3 strikes Mil - I am done with her and going no contact.

[NoContactMil]

I am done with my Mil. 3 strikes I’m out, and I will be going no contact really. She has negatively effected my mental health over the past 15 years and is the biggest problem in my marriage. I have name changed as I will likely send this to my Dh and his mother. I am sorry this is a long one.

Strike 1: She tries to dictate and control every aspect of my Dh’s / our lives from very small things to big things. She tries to control all family events and holidays. She treats us like we are incapable children. She wants to know everything, and does not think we are entitled to any privacy. If she doesn’t get her way she will use guilt trips, emotional blackmail, bribery and tantrums.
Examples:

1. She didn’t want us to have a baby and told Dh "I hope your not trying for a baby" after we got married. When Dh told her I was pregnant she was almost in tears on the phone asking how will we cope. She was also very against me breastfeeding. For the first month after having dc she would ring almost every day asking if I had stopped breastfeeding, and even told Dh if I stop breastfeeding she will buy him a perfect prep machine telling my husband “my friend started formula feeding and they and baby were much happier”.
2. When we have decided I will be a sahm because of the cost of travel and childcare. Mil told Dh I should just work because I need a job and even tried to bribe him by saying she will pay for part of nursery as my son will be better off in nursery.
3. She tries to pick out different jobs for Dh and even links him jobs. She got Dh's step father to tell him its nice he enjoys his job but he should be earning more to support his family (we are financially fine and have never asked them for money). The jobs she picks out don't even pay much better. They are just a lot closer to her. She even tried to suggest we buy Dh’s step fathers house he is selling that is round the corner from them (even telling Dh to send a thank you to him as he is trying to be helpful and we should be grateful).
4. She tried to get us to invite my Sil’s new boyfriend to our christening, I said no. Then Mil and Sil kept sending Dh messages saying we are being awful and they "don't deserve to be treated like this", and that my behaviour is not normal and that “we are tearing the family apart”. They even got Dh’s father involved offering to pay for the food if we invited him.
5. She is obsessed with what we spend our money on or how much we earn. She told my Dh the maximum amount he should spend on my engagement ring. She demanded to know how much we were going to donate at my sons Christening at the church in front of everyone. For my daughters christening she was hoovering over him watching as he donated the money. Comments why we bought things, or how much things cost. When I recently started a Phd she was demaning to know how much I being paid for doing it.
6. For family members birthdays she contacts Dh to make sure he sends cards and presents. Sometimes she even tries to pick the present he should get or tell him how much he should spend. She will contact dh many times reminding him and double checking he has done it. She does this if he goes to a friends wedding as well. This is the same for sending people flowers or than you cards. We were too busy to send thank you cards for gifts within a week after the birth of our son so she sent a pack of thank you cards in the post, telling us when we must send them. She does this for family news as well, telling him to text or call friends or family about things. Like you must call so and so to tell them about such and such. Or telling dh that he must send our wedding and christening invites / information to people by a certain time. Or that we must announce the birth on Facebook. She even told Dh who to send our baby scan pictures to.
7. When we visit for Christmas she would tell Dh I need to talk to other family members more, and I need to make an effort on Christmas day and dress up and wear make-up. You also would get woken up at 7am and told to come to living room in your pyjamas to open presents. I could go on and on - the whole day was controlled. For years it was always us going there for Christmas and boxing day. When we got our first house, the first time we were going to spend it with my parents her reply was "but it could be your grandmothers last Christmas".
8. She does not even think we are allowed medial privacy – she even asked Dh what vaginal exams I was having after giving birth. I could go on and on....

Strike 2: She will say nasty things all the time and in addition to her terrible behaviour. She will then gaslight and play the victim if you call her out on her behaviour. She will lie and deny a lot of the things I'm saying here.
Examples

1. My son has had a language delay and behaviour issues since the age of 1. She would constantly insinuate it was our fault asking things like “are we even talking to him” and pointing out his behaviour is “not normal”. One time commenting “don't you even know your own age” in an almost mocking way when he could not answer (dc was age 3). After he was diagnosed as being autistic we asked for an apology for her behaviour towards us all. Instead she denied she said any of it and said “how can you think that of me, an I wont tell step Fil that you think that of me”.
2. When we were were moving in together and DH was buying a house dh's step father sent an email to both of us insinuating I might be a gold digger so be careful, and make sure we both do what is right.
3. One weekend we said she couldn't visit because I was really ill with an infection (mastitis). She didn't visit for months and just sent texts implying we were stopping her from seeing her grandchild. She also looked for any minor excuse to try to blame him or scold him for something for months.
4. She will make comments about our appearance – like I should make an effort and wear makeup and I would look better. If Dh puts on a little weight, she tells him he needs to walk to work (5 miles away), only have 1 meal a day, asks if he is eating to much junk food, and when she visits touches his belly and makes comments.
5. She treats Bil wife better. When Bil's wife was in a car accident (did not need to go to hospital) she demanded we send her cards and flowers. When I was hospitalized for a week due to pneumonia while 25 weeks pregnant, I did not even get a message from Bil and Sil, never mind a card.
6. As we have gone more low contact over the years she is constantly saying my behaviour is “not normal”.

