Wife doesn’t want to have sex

[Ollie90]

my wife and I have been together for 10 years and the sex the has been really good but then a few year ago it started to be to less frequent and more excuses started to come up. Now it’s once every few months and it has to be quick, with me on top and over really quickly. I’ve asked is it my appearance and if so I would change if she wanted me more muscular etc but she said it isn’t that. In the past she mentioned with previous exes she stopped fancying them and used to make up excuses not to have sex and would only have it minimal times a year. For me sex is a way of feeling connected and loved and not having it frequently makes me feel unwanted.

@Ollie90

Don't think like this - "I help out around the house as much as I can". If you operate like this you are subconsciously dumping the whole domestic load on her. Which comes with generations of conditioning.

Then for her 'the home' its like living in a summer of persistent rain with a few days of sunshine. It is still a grey, gloomy summer for her. You drive 50% of the activity so discharge at least the same amount. Work as a team it is much easier to do that today, tomorrow and in the long run.

There is enough information on this site already if you look, which gives you the same answer. Nothing stirs a woman up more than a man with his shirt sleeves rolled up, halfway between his wrist and his elbow, (but no more apparently) hands deep in the sink scrubbing the last sticky Weetabix spots from their DD's breakfast bowl, or helping her draw a tree in wax crayon (and loving the moment), or emptying the bin and putting a new liner inside while also checking when to buy the next roll, and marking it on the shopping list......while knowing that this is what life is and still loving it.

Work together. Be romantic.

Get up at 06:00 on a weekend day when you are together. Make and pack a picnic. Pack the car and put the kids spare clothes, a rug and some toys in the boot. Make her a cup of tea and lay the breakfast table. When you have all eaten, let her shower and get dressed while you wash up and clear the table. Dress the kids. Pack the dinosaur and the dog. Drive to the country or the seaside and spend a day together. Look at nature, stones (no phones), trees, bees, butterflies, grasses, wild flowers and marvel together.

Rub her feet. Ask for a hug. Kiss her cheek with no agenda. Love unconditionally.

See what happens.

One of the problems that sex specialists are finding with men accessing so much online porn, is that they think sex is like they see in the 'films'. That doesn't mean porn with some sort of storyline and build up like the VHS versions of our youth. We are talking porn that is accessed eg on Twitter which is one of the places that people do it secretly as it can't be traced on work devices etc. This is usually very short clips usually only the bit leading up to climax and the short length of the clips makes it as addictive as egTik Tok videos to young teens. They are this length on purpose - they are addictive and people scroll for more and more.
When people are watching porn a lot - say every night - their brains become rewired and this changes how they become aroused. For younger men (say under 25) with porn addictions what is being seen is that they can't get aroused by touch at all - they have had so much sex with themselves using their phones as arousal that they don't find real bodies as stimulating. For older men who had less access to highly addictive online porn in their youth and can get aroused by real bodies, they are finding problems with ED or not wanting to have the build up to sex, their brains are going straight to the minutes before climax and that is what they want from their partners.
OP, I have no idea if you are worried about your porn consumption and how it is affecting your body, but if you think this might be impacting your intimate sex life and be a reason that your wife isn't responding in the way she once did, this is a brilliant video to watch.
s
Also Dr Rob Weiss is very good

I think over the next ten years we are going to see the hugely growing impact of this on men of all ages, the chat in the media is often about the damage to teens but the damage to grown men is just as dangerous, as porn addiction from online over use becomes sex addiction and acting out in dangerous and adulterous ways and devastates intimate relationships. I am not suggesting that all married men are porn addicts, porn can be great for some people just like wine can be great for some people but others are alcoholics. Also lots of women watch porn in a healthy way. But it is a highly addictive thing that can be really damaging in some people and there isn't enough information out there.

Despite the cynical tone I have to agree with this. Sometimes marriages, nay, people have down times. ALL women can’t be consistent sex machines all the god damn time. Sometimes hormones, mental health, workload, worry about children, worry about anything can just cut libido dead.

And yes, you will have to put up with it.

Unless you want to throw away 10 years and break up a family, you dig in and support your wife. In sickness and in health and all that…

Or forget higher ideals of romantic care and love. Just move on and find another female to service your needs. Like monkeys do.

If she feels like a nanny and a maid then she probably won’t feel included to have sex. You need to make her feel wanted and appreciated. That isn’t about pressurising her into sex but helping her and investing time in her eg date nights.

Like I said I understand equitability in a relationship, however different relationships have different balances of chores, financial contribution etc. Ultimately these are all material functionality of a relationship yes.
Should there be an equitable balance … yes.
However do I agree these are the building blocks of intimacy, absolutely not.

As for other person saying it’s coerced sex … really needs to consider the accountability of the OPs wife here, all of us can say no. Doing it just as another chore is a conscious choice.

Both parties have a responsibility here.

This is what I came to say.

If she's having sex to placate you, is that the level of "consent" you're genuinely comfortable with? If she was actually interested it wouldn't be a quicky with you on top where she doesnt really pay attention? Better let him fuck me or he'll stray / leave.

Stop.

I think you should focus on spending quality time together, women need to feel the love and connection you describe first and then that may lead to sex. If you're feeling resentful towards her you're probably not giving her what she needs either.

Hormones also play a huge part for women. The contraceptive pill can lower libido etc... so there's a multitude of things that could be going on for her.

