To judge my friend harshly for this?

[Chatteringmagpie7]

i recently found put that one of my friendship group is leaving her husband. We’re not massively close, but in same social circle. I’ve always liked her and we get on well.

a close mutual friend has just given me the full story- she has been having an affair with a married colleague and is now pregnant
with his kid.

her DH is devastated. It has only just come out.

I don’t want to be judgemental, but I can’t get my head round someone doing this. we are late 30’s, so not young. I can’t understand how she could let this happen.

as far as I know, AP has children.

Ive seen various affairs unfold over the years and to be fair, I tend to think that people in happy marriages don’t have affairs. I get that it’s hurtful, but I do think that most people are capable of having an affair given the right set of circumstances.

that said, I’m appalled at the way it has happened. If she wanted a future with this other man, why not just wait until they’re both free before having a baby?

im not convinced there are very many true ‘accidents’ these days. The morning after pill is widely available. It’s not the first time I’ve known of an affair come to light because of a pregnancy but why are people so stupid?

Nope. I have been offered the opportunity to cheat many times. I never did it. Lots of people never have and never would. It's a matter of character and values. You either have them and stick to them or you don't really have them, but just tell yourself you do.

No I did not.

That's awful. Your poor partner is being made to live a lie. He doesn't know the truth about the relationship he is in. That's a dreadful thing to do to him, not giving him the chance to choose after what you've done.

Nope. I have been offered the opportunity to cheat many times. I never did it. Lots of people never have and never would. It's a matter of character and values. You either have them and stick to them or you don't really have them, but just tell yourself you do.

I agree.

You enjoyed the sex? If so, you enjoyed betraying your partner. I would not be able to enjoy sex knowing what I was doing to my partner was horrible. If you felt as guilty as you said, it wouldn't be difficult to stop. I think you're confusing guilt with shame. Shame is about how we see ourselves. Guilt is about how we affect others. Genuine guilt kills desire. Shame can actually increase it, because when you feel bad about yourself you want validation. It's a vicious circle.

If you stopped and haven't done it since then you are a cut above serial cheaters.

This will be a rant and may not even make sense but just want to ask how does everyone cope??

I feel like I have a lot going on & am struggling but is it just me??

Full time work, juggling with 2 DC (1 school age, 1 nursery) living with parents - tried the right to buy scheme, wasn't able to & have now been priced out of where we were renting before.

My problems are living at home is stressing me out, not enough space, no privacy. Come back from work & straight back into looking after the kids, but have to leave everywhere tidy (fine, not my house, not my rules, but sometimes I just want to sit!) Never in the house by myself. Struggling with no time to my self / as a family.

So, we could leave & rent again. Private renting has doubled in the 2 years I've been living here. Do I do it anyway and have no money (don't have much now despite working full time & partner part time). Been looking at shared ownership. Is that a good idea or bad idea??

Feel like I'm not on top of things at work, or at home or with the kids.

Is it just me? Does anyone else feel like they don't have any time to just stop and breathe?? I don't know what to do to make the situation better, I can't see the wood for the trees.

Sorry that is rambly, just trying to get my thoughts out & hopefully someone has some advice?

Him being a good Dad isn't dependant on being with you, surely he would still be that good Dad if you split?

Would you not prefer to work on the sex side of your relationship rather than seeking it elsewhere and risk picking up stds or getting physically hurt by someone else?

109%. I call it theft of life. The betrayed person is wasting his/her life thinking the marriage they have is something it's not, when they would otherwise be off living the authentic life they want. It gives me the creeps that anybody can do that to somebody they claim to care about.

I did put a stop to it and haven't done.ir again and I don't think that I would. People can judge all they like and I deserve my arse handing to me but I only commented to say from experience it's not as valid and white all the time as people think. I haven't told my partner. I know he would never forgive me, it would tear our family apart and yes I should have thought of that at the time but I was wearing rose tinted glasses and whilst I knew it was wrong I was like a completely different person. I got suckered in and for a short time I genuinely tried to justify what I was doing until I just couldn't keep doing it. Partly through fear of being found out but also the shame. Yes I'm very very ashamed.

YANBU I'd absolutely harshly judge a friend for doing this. I'd question their entire moral character, and I'd be disgusted in their recklessness. Breaking up two marriages, and thrusting a half sibling on multiple children who were totally unaware that this relationship even existed. Those poor children.

That's what they've done to the people they were supposed to love more than anything else in the world.

You need to start your own thread and maybe ask for this post to be deleted from this thread to ensure you get helpful answers and people can see it on the boards.

I spent a long time trying to work on our physical relationship.. my partner just wasn't interested at all. I would constant get knocked back. He would push me off if I initiated but would happily demand oral. He told me I had gained a lot of weight and therefore it was too much hard work to have sex with me. (I had gained pregnancy weight, but I was not a skinny mini when we met). I guess I just became sick of trying, although I loved him very much and he has excellent qualities. So when this male friend showed me some attention and it turned flirty, over time he made a pass at me which I originally rejected and then the second time.he made an event stronger pass at me and it led to a couple other occasions before I felt to ashamed and guilty to carry on. I ended it. And me and my partner are still not very often intimate. But I've realized it's a choice I have to make. He has these qualities and I adore him and I can't imagine my life without him. So now I just accept that while we do not have the intimacy I would like that otherwise we have a good life.