Strike 3: She tries to control people with money and is obsessed with money. And now she is trying to take some of Dh’s inheritence he got from his grandfather decades ago. Mil thinks Dh and his 2 siblings should pay towards her mothers (their grandmothers) burial and the debt she had when she died. Dh's grandmother had no money/ savings, no house/ estate when she died and the debt was overpaid pension and gas/ electric bill. My mil has over half a million in savings (i know because she recently sold 2 of her houses), and lives in a 5 bedroom house. We have two young children and live in a small 3 bedroom house and trying to save every penny for a bigger house. I have not been able to work for the previous 6 years because my son has been quite high needs.

AIBU to go zero contact, and send her this mumsnet post. Me and my children are not making any effort with her, not visiting her or staying at her house. She is not having unsupervised access to my children. My foot is down on this - she is Dh’s problem. Mil and Dh can complain all they like. It's if she wants to visit us she can, but if she tries to be manipulative or controlling, or point out what my children can’t do – then she won’t be seeing them at all. The only issue is do I supervise her when she is with my children as I can't trust Dh to do anything if she manipulate or insults our children. She will never change, she will just gaslight or play the victim, so I am done with her.

what’s your DH doing about all this? He sometimes see's my point after they way she treat our son. He agrees she is not a good grandmother. But he will not stand up to her and confront her on her behaviour. He always makes excuses (like saying "she hasn't done anything in months") or asks "why can't I just accept her" etc.

Really guard yourself against becoming bitter OP. That’s a very poisonous road to go down, it’s visible to everyone and the only one consumed by bitterness is yourself.

(I’m not saying you are btw, I’m saying guard against it very carefully.)

After all she has done and how much she has effected my marriage and mental health - I really just want to send her this and tell her to off. The way I feel about her is unhealthy and I have never hated anyone this much in my entire life.

The main thing i want to do is make sure she doesn't try this behaviour on my children and that my Dh supports me with this? I want to protect them from this awful women

Wow, sounds bloody awful. Definitely no contact and protect your children!
All the best and all my love !

Really guard yourself against becoming bitter OP. That’s a very poisonous road to go down, it’s visible to everyone and the only one consumed by bitterness is yourself.
I feel like this, the amount that I hate her (which I do think is justified with everything she has done) is very unhealthy. I feel like sending her this with a you message would be a huge cathartic relief.

You really need to chill out about this - and thats from a woman who is VERY low contact with her MIL for several reasons.
You sound really angry and with good reason but she would probably prefer drama so just don't give her any.
And if your DH wants to take the DC to see her then let him, she might get a few digs in but they will start to understand what shes like and vote with their feet as mine did

OP, you have it for yourself.
Just block her and refuse to go near her.
No way would I allow my child to bd abused by her.
Ignore your spineless husband.
Mind yourself.

I completely get why you would want to send her this because I would too but the reality is that it will just make her the bigger victim and you the worst person in the world. It's incredibly frustrating when you feel like you can't have your say and tell her straight but she isn't a reasonable person lol she won't suddenly come to the realisation that she is the problem it will just make it more frustrating for you. There is someone in my life who I would love to have it out with and it seems really unfair that they get to have the upper hand every time just because they play the victim, I might be a bitch but I play along now and purposely drop into conversation things that I know the other person doesn't want other people knowing because she has told them something completely different lol I show her up to be a liar and a manipulative twat but in a way that she can't quite say that's what I'm doing and her behaviour towards me isn't as bad now because she can't be sure what I will say lol and it's so satisfying watching someone like that be made to feel how they make others feel

It won’t be a relief as it will cause so much more drama forever. The only thing that will bring relief is total detachment and time. It’s not an easy fix given what you’ve said about how strongly you feel.

Your DH needs to stick up for you both.

I have a similar situation but with DHs two sisters. They are vile. Literally vile. I stopped speaking to one about two years ago and the other there was an incident recently that means I'm done and won't be speaking to her unless I have to.

In my case, SIL 1 made it glaringly obvious she did not like me and that DH could do better. She is rude and a bully but it's seen in the family as "oh that's just how she is" or that she is "direct". She's a fucking bullying arsehole with verbal diarrhoea. She offered to organise something for our wedding, I was in two minds as I didn't trust her. DH said I was being daft. A month before our wedding she lets him know she hasn't organised after all. Not something you can sort with a month to go so I now hate my wedding photos.

SIL 2 is a patronising cow, she talks to everyone like they're beneath her. She's condescending. Has a huge problem with my DD being gay.

I had enough and I have no issues ghosting them, I couldn't care less they are DHs family, they aren't mine. DH just annoys me though as he is too much of a wimp to say anything to either of them. It pisses me off.

This should’ve been nipped in the bud years ago but where there’s a will, there’s a relative. I guess inheritance is at the heart of why her nearest and dearest pander to it. You were just collateral damage. This is on your DH. He’s enabled it.

