivity about having an only child. I actually don’t know anyone in real life apart from me and my husband who has an only child so it’s lovely to hear about other peoples positive experiences.

I think my daughter overall massively benefits from being an only child. We can do a lot more, she has our undivided attention, she doesn't have to share. I have had my moments of feeling guilty but I think overall there are a lot of positives.

I'm an only and had a lovely childhood. My parents are old now and, going by statistics, will die in the next few years. I have one cousin whom I haven't seen in 20 years and the rest of my family (grandparents, aunts, uncles) are long gone so I'll be on my own. I'm fine with it. Of course, that would have been a different story had I been 10 but I'm 40. Yes, it'll be down to me to look after them if they need to - they are adamant that they don't want me to and have made sure they have enough savings to cover so many years of care, but I would want to support them as best as I can.

My husband has a brother. They get along fine but can go for long stretches of time without seeing each other. I can't say I look at their relationship and think I've missed out on anything past, present or future. My husband is already doing the bulk of the caring so I doubt his brother will have an epiphany any time soon.

Some may resent their parents for being an old child, but there will be as many resenting having siblings. I'm relatively sure that when parents stopped at 1, there was a genuine reason be it financial, health related, choice based on experience. I very much doubt anyone decided not to have another child out of spite to their existing child. Of course, said child may end up unhappy with their life, but there'll equally be people who will wish they didn't have a sibling.

I think there are a lot of stereotypes about only children here in the UK which I didn't experience when I lived abroad, and I feel this feeds a sense of unease and guilt amongst parents. In this day and age, we should all know families come in all sizes and shapes, and this is fine.

My husband and I didn't have any set idea about how many children we would want and we'd said anything between 0 and 3. At some point, we decided to go for one and see how it went. Let's say we don't want anymore, and this is fine. Having a second child when we are not in a good place to would do more harm than good.

I used to get hundreds of comments about how an only child is a lonely child, that they are spoilt, unable to form relationships, grow into lonely adults.

And it's always from those with multiple children. They will never ever admit the downsides to having multiple children and refuse to believe there are positives for one.

One child here and we have the best life, so does he.

Exactly this. There are a minority of only children, who say as adults, they had a great childhood and continue to have a great adulthood.

The majority of only children, as adults, say otherwise. There's a lot of parents announcing on their only child's behalf how wonderful their child finds it, and not even a thought about the future. It's very much a parents choice for the parent, and parents will insist it's what their categorically child prefers. They kind of have too, for themselves.

Again there are exceptions, but you only have to look at this thread to see they are not the rule.

So only children have terrible childhoods and terrible lives as adults and children from families with siblings have good childhoods and good lives as adults?

So ‘the majority’ of only children are unhappy both in childhood and in adulthood? Where’s that information coming from? And is there comparable data for mental health among adults with siblings?

This might be your case but research suggest otherwise that only children are just as happy as those with siblings.

https://researchaddict.com/only-child-effects/

Thank you. Someone who understands.

There is also that:

https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20211116-why-only-children-are-still-stereotyped-as-selfish-and-spoilt

Erm in case you didn’t realise there are lots of people who don’t have more than 1 dc for various reasons outside their control. It is not always a “parents choice” and even if it is their choice it’s none of your business. You don’t know that most only children are miserable . You are assuming this based on your experience.

I have one sibling and she actually hated and resented me from the time I was born and that has never ever changed. It wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest if I was an only child because I may as well be. I don't want to turn this thread into a "Woe is me" though because there seems to be enough of that on here. All you can do is what you feel is right for you @uhohala . Wishing you the very best

Time to dedicate just to them, able to have free time, more money so they can have more activities/days out.
Mine has never wanted a sibling even as a toddler. She's nearly 8 now and awesome, we go for lunch together, shopping etc.

I had three, but was an only child. In some ways I was "farmed out" to extended family, but it was a great childhood, travelling around the UK. We had more disposable income because I was an only. I used to want siblings, until I came to realise what a nightmare it can be if you don't get on, but have to be in their company for the sake of elderly parents. I do have a much older half sibling (my Mum didn't have me until 40) who made life really difficult when my Mum died. OP not only are there positives to only having one child but not having more than one father and family involved.

Every thread someone starts asking for the positives of having one child is inevitably hijacked by people complaining about how awful it is. Can we not have one thread where this doesn’t happen?

OP - there are happy and unhappy only children, and happy and unhappy people with siblings. You can’t make a decision about how many kids to have based on some hypothetical future scenario, as you have no idea how things will turn out. All you can do is make the decision that feels right for you and your family now. Have a second child if you want one (but bearing in mind that it will be much harder going it alone than with a partner).

One and done. Can't afford to put more than one through uni. She's nearly 16 so can see the light at the end of the tunnel. She'll be off to uni soon and I can get my life back.
I'll never understand those that leave big gaps! (Or can even be bothered doing it a second time or more!) Don't they like sleeping????!

I have a brother and we loathed each other through childhood. We literally made each other and my parents miserable every day. I don't have a single positive memory of my sibling, the only thing that my parents could have done to improve the situation was divorce and take each of us to separate houses. When my parents die, we won't be standing together supporting each other at the funerals. And we'll almost certainly never speak again.

I'd much rather have been sad every day because I was lonely, rather than sad every day because I was being tormented and never got a happy moment in my own home. And I'd much rather be arranging my parents old age care and funerals by myself.

While our situation is extreme, it's not unheard of and many people I know have negative relationships with their siblings.

If only children on this thread or ones they know failed to make friends or romantic relationships as an adult, it's not because they were an only child. It's quite sad to have multiple children just because you're worried your child won't succeed socially in their own right and needs some siblings who are obliged to put up with them.

@ClonedSquare my experience with my sister was sadly the same. Solidarity to you ❤️

@neighboursfan67 Thank you, and to you as well. The thing is that my brother isn't even a bad person in any way, we were just so different that we could get on at all. So if having a sibling could be so miserable for us, I dread to think what it could be like if one of the children actually did have mental health or personality issues.

I have stood at the funeral of two of my three children. The horror of that means I can't fathom trying again, the prospect of planning another funeral with a coffin for a baby means having one living child is what we consider to be an immense blessing.

I hope when I go, my child is surrounded by their family, which they have built, whom they are loved by.

I’m so sorry, SoggyTrousers.

I have to say my dc never ever asks for a sibling. I hope he doesn’t start. I actually strongly suspect he wouldn’t take kindly to the arrival of a baby in the house at this point. I think I’m more bothered by him being an only than he is.