3 strikes Mil - I am done with her and going no contact.

[NoContactMil]

I am done with my Mil. 3 strikes I’m out, and I will be going no contact really. She has negatively effected my mental health over the past 15 years and is the biggest problem in my marriage. I have name changed as I will likely send this to my Dh and his mother. I am sorry this is a long one.

Strike 1: She tries to dictate and control every aspect of my Dh’s / our lives from very small things to big things. She tries to control all family events and holidays. She treats us like we are incapable children. She wants to know everything, and does not think we are entitled to any privacy. If she doesn’t get her way she will use guilt trips, emotional blackmail, bribery and tantrums.
Examples:

1. She didn’t want us to have a baby and told Dh "I hope your not trying for a baby" after we got married. When Dh told her I was pregnant she was almost in tears on the phone asking how will we cope. She was also very against me breastfeeding. For the first month after having dc she would ring almost every day asking if I had stopped breastfeeding, and even told Dh if I stop breastfeeding she will buy him a perfect prep machine telling my husband “my friend started formula feeding and they and baby were much happier”.
2. When we have decided I will be a sahm because of the cost of travel and childcare. Mil told Dh I should just work because I need a job and even tried to bribe him by saying she will pay for part of nursery as my son will be better off in nursery.
3. She tries to pick out different jobs for Dh and even links him jobs. She got Dh's step father to tell him its nice he enjoys his job but he should be earning more to support his family (we are financially fine and have never asked them for money). The jobs she picks out don't even pay much better. They are just a lot closer to her. She even tried to suggest we buy Dh’s step fathers house he is selling that is round the corner from them (even telling Dh to send a thank you to him as he is trying to be helpful and we should be grateful).
4. She tried to get us to invite my Sil’s new boyfriend to our christening, I said no. Then Mil and Sil kept sending Dh messages saying we are being awful and they "don't deserve to be treated like this", and that my behaviour is not normal and that “we are tearing the family apart”. They even got Dh’s father involved offering to pay for the food if we invited him.
5. She is obsessed with what we spend our money on or how much we earn. She told my Dh the maximum amount he should spend on my engagement ring. She demanded to know how much we were going to donate at my sons Christening at the church in front of everyone. For my daughters christening she was hoovering over him watching as he donated the money. Comments why we bought things, or how much things cost. When I recently started a Phd she was demaning to know how much I being paid for doing it.
6. For family members birthdays she contacts Dh to make sure he sends cards and presents. Sometimes she even tries to pick the present he should get or tell him how much he should spend. She will contact dh many times reminding him and double checking he has done it. She does this if he goes to a friends wedding as well. This is the same for sending people flowers or than you cards. We were too busy to send thank you cards for gifts within a week after the birth of our son so she sent a pack of thank you cards in the post, telling us when we must send them. She does this for family news as well, telling him to text or call friends or family about things. Like you must call so and so to tell them about such and such. Or telling dh that he must send our wedding and christening invites / information to people by a certain time. Or that we must announce the birth on Facebook. She even told Dh who to send our baby scan pictures to.
7. When we visit for Christmas she would tell Dh I need to talk to other family members more, and I need to make an effort on Christmas day and dress up and wear make-up. You also would get woken up at 7am and told to come to living room in your pyjamas to open presents. I could go on and on - the whole day was controlled. For years it was always us going there for Christmas and boxing day. When we got our first house, the first time we were going to spend it with my parents her reply was "but it could be your grandmothers last Christmas".
8. She does not even think we are allowed medial privacy – she even asked Dh what vaginal exams I was having after giving birth. I could go on and on....

Strike 2: She will say nasty things all the time and in addition to her terrible behaviour. She will then gaslight and play the victim if you call her out on her behaviour. She will lie and deny a lot of the things I'm saying here.
Examples

1. My son has had a language delay and behaviour issues since the age of 1. She would constantly insinuate it was our fault asking things like “are we even talking to him” and pointing out his behaviour is “not normal”. One time commenting “don't you even know your own age” in an almost mocking way when he could not answer (dc was age 3). After he was diagnosed as being autistic we asked for an apology for her behaviour towards us all. Instead she denied she said any of it and said “how can you think that of me, an I wont tell step Fil that you think that of me”.
2. When we were were moving in together and DH was buying a house dh's step father sent an email to both of us insinuating I might be a gold digger so be careful, and make sure we both do what is right.
3. One weekend we said she couldn't visit because I was really ill with an infection (mastitis). She didn't visit for months and just sent texts implying we were stopping her from seeing her grandchild. She also looked for any minor excuse to try to blame him or scold him for something for months.
4. She will make comments about our appearance – like I should make an effort and wear makeup and I would look better. If Dh puts on a little weight, she tells him he needs to walk to work (5 miles away), only have 1 meal a day, asks if he is eating to much junk food, and when she visits touches his belly and makes comments.
5. She treats Bil wife better. When Bil's wife was in a car accident (did not need to go to hospital) she demanded we send her cards and flowers. When I was hospitalized for a week due to pneumonia while 25 weeks pregnant, I did not even get a message from Bil and Sil, never mind a card.
6. As we have gone more low contact over the years she is constantly saying my behaviour is “not normal”.

