3 strikes Mil - I am done with her and going no contact.

[NoContactMil]

I am done with my Mil. 3 strikes I’m out, and I will be going no contact really. She has negatively effected my mental health over the past 15 years and is the biggest problem in my marriage. I have name changed as I will likely send this to my Dh and his mother. I am sorry this is a long one.

Strike 1: She tries to dictate and control every aspect of my Dh’s / our lives from very small things to big things. She tries to control all family events and holidays. She treats us like we are incapable children. She wants to know everything, and does not think we are entitled to any privacy. If she doesn’t get her way she will use guilt trips, emotional blackmail, bribery and tantrums.
Examples:

1. She didn’t want us to have a baby and told Dh "I hope your not trying for a baby" after we got married. When Dh told her I was pregnant she was almost in tears on the phone asking how will we cope. She was also very against me breastfeeding. For the first month after having dc she would ring almost every day asking if I had stopped breastfeeding, and even told Dh if I stop breastfeeding she will buy him a perfect prep machine telling my husband “my friend started formula feeding and they and baby were much happier”.
2. When we have decided I will be a sahm because of the cost of travel and childcare. Mil told Dh I should just work because I need a job and even tried to bribe him by saying she will pay for part of nursery as my son will be better off in nursery.
3. She tries to pick out different jobs for Dh and even links him jobs. She got Dh's step father to tell him its nice he enjoys his job but he should be earning more to support his family (we are financially fine and have never asked them for money). The jobs she picks out don't even pay much better. They are just a lot closer to her. She even tried to suggest we buy Dh’s step fathers house he is selling that is round the corner from them (even telling Dh to send a thank you to him as he is trying to be helpful and we should be grateful).
4. She tried to get us to invite my Sil’s new boyfriend to our christening, I said no. Then Mil and Sil kept sending Dh messages saying we are being awful and they "don't deserve to be treated like this", and that my behaviour is not normal and that “we are tearing the family apart”. They even got Dh’s father involved offering to pay for the food if we invited him.
5. She is obsessed with what we spend our money on or how much we earn. She told my Dh the maximum amount he should spend on my engagement ring. She demanded to know how much we were going to donate at my sons Christening at the church in front of everyone. For my daughters christening she was hoovering over him watching as he donated the money. Comments why we bought things, or how much things cost. When I recently started a Phd she was demaning to know how much I being paid for doing it.
6. For family members birthdays she contacts Dh to make sure he sends cards and presents. Sometimes she even tries to pick the present he should get or tell him how much he should spend. She will contact dh many times reminding him and double checking he has done it. She does this if he goes to a friends wedding as well. This is the same for sending people flowers or than you cards. We were too busy to send thank you cards for gifts within a week after the birth of our son so she sent a pack of thank you cards in the post, telling us when we must send them. She does this for family news as well, telling him to text or call friends or family about things. Like you must call so and so to tell them about such and such. Or telling dh that he must send our wedding and christening invites / information to people by a certain time. Or that we must announce the birth on Facebook. She even told Dh who to send our baby scan pictures to.
7. When we visit for Christmas she would tell Dh I need to talk to other family members more, and I need to make an effort on Christmas day and dress up and wear make-up. You also would get woken up at 7am and told to come to living room in your pyjamas to open presents. I could go on and on - the whole day was controlled. For years it was always us going there for Christmas and boxing day. When we got our first house, the first time we were going to spend it with my parents her reply was "but it could be your grandmothers last Christmas".
8. She does not even think we are allowed medial privacy – she even asked Dh what vaginal exams I was having after giving birth. I could go on and on....

Strike 2: She will say nasty things all the time and in addition to her terrible behaviour. She will then gaslight and play the victim if you call her out on her behaviour. She will lie and deny a lot of the things I'm saying here.
Examples

1. My son has had a language delay and behaviour issues since the age of 1. She would constantly insinuate it was our fault asking things like “are we even talking to him” and pointing out his behaviour is “not normal”. One time commenting “don't you even know your own age” in an almost mocking way when he could not answer (dc was age 3). After he was diagnosed as being autistic we asked for an apology for her behaviour towards us all. Instead she denied she said any of it and said “how can you think that of me, an I wont tell step Fil that you think that of me”.
2. When we were were moving in together and DH was buying a house dh's step father sent an email to both of us insinuating I might be a gold digger so be careful, and make sure we both do what is right.
3. One weekend we said she couldn't visit because I was really ill with an infection (mastitis). She didn't visit for months and just sent texts implying we were stopping her from seeing her grandchild. She also looked for any minor excuse to try to blame him or scold him for something for months.
4. She will make comments about our appearance – like I should make an effort and wear makeup and I would look better. If Dh puts on a little weight, she tells him he needs to walk to work (5 miles away), only have 1 meal a day, asks if he is eating to much junk food, and when she visits touches his belly and makes comments.
5. She treats Bil wife better. When Bil's wife was in a car accident (did not need to go to hospital) she demanded we send her cards and flowers. When I was hospitalized for a week due to pneumonia while 25 weeks pregnant, I did not even get a message from Bil and Sil, never mind a card.
6. As we have gone more low contact over the years she is constantly saying my behaviour is “not normal”.

