3 strikes Mil - I am done with her and going no contact.

[NoContactMil]

I am done with my Mil. 3 strikes I’m out, and I will be going no contact really. She has negatively effected my mental health over the past 15 years and is the biggest problem in my marriage. I have name changed as I will likely send this to my Dh and his mother. I am sorry this is a long one.

Strike 1: She tries to dictate and control every aspect of my Dh’s / our lives from very small things to big things. She tries to control all family events and holidays. She treats us like we are incapable children. She wants to know everything, and does not think we are entitled to any privacy. If she doesn’t get her way she will use guilt trips, emotional blackmail, bribery and tantrums.
Examples:

1. She didn’t want us to have a baby and told Dh "I hope your not trying for a baby" after we got married. When Dh told her I was pregnant she was almost in tears on the phone asking how will we cope. She was also very against me breastfeeding. For the first month after having dc she would ring almost every day asking if I had stopped breastfeeding, and even told Dh if I stop breastfeeding she will buy him a perfect prep machine telling my husband “my friend started formula feeding and they and baby were much happier”.
2. When we have decided I will be a sahm because of the cost of travel and childcare. Mil told Dh I should just work because I need a job and even tried to bribe him by saying she will pay for part of nursery as my son will be better off in nursery.
3. She tries to pick out different jobs for Dh and even links him jobs. She got Dh's step father to tell him its nice he enjoys his job but he should be earning more to support his family (we are financially fine and have never asked them for money). The jobs she picks out don't even pay much better. They are just a lot closer to her. She even tried to suggest we buy Dh’s step fathers house he is selling that is round the corner from them (even telling Dh to send a thank you to him as he is trying to be helpful and we should be grateful).
4. She tried to get us to invite my Sil’s new boyfriend to our christening, I said no. Then Mil and Sil kept sending Dh messages saying we are being awful and they "don't deserve to be treated like this", and that my behaviour is not normal and that “we are tearing the family apart”. They even got Dh’s father involved offering to pay for the food if we invited him.
5. She is obsessed with what we spend our money on or how much we earn. She told my Dh the maximum amount he should spend on my engagement ring. She demanded to know how much we were going to donate at my sons Christening at the church in front of everyone. For my daughters christening she was hoovering over him watching as he donated the money. Comments why we bought things, or how much things cost. When I recently started a Phd she was demaning to know how much I being paid for doing it.
6. For family members birthdays she contacts Dh to make sure he sends cards and presents. Sometimes she even tries to pick the present he should get or tell him how much he should spend. She will contact dh many times reminding him and double checking he has done it. She does this if he goes to a friends wedding as well. This is the same for sending people flowers or than you cards. We were too busy to send thank you cards for gifts within a week after the birth of our son so she sent a pack of thank you cards in the post, telling us when we must send them. She does this for family news as well, telling him to text or call friends or family about things. Like you must call so and so to tell them about such and such. Or telling dh that he must send our wedding and christening invites / information to people by a certain time. Or that we must announce the birth on Facebook. She even told Dh who to send our baby scan pictures to.
7. When we visit for Christmas she would tell Dh I need to talk to other family members more, and I need to make an effort on Christmas day and dress up and wear make-up. You also would get woken up at 7am and told to come to living room in your pyjamas to open presents. I could go on and on - the whole day was controlled. For years it was always us going there for Christmas and boxing day. When we got our first house, the first time we were going to spend it with my parents her reply was "but it could be your grandmothers last Christmas".
8. She does not even think we are allowed medial privacy – she even asked Dh what vaginal exams I was having after giving birth. I could go on and on....

Strike 2: She will say nasty things all the time and in addition to her terrible behaviour. She will then gaslight and play the victim if you call her out on her behaviour. She will lie and deny a lot of the things I'm saying here.
Examples

