3 strikes Mil - I am done with her and going no contact.

[NoContactMil]

I am done with my Mil. 3 strikes I’m out, and I will be going no contact really. She has negatively effected my mental health over the past 15 years and is the biggest problem in my marriage. I have name changed as I will likely send this to my Dh and his mother. I am sorry this is a long one.

Strike 1: She tries to dictate and control every aspect of my Dh’s / our lives from very small things to big things. She tries to control all family events and holidays. She treats us like we are incapable children. She wants to know everything, and does not think we are entitled to any privacy. If she doesn’t get her way she will use guilt trips, emotional blackmail, bribery and tantrums.
Examples:

1. She didn’t want us to have a baby and told Dh "I hope your not trying for a baby" after we got married. When Dh told her I was pregnant she was almost in tears on the phone asking how will we cope. She was also very against me breastfeeding. For the first month after having dc she would ring almost every day asking if I had stopped breastfeeding, and even told Dh if I stop breastfeeding she will buy him a perfect prep machine telling my husband “my friend started formula feeding and they and baby were much happier”.
2. When we have decided I will be a sahm because of the cost of travel and childcare. Mil told Dh I should just work because I need a job and even tried to bribe him by saying she will pay for part of nursery as my son will be better off in nursery.
3. She tries to pick out different jobs for Dh and even links him jobs. She got Dh's step father to tell him its nice he enjoys his job but he should be earning more to support his family (we are financially fine and have never asked them for money). The jobs she picks out don't even pay much better. They are just a lot closer to her. She even tried to suggest we buy Dh’s step fathers house he is selling that is round the corner from them (even telling Dh to send a thank you to him as he is trying to be helpful and we should be grateful).
4. She tried to get us to invite my Sil’s new boyfriend to our christening, I said no. Then Mil and Sil kept sending Dh messages saying we are being awful and they "don't deserve to be treated like this", and that my behaviour is not normal and that “we are tearing the family apart”. They even got Dh’s father involved offering to pay for the food if we invited him.
5. She is obsessed with what we spend our money on or how much we earn. She told my Dh the maximum amount he should spend on my engagement ring. She demanded to know how much we were going to donate at my sons Christening at the church in front of everyone. For my daughters christening she was hoovering over him watching as he donated the money. Comments why we bought things, or how much things cost. When I recently started a Phd she was demaning to know how much I being paid for doing it.
6. For family members birthdays she contacts Dh to make sure he sends cards and presents. Sometimes she even tries to pick the present he should get or tell him how much he should spend. She will contact dh many times reminding him and double checking he has done it. She does this if he goes to a friends wedding as well. This is the same for sending people flowers or than you cards. We were too busy to send thank you cards for gifts within a week after the birth of our son so she sent a pack of thank you cards in the post, telling us when we must send them. She does this for family news as well, telling him to text or call friends or family about things. Like you must call so and so to tell them about such and such. Or telling dh that he must send our wedding and christening invites / information to people by a certain time. Or that we must announce the birth on Facebook. She even told Dh who to send our baby scan pictures to.
7. When we visit for Christmas she would tell Dh I need to talk to other family members more, and I need to make an effort on Christmas day and dress up and wear make-up. You also would get woken up at 7am and told to come to living room in your pyjamas to open presents. I could go on and on - the whole day was controlled. For years it was always us going there for Christmas and boxing day. When we got our first house, the first time we were going to spend it with my parents her reply was "but it could be your grandmothers last Christmas".
8. She does not even think we are allowed medial privacy – she even asked Dh what vaginal exams I was having after giving birth. I could go on and on....

