MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

[cj2796]

NC for this.

I’ve just returned to work after a years maternity leave. I’ve condensed my days down to 4, to allow me a day to spend quality time with my baby while she’s still little. I have older children so weekends are manic with their activities.

My DP works away most of the time so 99% of the day to day stuff for LO, nursery drop offs/collections etc fall to me. It’s been hard returning to work and managing all this on my own.. anyway…

My MIL works part time and has the same day off in the week as I do. She’s asked to have LO every week on this day.

I have thanked her very kindly for offering, but explained that I have condensed my days to have that particular day off to spend with LO. I did say that if she likes she could have baby once a month on that day?

This went ignored and I’ve been told now by DP that I’ve upset MIL and that she thinks I am being “selfish with the baby”.

Incase it is relevant they live almost 2 hours away so it’s not exactly close either. I try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

My DP says my MIL just really loves baby and wants to help. But I’ve explained what would be helpful/work for us and it’s gone ignored and now I’ve upset her?

DP had suggested I move my days around at work or drop a day at nursery/change days to allow MIL to have LO weekly on this particular day. I’ve explained to him that with the nursery contract I’ve signed, if I drop a day we are liable to lose our place as they reserve the right to do this (if someone wants full time or 4 days it would taken precedence, it’s only a small nursery). I had to put her name down when she was born as places are few and far between round here!

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.

If we were to split up and needed to come to arrangements between us surely that wouldn’t include his parents? Wouldn’t it be both our working schedules considered plus little ones schedule and what is best for her? I don’t see it being fair that I would be doing the bulk of running around and then on my days off I don’t get to have my little one? And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

I just need help with how to word a response without falling out with anyone. Or am I wrong?

My friend said her MIL became obsessed with needing “alone time” with her baby, and it caused a big falling out. Which I really don’t want the same!

Thanks

This with bells on.

I wish I'd had the confidence to say this to my MIL when I had my first.

OP, from what it sounds like, you're got your life and your time sorted and it's working for you.

Under no circumstances should you change this to suit your MIL.

Stick to your guns. Your daughter will thank you when she's older.

Enjoy your time with her! They're only little for a short time x

I have four grandchildren, aged 5 and 8 with one daughter and 6 and 9 with our other daughter.
when the first baby was due we said we’d cover child care one day a week, expecting more children to follow, as they did. Our ‘baby’ day soon included 4. As they grew, we did nursery/preschool/primary pick up. I’m still doing one day a week school pick up and ‘emergencies’.
We are very ordinary in our friendship group in helping out. Child care so expensive and it’s so good to have ongoing time with them as they grow.

your mil is being totally unreasonable. If she wants to help she’d arrange that on another day. Accusing you of being selfish with your baby is bonkers and nasty.

grandparents have no legal rights. Children have rights, adults duties and responsibilities. Have I picked up that your relationship is wobbly? I’d be cautious that she may be trying to establish a pattern of your baby spending regular time so if your relationship folds she can offer her home as the continuity place.
Grannies usually dote on their grandchildren. There’s a difference between doting and unrealistic, selfish expectations.

They’re deluded. Contact time is to facilitate his time with his child, not to farm them out to family members because he’s not available. No court is going to award 50/50 to him on the basis you describe. And the distance involved would cause havoc with schooling. It’s just nonsense.

My spidey sense are now tingling that the reason she is so desperate for this is to establish a pattern of care in the event of a split. Otherwise why would she be unhappy about 1 day a month? I've also offered for her to join us on some of my days off for soft play or toddler group. But the focus is very much on being "alone" with DD.

FWIW, my DP and I are in a really good place. He appreciates that I am doing the hard yards with LO, in order to support his career path. No split happening that I am aware of now... lots of things were said in anger at the time. I said he'd have to pay child support, hence where the "well I'm going to have 50/50 and this is how I'll do it" thing came from.

I just think he very much tries to please his parents, doesn't like to upset them. They're very close and he feels he had the best childhood/upbringing in the world and he owes it all to his parents.

It is not your job to facilitate contact with your parents in law and your grand children. You are already doing them a favour by meeting half way etc. in your shoes I would say they can come down any time they want over the weekend and leave it at that. . If you separated, then you and your DH would work out a custody plan and with him working away I imagine it would be mostly you and with video calls and the occasional weekend/holiday. It is for your DH to facilitate contact then too, it's not your job.

Do you want to be with him still?

If he claims to be aware and grateful that you run the household while he works away then he doesn't get to tell you how to do that. He either fits in and supports you or leaves.

Why is he so keen not to upset his parents but is OK with them upsetting you?

The modern meaning of selfish is ironic: "you're selfish for not indulging my unreasonable demands"

Her requests are not practical so that's a no. You have a set up that works for you.

Is she likely to sabbotage the relationship? She certainly doesn't seem to have benign intents, so be careful with any information she could weponise.

"Grandparents rights" are not a thing. In the event of a split, that's for the parent to facilitate in their own time.

At least she's conveniently distanced from you which reduces her scope for practical interference.

I'm honestly so outraged on your behalf while also relieved to hear you're standing your ground and are in a secure place financially and professionally. I had a very domineering MIL and her 'help' was exactly like you're describing - nothing practical at all, only cuddles with her grandson and an endless amount of Instagram posts (which I explicitly objected to - I've never even posted a pic of him on social media myself!) For the record it sounds like you're handling everything perfectly despite the pressure she and your partner are putting on - I'm in awe!

I asked my OH to confirm as well- he didn't have weekly sleepovers or days with his grandparents when he was growing up. They lived close by so he would go after school sometimes when his parents were working. Occasional weekends there if parents were working too. His GP never had him overnight on a weekly basis.

