To judge my friend harshly for this?

[Chatteringmagpie7]

i recently found put that one of my friendship group is leaving her husband. We’re not massively close, but in same social circle. I’ve always liked her and we get on well.

a close mutual friend has just given me the full story- she has been having an affair with a married colleague and is now pregnant
with his kid.

her DH is devastated. It has only just come out.

I don’t want to be judgemental, but I can’t get my head round someone doing this. we are late 30’s, so not young. I can’t understand how she could let this happen.

as far as I know, AP has children.

Ive seen various affairs unfold over the years and to be fair, I tend to think that people in happy marriages don’t have affairs. I get that it’s hurtful, but I do think that most people are capable of having an affair given the right set of circumstances.

that said, I’m appalled at the way it has happened. If she wanted a future with this other man, why not just wait until they’re both free before having a baby?

im not convinced there are very many true ‘accidents’ these days. The morning after pill is widely available. It’s not the first time I’ve known of an affair come to light because of a pregnancy but why are people so stupid?

Inviting strangers to judge your friend, that you previously liked until you find out one particular detail about them, of which you do not know the details/judging a stranger for a situation you know nothing about is a huge character flaw in my opinion. Everyone makes judgements but when we voice them, we are usually not doing it for any other reason than to share that we are a 'better' than the person we judge and inviting others to validate us. It is not a pleasant thing to do.

If I had a male friend who cheated in the same way I would make the same call as to whether I liked him or not to decide whether I wanted to stay friends. So no I wouldn't decide just based on their sex I would decide based on the friendship I had. But that's me and everyone else can do them.

we all judge ( favourably or otherwise) people on what they wear, their job, opinions, what they wear etc etc. but we’re not allowed to have an opinion when something like this happens

Of course. There is a thread on here with a woman who fancies her BIL and everyone is telling her she's piece of shit for thinking about cheating - I think that counts as pretty "judgy" personally 😂

I find it hard to believe that if you were so virtuous in real life , you would even have heard of AIBU, never mind post on it.

I think you're confusing AIBU with Tattle.

But this is exactly my point. Asks AIBU, doesn't like views that don't validate you.

Don’t be friends with them anymore

but that’s so ridiculously black and white and fits only a certain scenario.

what if someone isn’t unhappy or doesn’t realise they are unhappy until they meet someone else?

lol. If you're happy and in love, no one gets close in that way. People know if they're happy or not. To pretend they don't us just something scummy people say to excuse their actions.

what if they want to improve things but can’t seem to?

I literally said if you can't improve things.

I mean. It's up to you how you want to judge your friend but just know that situations like this are not black and white. You don't know what goes on in her marriage and what caused her to cheat.

Many people have affairs for a whole number of reasons. Myself included. I'll get a slaying for this but I've had an affair (kind of, I am not married but in a LTR) at the time I was very unhappy and there is no intimacy in my relationship, no mental or emotional support, treated like a maid or even room mate. The opportunity presented itself and I didn't say no. Doesn't mean I'm a bad person. Although, I did realize what I had done and the potential consequences so I put a stop to it and now I live with the guilt but that's on me and not for anyone else to judge on. People may not agree with it but it's not their life and it makes no difference to them.

Also, yes it's up to you how you feel about it but if you were actually a friend that cared about her you would want to know what led her to that decision in having an affair. Sometimes affairs are justified dependant on circumstances.

It would obviously make you think about this friend differently.
We do not know what her DH was like, but she cheated on him. She must have been covering up, lying, etc. So, what else could she be lying about, or being deceitful about?
Depending on how good a friend she is, I would probably continue with the friendship but I'd be wary. She has dumped her DH, she might 'dump' you, etc.
In other words, knowing this about someone, would certainly make me re evaluate my friendship.

Hold on- people are judging you for judging her?

Doesnt that make THEM equally as “judgemental” then?! 🤣

I can’t believe that an intelligent woman in her late 30’s who has been married a few years had an accident with contraception.

Interesting. You do realise that intelligence has little to do with it and no birth control is 100% effective if used correctly? I’d recommend reading the packaging of whatever you’re using.

Also. I’ve found that in that generation in the UK apparently not everyone consistently uses birth control/ discusses it properly beforehand. It’s not really tied to ‘intelligence’ as the main case I’m going off here was a medical doctor 🤦‍♀️ but apparently other male friends also don’t prioritise it.