Strike 2: She will say nasty things all the time and in addition to her terrible behaviour. She will then gaslight and play the victim if you call her out on her behaviour. She will lie and deny a lot of the things I'm saying here.
Examples

1. My son has had a language delay and behaviour issues since the age of 1. She would constantly insinuate it was our fault asking things like “are we even talking to him” and pointing out his behaviour is “not normal”. One time commenting “don't you even know your own age” in an almost mocking way when he could not answer (dc was age 3). After he was diagnosed as being autistic we asked for an apology for her behaviour towards us all. Instead she denied she said any of it and said “how can you think that of me, an I wont tell step Fil that you think that of me”.
2. When we were were moving in together and DH was buying a house dh's step father sent an email to both of us insinuating I might be a gold digger so be careful, and make sure we both do what is right.
3. One weekend we said she couldn't visit because I was really ill with an infection (mastitis). She didn't visit for months and just sent texts implying we were stopping her from seeing her grandchild. She also looked for any minor excuse to try to blame him or scold him for something for months.
4. She will make comments about our appearance – like I should make an effort and wear makeup and I would look better. If Dh puts on a little weight, she tells him he needs to walk to work (5 miles away), only have 1 meal a day, asks if he is eating to much junk food, and when she visits touches his belly and makes comments.
5. She treats Bil wife better. When Bil's wife was in a car accident (did not need to go to hospital) she demanded we send her cards and flowers. When I was hospitalized for a week due to pneumonia while 25 weeks pregnant, I did not even get a message from Bil and Sil, never mind a card.
6. As we have gone more low contact over the years she is constantly saying my behaviour is “not normal”.

Strike 3: She tries to control people with money and is obsessed with money. And now she is trying to take some of Dh’s inheritence he got from his grandfather decades ago. Mil thinks Dh and his 2 siblings should pay towards her mothers (their grandmothers) burial and the debt she had when she died. Dh's grandmother had no money/ savings, no house/ estate when she died and the debt was overpaid pension and gas/ electric bill. My mil has over half a million in savings (i know because she recently sold 2 of her houses), and lives in a 5 bedroom house. We have two young children and live in a small 3 bedroom house and trying to save every penny for a bigger house. I have not been able to work for the previous 6 years because my son has been quite high needs.

AIBU to go zero contact, and send her this mumsnet post. Me and my children are not making any effort with her, not visiting her or staying at her house. She is not having unsupervised access to my children. My foot is down on this - she is Dh’s problem. Mil and Dh can complain all they like. It's if she wants to visit us she can, but if she tries to be manipulative or controlling, or point out what my children can’t do – then she won’t be seeing them at all. The only issue is do I supervise her when she is with my children as I can't trust Dh to do anything if she manipulate or insults our children. She will never change, she will just gaslight or play the victim, so I am done with her.

How old are they? Dc are almost age 2 and 7

Don’t send the post, she’ll absolutely love it, seriously. Narcissists crave attention, ignoring them drives them mental, it’s great!

Here you go:

At some point in her life, she gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the rocking. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face up to the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of their boat-steadying skills that they secretly (or not so secretly) live for the rocking.
The boat rocker escalates. The boat steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, they’re the best boat steadier ever, and that can't be true if the boat capsizes, so therefore the boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?
Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born. A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. They’re so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and they’ll fall over. There's a good chance the boat rocker never taught them to swim either. They’ll jump at the slightest twitch like their life depends on it, because it did. When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Eventually you get a boat of your own. With you not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat steadiers have to work even harder.
While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something! So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you
and your partner see how much easier it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make life so much easier. You know what would be easier? If they chucked the bitch overboard.

By sending the post you go to “Persecutor” in Karpman’s Drama Triangle. This puts MIL into “Victim” and your DH will probably go to “Rescuer” and defend the victim. Better to be adult and do a quiet phase out.

Karpman's drama triangle - nailed it! Read up about DARVO, JADE, even trauma bonding, see her for what she is, even medicalise her behaviour, and she will become much easier to deal with or ignore depending on your preference.

@herownworstenemy Thanks, loved the analogy

OP. Just go NC and refuse to engage with the woman. Tell your DH of your intention and why, but he must be fully aware of the circumstances so don’t belabour the point or he’ll stop listening. Basically you feel that the relationship is toxic and if he continues to have contact he needs to protect and defend his DC.
I think at your Mil’s unkind comments to your DC are primarily aimed at you and to a lesser extent at your DH. ( to indicate to him that you are an inadequate mother). So the chances of her treating the DC badly in your absence are diminished.
If your DH does have her visit, then make yourself absent and have a nanny-cam running so you are able to check that nothing untoward has happened. If she says anything disparaging then DH needs to correct her on the spot and say, we feel DC is fine and we love him just the way he is, or, you’re out of touch Grandma, and everyone else thinks the kids are doing fine. Every child is different in his or her way.
Good luck

Not sure how your family fits in with the analogy/flying monkeys etc but your DH is conditioned not to rock the boat, he's even being manipulated via threat of disinheritance. A parents love is unconditional, it doesn't rely on offers of money/threat of its removal, your DH needs to understand that. Would he do this to his own DC? There's his answer.

