Would you let an annoying family member live with you for 300k?

[L4815]

A relative of ours has said they will give us 300k if we allow them to move in with us.

It's me, DH and DS.

Pros.

Our 135k mortgage would be paid off plus other outstanding debt. We'd have a nice safety cushion and a better life financially.

Despite being annoying, deep down, we love family member and one of us feels a sense of duty toward them.

Family member would contribute to household chores.

Cons.

Family member is incredibly annoying. They like to be in control of everything. We don't let them but its still irritating.

Family member is a just about functioning alcoholic and would require our assistance with reducing.

Despite having some health issues, they are only in their 50s so potentially could end up living with us for another 20 years.

Family member would nag us about keeping the house clean. Much higher standards than us.

House is only a bog standard terrace so although we have a spare room, we only have one bathroom, one living area, etc.

One of us says absolutely no way, not even for a million. Other one sort of agrees but id also slightly swayed by how beneficial money would be and also feels sorry for family member who lives alone and has no other family or friends.

Almost feels a bit like selling your soul to the devil for money.

Ultimately feels like a choice between freedom or money.

WWYD?

Hypothetical really as one of us has already vetoed.

Are you serious? with a child in the house? I cannot believe this is an actual question

Hell no

I knew someone who did this but they sold up and with the proceeds of their house and annoying in laws’ house bought a house outright with an annexe so they each had their own separate front doors, AR had a living room, bedroom, bathroom and kitchenette.

Her DH provided most of the support his parents needed but it still really tested their patience. But at least she could just shut her door on them if it all became too much.

I’d consider if you can buy a property with an annex.

I believe their motivation stems from, being lonely and feeling unable to continue with the responsibility of running a home and mostly importantly, they've been living off an inheritance for the last few years which is very close to running out. They don't feel able to work anymore so they are now panicking massively about how to survive financially once the inheritance is gone.

Which family member is more important, the children, or the alcoholic adult? Imo the needs of children trump those of grown ass adults who abuse alcohol. OP is responsible for the wellbeing of their children, that's the family who they should be putting first . So the adult relative doesn't move in.

Noooooooooooooo.

And noooooooo.

And nooooooooooo.

We live with my DM. It rubs along okay, generally.

If we’d lived with my DF there would have been a murder (I didn’t). He was a functioning alcoholic who died of self-neglect.

We also lived with my maternal GPs for a few months when I was 18. GF was controlling. I still have PTSD from that period (I’m not joking).

If they irritate you now, it will be unbearable when they move in. If you throw controlling, functioning alcoholic and a young child in, it’s a recipe for disaster. If you want them to move in, that’s one thing. If you are tied to them financially and can’t move away or end the arrangement, it’s likely to cause resentment on both sides. It could work if you had a completely separate annexe, but that wouldn’t have kept my DF or GPs at bay. That required at least 300 miles (and it worked!).

I completely understand why the money is appealing but even in a relatively calm household (2 DCs under 7) where DM is self contained it puts a strain on our marriage some days. I am
an only child of an only child (difficult pregnancies run on DM’s side) and I live with DM because we only have each other and she’s vulnerable. Otherwise I wouldn’t consider it.

Edited to say DF died of self-neglect despite our best efforts, adult SS best efforts and a whole host of medical support. He couldn’t change and we couldn’t make him. It was soul destroying and if I’d been there every day it would have destroyed me and my marriage. It was only the space/distance that saved me.

A functioning alcoholic that needs your support? Not a chance. Why would you invite that into your home, which is meant to be a safe place for your child?

Now imagine that alcoholic drunk on 3 bottles of wine staggering around your house shouting that you're money grabbing bitch while your child watches.

What will you do?

Yes, relative is convinced they have already started to develop dementia. They forget things they've been told the same day but tell accurate stories from 30+ years ago, amongst other symptoms.

