3 strikes Mil - I am done with her and going no contact.

[NoContactMil]

I am done with my Mil. 3 strikes I’m out, and I will be going no contact really. She has negatively effected my mental health over the past 15 years and is the biggest problem in my marriage. I have name changed as I will likely send this to my Dh and his mother. I am sorry this is a long one.

Strike 1: She tries to dictate and control every aspect of my Dh’s / our lives from very small things to big things. She tries to control all family events and holidays. She treats us like we are incapable children. She wants to know everything, and does not think we are entitled to any privacy. If she doesn’t get her way she will use guilt trips, emotional blackmail, bribery and tantrums.
Examples:

1. She didn’t want us to have a baby and told Dh "I hope your not trying for a baby" after we got married. When Dh told her I was pregnant she was almost in tears on the phone asking how will we cope. She was also very against me breastfeeding. For the first month after having dc she would ring almost every day asking if I had stopped breastfeeding, and even told Dh if I stop breastfeeding she will buy him a perfect prep machine telling my husband “my friend started formula feeding and they and baby were much happier”.
2. When we have decided I will be a sahm because of the cost of travel and childcare. Mil told Dh I should just work because I need a job and even tried to bribe him by saying she will pay for part of nursery as my son will be better off in nursery.
3. She tries to pick out different jobs for Dh and even links him jobs. She got Dh's step father to tell him its nice he enjoys his job but he should be earning more to support his family (we are financially fine and have never asked them for money). The jobs she picks out don't even pay much better. They are just a lot closer to her. She even tried to suggest we buy Dh’s step fathers house he is selling that is round the corner from them (even telling Dh to send a thank you to him as he is trying to be helpful and we should be grateful).
4. She tried to get us to invite my Sil’s new boyfriend to our christening, I said no. Then Mil and Sil kept sending Dh messages saying we are being awful and they "don't deserve to be treated like this", and that my behaviour is not normal and that “we are tearing the family apart”. They even got Dh’s father involved offering to pay for the food if we invited him.
5. She is obsessed with what we spend our money on or how much we earn. She told my Dh the maximum amount he should spend on my engagement ring. She demanded to know how much we were going to donate at my sons Christening at the church in front of everyone. For my daughters christening she was hoovering over him watching as he donated the money. Comments why we bought things, or how much things cost. When I recently started a Phd she was demaning to know how much I being paid for doing it.
6. For family members birthdays she contacts Dh to make sure he sends cards and presents. Sometimes she even tries to pick the present he should get or tell him how much he should spend. She will contact dh many times reminding him and double checking he has done it. She does this if he goes to a friends wedding as well. This is the same for sending people flowers or than you cards. We were too busy to send thank you cards for gifts within a week after the birth of our son so she sent a pack of thank you cards in the post, telling us when we must send them. She does this for family news as well, telling him to text or call friends or family about things. Like you must call so and so to tell them about such and such. Or telling dh that he must send our wedding and christening invites / information to people by a certain time. Or that we must announce the birth on Facebook. She even told Dh who to send our baby scan pictures to.
7. When we visit for Christmas she would tell Dh I need to talk to other family members more, and I need to make an effort on Christmas day and dress up and wear make-up. You also would get woken up at 7am and told to come to living room in your pyjamas to open presents. I could go on and on - the whole day was controlled. For years it was always us going there for Christmas and boxing day. When we got our first house, the first time we were going to spend it with my parents her reply was "but it could be your grandmothers last Christmas".
8. She does not even think we are allowed medial privacy – she even asked Dh what vaginal exams I was having after giving birth. I could go on and on....

Strike 2: She will say nasty things all the time and in addition to her terrible behaviour. She will then gaslight and play the victim if you call her out on her behaviour. She will lie and deny a lot of the things I'm saying here.
Examples

