3 strikes Mil - I am done with her and going no contact.

[NoContactMil]

I am done with my Mil. 3 strikes I’m out, and I will be going no contact really. She has negatively effected my mental health over the past 15 years and is the biggest problem in my marriage. I have name changed as I will likely send this to my Dh and his mother. I am sorry this is a long one.

Strike 1: She tries to dictate and control every aspect of my Dh’s / our lives from very small things to big things. She tries to control all family events and holidays. She treats us like we are incapable children. She wants to know everything, and does not think we are entitled to any privacy. If she doesn’t get her way she will use guilt trips, emotional blackmail, bribery and tantrums.
Examples:

1. She didn’t want us to have a baby and told Dh "I hope your not trying for a baby" after we got married. When Dh told her I was pregnant she was almost in tears on the phone asking how will we cope. She was also very against me breastfeeding. For the first month after having dc she would ring almost every day asking if I had stopped breastfeeding, and even told Dh if I stop breastfeeding she will buy him a perfect prep machine telling my husband “my friend started formula feeding and they and baby were much happier”.
2. When we have decided I will be a sahm because of the cost of travel and childcare. Mil told Dh I should just work because I need a job and even tried to bribe him by saying she will pay for part of nursery as my son will be better off in nursery.
3. She tries to pick out different jobs for Dh and even links him jobs. She got Dh's step father to tell him its nice he enjoys his job but he should be earning more to support his family (we are financially fine and have never asked them for money). The jobs she picks out don't even pay much better. They are just a lot closer to her. She even tried to suggest we buy Dh’s step fathers house he is selling that is round the corner from them (even telling Dh to send a thank you to him as he is trying to be helpful and we should be grateful).
4. She tried to get us to invite my Sil’s new boyfriend to our christening, I said no. Then Mil and Sil kept sending Dh messages saying we are being awful and they "don't deserve to be treated like this", and that my behaviour is not normal and that “we are tearing the family apart”. They even got Dh’s father involved offering to pay for the food if we invited him.
5. She is obsessed with what we spend our money on or how much we earn. She told my Dh the maximum amount he should spend on my engagement ring. She demanded to know how much we were going to donate at my sons Christening at the church in front of everyone. For my daughters christening she was hoovering over him watching as he donated the money. Comments why we bought things, or how much things cost. When I recently started a Phd she was demaning to know how much I being paid for doing it.
6. For family members birthdays she contacts Dh to make sure he sends cards and presents. Sometimes she even tries to pick the present he should get or tell him how much he should spend. She will contact dh many times reminding him and double checking he has done it. She does this if he goes to a friends wedding as well. This is the same for sending people flowers or than you cards. We were too busy to send thank you cards for gifts within a week after the birth of our son so she sent a pack of thank you cards in the post, telling us when we must send them. She does this for family news as well, telling him to text or call friends or family about things. Like you must call so and so to tell them about such and such. Or telling dh that he must send our wedding and christening invites / information to people by a certain time. Or that we must announce the birth on Facebook. She even told Dh who to send our baby scan pictures to.
7. When we visit for Christmas she would tell Dh I need to talk to other family members more, and I need to make an effort on Christmas day and dress up and wear make-up. You also would get woken up at 7am and told to come to living room in your pyjamas to open presents. I could go on and on - the whole day was controlled. For years it was always us going there for Christmas and boxing day. When we got our first house, the first time we were going to spend it with my parents her reply was "but it could be your grandmothers last Christmas".
8. She does not even think we are allowed medial privacy – she even asked Dh what vaginal exams I was having after giving birth. I could go on and on....

