To judge my friend harshly for this?

[Chatteringmagpie7]

i recently found put that one of my friendship group is leaving her husband. We’re not massively close, but in same social circle. I’ve always liked her and we get on well.

a close mutual friend has just given me the full story- she has been having an affair with a married colleague and is now pregnant
with his kid.

her DH is devastated. It has only just come out.

I don’t want to be judgemental, but I can’t get my head round someone doing this. we are late 30’s, so not young. I can’t understand how she could let this happen.

as far as I know, AP has children.

Ive seen various affairs unfold over the years and to be fair, I tend to think that people in happy marriages don’t have affairs. I get that it’s hurtful, but I do think that most people are capable of having an affair given the right set of circumstances.

that said, I’m appalled at the way it has happened. If she wanted a future with this other man, why not just wait until they’re both free before having a baby?

im not convinced there are very many true ‘accidents’ these days. The morning after pill is widely available. It’s not the first time I’ve known of an affair come to light because of a pregnancy but why are people so stupid?

It's easy to take the moral high ground until you are in a similar situation and don't say it will never happen because you never know

I agree with the above.
However I think this about women and men who cheat.
Which seems to be blasphemy on this forum!

I posted upthread my personal views on it.

If they are overall a good person and this is the worse thing that they’ve ever done, I wouldn’t stop being their friend or be sitting next to them and secretly judging them because they made mistakes that have nothing to do with me in a relationship that isn’t any of my business. My relationship with a couple is them as separate people, not as one. They break up, I remain friends with both unless one decides that they don’t want to be friends with me anymore because I’ve remained friends with their ex, there was abuse involved, or naturally drifting apart.

I’ve had this in friend groups, no pregnancy but cheating and what I’ve learned is to stay out of it, and not say anything unless personally asked by those directly invovled.

When do you leave just out of curiosity? The moment you start fancying someone? The moment it gets physical? If it’s so black and white to you, you surely can easily answer that

Surely you need to have a sexual relationship in order to become pregnant? These things don't just "happen" so I can say that it would never happen to me because even IF I would be attracted/fall in love with someone else I would CHOOSE not to act on it.

Before it gets physical, duh

It's not great, sure.
However you will never know what their relationship was like behind closed doors. Her husband could have been controlling/abusive.
Absolutely not saying this happened or excuses the affair at all but these things are rarely black and white.
Your friend has done wrong, but she is still worthy of love and support in her life.
If you don't want to be mates go ahead but try not to gossip about her or be too judgemental , you never know the full story.

Im a highly intelligent married woman in my 30s and have had contraception failure. Being married and intelligent and older doesn't stop contraception failing

It’s shitty behaviour and would cloud my opinion of her too.

Interesting, so emotional affairs are ok but just no getting physical?

I couldn't be close friends anymore with someone who did this after having something similar happen to me and knowing the horror of it all.

If you're in a group then I would carry on meeting up all together but wouldn't make the effort to meet anymore one to one. The behaviour speaks volumes of what kind of person they are.

Well, she has OP, so...

Sounds like she has a lot going on in her life already, I doubt she gives a shiny shit how you 'view' her to be honest...

When did I say that? Right, I didn't.

It would be the end of the friendship for me. It's important to me that my friends have basic morals.

You’ve achieved a miracle OP, a majority of posters on this thread frothing with indignation to defend someone being unfaithful.

I’m sure they’ll be as angrily defensive of cheating men on other threads as of course you never know what goes on behind closed doors and we must never judge. Fascinating to behold.

When do you leave just out of curiosity? The moment you start fancying someone? The moment it gets physical? If it’s so black and white to you, you surely can easily answer that

Yes, I can. When you're unhappy and can't or don't want to try to improve things with your partner.

This is how I feel too. Of course everyone makes mistakes but this is an ongoing continuous choice she has made to lie and cheat and it speaks to her character.

I'm not sure that I would drop her completely as a friend but my perception of her would definitely change and I'd be more wary of trusting her tbh.

I also find it a bit weird because if she was a man cheating on OP's friend everyone would say he deserved to be strung up

but that’s so ridiculously black and white and fits only a certain scenario.

what if someone isn’t unhappy or doesn’t realise they are unhappy until they meet someone else?

what if they want to improve things but can’t seem to?

and a million things in between.

The morning after pill is for accidents.

The NHS dis a straw poll to discover that 48% of pregnancies weren't planned.

As for judging her, keep it to yourself. Isn't there a bit in the Bible about judge not least ye be judged?

I’m sure my ex bad-mouthed me to his family who lived across the country. I’m sure he told them all the bad things I (allegedly) said and did.
But then I didn’t have to explain to them the new woman and their 2-yr-old before our divorce was final.
lol

haha! exactly what I was thinking.

So next time someone comes on here having found their husband is cheating, he will get the same defence will he? poor bloke just made a mistake- none of us are perfect after all!

😂

I mean - im not sure what you want out of this thread, are you being unreasonable to judge her harshly based on what you perceive you know to have caused her to cheat and have a baby with this man? No - judge all you want, i dont think she probably would care, she sounds like shes got stuff going on. Would i judge my friend? I would probably try to find out what on earth happened to cause this - before judging her. Ive read on here once, opinions are are like arseholes - everyone's got one 😂

It’s fascinating isn’t it?

The thing is, she is my friend. I like her and I still want to be her friend.

but it has unsettled me. That’s actually less about her and more about me, I suppose. But i do wonder what was going on in her head. all these people saying it wouldn’t affect how they viewed someone are stretching credibility.

we all judge ( favourably or otherwise) people on what they wear, their job, opinions, what they wear etc etc. but we’re not allowed to have an opinion when something like this happens.

Sorry - I’ve yet to meet anyone who had an accidental pregnancy who diligently used contraception

Well I got pregnant while I had a coil fitted!!

This is so true. And I'm a prime example. I probably wouldn't judge this woman and think, well you don't know what goes on behind closed doors but if it was a man? Different story. He'd be all the bastards under the sun.

I need to check myself.