Another trick for you if you do have to spend time with her - write "fuck off" on the roof of your mouth with your tongue. It really works, it'll make you laugh and take all the oxygen out of MILs nonsense.

But whatever you do as you disengage, lower contact or whatever, do not tell MiL what you're doing under any circumstances, just crack on and do it.

I only think number 9 is really that bad in your list, the others aren't "nice" but they're pretty standard minor things from a lot of in-laws.

Not sure how your family fits in with the analogy/flying monkeys I would say Sil is a flying monkey? As she is very like Mil

others aren't "nice" but they're pretty standard minor things from a lot of in-laws I really don't think it is just standand minor things - are you my mil or sil????

Regarding mystery illness - her dog has a mystery illness at the moment, and she pretended she had Multiple sclerosis for a year in the past

I stopped reading after strike 1 because I had read enough and was just screaming why the hell you and your DH have put up with this. How does she know what you earn, spend etc unless you or DH are telling her?
Just stop seeing her, nothing is worth that hassle.

Don't send it.
Reduce contact slowly. Her control is excessive.

Unfortunately that's the law unless your going to say he's not on the birth certificate or has had parental responsibility removed .....your better to work on why what's happening and why it's wrong to see if he agrees....and avoid her if you want

What do you think will happen if you sent it? Do you think she will say omg I'm horrible to you and never do it again or more likely use it against you as well as possibly looking at suing you if she's really mean? If you separate it could also be used to evidence mental state....family all deny so your on your own etc....

Seriously your bar is low

You have a DH problem, not an MIL problem.

If your DH had put in place healthy boundaries much much sooner to stop your MIL interfering in your marriage, it would have stopped all that crap years ago. The fact he let her carry on, is him being sloppy shouldered and lacking a backbone.

as for her dictating that you shouldn't have children, well there are no words for that one.

Best thing we did was cut dhs parents from our life, you don't need to explain anything. If your husband wants to then let him. Family doesn't mean you tolerate toxic behaviour.

Typing it out has been therapeutic I’m sure. Definitely don’t send it to her. Narcissists like her thrive on this stuff, she will enjoy it.

Just cut her off.
No need to explain or send her anything. Block her numbers , or change yours.
Tell your DH you do not want to hear anything about her.
She sounds beyond toxic. And rather mad.

Don't don't don't send that message. It's lining yourself up against the wall and handing her a loaded gun with the business end pointed at yourself.

Make a voodoo doll if you have to, and I can really see why you want to get far far away from her.

Would that be an option, if your partner is so much of a wet dishcloth? Literally moving a good deal further away? Easier said than done but it'd solve some problems.

Sorry didn't get past strike 1 but from what I did read then yup you definitely don't need that crap. She's deranged. Life is too short to put up with bad treatment or loony tunes behaviour. Do it.

I agree with others. Just go quietly low contact if your dh is in agreement. If she calls it out then I'd have dh deal with that so you need to be sure he's 100% on board and ready to deal with the fallout.

Do not show her this post. It's just going to add fuel to her fire that you've gone online and slated her to lots of people (even if what you've written is all true). That'll just cause drama you don't need. Either tell her directly that you're going lc and why (with dh there) or just do it quietly.

The OP should be able to tell you what happened because she posted that one herself. And at least another two threads about the MIL.

@herownworstenemy Another trick for you if you do have to spend time with her - write "fuck off" on the roof of your mouth with your tongue. It really works, it'll make you laugh and take all the oxygen out of MILs nonsense.

This is awesome! I'm saving that for the right person.