MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

[cj2796]

NC for this.

I’ve just returned to work after a years maternity leave. I’ve condensed my days down to 4, to allow me a day to spend quality time with my baby while she’s still little. I have older children so weekends are manic with their activities.

My DP works away most of the time so 99% of the day to day stuff for LO, nursery drop offs/collections etc fall to me. It’s been hard returning to work and managing all this on my own.. anyway…

My MIL works part time and has the same day off in the week as I do. She’s asked to have LO every week on this day.

I have thanked her very kindly for offering, but explained that I have condensed my days to have that particular day off to spend with LO. I did say that if she likes she could have baby once a month on that day?

This went ignored and I’ve been told now by DP that I’ve upset MIL and that she thinks I am being “selfish with the baby”.

Incase it is relevant they live almost 2 hours away so it’s not exactly close either. I try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

My DP says my MIL just really loves baby and wants to help. But I’ve explained what would be helpful/work for us and it’s gone ignored and now I’ve upset her?

DP had suggested I move my days around at work or drop a day at nursery/change days to allow MIL to have LO weekly on this particular day. I’ve explained to him that with the nursery contract I’ve signed, if I drop a day we are liable to lose our place as they reserve the right to do this (if someone wants full time or 4 days it would taken precedence, it’s only a small nursery). I had to put her name down when she was born as places are few and far between round here!

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.

If we were to split up and needed to come to arrangements between us surely that wouldn’t include his parents? Wouldn’t it be both our working schedules considered plus little ones schedule and what is best for her? I don’t see it being fair that I would be doing the bulk of running around and then on my days off I don’t get to have my little one? And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

I just need help with how to word a response without falling out with anyone. Or am I wrong?

My friend said her MIL became obsessed with needing “alone time” with her baby, and it caused a big falling out. Which I really don’t want the same!

Thanks

This is extremely helpful. Thank you.

So the op had to tow the line and keep the peace because the MIL refuses to accept boundaries whilst plotting for the split she has decided will happen?

It sounds like the MIL has enough people encouraging her ridiculous notions and OP doesn't need to and shouldn't be one of them.

Give the MIL want she wants now and its game over.

One of the things that's astonished me since having babies is this assumption that parents are just the providers of said baby for everyone else's enjoyment. They can't possibly want to savour their child, they "need a break" from them.
Well, Sandra, a break would be you stacking the dishwasher or bringing over some freezer meals or making us all a round of tea while I enjoy a newborn snuggle with my much-wanted child. Yes, maybe I'll ask you to cuddle her while I have a shower or a nap or a solo coffee. But that should be on my terms and the baby's rather than a constant war of "steal the baby".

On the whole I really want to enjoy my kids - it still happens these days, eg somehow I'll be stuck in the kitchen while visitors take my kid to do the Easter egg hunt I did all the prep for for. That's the sort of magic I'd like to be involved in! I think a lot of the drudgery of parenting is not to do with the children but all the attendant tasks around them, but I find people rarely want to help with those things. They just want the bits I'd quite enjoy too.

You are 100% not in the wrong and wanting a day with your own baby is a valid reason, you don't even need to be explaining yourself. You were very kind to offer one day a month..
You are correct that if you and partner split grandparents contact has nothing to do with the arrangements you make.

Enjoy your day off with your baby. MIL can visit at weekends. No need for her to have baby by herself at all, if you don't want that.

I agree about being firm about when she can and can't see the baby. But having all out war could make it worse for OP longer term. I've made this mistake myself and I think I was the one who ended up suffering more

Why is OP's DH telling OP to change her day off and not his mum?

OP is already taking care of their child as he works away 99% of the time, the least he could is not try to make things even more difficult for her by kowtowing to mardy MIL.

She understands the baby is yours right? Whatever you do, do not back down and change anything to suit MIL or you will be expected to change things to suit her forevermore. DP needs to grow a pair and back you up x

Your dh should stick up for you . She had her time with her babies you are now having time with yours.
She is the selfish one .
You sound like you have enough on your plate to be then dealing with guilt trips .
Also the comments about you spliting up is weird. How much does your dh tell her ? . He sounds like he needs to grow up a bit

OP as a poster mentioned upthread, in the event of a split, it’s likely that most of the custody would be allocated to you as your DH is effectively absent most of the time because of his job. MiL is being difficult and already trying to call the shots about her access in the event of your marriage ending. I would be lying in wait for the ideal moment to point out to her that as a grandparent she has zero right to any access at all. And that on this showing of her true feelings, in the event of you being granted custody that’s exactly what she would get, so she’s the one who needs to ‘get used to it’.

She is ridiculously entitled and he is being a complete drip.

