MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

[cj2796]

NC for this.

I’ve just returned to work after a years maternity leave. I’ve condensed my days down to 4, to allow me a day to spend quality time with my baby while she’s still little. I have older children so weekends are manic with their activities.

My DP works away most of the time so 99% of the day to day stuff for LO, nursery drop offs/collections etc fall to me. It’s been hard returning to work and managing all this on my own.. anyway…

My MIL works part time and has the same day off in the week as I do. She’s asked to have LO every week on this day.

I have thanked her very kindly for offering, but explained that I have condensed my days to have that particular day off to spend with LO. I did say that if she likes she could have baby once a month on that day?

This went ignored and I’ve been told now by DP that I’ve upset MIL and that she thinks I am being “selfish with the baby”.

Incase it is relevant they live almost 2 hours away so it’s not exactly close either. I try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

My DP says my MIL just really loves baby and wants to help. But I’ve explained what would be helpful/work for us and it’s gone ignored and now I’ve upset her?

DP had suggested I move my days around at work or drop a day at nursery/change days to allow MIL to have LO weekly on this particular day. I’ve explained to him that with the nursery contract I’ve signed, if I drop a day we are liable to lose our place as they reserve the right to do this (if someone wants full time or 4 days it would taken precedence, it’s only a small nursery). I had to put her name down when she was born as places are few and far between round here!

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.

If we were to split up and needed to come to arrangements between us surely that wouldn’t include his parents? Wouldn’t it be both our working schedules considered plus little ones schedule and what is best for her? I don’t see it being fair that I would be doing the bulk of running around and then on my days off I don’t get to have my little one? And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

I just need help with how to word a response without falling out with anyone. Or am I wrong?

My friend said her MIL became obsessed with needing “alone time” with her baby, and it caused a big falling out. Which I really don’t want the same!

Thanks

She can change her day off if it means that much to her.

This. You are absolutely not being unreasonable; you are not obliged to give your MIL your baby on your one day off!!
Just tell her it doesn’t work for you unfortunately, but offer another time that does suit you.

@cj2796 I meant make it his problem.
If he wants his DM to have the baby,he has to do the leg work.
After all it's his mother.

To be completely honest I am happy with the arrangements I have got.

I feel secure in that my child is in a nursery in a suitable location, I can get myself to work, collect her. No stress.

I've got my day off set up. Everything works well for me!

I'm more than happy to have a normal grandparents relationship for my child. I take her to see them. My MIL is welcome to do the odd day of childcare on an ad-hoc basis. Maybe in future the occasional sleepover even.

They are welcome to come here and visit if they want. If MIL has the same day off she'd be more than welcome to join myself and baby at toddler group, or soft play or whatever I decide to do that day on occasion.

I don't get why I'm being guilted and called selfish and I don't want to massively put myself out, change my arrangements that work for my family, and my baby, cause myself extra stress, just so my MIL can have "alone time" every week with MY child?!?

My DP is insisting that they just want to help...

Is he married to his mother or you?!

I just cannot see how it would work, apart from the ridiculousness of it.

She going to what leave home at 530 to got to you for 730 so you have time to do handover and get the other kids to school? When would she leave to come back? The baby would likely fall asleep on the drive cocking up bedtime?

I wouldn't even offer the one day a month tbh, unless she comes to you.

Carry on the grandparent relationship as you have been. This won't 'help' you in any way.

Also, when people offer help and you turn it down, if they get upset then it’s not help, it’s control. There is a difference.

Everything you have described here is normal and reasonable and the MIL should not expect anything different

I had similar problems with my ex MIL when my children were small. She was horrified i was putting them into nursery when I went back to work. Insisted on having them herself. I agreed to 1 day a week as I liked the nursery and felt it was good for them but didnt want to offend MIL by saying outright no. Taking my DD to MIL was a pain - 40 mins out of my way, nursery on the way. Anyway, I did it and gradually she became unreliable, would cancel last minute or ask me to pick her up early so she could get her hair cut or meet a friend. And obviously nursery can't always accommodate extra days so it was an eternal pain. After that we had two more children and I vowed never to use family for regular childcare. I much prefer to pay someone so I don't have to feel guilt/beholden to them.

Stick to your guns, say if she'd like to have your child once a month (or less frequently if you like), she can pick a random day and you can take her out of nursery for the day (the nursery won't care as long as they're paid and you would be paying anyway - so try not to be bothered by the cost).

And of course, your potential custody arrangements in a hypothetical separation are none of her concern.

Tell your partner if they wanted to help, then they would do what is needed to be helpful.

Instead, what they are doing is the opposite and are actually trying to arrange your entire family life to suit them and engineer a routine to suit them when you break up.

