MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

[cj2796]

NC for this.

I’ve just returned to work after a years maternity leave. I’ve condensed my days down to 4, to allow me a day to spend quality time with my baby while she’s still little. I have older children so weekends are manic with their activities.

My DP works away most of the time so 99% of the day to day stuff for LO, nursery drop offs/collections etc fall to me. It’s been hard returning to work and managing all this on my own.. anyway…

My MIL works part time and has the same day off in the week as I do. She’s asked to have LO every week on this day.

I have thanked her very kindly for offering, but explained that I have condensed my days to have that particular day off to spend with LO. I did say that if she likes she could have baby once a month on that day?

This went ignored and I’ve been told now by DP that I’ve upset MIL and that she thinks I am being “selfish with the baby”.

Incase it is relevant they live almost 2 hours away so it’s not exactly close either. I try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

My DP says my MIL just really loves baby and wants to help. But I’ve explained what would be helpful/work for us and it’s gone ignored and now I’ve upset her?

DP had suggested I move my days around at work or drop a day at nursery/change days to allow MIL to have LO weekly on this particular day. I’ve explained to him that with the nursery contract I’ve signed, if I drop a day we are liable to lose our place as they reserve the right to do this (if someone wants full time or 4 days it would taken precedence, it’s only a small nursery). I had to put her name down when she was born as places are few and far between round here!

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.

If we were to split up and needed to come to arrangements between us surely that wouldn’t include his parents? Wouldn’t it be both our working schedules considered plus little ones schedule and what is best for her? I don’t see it being fair that I would be doing the bulk of running around and then on my days off I don’t get to have my little one? And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

I just need help with how to word a response without falling out with anyone. Or am I wrong?

My friend said her MIL became obsessed with needing “alone time” with her baby, and it caused a big falling out. Which I really don’t want the same!

Thanks

Just to add as well, my DP isn't contributing towards my day off. Our split of bills is staying the same, so I'm just financially losing out myself to spend that extra bit with my daughter.

The house we live in is mine and we aren't married, so the mortgage is mine.

I earn pretty well so the financial cost of nursery isn't something I'm getting upset about, the stability of being able to go about my day stress free and know my daughter is safe and looked after us priceless.

Never thought of that. I didn't think there was such a thing as grandparents rights?

Even so, we live hours away and my daughter will be going to school here, her siblings are here. Her life is here?

If we split and MIL got "rights" how would they take her to school etc living so far away?

Surely a court wouldn't take away our family time on the weekend when I work all week, and her free time with her siblings (which works out 2 weekends a month) to facilitate the grandparents?

I'd definitely be going back to work 5 days when she starts school if not before, will just see how things go!

I'd tell MIL/DP that the court won't give 50/50 to a man who is away 99% of the time. Contact time is what's best for the child, not the grandparents.

See how the twat likes that.

She's controlling and domineering by the sounds of it. Your husband sounds used to her getting her own way all the time. He needs to back you up. Of course priority should be for the baby to have quality time with their mum over the grandparents!! Also, if you split then the custody arrangements are between the PARENTS and what is in the best interests of the child. Ignore her, she sounds like a bully also, trying to scare you into thinking that you have to do what she says. She sounds a bit toxic....

There are no formal grandparent rights at all

I didn't think there was such a thing as grandparents rights?

Seems very straightforward to me.
You absolutely do not change your days, this is your day with your baby. If she is so fussed, SHE is the one that can change her days.
So, you have her every friday (or whatever day it is you have), and MIL can have her on Thursdays (or whatever). If you will lose the nursery place, then you need to keep paying for the 4 days, and it also gives you cover if MIL can't turn up or whatever. I think on that one you are being churlish saying no, if MIL is able to move her days. You would be paying for that anyway, and family is always better than nursery in my book, unless there is something wrong with the person!

Overnights without parents would be a no from me until the child is at least 18 months old, if not older (basically, until they stop breastfeeding and needing that emotional support in the night).
The stuff about 'if you separate' is really mean and irrelevant at this stage - so I would shut that down straight away. Maybe a judge would grant you full custody, or he would only get weekends or whatever, and would have to give time to his parents from that!

Hate to go "lawyer" on this (I'm not a family lawyer!) but I agree with some comments that she's potentially setting up the post-breakup routine and the baby knowing her house and being comfortable staying over.

I think saying she's trying to obtain grandparent rights is perhaps too far.

I think you should focus on working on things with your partner and stay positive BUT the fact he knows in detail how he'd arrange things if you broke up? I don't know my BILs work schedule and he's been with my sister since I was 18. Men don't pay that much attention - to have worked out in detail when MIL/FIL and SIL/BIL would have her 100% smells like he's spoken to them about this IF it were to happen. It's hard when you involve family in relationship troubles then go back to working on the relationship because they don't then see all the good times, they just remember all the complaining you did. Hence why despite a previously good relationship, MIL is now randomly suggesting you're being difficult? Don't let it spoil your relationship, but keep an eye on that.