Strike 2: She will say nasty things all the time and in addition to her terrible behaviour. She will then gaslight and play the victim if you call her out on her behaviour. She will lie and deny a lot of the things I'm saying here.
Examples

1. My son has had a language delay and behaviour issues since the age of 1. She would constantly insinuate it was our fault asking things like “are we even talking to him” and pointing out his behaviour is “not normal”. One time commenting “don't you even know your own age” in an almost mocking way when he could not answer (dc was age 3). After he was diagnosed as being autistic we asked for an apology for her behaviour towards us all. Instead she denied she said any of it and said “how can you think that of me, an I wont tell step Fil that you think that of me”.
2. When we were were moving in together and DH was buying a house dh's step father sent an email to both of us insinuating I might be a gold digger so be careful, and make sure we both do what is right.
3. One weekend we said she couldn't visit because I was really ill with an infection (mastitis). She didn't visit for months and just sent texts implying we were stopping her from seeing her grandchild. She also looked for any minor excuse to try to blame him or scold him for something for months.
4. She will make comments about our appearance – like I should make an effort and wear makeup and I would look better. If Dh puts on a little weight, she tells him he needs to walk to work (5 miles away), only have 1 meal a day, asks if he is eating to much junk food, and when she visits touches his belly and makes comments.
5. She treats Bil wife better. When Bil's wife was in a car accident (did not need to go to hospital) she demanded we send her cards and flowers. When I was hospitalized for a week due to pneumonia while 25 weeks pregnant, I did not even get a message from Bil and Sil, never mind a card.
6. As we have gone more low contact over the years she is constantly saying my behaviour is “not normal”.

Strike 3: She tries to control people with money and is obsessed with money. And now she is trying to take some of Dh’s inheritence he got from his grandfather decades ago. Mil thinks Dh and his 2 siblings should pay towards her mothers (their grandmothers) burial and the debt she had when she died. Dh's grandmother had no money/ savings, no house/ estate when she died and the debt was overpaid pension and gas/ electric bill. My mil has over half a million in savings (i know because she recently sold 2 of her houses), and lives in a 5 bedroom house. We have two young children and live in a small 3 bedroom house and trying to save every penny for a bigger house. I have not been able to work for the previous 6 years because my son has been quite high needs.

AIBU to go zero contact, and send her this mumsnet post. Me and my children are not making any effort with her, not visiting her or staying at her house. She is not having unsupervised access to my children. My foot is down on this - she is Dh’s problem. Mil and Dh can complain all they like. It's if she wants to visit us she can, but if she tries to be manipulative or controlling, or point out what my children can’t do – then she won’t be seeing them at all. The only issue is do I supervise her when she is with my children as I can't trust Dh to do anything if she manipulate or insults our children. She will never change, she will just gaslight or play the victim, so I am done with her.

As PPs all say- drop the rope. Don’t argue. Just fade quietly away.

She won’t change
She won’t suddenly realise she’s behaved badly and apologise
There is nothing to win, here.

Just quietly back away.

Where do you think your DC’s autism comes from? She may well be ND and have a bunch of really bad strategies to manage it.

Step away gracefully keeping the upper hand and control op

Don't send her anything to use as leverage it's really not worth anymore of your mental time or health

Your v angry at her and the best thing you can do for yourself is disengage from her

If she doesn't tend to see the children much and your not facilitating any meet ups I can guarantee the distance will get wider and it will stop

I had years of my in laws behaving like this and manipulating but dh was always on the fence in how to deal with it.

I had a falling out with one of them many years ago now as I stood up to them and it changed things.
They stopped being so controlling and turning up all the time.
It took dh a while to realise how toxic they were to be around and after a couple of comments made by mil to the dc about me not being nice to Fil dh flipped his lid and realised how manipulating they are.

They didn't speak for months and the wool fell from his eyes

We now hardly see them and if we do it will be after they've asked if we are around first.

They have no input in our lives and they don't really bother the the teens now funnily enough.

Much better all round

You need to learn to walk away, don’t engage with her, don’t tell her anything about your life so that she can’t nitpick, don’t answer her questions, ignore texts/phone calls, don’t visit for Christmas, just grey rock her. Let your DH deal with her.

Your DH is either a doormat or he’s so used to her behaviour that it’s like water off a duck’s back. She’s a narcissistic personality and you will never get through to this type of person that aspects of their behaviour is unacceptable.