Strike 3: She tries to control people with money and is obsessed with money. And now she is trying to take some of Dh’s inheritence he got from his grandfather decades ago. Mil thinks Dh and his 2 siblings should pay towards her mothers (their grandmothers) burial and the debt she had when she died. Dh's grandmother had no money/ savings, no house/ estate when she died and the debt was overpaid pension and gas/ electric bill. My mil has over half a million in savings (i know because she recently sold 2 of her houses), and lives in a 5 bedroom house. We have two young children and live in a small 3 bedroom house and trying to save every penny for a bigger house. I have not been able to work for the previous 6 years because my son has been quite high needs.

AIBU to go zero contact, and send her this mumsnet post. Me and my children are not making any effort with her, not visiting her or staying at her house. She is not having unsupervised access to my children. My foot is down on this - she is Dh’s problem. Mil and Dh can complain all they like. It's if she wants to visit us she can, but if she tries to be manipulative or controlling, or point out what my children can’t do – then she won’t be seeing them at all. The only issue is do I supervise her when she is with my children as I can't trust Dh to do anything if she manipulate or insults our children. She will never change, she will just gaslight or play the victim, so I am done with her.

You can’t control your husband’s relationship with his own children. If you were to divorce, for example, he’d be allowed to do whatever during his contact time with them, including dropping them off at his mum’s.

You need to let go of that idea. They’re not just your kids. They’re his too.

You’re angry and fed up and emotional. That’s no condition to be making any decisions. Just get her out of your own life, for starters. Find peace in yourself - that could take months and years. And you’ll just have to let go of any influence via your DH. She’s his mum. You’ve no right to interfere there. Really, you should have chosen a less wet lettuce of a husband. Ultimately, you chose this man who’s incapable of dealing with his mum. Now you have to deal with that.

If you want to go no contact, then that’s fine but you can’t stop DH or your kids if that’s what he wants. So it's okay if he just allows her to bully my autistic son?????

If he wants mummy telling him what to do all of the time then that’s his choice. Alot of these things involve me

OP you don't seem to be acknowledging the comments relating to your DH. He is your problem/focus here. MIL is a pain, but DH is the person you've chosen to be your life and parenting partner. That's where your focus needs to be.

I've seen your recent threads. They are almost word for word what you have written here.

You would not be at all unreasonable to go no contact with your MIL. However, you would be utterly insane to show her this thread or any of your others (not hard to find anyway). She would love that and use it against you.

Presumably your name change is an attempt to protect some privacy, but to then email MIL a link to the thread would totally defeat the object of that exercise.

Just quietly drop the rope. Don't respond to anything she sends you and block her if necessary. Don't invite her to your home, don't go to any events she is involved with or invited to. You'll still hear plenty about her via DH and on the family grapevine.

All contact should now go via DH. Just leave him to it. If he wants to take the kids to see his mother then that is his choice although he must understand that he is to call her out if she bullies or upsets any of them. They will almost certainly tell you if that happens. If he doesn't properly protect the kids from shit that comes from his mother's mouth then have a serious conversation with him about whether he should be exposing them to her.

Personally, I agree that I wouldn't want the kids to have much exposure to her, but it isn't quite as simple as just saying no about it.

OP, did you already post about the paying for the funeral? Theres already a thread on here about that, though I suspect that’s probably you. Yes it was, and then I have been thinking about everything she has done and stewing in anger the past week.

She will then develop The Mystery Illness she faking having ms for a year

In reality you can’t stop him seeing his mum or taking the kids to see her. If you divorce you’ll have no control over what happens or who they see during his contact time.

Please don’t send her this thread or anything else. She will twist it to make herself the victim and you the villain. She isn’t worth your notice. Drop the rope with her. Tell your husband that she is dead to you and the children. You guys will not have anything to do with her, communicate with her, accept anything from her or even hear about her.

I would either consider this thread a burn letter, or even write a burn letter with everything she has wronged you and your children in it. If you feel safe, show it to your husband and tell him this is why you and the children can not have a relationship with MIL. I would also tell him instances where he failed to protect you guys from MIL and that is why the children can not have any relationship with her.

I would start couples counseling with your husband. You need to strengthen your relationship and heal. Hopefully he is willing to also do individual therapy. You should do individual therapy to heal from what this situation has already done to you and to get over the bitterness it has caused.

Drop the rope with her what does this mean?