1. My son has had a language delay and behaviour issues since the age of 1. She would constantly insinuate it was our fault asking things like “are we even talking to him” and pointing out his behaviour is “not normal”. One time commenting “don't you even know your own age” in an almost mocking way when he could not answer (dc was age 3). After he was diagnosed as being autistic we asked for an apology for her behaviour towards us all. Instead she denied she said any of it and said “how can you think that of me, an I wont tell step Fil that you think that of me”.
2. When we were were moving in together and DH was buying a house dh's step father sent an email to both of us insinuating I might be a gold digger so be careful, and make sure we both do what is right.
3. One weekend we said she couldn't visit because I was really ill with an infection (mastitis). She didn't visit for months and just sent texts implying we were stopping her from seeing her grandchild. She also looked for any minor excuse to try to blame him or scold him for something for months.
4. She will make comments about our appearance – like I should make an effort and wear makeup and I would look better. If Dh puts on a little weight, she tells him he needs to walk to work (5 miles away), only have 1 meal a day, asks if he is eating to much junk food, and when she visits touches his belly and makes comments.
5. She treats Bil wife better. When Bil's wife was in a car accident (did not need to go to hospital) she demanded we send her cards and flowers. When I was hospitalized for a week due to pneumonia while 25 weeks pregnant, I did not even get a message from Bil and Sil, never mind a card.
6. As we have gone more low contact over the years she is constantly saying my behaviour is “not normal”.

Strike 3: She tries to control people with money and is obsessed with money. And now she is trying to take some of Dh’s inheritence he got from his grandfather decades ago. Mil thinks Dh and his 2 siblings should pay towards her mothers (their grandmothers) burial and the debt she had when she died. Dh's grandmother had no money/ savings, no house/ estate when she died and the debt was overpaid pension and gas/ electric bill. My mil has over half a million in savings (i know because she recently sold 2 of her houses), and lives in a 5 bedroom house. We have two young children and live in a small 3 bedroom house and trying to save every penny for a bigger house. I have not been able to work for the previous 6 years because my son has been quite high needs.

AIBU to go zero contact, and send her this mumsnet post. Me and my children are not making any effort with her, not visiting her or staying at her house. She is not having unsupervised access to my children. My foot is down on this - she is Dh’s problem. Mil and Dh can complain all they like. It's if she wants to visit us she can, but if she tries to be manipulative or controlling, or point out what my children can’t do – then she won’t be seeing them at all. The only issue is do I supervise her when she is with my children as I can't trust Dh to do anything if she manipulate or insults our children. She will never change, she will just gaslight or play the victim, so I am done with her.

🤣🤣🤣

so funny!!!

and the boat rocker can be hard to find because of the flying monkeys and boat steadiers all working nuts for you to never find out. As indeed if you are sane, if you know, you won’t do it…so they lie 🤫

once you have said no to all, the rocker might come out of his/her lare and surprise you with his/her identity!

While id absolutely not send her a list of what she's done, I'd actually keep a copy (adding to it as necessary) against the day someone calls you out on your behaviour and for whatever reason you think it appropriate to share a smidgeon of the reason why
I personally have found it cathartic to write all this sort of shit down to get it out of my head, on the (v) odd occasion I've thought maybe I've been a bit unreasonable and it wasn't as bad, no need to read the whole thing, it will remind you that you are not being unreasonable

I feel for you as my own mother is like this. I tried to challenge her and she was super defensive, martyred up, gave me the cold shoulder. Whole family buy her victim act. Argh

OP I agree with other posters to not send the post. I sent a missive to similar MIL and was annihilated by the entire family - leading to irreparable damage and a very rocky period for DH and I. It was used as ammunition and to MIL ( and SIL) both acting as victims. In retrospect I should have just quietly disconnected. On the upside - it is liberating when you disconnect from the influence and contact. But do it on your terms and in your own time. DH will eventually see the benefits also of not being caught in the middle. It puts a spotlight on the M/SIL’s toxic behaviour. Good luck!

@GiveMeSpanakopita which thread are you taking about, not wrote about my Sil in ages. Which probably included the time she expected us to clean mil's rental property at christmas.

@Ivymom They sound awful, especially demanding you pay for their travel costs. I will I probably have to supervise every interaction with my in-laws since I cant depend on my husband, until my kids are older. But I hate being in the same room as my mil. Thanks for the advice and replies

Yeh fade away. That's all you can do.
You can't tell them WHY you're fading away.

This sounds like my MIL!!

I've stopped telling her about my own personal life, and anytime she suggests my partner and I do anything, I say yes sure, and don't do it haha

I only send her pictures and updates of the kids, as I don't believe no contact will do any good for anyone

I need to look after my own mental health as she can honestly drive me up the wall

I wouldn't send her the post, it would just show her how much you get annoyed, and she might enjoy that

She won't change, but if you start acting differently with her, she will get the jist

@PersonallyVictimizedByReginaGeorge it is frustrating, because you think you are dealing with reasonable people who will change or apologise when confronted but they just play the victim and make you the bad person

@AtlanticMum how bad was the fallout when you send your mil the message?