Receiving a message like that from you would be the best thing that's ever happened to her, she will thrive off of it, get to say to everyone SEE, I TOLD YOU SO, SHE IS A MONSTER, about you. She will turn every single point into something that makes her a fragile victim and you the attention seeking abuser who has taken her son away and destroyed her family. If you want to make this worse for yourself, your DH and ultimately the children involved then send it. You will get the blame and it creates a perfect moment for her. Dont sink, don't be as bad as her, don't feed her for your own satisfaction, it is game playing and its immature. It won't make any difference at all, she won't have an enormous revelation, or apologise, or change her personality, behaviours or characteristics. If you want her to leave you alone then leave her alone too. You want to damage her, have it all out and she is immune to it, she will turn all that harm back on you and you will suffer.

Definitely this.

Let her son {Your husband} see his mum on his own - She probably would prefer that anyway [?]

Sadly, if you ever split up you won't get a say

And if he chose to put the children in the car and take them to his mother's you have no right to stop him

Just reading your post I felt like I was being suffocated by your MIL, so it must be horrendous to be on the receiving end of.

I agree with others, don’t send it. She will use it as evidence that you are crazy, you are not, and if you are, she made you that way. But it WILL be used against you. I have toxic family members who I am NC and LC with, no good came from telling them how I felt.

Toxic people KNOW what they are doing, they don’t need to be told. Toxic people feel entitled to behave the way they do, they don’t see it as wrong.

The person I would show is your DH though, he needs to know how much his mother is breaking you. He needs to protect you from her and support you. If he’s a decent husband he will want you to reduce contact with her.

Your problem isn't your mil. It's your dh and the fact that he won't protect you and your children from her.

As always in these situations, it's this.
There would be no MIL problem if your husband refused to go along with her lunacy.

Agree with pp. Your dh is the real problem here,

Op be aware that she'd screenshot and show people saying look at her attacking me and make you the villain fuck that off and build a war of silence 🔕

Why are your with your husband if you can't trust him to do the best for his children? That actually sounds controlling of you. You can stop seeing your MIL and I certainly would from the long lists you've typed, you certainly have grounds, but you cannot stop your husband from taking his children to see their grandparents without cause.

Does your husband see/acknowledge the awful behaviour of his mother with you?

Regardless of what you do, you must not send your MIL any sort of written complaint, just don't. You would invalidate everything and just give her ammunition to pore through the list and involve your husband and wider family in this nonsense. Keep the drama OUT.

How do you propose to control what your husband does?

Your husband has as much choice as you do with regard to who your child sees.

I feel you OP, I have a MIL who both my SIL and husband keep LC, I'm NC with her by choice.

People like this feed on gossip and drama so "greige" the shit out of it because you can bet your arse that if you shared good news with her she's critique it or if you had bad news she'd
make it your fault.

My husband manages the relationship with his parents and I support him but I'm not involved. I don't visit (always have a handy excuse as to why I can't go) luckily they can't visit here since past behaviour of MIL who thought she was owed more of an opinion of what goes on in our home that we are as the mortgage payers.

DH keeps conversation on a very basic level keeping me out of it as much as possible. If asked "what have you been up to?" The reply is working, bit of gardening. Yes the dog's well, no we don't have any holiday plans yet etc etc" I've faded into the background happily.

Christmas was resolved last year for us when DH and SIL drew the line at visiting her before or after the big day but they refuse to have them as guests on the big day.

I've removed them from all social media and told them "I don't have social media anymore" so that prevents the snooping.

If you go for a big flounce out you give your MIL ammo for eternity unfortunately so it's best to think a bit more tactically

Quite a lot of your list isn't actually anything to do with you, really - I agree that there is quite a bit of micromanaging of your DH which is rather controlling/infantilising, but equally how he contacts BIL etc shouldn't be your problem either unless you are trying to create wifework for yourself.

TBH it reads like an anxious woman with rigid rules for social interactions and who places great value on/has a lot of worry around 'appearing normal', who has brought up a man who intrinsically doesn't put much value on social interactions at all and knows it, trying to make sure that he doesn't put his foot in it socially (by donating the wrong amount, not contacting someone etc) - I assume she has done this scaffolding all his life and hasn't seen any evidence that he is going to start doing it on his own (possibly as he hasn't been given a chance to be unprompted), so is panicking and carrying on because The Rules Must Be Followed. Have you worked out which of your son's immediate ancestors are autistic yet - could this be a clue?

On the other hand, she is just being rude and overstepping with things like trying to interfere with breastfeeding or telling your DH that you need to get a job - that is none of her business, even if as a couple you possibly choose to do things differently than the way she did/the advice she received as a new mother.

Please don't send this message.
She will feast on it ad infinitum to quote out of context to use against you, your husband and ultimately, your children.
You have no obligation to have her in your home, speak to her in person or answer phone calls, letters or messages.
Tell your husband this is how it will be from today, and that there is no discussion.

She'd share selected bits with other people and make you sound crazy and venemous.

She'll show your husband and use it to make herself look like a victim and you a bully.