MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

[cj2796]

NC for this.

I’ve just returned to work after a years maternity leave. I’ve condensed my days down to 4, to allow me a day to spend quality time with my baby while she’s still little. I have older children so weekends are manic with their activities.

My DP works away most of the time so 99% of the day to day stuff for LO, nursery drop offs/collections etc fall to me. It’s been hard returning to work and managing all this on my own.. anyway…

My MIL works part time and has the same day off in the week as I do. She’s asked to have LO every week on this day.

I have thanked her very kindly for offering, but explained that I have condensed my days to have that particular day off to spend with LO. I did say that if she likes she could have baby once a month on that day?

This went ignored and I’ve been told now by DP that I’ve upset MIL and that she thinks I am being “selfish with the baby”.

Incase it is relevant they live almost 2 hours away so it’s not exactly close either. I try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

My DP says my MIL just really loves baby and wants to help. But I’ve explained what would be helpful/work for us and it’s gone ignored and now I’ve upset her?

DP had suggested I move my days around at work or drop a day at nursery/change days to allow MIL to have LO weekly on this particular day. I’ve explained to him that with the nursery contract I’ve signed, if I drop a day we are liable to lose our place as they reserve the right to do this (if someone wants full time or 4 days it would taken precedence, it’s only a small nursery). I had to put her name down when she was born as places are few and far between round here!

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.

If we were to split up and needed to come to arrangements between us surely that wouldn’t include his parents? Wouldn’t it be both our working schedules considered plus little ones schedule and what is best for her? I don’t see it being fair that I would be doing the bulk of running around and then on my days off I don’t get to have my little one? And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

I just need help with how to word a response without falling out with anyone. Or am I wrong?

My friend said her MIL became obsessed with needing “alone time” with her baby, and it caused a big falling out. Which I really don’t want the same!

Thanks

I'd be quite careful too...basically the more grabby she gets, the more wary I'd get.

If she wanted to occasionally come over and take LO out of nursery for the day/afternoon, I wouldn't be opposed to that. My DP will be taking LO out of nursery so he can spend time with her if his days home fall on her nursery days.

It's not that I want to keep my child from MIL, it's just that what she's proposing doesn't work for me (or baby) at all.

I can't see me ever being okay with weekly overnights with the grandparents that are just unnecessary and not required... they can spend time with her in other ways.

If me and DP split up and I'm as a result forced to be away from her overnight while he has his time with her, well that's another matter, and it won't be a choice for me then.

And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

Yes it would, I have a friend whose Ex H went for 50/50 so he would not have to pay maintenance. His parents do the bulk of looking after the kids on his contact days due to his working hours.

Yes I totally understand this. If he has 50/50 or whatever else and hands LO over to his parents, or a new gf, or whoever he likes on his time I can't do a thing about it.

Get that.

But I don't see how they can facilitate that living so far away. If they have to bring DD to school or nursery is it fair to DD to spend hours in the car half the week?

If this were to happen I can say with absolute certainty his parents would never relocate to my area.

My DP is actually keen to in future relocate to "his" area...

But I know deep down I absolutely will not be doing this.

Brilliant. Here's the wording I'd use,

"It doesn't make sense for the baby to be going to MIL every week. For a start, I've put a lot of effort into making it so that I can have that day with her and her siblings (when they're home) and it's really important to me to have that time. At a practical level, on my one day off I simply can't be spending up to 4 hours in the car, and it's not good for the baby either. I think it's lovely that MIL wants time with her so I'm happy to make this effort once a month for her and, if she can work it with her schedule, she's welcome to come down and take baby out of nursery now and again and spend some time with her here. I'm sure they'd both love that. I think it's lovely that MIL wants this relationship with Baby, but it has to work for from a logistics and practical perspective."

Tell MIL and DP this. She is welcome to make time to take DD out of nursery but not at the expense of your time with your daughter. Your DP could also arrange for his mother to visit on the days he is off work and looking after DD. The three of them could have time together. Her insistence on alone time and at her own home don’t work at all.

Well you can't, can you? You have older children who are happily and successfully spending 50% of their time with their father. How on earth can you now move 2 hours away?

I really hope this is just the same sort of vague longing that I had for years to return to my home country - I knew it wasn't going to happen, it was a small but noticeable sore in my heart, but it wasn't practical and I always knew that.

Sensible solution would be for mil to change her day off. Spend the day in yours and dp house with baby BUT I'd hate mil in my house so nope lol

I think the problem Vis that her attitude is so dictatorial and proprietorial towards your DD. So while it would be lovely to have the easy give and take relationship with her, I'm not so sure she'll meet you half way there. And your drippy DP seems to be of little use to you in terms of back up

Absolutely never do that. Living so far away is your trump card in the event that you split. When your daughter is at school that will be the priority. He would maybe get every other weekend or the holidays when the distance is taken into consideration. Nobody wants a child to travel 4 hours a day to and from school.

@IdLikeToBeAFraser this is what I sent which is very similar. Which has caused her to ignore me and tell my DP I am a selfish so and so keeping the baby from her.

"That’s lovely of you to want to have x and so kind of you to offer. However that day is my day off with x, I arranged my working hours to have that day with her while she’s little and spend quality time with her. Her days in nursery are so long and with my commute and working hours, I hardly get to see her. I’m sure you remember what it was like when yours were little. I’m sure we can organise something though. Maybe you can have her one Friday a month? It’s very kind of you to offer to help x"

Funny thing is when I first returned to work my LO was very ill (catch everything at nursery don't they!).

So I was back at work a few days and had to take time off... no one was falling over themselves to help me then!

I really don't want her in my house but I would if it kept the peace

You're explaining yourself far too much there. When you do that you invite a rebuttal.

She's had her turn and child rearing. Now it's yours.

@cj2796 I think that's fine. but it's been rebuffed. My version was re what to say to your DH. Then he can get on with arguing with her.

WTAF - that's crazy behaviour from her. She should be happy with once a month!

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”.

I would have instantly retracted the 1 day per month offer and told her she can see the baby when her DP has time to visit her with baby.

It's your baby, and those are your precious days. Her saying something like this is horrendous.

How nasty. Don’t let her set foot in your house that you own. Remind her that you are home owner not her ds.

I would not be communicating at all with anyone who was that unpleasant to me.

🤣🤣🤣👏🏻

MIL needs to find peace in your decision respectfully, if she cant compromise then its her issue, so make one with secure boundaries and don't waver.

I find it bizarre that some relatives think that once you have children they can start bossing you around and telling you how to structure your life. She's not a frail old lady as she's working. I never got this from relatives who just offered help when they were free. They lived some distance from us and just had the children when they were over overnight, otherwise if we visited we visited as a family.
When our children have babies when I'm not working I'll offer to help but as they live some distance from us the help we'll be able to give will be limited. If I want to see the children I would expect to do most of the travelling.
If MIL wants to see the baby when it's convenient for everyone she can travel over. Her grandchild is not a new toy. Given how unpleasant she's been I'd not be wanting her around me or the baby until she's given her head a wobble and stopped being so silly. Working grandparents who live some distance away don't see their grandchildren often unless they make a lot of effort. My grandparents also lived some distance from us and we saw them about every 3 months and always with our parents although I did live with my grandparents for a few months when older.
She has to realise that the long term relationship with you and her son is more important than making everyone run around after her and resenting her.

I don't even have my MIL's phone number. Nor does she have mine. We get on fine but it's not my relationship to have. It's her and my DH and I have no interest in expanding that.

Put your boundaries in early and stick to them. Your baby, your rules, and nobody gets in between you and your children.

If she's that desperate she can get a cat.