I don't think I could cope with that. DH and I also work FT. And for everyone else mentioning it, no realistically, we wouldn't inflict this on our DS. Both of us are non drinkers, and we don't want that around DS. I think it's just that there's a small niggling doubt that makes us want to help relative - sense of duty, responsibility, or whatever.

Am trying to convince relative to move closer so we can be on hand to help and also downsize so they can free up some cash to live on as an alternative.

Not for a million pounds. Moving in a functional alcoholic who consumes 3 bottles of wine a day will ruin your child's life.

I heard a story like this before from the USA and it turns out the annoying family member who promised to leave then in his inheritance left them nothing. 🤣

They may be annoying now but add entitlement into the mix and the you have the recipe for a disaster.

If they are in their 50s, it may be more like 30 years. Also, have they even said they want to reduce alcohol use? Most alcoholics don’t.

I wouldn’t go for it in a million years. Maybe in a large house with a proper granny annex (and a lock between it and the main house) but no way in a terrace with one bathroom.

Not for 10million,

perhaps only if i could buy a house with a 3 mile drive and a gate house to put them in.

no, two gate houses, one for them and one for the poor bastard paid to deal with them.

£300k for 20 years of misery. No thanks

Not to mention the effects the later stages of associated disease will inevitably cause if they keep drinking at this level. Loss of control of bowel and bladder, vomiting blood from engorged varicose veins to the throat. And in the end stages fits and multiple admissions to hospital which will only stave off the inevitable. No. Not a chance.

What a mess, but it's a mess that you absolutely do not want to be putting yourself in the middle of. How much do cheap one-bedroom assisted living places go for nearby? Can they sell up, use their funds to buy a cheap retirement place, then use what's left to help with living costs? If they wouldn't have much left they can work until they actually lose their job or retire, it may not happen (even if they don't like work, that's tough). No need to jump the gun on the work situation. But ultimately, they sound like they're in this mess due to alcoholism, so if they won't address that, they've made their bed, it's not your problem.

Stepping aside from the potential real problems of living with this relative - many above have already highlighted these 🙂. You would need to get proper legal advice. On what terms would the money be gifted ? There are tax implications and also potential for massive (expensive) legal disputes if the relative goes on to decide they want to go elsewhere after all and demands the money back because they only loaned it to you. What will they expect for the money ? i.e. are they anticipating you and your DH become their domestic staff on call 24 x 7 doing everything for them or are they anticipating doing their own cooking / cleaning / laundry etc.

If you decide you want to go ahead please get independent legal advice , as indeed does your relative need this to ensure a legally binding agreement is put in place so there can be no dispute over the money. ( family and money are never a good combination without proper legal agreements being in place and even then …..)

Not on your nelly. Even before you mentioned the three bottles a day. What's the point in having money if quality of daily life is ruined by constant irritations

@L4815 im mid 50s, well was…

no way should you consider this. It will break you, your family, your marriage

this person needs to sort themselves out.

3bottles of wine a day? Fuck me, I’d not even consider this unless that was more like MAX 1x day.

just say no.

You can't help them unless they help themselves. Drum that into both of your heads. Otherwise you are facilitating their addiction. You cannot fix this, only they can. And your child doesn't deserve to have an alcoholic destroying their (I assume) otherwise happy childhood. Do not do this to them. It will be the worst mistake you ever make.

Functioning alcoholic DF had dementia listed on his death certificate. I spent two years getting phone calls from the police to say they’d found/lost/had a report about him/had to break into his flat because he’d collapsed. That was the tip of the iceberg. It was shattering to watch and even more shattering that I couldn’t help. Having him living with us would just have exposed me, DH and the children to it on a daily basis.

It’s so hard and I feel for all involved, including the functioning alcoholic, because my dad wanted to be loved and secure and with us more than anything, but I had to protect my children first. He died at Christmas and the relief has been huge. I’d love to say otherwise, but I love him much more now (or much more purely) now he’s gone.

Not a chance in hell.

Absolutely not