To judge my friend harshly for this?

[Chatteringmagpie7]

i recently found put that one of my friendship group is leaving her husband. We’re not massively close, but in same social circle. I’ve always liked her and we get on well.

a close mutual friend has just given me the full story- she has been having an affair with a married colleague and is now pregnant
with his kid.

her DH is devastated. It has only just come out.

I don’t want to be judgemental, but I can’t get my head round someone doing this. we are late 30’s, so not young. I can’t understand how she could let this happen.

as far as I know, AP has children.

Ive seen various affairs unfold over the years and to be fair, I tend to think that people in happy marriages don’t have affairs. I get that it’s hurtful, but I do think that most people are capable of having an affair given the right set of circumstances.

that said, I’m appalled at the way it has happened. If she wanted a future with this other man, why not just wait until they’re both free before having a baby?

im not convinced there are very many true ‘accidents’ these days. The morning after pill is widely available. It’s not the first time I’ve known of an affair come to light because of a pregnancy but why are people so stupid?

It’s none of your business. You don’t know all of the circumstances and unless you’re in a marriage you never really know what it’s like.

I think you have to walk a mile in their shoes first before you can make judgements on others

Bit confused here. You don’t believe in “accidents” because the morning after pill is widely available so why does it matter to you the why and how?

Accidents do happen. Birth control fails all the time. I know plenty of women who were on birth control and ended up changing them because they fell pregnant on it despite following instructions to the letter. Some women get pregnant with IUDs in. Even women who had tubal ligations have become pregnant.

At the end of the day, It isn’t any of your business whatever your beliefs are of how pregnancy happens.

@user675654 @MikeRafone you’re right it’s none of my business, but that’s kind of the point of my question.

It does affect how I view her. I thought she had more sense to be honest.

and I think it’s disingenuous to pretend that everyone just remains unfazed by this behaviour and sits like Buddha thinking ‘I haven’t walked a mile in her shoes’. We actually have very similar lives. I can’t believe that an intelligent woman in her late 30’s who has been married a few years had an accident with contraception.

I couldn't be friends with someone like that. She lied and cheated. I couldn't trust a friend who was happy to do that

YANBU op, I do think there are accidental pregnancies but I really don't have time or any sympathy for people that go ahead with affairs.

It's really really easy to not have one but I find it's so common people are rather blasè about it.

It's one thing I'm really black and white about, I couldn't maintain a friendship with someone like that.

People do bad things sometimes. If they're our friends we have to decide if we think the bad thing is so awful we don't want to be friends with them, or if we can put it in a box and concentrate on their good points. The important thing being to decide which, and stick with it. Dont carry on being the friend of a woman you can't get past judging and speculating about.

Sorry - I’ve yet to meet anyone who had an accidental pregnancy who diligently used contraception.

it’s nearly always been not using condoms some days of month/ not taking pill regularly etc etc.

conversely, I’ve seen quite a few people in affairs having ‘accidents’ - I wonder if they somehow subconsciously want to be caught.

but of course this is AIBU and everyone will now be falling over themselves to say how unjudgmental they are in these situations.

to be clear, I’m still her friend. But I can’t believe everyone just sails around thinking ‘none of my business’ when something like this happens in a friendship group- especially when it devastates someone we all know and like ( her DH)

I think generally, judgemental people are lucky to live happy, unproblematic lives and believe everyone is that fortunate. Or sometimes they're massive hypocrites. It's up to you how you feel about people, friends are there to support one another, not judge so better to let her know how you really feel so you can both be free of your 'friendship'.

I have a problem with this as well. It's so disrespectful to cheat. If you have a problem in your relationship and especially if children are involved Id say 1. Marriage counseling and 2. Divorce if nothing gives.
And if you fall in love with someone else atleast have the decency to divorce before acting upon your impulses...

I would see her different.

My thoughts are if she could lie and deceive her husband to this degree, she could definitely do it to a friend. So she wouldn’t be someone I wanted to be friends with anymore.

I also couldn’t do the whole meeting the new man pretending everything is wonderful.

Hahahahaha I had an accident. I wasn’t having periods, and we used a condom. But you never met me so I guess Im a 👻

Oh and YABU. No one in life is truly good or truly bad, there are shades.

Personally I wouldn't be able to be close friends with someone who did this, I'd have to distance myself. I don't want to be friends with anyone who's comfortable lying like that.

I don’t like people who have affairs. I can’t help but see them as devious liars and also quite grubby afterwards. I can’t see them in the same light so keep my distance. So I know where you are coming from OP.
If people want to end their relationships, they should do that. Not have their cake and eat it and cheat.

I wouldn’t focus to much on the accident theory but how about that she fall in love? However happy marriage looks from the outside the reality might be very different. Yes, of course it’s more honest to walk away from unhappy marriage and then look for a new partner but sometimes people don’t realise how unhappy they are until meeting someone’s else.
I won’t judge you for feeling differently towards her, I’m very much against affairs but my point is that you never know the true picture.

I would judge, but I have been cheated on (not married, but living together), and it fucking *destroyed me (spent some time on a psychiatric ward).

I’m not saying people are truly good or bad. You obviously haven’t read my post, so will repeat some of it here.

i even said I can see how affairs happen and that I think everyone is capable of one. But there’s a way of ending your marriage that doesn’t involve getting pregnant by another man. It’s so messy- and very poor judgement.

Agree with this.

I wouldn’t be happy if my friend cheated but I wouldn’t stop being friends with them depending on them as a person and the circumstances. If they are otherwise a good friend, and this is the biggest mistake they have made, then I wouldn’t be ending a friendship over it.

I don’t know what goes on in other people’s relationships, few do and I don’t ask unless people provide information. They could look great, perfect on the outside and be a completely different thing behind closed doors.

From what I’ve seen, whomever gets their side out first is often believed without question especially when families get involved, but ask the other side and you’ll hear a completely different take. We’ve seen it on AIBU plenty of times.

I suggest you look up birth control methods and post here the one that is 100% effective as a public service.

Presumably neither of them were happy and have found happiness in each other. If she hasn't had a child before maybe she was delighted to be pregnant even if it was an accident.

I fell pregnant with my first whilst being absolutely diligent on the pill. There was no need for a morning after pill as I was on the pill and took it properly. Yes it was rather a surprise to find I was pregnant but it wasn't unwanted once I did, just not planned.

Like her still or don't like her. At least she will find out who are her friends.

It is amazing how, here on MN women cheating should never be judged but a man cheating is a bastard that should be hung, drawn and quartered.
This woman is a liar and a cheat therefore her morals are in the gutter.

It's scummy behaviour. In a situation like this, if you're not happy, then leave. When you're single again, do what you like. Some people just have no morals. Poor kid being born to 2 scummy parents.

Well you probably won't be her friend anymore when this gets republished by the Daily Mail and she realises you've been posting about her online inviting others to judge her.

Another might say your DC are poor kids for having an unapproachable mother with judgmental, rigid standards. Or maybe they judge you for being married to someone they consider scummy. Others might judge you for getting divorced..

I would judge her. I don't like liars and cheats.