@NoContactMil The DH fallout was around six months and the broader family fallout is 4 years and counting. I’m excluded from family events etc so it’s quite the backlash. I do appreciate the peace and quiet it has brought. But at huge cost so I do regret - not so much doing it -just the way I did it. I was definitely injured by my own truth-bomb.

Currently doing the slow fade with my in-laws...blocked their numbers today. Feeling lighter and more hopeful for the future.

This message is exactly how things will go if you decide to send it to her instead step back, step away for your own sanity.. live your life how you want this will get to her more than anything else you do as she won’t have any power over you anymore and in return you get peace.

this sounds like it’s been really traumatic for you, I really would recommend you going to therapy and couples therapy too. Your husband has allowed this situation to continue and is partly to blame.

Cut contact with MiL for you and your children it will vastly improve your mental health done it myself before i inevitably parted ways with the other half a while later and my kids and myself still have zero contact with his side of the family, if husband doesn’t like it that’s on him he should be sticking up for his family (you and the kids) regardless of how she feels and if he can’t see what she’s like then he never will and will allow it to continue and won’t protect your children from it either as he sees it as normal behaviour

She sounds absolutely vile. I’d be tempted to send this post out of anger as well, but as others have said you would be painted in a bad light and she would come out as the victim. My mum always said to me ‘never put anything in writing’. Your MIL sounds like a master manipulator and I think you’re just going to have to play her at her own game.
Unfortunately, you can’t stop your DH from taking your DC to visit her (as annoying as that is) and as you’ve said, you don’t trust him enough to defend them against her, that leaves you. Think of it as you are there purely to supervise. Take a magazine and sit quietly in the corner of the room flicking through your magazine. Give her one word/non-committal answers. As soon as she starts being unkind to the children then you put your magazine away, gather the children’s belongings and tell them it’s time to go and to say goodbye to grandma. Tell your DH this is what’s happening from now on and if he doesn’t like it, then the DC don’t visit. Tell him that the other alternative is for him to stand up to his mother.

Don't send her anything. Don't say anything. Just stop replying. Let your husband deal with it all. You don't need to explain anything because they all know why already.

You clearly hate her. Point 1 doesn't sound that bad tbh. They've offered to pay for a lot of stuff but you can just turn it down.

Far too much information, reading it became a drag.

Trying to stop her grandson from having the best start in life and OP from doing what she wants with her body by offering to buy a machine that is not recommended by ye NHS because it frequently does not prepare powdered infant formula as safely as doing it according to the highest standards of formula preparation safety does sound pretty bad actually

Do we have the same MIL??

Seeiously, just go no contact. Don’t give her more supply by sending this to her. No good will come if it. Look into convert narcissism- I think you’ll find it very enlightening/familiar.

OP, please ignore people who tell you not to send it. YOU know your husband and MIL, and yourself. Not them. I've known of a few occasions where doing so has helped. So please ignore the well-meaning but naive posters who tell you this. Even if you choose not to send them to this thread, you can write your OP as a text in a text message to them both. Do what YOU need to do, to get through to your MIL and DP.

I really just want to send her this and tell her to off.

Then please do it! Don't listen to any other well-meaning but misguided people on here who always advise people to suffer in silence and not say anything and do the British thing. Which really, gets no one anywhere. If this is what you need to do to move on (and to make sure they know you have a record of what they've done), then you do it! For your mental health, if for no other reason.

As far as your useless husband is concerned, ultimatum time. He needs to know his and your marriage is at stake, and he needs to work out who he wants to piss off less; his mummy, or the woman he left his childhood home to form a family with, who is his wife and mother of his children, and who he shares a house and life with. Make sure you put it like that to him and that if he doesn't do a 180 with his attitude, he can find a new wife, and that you mean it!

They are his children too!

Op look into narascism, some good fb groups one is in sight? Something like that with Helen Villiers.

Don't give her that it will make her day.

Fade away, grey rock etc

I feel like you've just written about my own Mother, whom I haven't spoken to in almost 6 weeks because I stood up to her. She is exactly like your MIL.

Do not send this post to her - I am speaking from experience. Get a new number and do not give it to her. Go NC and do not let her have unsupervised access. You need to protect your babies, because your husband sounds wet behind the ears if he just bows down to her. They need someone to have their back.

My Mother once had my eldest and she ruined her self-confidence with comments about weight and clothing. I wasn't there to protect her because she was helping her out at work. My eldest wants nothing to do with her and also stands up to her.

Hold your head high and walk away from her.