My MIL was exactly the same as yours OP and I found it devastating how often she tried to take my baby off me. All under the guise of "helping" even when I was firm I didnt want her to take DC away. It still upsets me now.

One thing I will say is that I firmly said no - or just ignored her requests - but never caused an all out argument about it. I also got my DH to support my wishes.

Now my DC is a toddler. She still adores DC and tries to play mummy... But it doesn't work because DC will push past her to get a hug from me, shout "mummy!" constantly. Bring me toys, flowers etc even when MIL tries to divert her and say DC wants to give them to her, not me.

I also think PIL have realised a toddler is exhausting and actually after a day with us they're shattered and don't want her overnight. When DC was a baby the requests for overnight were CONSTANT - but I never agreed to them.

So basically, this won't be a long term arrangement. It's devastating - but if you want to keep the peace, stand your ground or just, frankly, ignore her. I'd send a white lie to shut her up, something like:

"Thank you, it's so lovely you want to help. Unfortunately DC has just started becoming violently carsick. The doctors have said to limit her time in the car as it could be dangerous for choking at her age. So I'm not comfortable with her spending so long in the car. Happy for you to come and see her at weekends at ours of course. Hope you're keeping well"

1. Your baby is not a possession
2. If she was a possession, she belongs to you, not MIL!

You've been more than reasonable, if she can't accept that it's her problem.

Your MIL is manipulative and bonkers. What is best for the baby is to be enjoying your days off with you. What is not best for the baby is 4 hours in a car to appease an adult who should know better that to expect it. This is the thin edge of a very fat wedge. MIL has no rights; put your foot down !

She's not trying to help.

To help is to make it easier or possible for (someone) to do something by offering one's services or resources.

Her help isn't making anything easier or possible and nor is shellfish or causing friction in your relationship.

You don't need nor do you want her help.

I would say..
Thank you for your kind offer but it doesn't work for me.

If DH has a problem then he can accommodate his mum but I wouldn't reduce her hours at nursery, change your working week or give up your 1:1 time.

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”

For that comment alone I'd tell her to do one.

I can't understand these Grans who are desperate to have baby on their own. A nice Gran would maybe offer to pop over on your day off and all ha e luch together etc, or travel to have baby at your house if needed. Forget these 4 hour round trips then going to work or whatever

The word "compromise" has no business in this conversation.

It would be relevant if you wanted MIL to have the baby and MIL wanted to have the baby but you didn't agree when.

It's absolutely irrelevant when MIL wants something you don't want.

For the record, if he wanted 50/50 but then won’t actually be providing that care himself that makes a massive difference to the courts. They won’t uproot a young child away from their nursery/ school/ mother/ family two hours away every week so an uncle or grandmother can do the childcare. So I would say he’s absolutely dreaming and it’s quite shocking how he apparently had that figured all out.

I think a PP hit the nail on the head.

When MIL or anyone is saying they just want to "help".

Well come over then and actually give me some practical support. Do some washing, cook some tea or unpack my dishwasher... oh that's right...

I don't need or want a "break" from my baby. You aren't helping me by trying to take her away right now.

"My DP is insisting that they just want to help..."
Well its not helpful, its not kind, its not what the baby needs. Its bullying.

Reply to H.
"I want to spend time with her, Me, her Mother
I am far from happy she envisions driving baby home weekly after 4 hours driving in the am. & a day caring for her, then drive back in the rush hour & dark in winter, with another 2 to get home.
8 hours ridiculous.
She will not be having her overnight.
It doesn't work. & now she's manipulating you, when you're not even around most of the time to understand the logistics. You need to have my back.
She'll have to suck it up.
I am not talking about this any more"

Just what kind of partner is he, if he works away 99% of the time? That does not sound like a partnership to me, and he does not get to second guess you from a distance.
Your decisions stand, and don't fall over yourself to accomodate MIL

Is the split still hypothetical or something that is likely to happen? If you do split and he still pursues 50/50 then he can do as he wishes in terms of childcare on those days he has her. It's his responsibility to get her to school and clubs etc.

As it stands, your mil demanding days in order to prepare you for a split makes me wonder if he's preparing for a split you're not aware of?

Not a very good one, or present one anyway, a lot of the time.

It's not a career he can have forever, so I suck it up.

I could be wrong, but I almost feel that because my DP works away a lot, my MIL almost feels entitled to "his" time with baby if that makes sense?

She’s being ridiculous. He can take a day off work himself and share that with his Mum.

The baby is much better off being with you than his Mum on that day.

If she wants surely she can change her own day off, and drive to you to pick up the baby and spend some time with the baby near to where you live/ at your house?

Is he a sportsperson or something?

I’m pretty sure he would not get 50% custody if he’s not going to be there to give the care himself!