However do I agree these are the building blocks of intimacy, absolutely not.

You genuinely believe the ability to give intimacy can be separated from day to day life? Especially when it’s proven women take on a huge amount of the mental in a family unit and feel resentful of that fact?

As for other person saying it’s coerced sex … really needs to consider the accountability of the OPs wife here, all of us can say no. Doing it just as another chore is a conscious choice.

Sorry but this again is single minded bs. Women ‘give in’ to having sex for many different reasons. It can still be coerced. Take it from someone who gave into their (ex) partner because otherwise he was willing to walk around obviously aroused with other people in the house and I felt utterly humiliated/backed into a corner. And no, it wasn’t ’my problem’ but when you’re young and have had it put in your head that dealing with men and their ‘needs’ is your job regardless of how you feel about it.

This is definitely a woman, folks! Nothing to see here!

Hi Op
This is the most salient point in your post
’In the past she mentioned with previous exes she stopped fancying them and used to make up excuses not to have sex and would only have it minimal times a year.’
I’ve known both men and women who feel like this, probably more men than women, but it happens and I suspect its behind a lot of the posts by women about their sexless marriages.
having kids won’t have helped as in the past she could have left. Not so easy now.

You can try and talk about it but I doubt you’ll get the truth.
So you’ll probably have to muddle y next few years and make a call then if nothing has changed.

These threads never go well for the poor men who start them.... there are no answers really. Some people have a higher sex drive than others.

Often this doesn't work in sexless relationships, the partner who doesn't want sex feels that all of the effort and quality time and attempts to show love are in an effort to get sex, which feels like more pressure, so they don't feel love and connection, just pressure and stress.

Would you say the same to a woman whose husband didn't want to have sex with her any more? Or is it just men who have to put up with sexless marriages?

I have read/heard that it is a thing that once some women feel done with having children they lose interest in their husband as a romantic/sexual partner. Regardless.of how good a partner he otherwise is. There was a recent thread about this, woman thinking her husband should be content with a sexless marriage.

Poor men. Handicapped with a high sex drive.

I help out around the house as much as I can

So you see the housework as being your wife's responsibility and you're "helping out"

NO NO NO. This is a killer in marriages. You're treating her like she's your mother. And you're "helping out"
Yuk..

Why do men always do this?
What about thinking the house is your responsibility and she's 'helping you out'

No, men never think like that do they?
My DH used to say "I've washed the dishes for you "
I used to reply "so they're not your dishes then? There's only me living here?
He soon got the picture.

I'm telling you, all this stuff is a sex killer.

You're 'helping out'.......
That's good of you innit

Yuk...

Yes!!!!!

I wouldn't say it in the same way as that poster talking about throwing their life and family away.

But my advice to men and women is the same. Most sexless relationships will not be fixed.

The only real option for the vast majority of men and women in sexless relationships is to either accept it or leave.

They can not accept it of course but they're still highly unlikely to ever get any sex, aside from very occasional sex that their partner has to force themselves to go through with which obviously isn't enjoyable for either person, and most of the time that sex ends up stopping too.

They can not accept it and keep having "The Talk" over and over, but it's extremely unlikely to ever lead to having a mutally enjoyable sex life and often just leads to arguments or the partner eventually refusing to engage in "The talk" because they can't keep saying the same thing over and over again.

You just have to have an honest talk with her. Many people get complacent and bored and just cba in long term relationships. You need to say that intimacy is important and what can you do to reconnect. If she isn't interested then suggest an open marriage, that might scare her into making an effort or go your separate ways.

I don't think anyone should have to accept no intimacy at 35 but do talk to her before any inevitable cheating.

Psst....@Ollie90 Please do try the picnic first.

OP, ive been your wife in this situation. The upshot was I just didn’t fancy my DH. The sex was boring. We limped on for years, not having sex, which I was perfectly happy with.

All the counselling in the world wouldn’t have made a difference - I wouldn’t have told him I didn’t fancy him. He tried to talk to me but I wasn’t interested. Bad behaviour on my part. We divorced eventually for other reasons.

it could be hormones, young kids etc. or not.

'Get up at 06:00 on a weekend day when you are together. Make and pack a picnic. Pack the car and put the kids spare clothes, a rug and some toys in the boot. Make her a cup of tea and lay the breakfast table. When you have all eaten, let her shower and get dressed while you wash up and clear the table. Dress the kids. Pack the dinosaur and the dog. Drive to the country or the seaside and spend a day together. Look at nature, stones (no phones), trees, bees, butterflies, grasses, wild flowers and marvel together '

This is a joke yes?!

Op you can't make people find you sexually attractive but if she did once there is hope. Pack the kids off to granny's and get the wine out put something sexy on the telly see if you can both get in the mood. But do talk if all fails before you start sexting a colleague and your dw inevitably ends up on Relationships board clueless as to what's gone wrong.

I went off my husband completely in peri menopause
Even him breathing pissed me off.

Took quite a few years to settle down. You really need to sit down and talk. My DH was very understanding thankfully.

Just off to find another thread.

She said she's been like this with previous partners. I think she just has a very weak libido.
OP if she does then there isn't whole lot you can do. It may mean the relationship has come to an end

Sounds like she didn't want to have sex with anyone before either. I think it may be a 'her' issue