To judge my friend harshly for this?

[Chatteringmagpie7]

i recently found put that one of my friendship group is leaving her husband. We’re not massively close, but in same social circle. I’ve always liked her and we get on well.

a close mutual friend has just given me the full story- she has been having an affair with a married colleague and is now pregnant
with his kid.

her DH is devastated. It has only just come out.

I don’t want to be judgemental, but I can’t get my head round someone doing this. we are late 30’s, so not young. I can’t understand how she could let this happen.

as far as I know, AP has children.

Ive seen various affairs unfold over the years and to be fair, I tend to think that people in happy marriages don’t have affairs. I get that it’s hurtful, but I do think that most people are capable of having an affair given the right set of circumstances.

that said, I’m appalled at the way it has happened. If she wanted a future with this other man, why not just wait until they’re both free before having a baby?

im not convinced there are very many true ‘accidents’ these days. The morning after pill is widely available. It’s not the first time I’ve known of an affair come to light because of a pregnancy but why are people so stupid?

I didn’t say it was ok. Humans are more complex than this. I’m not so narrow minded as to think “cheating = bad person, loyal partner = good person”.

I Would also be utterly heartbroken if my husband wanted to leave me as he doesn’t love me. Doesn’t make him an awful human.

I would reply to this properly if it weren’t so condescending.

Him leaving you because he doesn't love you doesn't make him an awful person.

Having an affair because he doesn't love you, would make him an awful person.

It's the lesser of two evils to leave because your unhappy than to have an affair. Affairs cause more hurt and more issues than leaving a marriage.

It's not condescending. You just can't refute it so you're grabbing for an excuse.

It's "narrow-minded" to think dishonest people who betray trust are bad?
Then I guess Bernie Madoff could be a hell of a nice guy after all?

The heartbreak from being cheated on is nowhere near being left for other reasons. The agony is indescribable. So this is not a valid comparison.

Doing something selfish doesn’t automatically make someone an awful person.

It is NONE of YOUR business.
Never mind judging harshly, just keep your nose out and concentrate on your own life.

“Grabbing for an excuse” this isn’t a high school argument. You knew exactly what I meant by “get physical” and decided to nitpick to try and get yourself up a peg or two to begin with.

The heartbreak from being left can full well be just as painful. Betraying someone is awful for the person betrayed, but doesn’t make one a horrible person. It’s more complicated than that. We aren’t robots

Depends on what the selfish act is. Having an affair makes you an awful person. Why would the act of actively seeking out someone else to be intimate with behind your partners back not be awful?

Everyone knows affairs never end well and always end up with one or more people getting hurt. It kills trust in marriage and that will always be in the background if the married couple stay together.

No one is tricked into having an affair, you make the decision to go and cheat on your spouse, knowing the potential consequences and STILL go ahead and do it, then yes, you're a horrible person.

My GP contacted me a few months ago to say that I needed to explore alternative contraception because, apparently, the medication I am on can reduce the effectiveness of the contraceptive pill i was taking. I had been taking both the medication and the pill for years before they realised.

Somebody who makes accusations she can't support thinks I'm argumentative? 🙄
So you know exactly how I think, yeah?
I thought "get physical" meant touching. It meant something else? If so, I don't know what the fuck else you could be talking about. I don't do childish games like playing dumb and nitpicking.
You seem to have a hypersensitive and accusatory nature.

Being left in a respectful way hurts like hell, but is not traumatic. Betrayal trauma, otoh, is real and soul destroying. It can cause PTSD. So nope, not even close.

"We aren't robots" isn't an excuse for cheating either. That's the best you can do? You have to be a "robot" to have basic integrity and decency?

Cheating can indeed mean somebody is a bad person, to greater or lesser degree depending on how they go about it. Serial cheaters, for example, are the scum of the earth. Otoh, somebody who has a drunken one night stand and confesses it immediately could be a good person. Good people confess. They don't make somebody else live a lie. Obviously, you feel differently and it seems to be a self-serving belief.

If you have very similar lives - who is your affair with?
of course you don’t have similar lives, no one does. On the surface it might appear to you that way, but it’s not similar

It means the person is selfish, and being selfish is awful, is it not? Nobody does just one selfish thing and is unselfish the rest of her life. Selfishness is a pattern of behaviour. It's built into one's character.
Don't forget that cheating is also cruel, disrespectful, dishonest and irresponsible.
These are terrible qualities in any person. The sum total of all of these qualities is a bad person, no matter how pleasant the person appears to be on the surface. It's character we're talking about, not personality.

Agree and she got pregnant what a 304

That you've yet to meet and know of. You don't know the ins and outs of ppls lives. A friend of mine became pregnant on the coil. Stop being so utterly ridiculous.

the Responses to the OP are so classic mumsnet - this site is becoming a fucking zoo and so gender biased. The unfortunate part is that no one will post on AIBU because of all the devil advocate, contrarian, cool kids here.

OP my (former) best friend of 20 years cheated for a long period of time and got caught about 2-3 years ago. It was horrific for all involved. No pregnancy thank goodness.
The affair had been going on for more than 5 years. In that time she lied, repeatedly and deliberately, to those of us close to her.

I think until you experience it, it’s very difficult to know how you would actually feel.

initially I was supportive and open to there being a lot more to it than I was aware of, and focusing on the needs of her, her husband and the kids. Once the dust settled her continued refusal to acknowledge the significant impact she had on those around her by her lies meant I could no longer trust her.

This wasn’t the only thing that led to the end of what was, to me, a precious friendship, but the lack of remorse and remediation was the final nail.

It was a very hard realization that what I thought the friendship was wasn’t what she thought it was. One of the ickiest things for me was that her affair partner knew all about us, who we were, who our kids were, the day to day stories of life you share with your partner, but we had no idea who he was.
had I known she was in a relationship with this particular person I may have shared less with her.

I think it’s normal to experience a range of complex emotions. Be kind to yourself, it’s a lot to take in.

Thanks for sharing your story @HazelBiscuit

I can totally understand where you’re coming from and it is reassuring to know others have complex and conflicting emotions when something like this happens in a friendship group.