You beat me to it!!!! I was going to suggest this. I'm not even joking 😂

My spidey sense are now tingling that the reason she is so desperate for this is to establish a pattern of care in the event of a split. Otherwise why would she be unhappy about 1 day a month? I've also offered for her to join us on some of my days off for soft play or toddler group. But the focus is very much on being "alone" with DD.

I think your spidey senses are spot on. I wouldn't even fix one day a month - I'd keep it fluid and not too often. She can stuff her 'alone' time.

I don't get why I'm being guilted and called selfish and I don't want to massively put myself out, change my arrangements that work for my family, and my baby, cause myself extra stress, just so my MIL can have "alone time" every week with MY child?!?

Because she is pushing your boundaries and being manipulative.

This clearly doesn't work for you. There is no way in hell I would have let my MIL or anyone, really, take my baby for two hour drives on a regular basis. Just from a purely statistical point of view it's putting the baby at risk unnecessarily, and imagine if something happened (this is my thinking, not saying it's normal, but I really didn't like being separated from my babies when they were little.)

Making comments about your relationship is also well and truly a boundary crossing for me. She needs to back off. You aren't getting anywhere being reasonably so it's time to be extremely firm and pull up your own boundaries.

She needs to be a grandmother which means supporting you and the baby, not trying to take over and certainly not telling you you're the selfish one - it's your baby, your life, your arrangements with three children and a job to balance. She's being utterly ridiculous and I would not budge an inch.

I said he'd have to pay child support, hence where the "well I'm going to have 50/50 and this is how I'll do it" thing came from.

But he knew he wouldn't be able to fulfil 50/50.

I think this indication that he would resent paying for his child should make you treat him with suspicion.

Don't put him on your mortgage.

Make sure he pays his share of everything, don't go easy on him.

I wouldn't worry at all OP. Even if she looked after baby every single week, she lives too far away when baby starts school. No court is going to force a child to drive 2 hours after school to visit Grandma for a couple of hours or put a baby in a car for four hours, missing out on much needed time with Mum. If your partner wants 50/50 he needs to find a suitable job close to your child's school and nursery so HE can parent his child. He needs to grow up. It sounds like you have your side sorted financially OP, but I'd be asking him whether he is ready to grow up and support you or separate. Stand firm.

Too bad. Buy her a Baby Alive for Christmas.

@BogRollBOGOF you beat me to it! A lot of the time selfish means: you aren’t doing exactly what l want, when l want it. Which is just one of things in life. She is very out of order, l suggest you ask you partner to put her back in box or you will do it. Your child = your rules. 4 hours round trip is a lot for a baby. Plus why do you have to do the changing of the work days etc. Your MIL and partner don’t seem willing to this themselves

Plus grandparents rights don’t really exist

What was said to me at the time by him (so I've no idea if this has come from them or just something DP has decided). Was that he'd be having 50/50 custody. But as he admittedly wouldn't be able to do 50% himself due to being away with work, that LO would be going to his Mum and Dads, and sister and BIL's on "his" days. He even mentioned certain days that BIL is off work and would have LO. My BIL has seen the baby twice btw.

Bollocks.

It would nee dto be a lot more than one day a week for her to be eligible for "grandparent" rights in the event of a split.

I think you[re right though - she thinks that SHE should have the time your DP is NOT having.

Fine - but then I assume she'll be available for those middle of the night feeds and wake ups? And to do bed and bathtime, in her own bed? And will be moving to be closer to you because obviously you can't have her travelling for hours every time she has contact?

He doesn't sound great even if you think you are now in a good place. He should support you on this. To be honest I'd just draw back for a while and let him sort out his mum seeing the baby. Stop facilitating the relationship so much. You seem very level headed but you are running yourself ragged to appease everyone whilst keeping all the plates spinning.

I have actually known someone whose ex got 50-50 with his parents doing the care. She was distraught, got no financial help and the ex continued on with his life as usual. It was awful and can happen.

My own mum & step dad took my baby/ toddler one day a week and travelled 2 hours each way to do it (in my house). They really wanted to do it and it was great. Continued until he was 8 or so (collecting him from school). They got to see him, he loved it, it took the pressure off visits at other times and made my work life easier (no cut off collections on that day). If she would swap her days and travel to you and nursery would drop a day could work..lots of ifs. Would not have allowed a sleepover though. Not until he was much older. We never did though because they came here…

Grandparents have no legal rights.

She's batshit. And selfish.

My DP is welcome to have 50/50 if we split up. (Although I don't think realistically overnights would be until baby is a bit older!)

I do 50/50 with my ex husband and it's fine, no maintenance either way (actually works out financially better for me as when we first split I was paying all childcare/wrap around as the main carer and his CM didn't even cover "his" half! Let alone other costs... anyway that's a whole different story)

He lives close enough that it works wjth schooling etc. children are happy. I miss them terribly of course. It's not ideal I'd love to have them every day. But it's life and it works and they're happy.

If myself and DP split, he's welcome to 50/50 but he'd have to make it work with his living arrangements and schooling, if he wants his family to have DC on his time then they'd need to be able to maintain this also, I couldn't see them moving though?

And tbh if they were traipsing up and down the motorway for 4 hours a day with my child to and from school I'd be seriously concerned about my child's well-being and it would be something I'd be speaking to a solicitor about...

I agree he doesn't sound great. And he can be selfish too. Unfortunately I do love him and he has many good qualities too.

It’s not you causing the rift it’s her and your spineless H

It’s MILs like this who give us MIL a bad name ! I am a MIL and Granny and happy to help out but having raised 3 DC , I have no interest in being anything other than a doting Granny . This obsession that some Grandparents have with alone time with their DGC honestly baffles me and I don’t think it’s healthy .