Strike 3: She tries to control people with money and is obsessed with money. And now she is trying to take some of Dh’s inheritence he got from his grandfather decades ago. Mil thinks Dh and his 2 siblings should pay towards her mothers (their grandmothers) burial and the debt she had when she died. Dh's grandmother had no money/ savings, no house/ estate when she died and the debt was overpaid pension and gas/ electric bill. My mil has over half a million in savings (i know because she recently sold 2 of her houses), and lives in a 5 bedroom house. We have two young children and live in a small 3 bedroom house and trying to save every penny for a bigger house. I have not been able to work for the previous 6 years because my son has been quite high needs.

AIBU to go zero contact, and send her this mumsnet post. Me and my children are not making any effort with her, not visiting her or staying at her house. She is not having unsupervised access to my children. My foot is down on this - she is Dh’s problem. Mil and Dh can complain all they like. It's if she wants to visit us she can, but if she tries to be manipulative or controlling, or point out what my children can’t do – then she won’t be seeing them at all. The only issue is do I supervise her when she is with my children as I can't trust Dh to do anything if she manipulate or insults our children. She will never change, she will just gaslight or play the victim, so I am done with her.

Don't send your MIL this post, she will only use it against you in some way or many ways even. Just keep a copy of it to remind yourself of all the reasons why you've gone no contact, it will help you strengthen your resolve. Show it to your husband and discuss it calmly with him only,

OP probably did need to write all that. She needed to vent.

100% if somebody made a thread about me I'm showing people lol

And the MIL is HIS mother...he should have been dealing with her all along and not allowing the situation to reach this point. To ridicule a little boy over his disabilities and difficulties...over my dead body. The DH should never have allowed this to happen in the first place.

This 👏

I have a friend whose Mil is very similar. She got to the stage your at and decided no contact would be the best for everyone. She discussed her intentions with her DH and it nearly cost her their marriage. He agreed her general behaviour was out of order. She didn't expect him to disagree strongly with no contact. His reasons were concerning the bigger extended family and how he would feel if he had to attend gatherings, Chrismas etc alone while the rest of the family were together including his mother. They ended up agreeing to have a serious chat with his mother voicing how her behaviour was affecting them. Long story short Mil burst into tears saying she agreed she was in the wrong & admitted she was jealous of her Dil. They eventually sorted it out by communicating with each other about boundaries & what they expected from each other going forward.

If you do decide on no contact OP I definitely wouldn't forward your post. The repercussions could be far worse.

This - just go no NC - but make sure you stick to it, don't react to any pressure from other family members.

Totally agree.

OP, can I ask what other people think of her? Do any of your friends know her?Do you have siblings who have witnessed this and understand your position? I’d like to know what she’s like with other people. She sounds a nightmare.

Don’t send this post. It will be used to bully you and the children further. She will send it to everyone in the family as evidence that you are awful and likely start a new story that you are abusing your h by being controlling. Is she one for fake tears and upset? Expect tears in spades and perhaps a “depression” because you’ve publicly attacked her.

Your biggest problem is your husband. He clearly accepted (liked?) being controlled (“mothered”) before he met you and I am not surprised that MIL is angry that you are trying to dismantle their unhealthy status quo that they were both happy with. MIL will only change if your h demands it but I’m guessing that he feels FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) so would rather upset you than her.

You can’t change MIL and I get the impression that your h doesn’t want to demand respect either. Power structures in place during childhood was always going to consider into adulthood. I’m guessing that BIL was the favourite child so he gets a different set of expectations and his gf will always be considered better than your husbands. If BIL has children then they will be the favourites.

Most people would have gone NC long ago. In your shoes, all you can do is protect the kids from her craziness. Your h might be fine with it but you know it’s fucked up.

If she's as narcissistic as you state she will probably put it all over social media.... I would just slowly stop contact. You don't have to have contact with her. She can communicate with you our Dh and the kids through your DH.

Yanno, while reading that, I knew you were going to say that one of your kids was autistic. Runs in families.