You have nothing to gain by communicating with her.
Focus your attention on managing what you can, your DH and your DC.
Unless he moves back in with his mum, she want have much opportunity to hurt your DC. Just limit exposure as much as you can and keep working on your husband’s ability to resist her.

I wouldn't confront her. The old saying you can't change people only how you react to them.
I think in your situation if find myself a good counsellor or therapist. Someone neutral you can hash all this out with and help decide a path that's the most positive for your mental health

It means you stop pulling the rope like a tug of war with DH in the middle. You refuse to engage. You just drop it and walk off. Let her rant and rave a stew, you aren’t listening and you don’t care. You stop arguing because you aren’t communicating.

You are in a situation where she has become this huge powerful presence. Cut her off and she’s just ranting to thin air. And she will become a tiny inconsequential figure, barely recognised.

Be unavailable - don’t answer messages, give lifts, fulfill requests etc Let things lapse and let your h manage it. She clearly doesn’t like you so there’s no point putting effort into a relationship like that. It’ll still be shit but at least you’re not doing stuff for her.

It essentially means give up, stop speaking to her, stop visiting her, stop thinking about her - everything! Tell your husband he can have a relationship with his mother, but you and the kids will not, and tell him you won't discuss her anymore as it is negatively impacting your marriage. Just act like she doesn't exist.

I fully see the appeal of sending her this thread and telling her when to go, but don't! The only person it will negatively impact is you, which will cause more anger and bitterness on your part.

People like your MIL aren't rational enough to have these conversations with, she will never ever see that she is wrong, and she will be the victim in this, not you which is not what you want. Turn your back on her and live a happy peaceful life, some therapy may help with the (very understandable) anger.

It takes two to have a tug of war. At the moment you are hanging on to the rope and she’s tugging you about. Let go. She can’t jerk you about if you let go.

Don’t engage. Walk away. She can’t mess you about if you just let go.

I couldn’t read it all but I gather you’re planning on sending her that diatribe?

All that will do is give her "evidence” of your mental instability, and what will she do with that?

Just cut her off. She’s DH’s problem alone from now on. That’s it.

This is so true. It will not give you the satisfaction you are hoping for. Take heart in knowing that people agree she is awful. It sounds really stressful.

There seems to be a glut of mumsnetters at the moment who want to go NC with family members but write them a very long email/letter first explaining why.

There was a mumsnetter the other week who wanted to do the same with her SIL. Man she really hated that SIL.

In your case it seems a bit more clear cut and I understand why you want to go NC but the problem with NC is it will affect your relationships with your entire family not just your MIL. Going NC is like throwing a rock into a pond, it has massive ripples.

Don't send her anything in writing and just grey rock it, honestly.

Seems like you have a bigger husband problem. He and her other family members seem to enable her to avoid upsetting her and unfortunately that may mean you will.always come second to his dear mother.

And yes you are right to go NC with her but l expect your husband will try to make it difficult for you. And I also agree with other posters who say there is no need to send this thread to her, cut her off and move on.

Honestly sending her anything along the lines of what you have posted, will play right into her hand and feed more drama.

Grey rock her. No you can't control what your DH does, you can only control what you do. Given she is his mother, it's near impossible for you to stop your kids from contact with her, but you can minimise it.

Your post is full of bitterness and anger. Take a step back. Don't fuel more drama.

Do it.

im 6 months no contact from my mil. She sounds similar to yours, just a horrible woman who has made my life hell. I just snipped the strings, blocked any form of contact between ourselves and not looked back, supported by my partner who has also cut all contact. Our life has become easier, funny how there has been no drama or tension in the house once we had made the move to no contact

I definitely won't send it to her. Just grey rock/ no contact, dh's problem and protect my children from this vile women

@Maraa how did u get your partner to see the light?

Bingo I did it successfully 5 years ago.

@BowlOfNoodles how did your dh react at first?

As I understand it, if you send this to your MIL
she will see it as challenge fuel.
Expect her to become the victim and hit you with a whole list of awful things you have done or said which will go on longer than the Eurovision Song Contest.
Your MIL is an absolute nightmare. If your DH was not married to you, she would have seen most women off by now.
A friend of mine was marrying someone just like her but sadly she became ill very quickly and only had a few weeks to live. She played the game and was supportive. A few days before she died this lady asked to see my friend alone. My friend thought it might be healing and reassured her she would look after her son.
The reply? If I could I would have him die and be buried with me, because the thought I can’t have him and you can is too much.
These neurotic people walk amongst us, and take their bile to the grave with them.
Your DH needs to step up.
But I would see right now counselling for you personally would be a great idea. This woman is destroying your MH, and you need someone impartial, who is there to support you, who will get you through this.
The best revenge is a life well lived. NC with this woman is non-negotiable for you. She will fuss to others about it, but be consistent.
Build up your own defences and resources first in terms of your MH and well being. So that you can put this tin pot dictator in the past.