Would you let an annoying family member live with you for 300k?

[L4815]

A relative of ours has said they will give us 300k if we allow them to move in with us.

It's me, DH and DS.

Pros.

Our 135k mortgage would be paid off plus other outstanding debt. We'd have a nice safety cushion and a better life financially.

Despite being annoying, deep down, we love family member and one of us feels a sense of duty toward them.

Family member would contribute to household chores.

Cons.

Family member is incredibly annoying. They like to be in control of everything. We don't let them but its still irritating.

Family member is a just about functioning alcoholic and would require our assistance with reducing.

Despite having some health issues, they are only in their 50s so potentially could end up living with us for another 20 years.

Family member would nag us about keeping the house clean. Much higher standards than us.

House is only a bog standard terrace so although we have a spare room, we only have one bathroom, one living area, etc.

One of us says absolutely no way, not even for a million. Other one sort of agrees but id also slightly swayed by how beneficial money would be and also feels sorry for family member who lives alone and has no other family or friends.

Almost feels a bit like selling your soul to the devil for money.

Ultimately feels like a choice between freedom or money.

WWYD?

Hypothetical really as one of us has already vetoed.

If they’re 55 could they move into some sort of sheltered accomodation nearby?

Whose relative is it? Who would do the bulk of the care?

I really like my MIL but I know if I agreed to this I’d end up with the bulk of care, so it would be a firm no from me.

If it was my mum and DH agreed, we’d use the money to upsize to a house with an annex or downstairs extension for mum.

Not sure if this counts as deprivation of assets as never had this scenario.

Money is tempting but ultimately it's an alcoholic (functioning alcoholics can easily become non functioning) so you're right to be wary about having relative around child and it's intrusive, in your space for possibly the rest of their life. I would say no but I can see why you're so torn. If they give you £300k then are they effectively going to be skint? Do they then become
Somewhat financially Dependant on you?

Whose paying for the relatives food?

If you need money that badly then get a lodger. You would be stupid to let a controlling alcoholic move into tour home.

They could end up outliving you.

No even with the money you would regret it within days. They should downsize to a flat and live off profit.

This. A year or two? Maybe.

For the rest of their life? No.

Don’t live with an alcoholic it’s horrible - you would inflict this on your son? ??

OP please don’t allow your child to share a home with someone drinking that much per day, I can’t tell you the damage it will do.

If they are drinking three bottles of wine every day and have been for a long time, the dementia will likely be linked to the alcohol consumption. To put it into perspective, the average 75 cl bottle contains around 9 units of alcohol, depending on the volume. So your relative is consuming 27 units a day, 189 a week. The safe levels are between 14 and 21 units per week depending on whether you’re male or female.

My partners’ relative began drinking at a similar level around ten years ago after they were widowed. No-one knew the true extent of it until they had a seizure and were admitted to hospital. At first doctors thought the seizure was connected to dementia because there had been mild cognitive decline for some time which had ramped up in recent weeks. But when they began testing the alcohol related damage became clear. There was cirrhosis, serious varicose veins (varisces) in the throat, ascites (free fluid) causing swelling to the stomach and legs, and pretty much every organ was affected. Every time they were discharged from hospital they began drinking again and it became a cycle of bingeing and hospital admissions until a grand mal seizure and then a stroke put them in a coma. They died within 18 months of the first seizure after putting the family through hell.

When the family were tying up the affairs it came to light that they had taken out equity on their home several years previously but no one could figure out where the money had gone. Until they realised the cost of the alcohol habit. Approximately £60,000 over the period after the equity was taken out.

l’m not telling you this to be a scaremonger, but to make you aware of what you are potentially taking on, whether you decide to have this person live with you, or to move them closer. Dealing with an alcoholic drinking at this level will be a nightmare, and the inevitable effects, both in terms of health and finances, will bleed into your own lives massively if you get too close to it. So the money currently being dangled as a carrot will eventually become the stick they best you with - it won’t give you the freedom you spoke of in your posts, it will just tie you to a set of insurmountable problems for an indefinite and ultimately interminable length of time.

And who pays for the alcohol ? Three bottles of wine a day is a considerable habit.

This screams no to me

Absolutely, so dc your childhood was destroyed by selfish adults, but hey the functioning alcoholic didn't have to work and we got our mortgage paid off!

And double yes to this l’m not telling you this to be a scaremonger, but to make you aware of what you are potentially taking on, whether you decide to have this person live with you, or to move them closer. Dealing with an alcoholic drinking at this level will be a nightmare, and the inevitable effects, both in terms of health and finances, will bleed into your own lives massively if you get too close to it. So the money currently being dangled as a carrot will eventually become the stick they best you with - it won’t give you the freedom you spoke of in your posts, it will just tie you to a set of insurmountable problems for an indefinite and ultimately interminable length of time.
When they have alcohol related falls at home, when they are incontinent all over their home, when they neglect their personal care and home hygiene, they have no food in, who will be contacted at all hours to pick them up, to clean up, to go shopping? You.
So they're only in their 50s, able to recognise they don't want to work, they need help, but have no plans to stop drinking? Selfish x 100000. Don't indulge!

This is a HELL NO @L4815

First of all there's the practical - you live in a terraced house with 1 bathroom and 1 lounge - there's just nowhere to escape to if you need space, and you will need space. If you had a massive house with a separate annex, maybe....... but you don't.

Second - mental health for you and relative.
Don't underestimate the extra mental load of another adult being in your space - even if you liked them and they weren't an alcoholic, this is a huge ask.
She's an alcoholic, so that's just not sensible to bring all that entails within your home.