I sympathize. Maybe you could stay with your parents only long enough to save up for a place? You'd at least know the end is in sight. You'll have to scrimp even more, but it will be worth it.
You're stressed out. I remember it well from when my kids were young. It does get better, but there are always going to be times in life that are like that.
Could you possibly rent a larger place and take in a boarder to help with the rent?

Well I will answer your question OP, I think YANBU to see her differently now. It’s complicated because you’re her friend, but ultimately she has betrayed her husband’s trust. I wouldn’t think less of a friend for leaving an unhappy marriage, but I would judge them for an affair. I don’t really think the pregnancy is that relevant, it’s the affair that I think is poor.

Sex and intimacy is obviously very important to you, absolutely nothing wrong with that, it's an important part of marriage/relationships.

But the following stood out to me:

He demands oral sex but pushes you away when you initiate it, complains you've put too much weight on and therefore sex with you is too hard.

What exactly are his good qualities? And what is stopping you leaving then finding someone else who offers the good qualities your current husband does AND the sex that you want?

Sex with you clearly isn't too hard as your male friend managed it without being repulsed.

Agree. Why stay with a man who pushes you away but then demands a blowjob, plus puts you down for your weight. He sounds like an entitled, nasty prick.

It's more of a physical connection is very important to me. It's a show of attraction affection and chemistry so yes without that I fell into a hole of why am I here etc.

I wish I could tell you why I don't leave but I'm not sure. He is a fantastic father and he is kind and caring, very funny and charming at times and he does take.goos care of us, he provides financially and we have a comfortable life as a family unit.

I do not know why I have never chosen to leave, I have thought about it but the thought of us not being together just fills me with dread and breaks my heart. It's very hard to explain.

This is it, AP had nothing bad to say and infact worshipped my body and told me how he likes it but I guess that alot of men are dogs and will probably say anything to get a leg over.

So it is ok if your DH or partner waits until he has had sex with the OW? You would be happy with that would you ?

Yep- same here. I have had plenty of opportunities to cheat- but have never done it. Why on earth would you assume that those of us who haven't cheated have never been tempted or had the opportunity to do so lol

So now I just accept that while we do not have the intimacy I would like that otherwise we have a good life.

But you're living a lie and making your partner live a lie to. Life is short and to make your partner spend his living a lie is a really disgusting thing to do to someone, especially someone you claim to care about. I'd be so fucking angry if someone wasted my life for me. Feeling ashamed isn't good enough, he deserves to know the truth and to be able to make a choice about his life going forward when presented with all the facts. You are a very selfish person,

I don't know. I won't ever understand why you had the affair but that's what makes us different and I don't need to understand why tbh.

But I'm not sure i like the way you don't appear to think much of yourself and that the person you had the affair was only saying things to get his leg over. Maybe he was who knows, but what I'm getting from this is a lack of self confidence partly fuelled by your partners rejection of you.

You are worth more than that.

I have twice. Didn't cheat either time and was a good partner. Both said so.
It turned out the reason the second one (my ex husband) was treating me so coldly was that he had been cheating for years.
It devastated me and took years to recover from, caused stress related illness, the whole works. So "unhappiness" excuses don't wash with me.

They tell themselves everybody either cheats or would cheat given the opportunity. It's just a rationalization they employ so they won't feel like freaks. Their behavior is unethical and cruel and they know it.

I do feel lt I have very low confidence in myself and I maybe do view myself as quite repulsive. AP did not want to end our affair and he would often say he saw a future for us but I still in my mind feel this was just to get me to continue the affair.

I can answer that, but first let's stop using minimizing language. It doesn't "get" physical. You choose to make it physical. You make it happen.

Don't leave just for fancying somebody. Everybody has attractions. They don't have to be acted on. But if you find yourself fancying somebody and seriously considering cheating with that person, then yes, that's when you leave. Your relationship is over if you think you are entitled to do that.

Find yourself in what situation? A miserable marriage? Lot where you start to develop feelings for someone when you are in a miserable marriage or when they are married?

Turns out I do know what I would do. It’s not about knowing what happens in their marriage, behind closed doors. Not sure anyone here suggested they knew about the ins and outs of the marriage.

The remark was ‘leaving isn’t so simple’, cheating doesn’t make leaving easier. It makes it the split harder. It makes it more painful.

and it does impact people outside the marriage. No point pretending it doesn’t. As I said before, if I discovered my best friend could consistently lie and deceive their husband, I would assume they could do that to me. I would not presume my relationship with the friend was more sacred or special than her marriage. And that’s not what I look for in a friend. I would want to have to meet and socialise with the OM and pretend everything is amazing. So yes, my friend cheating would have an impact on me. Not as much as her husband or the OM wife. But still an impact.

Friendships are based on judgement. You judge a persons personality and their choices and create a relationship based on the things you have seen. It’s not just ‘one choice’. But there’s plenty of singular choices people can make that might make other people not want to be their friends with them anymore. That doesn’t mean she needs to explain herself to her friends. But they are allowed their own feelings and if that ends some friendships, that’s what’s happens.