I guess this might be your MIL's first grandchild? Mine went a bit crackers too with requests like this thankfully it was lockdown for most of her first year so that saved us.
Some women never get over their kids growing up and want a little baby to play mummy to. Stick to your guns and please don't give up your day with your baby to appease her.
Keep talking to your DP - if this is his first child, he needs to realise that he is the parent now and that your family unit has to to be his priority. Again, this can take a little while to sink in if they have spent their lives doing whatever their mum wants.
I think you have been more than reasonable with your alternative suggestions xx

The only reason there might be all out war though is that the MIL gets aggrieved when she isnt happy and starts making inappropriate comments and piling on pressure. MIL has been generously offered extra time alone with the baby in OP’s time on top of other time spent with the baby and said no. If OP holds firm and doesn’t rise to the comments, there shouldn’t be any need for all out war

This is one of those threads where I would like to have a very stern talk with the person causing the OP stress - in this case, your MIL, @cj2796.

I am a MIL and a granny myself, so I do understand the excitement of having a new baby in the family - but I also know that she is not my baby, and that her mum and dad come first.

I would love to have a come-to-Jesus talk with your MIL, and tell her that this baby is an actual person, not a toy or a box of chocolates that she can demand to share, and that, if she doesn't wind her neck in pretty damn fast, she will find herself seeing even less of the baby, not more! I'd tell her that she had her chance of being a mum, and now her role is to be a grandmother, so she should embrace that and enjoy it, and stop pissing off her daughter in law!

Jeez! This isn't a game of pass the bloody parcel! She is your baby, your rules .DP needs to grow a f*ing back bone and you need to distance yourself from this toxic woman, and don't release your daughter into her clutches, especially with her living 2hrs away.It's really lovely you've taken a day off to spend with your daughter, to cherish your time together.
It's a shame your partner doesn't see it that way...what is wrong with these mummys boys!

Why can’t your MIL come and see you at the weekend and have some hours of her and your baby. She could do this but she’s just being difficult because you’re working and then looking after your baby on your day off. Your day off is do important for you and little one. Don’t let your pushy MIL get in the way. Tell her why don’t you visit at the weekends. Your dp should support you. As he is not supporting you in this make sure that it’s him that deals with his mother not you. When she visits he can get everything ready and clear up as well. Not your job.

that's what I mean

I would ignore a 2 hour journey once a week is not doable or reasonable. Once a month is plenty.

Do people really behave like this, if so they are in danger of not seeing their gc at I would have thought.

Send her a link to buy a reborn doll

Tell her to do one!! It's YOUR child and you make the decisions. You have no explanation, no justification....do what YOU want! I have a terrible MIL and I have done all I possibly could to have a good relationship. I gave up when I realised she was just too selfish and she wasn't making the effort. (It helps that she's an 8hr flight away). Don't feel bad for saying no

😂 Best comment of the whole thread

It is her first dgrandchild.

I would say as a whole when I see my in laws, we all get on very well there's never been any issues or fallings out as such. Which is why I was keen not to make one. Although from certain things said by MIL I've got the gist that she's keen to have "alone time" with baby. I know there are plenty of MILs like this.

In terms of DP and MIL and us splitting up, I don't know how much he tells her. We had a rough patch. His job involves a lot of travel and it's tough. I can't see him changing his job anytime in the next few years at least.

What was said to me at the time by him (so I've no idea if this has come from them or just something DP has decided). Was that he'd be having 50/50 custody. But as he admittedly wouldn't be able to do 50% himself due to being away with work, that LO would be going to his Mum and Dads, and sister and BIL's on "his" days. He even mentioned certain days that BIL is off work and would have LO. My BIL has seen the baby twice btw.

They all also live 2-3 hours away. So not sure how this works with her routine, stability, schooling and all that which I did query.

Anyway. We didn't split up and have been working through the issues.

And the DH. He should have put his foot down with his mother long ago. As it is he just seems to relay messages and shrug his shoulders. Totally not good enough.

If you do split up with your DP you may find that he does not end up having much contact with your baby unless he can align his days off with contact days. Courts like stability and consistency and do not expect children to be made available for contact on a shift workers ever changing days off.

Is it possible that your MIL is aware of this and is trying to establish regular time with your baby so she can potentially claim ‘grandparents rights’ later on if you do split?

We were very close with my grandparents and they didn't have us fixed dates each week - she's being dramatic. My nephew lives 2 hours away and he LOVES my fiancé and I, even though we sadly have a once a month max visits with him. She'll live!!

She sounds like she planned herself to go part time to spend her day off doing this (when it suits her and not for your benefit) without asking anyone first. Failure to plan on her part isn't your problem!

She is obviously out of the loop with how expensive and hard it is to find a good nursery and that they need commitment on certain days. Don't change your plans for her and remind your husband (1) you aren't being unreasonable and (2) in light of there not being a "good or bad guy" here, he should take your side and support you given you're the default parent and your reasons are reasonable (though no and "just because" is a full sentence!!