The fact she is talking about your eventual split suggests she doesn't have any faith in your relationship and is therefore trying to create a situation that meets her needs and wants.

It doesn't actually sound like the child is being considered at all in this (from her pov not yours)

@cj2796 she sounds a lot like my MIL; requests something that is ridiculous then sulks and refuses more sensible suggestions when she doesn't get what she wants! Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Withdrawing your offer of once a month is sensible.

I'd just be firm with her and make it clear that you will be spending your day off with just you and the baby, then suggest perhaps one weekend a month (when your other kids are with their dad) you can do something as a family.

Why on earth would it be beneficial to a baby to spend 4 hours a day in a car or away from mum over night?!?!

Just no I’m all levels, you have a schedule tahts works perfectly. There is no compromise that is in anyones intersts, baby does not want/need to travel that far. And most importantly it’s important with 4 long nursery days a quality day with mummy alone at home is perfect

This is so true!
I remember when my DD was a newborn and my MIL came round. DD was nestled on me after a feed, sleeping soundly. MIL kept insisting on taking DD out for a walk in the pram (that we weren't using yet because my babies prefer a baby carrier when they are tiny) to 'give me a break'. I had to keep forcefully saying I didn't need a break and that DD and I were both perfectly happy having a little snooze and a snuggle together. She wasn't trying to help, she just wanted to get DD on her own.

If she's that desperate she can change her day off work, come to you, and be in the local area. And if she gives a reason why she can't do that, then too bad.

and therefore you need to explain to your DP (again!) that his mother's idea of helping isn't helping you at all and specify the reasons why as you've mentioned on here.

All the arrangements you've made have been done so that they suit YOU and YOUR children and that is exactly how it should be.

Please please please do not budge on your current arrangements just to appease MIL. give an inch....

Oh dear OP this is awful.
Your MIL especially and your DP making you feel guilty is really not ok at all.
MIL must be a pushy Mum to DP too for him to worry so much about upsetting her.
I’m also a MIL and offer to have my DGCs when I’m needed and we meet up together for family days too. Insisting on this day a week is nuts!
I think you have enough on your plate with work, kids, baby, childcare especially as DP is away so much. This discussion needs to be put to bed with MIL and DP - it’s a no. You honestly shouldn’t have to be trying to facilitate this for MIL. Jeez I’m getting stressed just thinking about it!
Stand firm OP. 💪❤️

I’d be deflecting all requests back to ‘DP’.

He moans his mum doesn’t spend enough time with DC ‘You are very busy, understandable you don’t want to spend all of your downtime with her’.

’MIL moaning that she’s not spending enough time here, what’s she expect you to do, quit playing football or the kids not going to birthday parties?’

’MIl wants to spend every Friday here? Would be lovely if we were millionaires are neither of us needed to work. I’ve told her I’m busy during the week. Maybe she could come over Saturday mornings instead to give us all a lay in? Or you could take DC over when he wakes at 6am, arrive at hers at 8am for you all to spend the morning to together, and you guys could be back home at 2pm for us to all go out for lunch?’

Make it his problem. But to encourage him to do the leg work. Soon enough he’d get on the same page as a you.

I’d start grey rocking her. She should be encouraging your relationship together, not trying to get in the middle.

My DP is insisting that they just want to help...

"Oh Alan, I'm soooo pleased that your mother just wants to help!!! What I would find helpful is XYZ, not ABC. So glad to know that's all sorted! Have you seen the news about the cheese rolling contest?"

Literally at this point I’d write it down for him:

Helpful for your work? No.
Helpful for his work? No.
Helpful for nursery? No.
Helpful for a child to be in a car for 4 hours a day (also not advised/ safe in a car seat)? No
Helpful to your relationship? No.
helpful to your mental state? No.
Helfpul for finances? Not if you lose the nursery place.
Helpful to have her off somewhere with your baby when you’ve got other kids to sort too? No.
Helpful for the baby? No more than seeing them WITH you would be.
Helpful when they go on holiday and you’ve lost childcare? No.

Literally no benefit other than just caving to her demand.

It’s nonsense. Family that shares childcare usually live local for a sane, logistical reason.

👏👏👏

Tbh why are you allowing her calling you selfish bother you?

You can be selfish, you’ve taken a massive pay cut to spend quality time with your child, be as selfish as you want!

Why can't she swap her days around? I think a day a month and seeing them twice per month is great. Maybe there are other times she can babysit to give you a break. This is your day with your baby. Try to sort it out as amicably as possible but don't give up your day

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful

She really doesn’t sound very nice at all!I already thought it was a daft idea because of the distance, but now I wouldn’t entertain her at all.

Try not to escalate the situation. You have to spend time with her for years to come, it will just be hard for everyone. You're right and she is wrong but better to bite your tongue while setting boundaries