Do not send her this, she will use it against you. My mother fancies herself as a bit of a matriarch and extremely controlling. I've been NC for years, her need to be in control or she gets anxiety of things don't go exactly the way she expects man. It's exhausting, I have kids on the spectrum.

You can cut her off but you can't force your husband to cut her off and you can't stop him taking the kids to see her either really. If you want NC, you'll have to do the big family fallout.

YANBU to go no contact with this woman. YABU to prevent her from having a relationship with her grandchildren. It will have to be monitored by your DH and all contact will have to go through him. Set boundaries with your DH so that you are agreed on what is acceptable and what isn't.

This must be the third thread of yours that I've read in recent weeks about your MIL (despite the name change). Please, stop seeking validation that you are doing the right thing and cut the old witch off once and for all. She's taking up too much of your head space and it's making you miserable. You don't need to keep making threads about it. She's awful. Remove her from your life and move on. Showing her this thread won't help, she will never change - even if she ends up with nobody, it will never be her fault (in her eyes).
If your husband isn't supportive of this after all she has done, it's not just a MIL problem, it's a husband one.

I could have written this post about my MIL (and the rest of their toxic family). We went NC last September, the best decision we've ever made.

I got exhausted reading this post after about point 5.

Go NC and don’t give her the satisfaction of sending her this post

So how will you stop him taking them to see her, going at Christmas etc he's a parent to and if he's not in agreement all you can do is not speak to her or attend.

Yes I thought this as my mil and fil both seem to be identical to this in controlling behaviour. I met them 40 years ago. I thought is soooo weird at first and used to debate their odd / controlling / anxious behaviour at length with my very wise. & understanding parents . My mum never called them neurodivergent but she did all people are different and to accept them as they are and don't get to emotionally involved. Since then realised Bil and nephew also on spectrum lining up cars / don't like to stay away from home / can't face people/ bd social skills.

Now older and wiser and I look in from the outside.. they can't help the way they are.. it just stay polite but very emotionally uninvested. My mum and dad passed recently and I've never felt so misunderstood by my in-laws ( you don't want to talk about losing your mum / threw a hissy fit over new neighbours parking one inch over boundary as I came in from funeral parlour/ epileptic son fell and cut head... she couldn't cope and ran to top of garden with husband (grandad) and husband went to comfort THEM!!! Instead of supporting me getting crud out of son's head.

I decided they were either evil or autistic..went for the latter.. they just can't cope.

I on the other hand am very well equipped to handle crisies.. good job really.

You can't argue or change this situation..distance yourself 🩷

This.

You and your husband need to go to counselling so you can talk about this with a neutral third party. otherwise it will destroy your marriage and your MIL will have won.

He needs to step up and deal with his mother’s toxic behaviour and protect his wife and child. But he may need professional support to deal with the fear, obligation and guilt.

This is the right response. Going no contact if your husband isn’t prepared to do so with you will cause a huge reaction. Sending her this post will cause a huge reaction. Just be very dull. If she asks to see you all and you don’t feel like going, you can say.

‘We have a play date/cinema date/shopping day/visiting friends planned today, thanks for the invite anyway’

Wouldnt t send anything, just go low to no contact. Tbh what she said to your ds would make me go no contact.

However i dont see why you wouldnt invite your sils boyfriend to christening. Seems odd however nee he is, or was.

Exactly why my friends DH disagreed strongly with no contact. He insisted on the children keeping in touch with their grandmother & the rest of his family. He said it would be my friend who would end up out on a limb feeling like the odd one out while the rest were happily getting along. In the end the only thing that sorted the situation out for my friend was being up front & honest with Mil with her DH supporting her during the discussion.

YANBU to cut off toxic MIL and YANBU to think she’s too toxic for your DC.

However, sending her this thread will allow her to play the victim and make you look batshit.

Silence is deafening. Keep the moral high ground by refusing to engage. When she sends Flying Monkeys to tell you how awful you are and how upset she is, you say you aren’t prepared to discuss it. She will then develop The Mystery Illness so prepare yourself (and DH) for that. You just have to stand firm.

It sounds like DH will continue to have contact so he needs to know that he’s not to discuss your personal business with her. Will he have your back? Will he accept you keeping DC safe from her?

Does she live close by? Can you move farther away?

Threads like this make me really worried how much relationship will be with my DIL. Not because OP is in the wrong but because I hope I don’t turn out like OP’s MIL!

OP, did you already post about the paying for the funeral? Theres already a thread on here about that, though I suspect that’s probably you.

You not only have a mil problem. You have a husband problem too!!