It’s besides the point as your argument seems to be more around moral judgement/ continuing the friendship, but it’s medically possible for anyone to get accidentally pregnant, including you. You could be that 5%.

When I was 34, I had 2 types of contraception fail - one of them was the morning after pill - and I ended up pregnant. I dislike children intensely so I was horrified, as I had always used contraception diligently since I started having sex when I was 17. I had a termination at the earliest possible moment. I was also very happily married at the time...so yes, accidental pregnancy does happen. I also didn't broadcast to all our friends at the time, so it probably happens far more often than you would think.

Perhaps it's wanting another baby that has swung it. She might have waited until she knew that the pregnancy was somewhat viable. At the moment you don't kif they were seperated, but sharing a house. I'd hear her out. I'd say the same if they were male. Sometimes the marriage is over well before a split and I could see how an affair would happen.

You don't know what goes on in her marriage and what caused her to cheat.

Nothing can cause someone to cheat other than they choose to.

Some people are falling over themselves to be non-judgemental of two married people who had an affair. What about sisterhoid? She had an affair with a married father, resulting in his wife getting a massive shock, him moving out, and his kids feeling that they've been replaced with a new baby, who he lives with full time.

I think they're both shits- yes relationships breakdown, but these two were broken, and the kids are the ones who will suffer.

I'm so sorry, people have absolutely no idea how horrendous these betrayals are.
My mother was sectioned for 9 months after having a breakdown finding out her husband had been having an affair for 14 years!
I don't know how people can treat someone like that.

That's your opinion but have you been in such a situation? A miserable relationship?

This is getting a bit ridiculous….but it’s not a case of not listening to the views of others. I’m interested to see the range of views and fine if people disagree-
as I’ve pointed out I’m pretty conflicted about my feelings. I feel bad for judging- but can’t help it. I think it’s a pretty human ( and honest) response.

but to slag people off for judging on the most judgemental thread on MN, where you are actually making a rather harsh judgement on a person who is asking what you’d make of a certain scenario is mind boggling!

If you are miserable you leave.

It's so easy for people to say "just leave"
Sometimes it's not that simple.

I'd be judging too. I'm always skeptical when people say they accidentally got pregnant. There's no accident about it, we all know how it happens and how to prevent it.

How often does a genuine accidental pregnancy occur?

As for the affair, again no excuse. End the marriage if you think there is better out there and go and find it rather than exploring the option behind your Husband or wife's back

It actually is simple, you leave and start a new relationship or you stay and figure out your exit whilst NOT fucking other people.

It's really really that simple.

ah so cheating make the break up more simple does it?

Do people's fannies work differently to mine?
Do others have some sort of mind control affect over their brains that make them jump on a different cock to activate the decision to finish the first relationship?

If so I'm so bloody sorry, you obviously got stiffed with that function at birth.

I am the result of a contraception failure. Condoms and "menopause". Totally not wanted or planned by either parent, realised fairly late on, it was a terrible horrible shock but I was later welcomed. Accidents do genuinely happen.

At the moment everything is hearsay. My Dad had an affair but some idiot got the wrong end of the stick and told my Mum's work colleagues that SHE had the affair and she was ostracised for almost two years until someone kindly let her know about the false rumours and she was able to set the story straight. I was pointed out in a club once as "that bitch that stole Jake from Kelly", when actually it was the person stood next to me who was in a new relationship with Jake (no crossover either)...I was labelled as a "man-stealing whore" for about two months and my name was mud whilst I'd done absolutely nothing wrong. Eventually that same person and I were at a wedding, she came over to hit me (!) but called me "Rachel" and everyone said "that's Perky not Rachel!" and she realised her mistake after a lot of convincing that I was definitely not Rachel, then apologised profusely. Trouble is, almost 20 years later, the damage is still done as it still comes up from time to time and many people remember me as someone who broke up an engagement and who is not to be trusted. I was a virgin who had never had a boyfriend at the time!

I'd ask her outright to make sure that it's not malicious gossip but also to let her know why the friendship has cooled if she has done what she is rumoured to have done. "Friend - I am sorry to broach this but I was told that the reason for your divorce is because you have had an affair and you are pregnant with that man's child. Did they get that right?"

And then just listen to what she says. Hear her out. You can thank her for her honesty if it turns out to be true. If you feel brave enough, you could calmly explain that you wish her well but you'd find it hard to continue the friendship in the circumstances. Otherwise, just slow fade.