1. My son has had a language delay and behaviour issues since the age of 1. She would constantly insinuate it was our fault asking things like “are we even talking to him” and pointing out his behaviour is “not normal”. One time commenting “don't you even know your own age” in an almost mocking way when he could not answer (dc was age 3). After he was diagnosed as being autistic we asked for an apology for her behaviour towards us all. Instead she denied she said any of it and said “how can you think that of me, an I wont tell step Fil that you think that of me”.
2. When we were were moving in together and DH was buying a house dh's step father sent an email to both of us insinuating I might be a gold digger so be careful, and make sure we both do what is right.
3. One weekend we said she couldn't visit because I was really ill with an infection (mastitis). She didn't visit for months and just sent texts implying we were stopping her from seeing her grandchild. She also looked for any minor excuse to try to blame him or scold him for something for months.
4. She will make comments about our appearance – like I should make an effort and wear makeup and I would look better. If Dh puts on a little weight, she tells him he needs to walk to work (5 miles away), only have 1 meal a day, asks if he is eating to much junk food, and when she visits touches his belly and makes comments.
5. She treats Bil wife better. When Bil's wife was in a car accident (did not need to go to hospital) she demanded we send her cards and flowers. When I was hospitalized for a week due to pneumonia while 25 weeks pregnant, I did not even get a message from Bil and Sil, never mind a card.
6. As we have gone more low contact over the years she is constantly saying my behaviour is “not normal”.

Strike 3: She tries to control people with money and is obsessed with money. And now she is trying to take some of Dh’s inheritence he got from his grandfather decades ago. Mil thinks Dh and his 2 siblings should pay towards her mothers (their grandmothers) burial and the debt she had when she died. Dh's grandmother had no money/ savings, no house/ estate when she died and the debt was overpaid pension and gas/ electric bill. My mil has over half a million in savings (i know because she recently sold 2 of her houses), and lives in a 5 bedroom house. We have two young children and live in a small 3 bedroom house and trying to save every penny for a bigger house. I have not been able to work for the previous 6 years because my son has been quite high needs.

AIBU to go zero contact, and send her this mumsnet post. Me and my children are not making any effort with her, not visiting her or staying at her house. She is not having unsupervised access to my children. My foot is down on this - she is Dh’s problem. Mil and Dh can complain all they like. It's if she wants to visit us she can, but if she tries to be manipulative or controlling, or point out what my children can’t do – then she won’t be seeing them at all. The only issue is do I supervise her when she is with my children as I can't trust Dh to do anything if she manipulate or insults our children. She will never change, she will just gaslight or play the victim, so I am done with her.

@GiveMeSpanakopita

There seems to be a glut of mumsnetters at the moment who want to go NC with family members but write them a very long email/letter first explaining why

There was a mumsnetter the other week who wanted to do the same with her SIL. Man she really hated that SIL

is it easy to find this thread? did she send the email?

Angrily said I wasn't supportive or a team player. I said your mom your problem and weathered the storm by standing firm I'm not a c* and won't be treated like one. Don't have gaslighting

@NoContactMil

Yes you have to be present if you can’t trust dh alone to stop her manipulation and being Inappropriate around the kids .
1hr a week pop in for a coffee visit with the kids . First comment she makes get up and walk out . Next week repeat and so on .
If she does it 3 times just say you won’t be back and neither will the kids .

But you do realise you cannot completely control who sees your child as your husband has as much right as you do to say who they see?

But literally how does she enforce that with her husband?

Try AIBU? Her username was NoContact SIL or NC SIL.

No idea whether she did or not, she was extremely heated and clearly hated her SIL so I would hope not.

@marigoldandrose so i should let my wet lettuce husband do nothing as my vile mil bullies my disabled son?

You're not getting it im not saying you should or shouldn't let your children see your MIL it's that you have zero legal rights to prevent your husband allowing access because you both have equal rights and responsibilities

Starting NOW, distance yourself as much as you can. Dont give her any head space. Tell your husband that you won't be engaging with him in any conversations about her, then just get on with your life!
You can't stop your husband letting your children to see her but you CAN put distance between you and her, which will benefit your mental health immediately.

How the hell did she get past strike 1?!?

@How the hell did she get past strike 1?!? My dh is a wet lettuce and in the FOG - its been a long road to get him to agree to lower contact with her

Don't send it.

It was your clarifying getting it all out process, for yourself.

If you send it, you will have handed her a giant pile of fuel that she will use to power the legend that you were the bad guy, and that will go on the rest of her life and beyond, infecting all the family with her take on it.

Let it end here. You know why. Your husband understands your point of view. Stick to it.

Grey rock. Arms length. No contact.

This is wise advice
Was in a similar position and tried to phase out MIL
DH sided with his mum and left me & our autistic child for a subordinate at work who does what he says. They have their own family and take our kids to visit occasionally with the MIL there absolutely loving it

He wants that inheritance bad op

He wants that inheritance bad op he does mention that sometimes, that if we go low contact he won't get inheritance. I couldn't care less about her money, just about protecting my kids from her vile behaviour

I posted on your other recent thread.

I agree that you shouldn’t send her an email or letter as she could use it against you for the rest of her life!