Yep, all of this. I posted from personal experience. DP and his family were put through hell once this relatives’ alcoholism was discovered.

And home care on discharge from hospital was a nightmare. We were of the opinion that a care home was the best option but relative wouldn’t hear of it (no opportunity to indulge alcohol habit). Carers supposed to come in four times a day for a total of one hour a day. In reality it was no more than twenty minutes because they had one eye on their next call, frequently turning up at midday for the breakfast call, missing the early evening or bedtime call and putting them to bed at 5pm instead of 9pm (cue raging phone call to DP demanding to know why they were being treated like a child). Social services’ attitude was that as there was family, we could sort it out between ourselves, despite paying for a level of service they clearly weren’t meeting.

Add to that the frequent visits to help after falls, or after incoherent phone calls to find they were drunk and had either wet/soiled themselves or vomited everywhere, not to mention the spectacular displays of rage when we attempted to stop the online ‘grocery shopping’ which inevitably consisted mainly of alcohol.

It sounds really callous, but if l were OP l wouldn’t touch this with a barge pole. Even downsizing and moving them closer is a risk because eventually care will be needed and social services will press for as much family involvement as they can and OP will be in the firing line. The relative is a functioning alcoholic who is obviously preparing for the time when they will not be, and has no intention of addressing the alcohol problem other than choosing who they will essentially bribe to be responsible for it. I’d run.

Honestly forget the money. It comes with responsibility for the next 30-40 years! It's nit going to be nice for you all. Put that person into a carefully vetted home, and visit once a week.

If only it were that simple. You can’t just put someone in a home if they have capacity and don’t want to go. £300,000 will go a lot further living with relatives than it will in a care home, and will still allow unfettered access to alcohol - which will be the priority for the relative. I would refuse to get involved at all. They’re a functioning alcoholic preparing for the future as a not so functioning alcoholic by trying to push the responsibility for them onto someone else.

@Rosscameasdoody awful you had that experience, but it is precisely what I meant. The adult compos mentis enough to manage whatever is important to them... ie buying and drinking alcohol, but unable to manage general tasks of daily living included toileting or cleaning up any mess they make is everyone else's job. (But to acknowledge this is tantamount to abuse on here for some!)

Who would get them in the inevitable divorce 😬

Absolutely not.
Do not encourage them to move closer to you either.
3 bottles of wine a day?
You have absolutely no idea how horrific their behaviour could get, day or night.
300k......not a chance.
This is classic addict selfishness.
If you care for your child even slightly you wouldn't even consider this.

Your house would be completely and utterly controlled by them.
You could NEVER invite a child to play, EVER, for example.
As time goes on personal care will be required.....are you up for that.
I would seriously be wondering do you place any value on your lives that you might even consider this.
I would be looking to separate if my spouse wanted this and taking my child with me.

No way. The stress that would put on your relationship. The impact on your DC. No amount of money would make that worthwhile.

With regards the almost gone inheritance, does this mean after you've had the £300k from the house sale, you'd be footing the bill for the extra person for the whole time they live there? So food/bills is on you - and as/when they need more specialist care, you'd have to pay for this too? And be a full/part time carer either with the alcohol (now) or other issues (future)? And no job, so they'd just be in your house all the time?

Honestly, it sounds harsh, but there is no way I would sign up for this. I also can't imagine at 50 feeling unable to run a house/work anymore! Is that down to the alcohol issues?

You've only 1 bathroom. When it's regularly covered with the alcoholics vomit, urine and faeces (let alone blood if they have oesophageal varices from drinking) how will you hide that from your DC?

Until your DM/DF confronts their drinking problem head on and makes concerted longtime effort to get help to abstain from alcohol they'd be nowhere near my DC. You dont have the expertise to help them through that.

Beware the emotional blackmail/flying monkeys after you tell them no.

Al-Anon will give you tools for coping with your family member. My friend is sadly going through very similar with her alcoholic "D"B and has found them very helpful in managing her expectations. She's also not having him live with her and is currently getting support in dealing with the emotional blackmail and fallout.

OP I am really sorry you are facing this worry and pressure from someone you ultimately care about.

OK, so thankfully one of you is freer from FOG (fear, obligation, guilt that comes from emotional attachment to someone with a toxic habit) and has veto-d the move in, and hopefully the numerous reasons for a ‘no’ on this thread have helped bolstered the other (presumably you).

Turn your attention to alternatives.

Would they address their drinking in any way at all? Do a Drinkaware quiz, approach AA, talk to their GP? Consider that without drink they may feel better able to work, run a household and not spend the remainder of the inheritance on wine @ £140 a week.

Explore other housing options, small flat , 055 housing scheme with extra care etc

Look at what benefits would be available if they have to stop work (it won’t cover the drink habit - but would be ok without…which suggests moving in with you is just a way to save any available ££ for drink..)

talk to Al Anon yourself for support and advice.

Personally I would want to be as honest as possible. Yes, cite house too small, need to accommodate growing Ds’s needs etc, but also say you wouldn’t feel comfortable changing the family dynamic in the household and though you love them their drinking would be a problem for you.

Al Anon might give you a framework for communicating with an alcoholic, and help you with emotional clarity.

Good luck.

If they could live for 20 years then essentially they are just paying you rent upfront of the rate of £1250 a month- which seems pretty cheap once you factor in inflation. If they live longer than 20 years then it’s even less.