Don’t share this thread, nothing good will come of it, and all she’s likely to do is make herself a username and come on this thread and blast you to pieces.

I have been NC with my narcissistic DM for years now and life has been so peaceful that I wonder why I didn’t wake up and walk away earlier. Sometimes the best revenge is to walk away and let the silence ring in her ears.

She does sound very controlling.

But you are also sounding controlling but telling your DH what he can and can’t do with his own kids.

If you want to go no contact, then that’s fine but you can’t stop DH or your kids if that’s what he wants.

You sound like you have a DH problem though.
Half of the things you’ve said involve her asking for information and DH needs to just not give it.

You say she demands that you buy cards and flowers etc but you don’t actually have to do these things.
If DH does them then that’s his problem.

It seems you and MIL are butting heads when there is a grown man in the middle who can speak for himself and make his own decisions.
If he wants mummy telling him what to do all of the time then that’s his choice.

Of course you should reduce her impact on your life but you also need to tell your DH that he isn't to bring up her complaints. Change the subject anytime he tells you what drama is family is having. You can't stop him taking the children to see her though.

No don’t be childish and dramatic. No need to send her this.

If you sent her this she would be thrilled and delighted to show everyone how unhinged and dramatic you are. It could turn sour very quickly…. And all you end up doing is making her happy that she’s finally cracked you.

just go grey rock, and be quiet and vague at all times. Uninteresting and uninterested! She’ll HATE it and it’ll do you all good to detach yourselves

Don’t send her the post. If someone sent me a letter calling me out for my shortcomings and referring to things as strike 1, 2 and 3 would make me feel embarrassed for them.

Just go on as you intend to and let your husband deal with his mother and the fallout. He should have stepped in way before now.

I massively empathise with the worry you have around your DH allowing your children to be around his mother. That is really your problem here. Do you feel that your DH understands your concerns? Can you communicate well with him? What has happened when you've shared your concerns with him before?

This is really about your relationship with your DH and how you both agree to parent moving forwards. Of course, it is a no brainer for you personally to reduce/cut contact with MIL. That's what's best for you.

You really want to send it don't you?
DON'T

If you send this email to her you're just giving her the opportunity/ammunition to share selected snippets with her f&f and reinforce her view that she wants to circulate that you're the problem she's having difficulties.

Just drop the rope. Be unavailable. Block her on SM. Live your best life. Let DH deal with her as long as he gives her no further info about your life. Job done.

I would also suggest in terms of autism that her need for control of all factors in her sons life may come from a need to control interactions she doesn't understand unless she chooses them.

I think you have a dh problem for allowing it and then repeating it to you.

Are they not his children too or do you think that a father has no say in his children's lives?

Exactly people HATE being ignored/silence remove them.off social media/block this is husbands job to speak to her.

Absolutely. Counter her drama with your calm.

Oh, it's you again. I don't think she'll need to look far to find your other user name.

True. You can't argue with silence. People who have personalities like your MiL's hate that a lot more.

You sound quite dramatic yourself

I started doing it a decade ago no arguments, no drama just act as if they don't exist because eventually they will run out of steam because I'm not feeding them

These situations can lead to a day or 2 of insanity it's best she did it here than to mil 😂😂

It’s interesting you say your son is autistic as I was barely half of the way through reading while thinking that her high levels of anxiety, her huge need to control things/the environment, and her lack of social filter in conversation all point very strongly to the fact that she herself is neurodivergent.

you don't have a MIL problem you have a DH problem as he won't stand up to her

They are also his children.

Good point about written evidence. She will show it to everyone she knows and you will be the bad guy.

Ignoring all the other world of shit in your post, I'm pretty sure if someone dies with debts and no money / assets left to pay it up it just gets written off. Relatives are not responsible for paying the deceased's debts (unless they've become a guarantor etc)

Another one who has a DH problem not a MIL problem.

He should have been redirecting or putting a stop to her intrusive questions and behaviour a long time ago.