The best course of action is indifference.Try and ignore her as much as you can She demands x,y,z…don’t reply to her. If she keeps pushing just fob her off vaguely and pretend you don’t understand.

My MIL and SIL would keep ringing and texting me to either speak to DH about something or ask what did he think of a,b,c, always minor trivial things but they had to know as, as if I was his PA. It really me pissed me off. I just stopped replying and now they contact him directly which is a win for me.

If you don’t care about the inheritance, your easiest solution is to leave them both! Neither of them add anything to your life.

If you don't want to see then don't. If your dh wants her to see your children's that is his choice. It really is that simple. You can't and shouldn't attempt to control what your dh does anymore than your MIL should attempt to control you or your dh.

Don’t factor in the inheritance into your financial future plans!

MIL could go first and leave it all to the step-father who could then marry a gold-digger.

Personally I don't agree with the idea of going NC like it's a big announcement. Just decide from now on you won't be there when DH visits or when she comes to yours, you won't correspond directly with her and she becomes DHs problem. However you may need to be in the same room as her at a child's party or for a Christmas meet up and for the sake of a few hours you can suck it up.

She sounds awful OP. It sounds like she is treating your DS the same way she treats you, not worse, but you are just more sensitive to it. I totally get it, my DS was very similar and at various times family members tried to 'sort him out' and to this day there are certain things that still make me angry to remember. They werent difficult like your MIL but uneducated about SEN and critical of my approach and basically thought they could do better although they hadnt a clue. Just make sure she isn't alone with him or making decisions. Dh may not want to confront her and I get that too, if he is able to tolerate her then i think you should respect that, but make it really really clear that he must fully understand DSs needs himself and knows he needs to intervene sometimes when his mother misunderstands DS and is behaving in a potentially harmful way. Also he has got to stop telling his Mum personal info, I'm sure you've already asked him but he needs to learn 'sorry Mum but I'd like to keep that private'.

Then perhaps it’s time to figure out whether you want to continue having a relationship with a man who is ok with this.

I couldn’t.

For me, I would just go NC wit her from now.

I think your DH is experiencing FOG with his mother. It may be some counselling would help or at least reading about toxic families.

I understand you wanting to keep your children from her. How old are they? Once they can see her for what she is, they will pull away too but ideally you need your DH to step up.

OP, I’d have lost my shit with her a long time ago and pulled away. She sounds a horrid individual and I wish you luck moving forwards.

Blimey, there's a lot going on here.

I suppose the idea of any sane, rational conversation is a non starter?

Could you and partner be on the same page?

Do not send her that message, you’ll just make her worse. With a nightmare person like this you ignore their antics, you don’t fan the flames. Ranting and telling her to fuck off may feel cathartic at the time but other posters are right, MIL will use it to paint you as an aggressive nutter bitch and herself as the poor victim who was only trying to help. It’s a trap and if you send that you’ve walked right into it.

Write your post out, get it all out of your system, pages and pages, then burn it. Understand that you cannot change her, you can only change how you react.

Put what’s gone before out of your mind, you cannot change it. But tackle every new instance head on. First of all put her on a strict information diet - both you and DH stop telling her things about your lives so she can’t interfere or impose her unwelcome opinion, limit phone calls to 5 minutes and only talk about the weather or the news, not your work, the DC or anything else you value. Second stop complying - if she orders you to send cards or flowers to someone just laugh and ignore. She sends you a pack of thank you cards with orders to send them to people laugh and send them back, or bin them, but don’t ever comply. She puts you down call her out on it at the time to her face every single time, if she tries to dictate your life laugh at her, tell her to mind her own business and remind her that her opinion is just that (opinions are like arseholes, everybody has one). If she’s rude to you in your home or criticises your kids order her to leave and not return until you have an apology. That sort of thing. She will develop mystery illnesses for sympathy, ignore it all.

Drop the rope means shrug and ignore it, stop allowing yourself to be sucked in and taking an emotional beating. Your MIL is a boat rocker, she's having fun causing drama and hurt and won't change or care about your MH no matter what you say. So say nothing, prioritise yourself and ignore her. There's a thing I found elsewhere a while ago about people like your MIL which you may find helpful, I'll post it in a tic.

Here's the fuckery op imagine you put up with the 🧹🧙‍♀️ 10 more years and your marriage is hanging on by a thread and boom he gets the inheritance and fucks off? After forcing you to endure this crap? It's clearly driving you wild.