To judge my friend harshly for this?

[Chatteringmagpie7]

i recently found put that one of my friendship group is leaving her husband. We’re not massively close, but in same social circle. I’ve always liked her and we get on well.

a close mutual friend has just given me the full story- she has been having an affair with a married colleague and is now pregnant
with his kid.

her DH is devastated. It has only just come out.

I don’t want to be judgemental, but I can’t get my head round someone doing this. we are late 30’s, so not young. I can’t understand how she could let this happen.

as far as I know, AP has children.

Ive seen various affairs unfold over the years and to be fair, I tend to think that people in happy marriages don’t have affairs. I get that it’s hurtful, but I do think that most people are capable of having an affair given the right set of circumstances.

that said, I’m appalled at the way it has happened. If she wanted a future with this other man, why not just wait until they’re both free before having a baby?

im not convinced there are very many true ‘accidents’ these days. The morning after pill is widely available. It’s not the first time I’ve known of an affair come to light because of a pregnancy but why are people so stupid?

I never said that.
All I was saying was you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I never thought I would cheat, I've always been faithful and despised people who cheat until I find myself in such a situation. How can you judge someone on one choice they make for reasons you know nothing about. If you think that every single marriage or partnership is sunshine and rainbows and people don't stray them you are living on a different planet. The Ops friend doesn't need to explain herself to anyone other than people directly affected by the affair. A bunch of randos on MN making out she's the scum of the earth on very limited info is just absolutely ridiculous.

That's your opinion but have you been in such a situation? A miserable relationship?

Yes. I left. Then when I was ready, I started dating again.

Why was it easier to cheat than end your marriage?

You started a thread inviting strangers to slag off your friend for not holding your morals or being as intelligent as you. You can't expect people not to point out the hypocrisy. I'm not claiming to be a wonderful person but that's my point. We all have flaws, life is not as black and white as some on here believe.

Maybe I did not want to leave my partner? He has good qualities and is a great dad to our child. I cheated for the sexual satisfaction only.

Maybe I did not want to leave my partner? He has good qualities and is a great dad to our child. I cheated for the sexual satisfaction only.

How selfish. You wanted the best of both worlds without any inconvenience to you, yet made your partner live a lie without the full facts of the relationship he was in. He could still be a good dad if you split.

My SIL came into our family in this exact way. She was married but had an affair with my BIL and became pregnant. He had children but was going through a messy divorce from his wife, I’m pretty sure the affair started way before the split and was the cause of it but they both deny it.

I knew her prior to all this and she’s never been anything other than pleasant to me but I will never have more than a superficial relationship with her as the whole thing just makes me not trust her. The situation has no bearing on me but I do judge her and my BIL and it’s always in the back of my mind.

Please do judge her as the nasty little homewrecker she is. This is appallingly unprincipled behaviour.
You're right to suspect she got pregnant on purpose, to get him to leave his wife.
IMO, this kind of behaviour is nothing short of sociopathic. People like her are called mate poachers, and there are proven links between mate poaching and sociopathy.
Get rid of this horrible person.
It's certainly not wrong to judge people for hurting others and behaving without honesty and integrity. In fact, you'd be foolish not to.

I think the pregnant thing is separate morally to the cheating. Maybe she wanted another child before it was too late. Maybe he did. This could be a loved and wanted accident.

The cheating is shit though. You want to be with someone else then you finish with the one you are with, Preferably before it starts.

Oh, bullshit. She knows this woman cheated and lied and broke up two families.
There is nothing which justifies such vile conduct.

So she has to cheat and lie to judge cheaters and liars? Make it make sense.

Plus, if she could fuck a married man, she could fuck OP's husband or the husband of another person in the friend group. No way would I trust anyone with such little (if any) concern for the feelings of others.

I wouldn't be able to see her the same either OP, I would definitely step back a bit from the friendship. Having an affair is just a really shitty thing to do.

How does she know the baby is her AP's and not her husbands?

You're quite wrong. Lots of people are not capable of deception and betrayal.
That's about basic human decency.

Sorry - I’ve yet to meet anyone who had an accidental pregnancy who diligently used contraception.

Hi, nice to meet you. I did, and I never missed a single dose of my pill, ever. I have a 27 year old walking around who is living proof that birth control fails.

Get a vibrator FFS. If it's really about sexual satisfaction that's what people do.You did it for the ego boost and because you enjoy putting one over on your partner.
Stop lying to yourself.

I used to be in a close circle of friends via school and two of them got involved with an affair. It was absolutely horrific when they got caught out, and I honestly lost a lot of respect for both of them. There is no reason to cheat - if you're unhappy, get the hell out.

I'd struggle not to think differently of her, OP.

The contraception issue wouldn't be a problem for me but the cheating would.

I cannot stand cheats.

If you're not happy, leave.

There's just no need.

Not true. I did not enjoy it to put one over on my partner..we are still together. I carry the guilt and shame every second of the day and ultimately I know it was selfish and I deeply regret it but at the time I was so desperate for some basic intimacy, human touch etc that my judgement was clouded and once it started it became difficult to stop.

Not true. I did not enjoy it to put one over on my partner..we are still together. I carry the guilt and shame every second of the day and ultimately I know it was selfish and I deeply regret it but at the time I was so desperate for some basic intimacy, human touch etc that my judgement was clouded and once it started it became difficult to stop.

Did you tell your partner about your affair in the end?

This.
it is ok to judge. She doesn’t need jail or a scarlet A, but the behavior is hideous and hurtful. I would. Or think highly of her and I would not choose her as a friend.

Typically dishonest minimizing language, right out of the cheater handbook. You didn't just find yourself in a situation. You did the actions to create the situation.

Nothing going on in a marriage justifies lying and betraying your partner and risking exposing him/her to STDs except abuse. Cheating is emotional abuse, so I'd consider it acceptable to respond to abuse with abuse.
People are allowed to judge others for dishonest and selfish behaviour. It's how we protect ourselves from being conned and taken advantage of. To not judge is to be a gullible fool.

im not convinced there are very many true ‘accidents’ these days. The morning after pill is widely available.

The morning after pill prevents ovulation. If you've already ovulated, MAP won't help in preventing a pregnancy. Just in case anyone is reading this thinking morning after pill is some kind of infallible silver bullet against pregnancy.

I’m someone who reconciled with my partner after they had an affair, although the affair was long over by the time I discovered it

im glad his friends and family didn’t judge him too harshly. He needed their support. His acquaintances (people he did hobbies with) didn’t really say a lot but I wouldn’t expect them to. Or if they did and he didn’t tell me, it didn’t affect his ability to do those hobbies

before I found out I had been betrayed, I knew people who had affairs of varying types. I didn’t judge them harshly either. I think I’m always known deep down that people are really flawed and very few people would engage in betrayal for the absolute wanton thrill of it.
Now I think i would judge them a bit more but it would really depend on my relationship with them and what I knew about their situation and their personality. Things are not always black or white

No I did not.