MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

[cj2796]

NC for this.

I’ve just returned to work after a years maternity leave. I’ve condensed my days down to 4, to allow me a day to spend quality time with my baby while she’s still little. I have older children so weekends are manic with their activities.

My DP works away most of the time so 99% of the day to day stuff for LO, nursery drop offs/collections etc fall to me. It’s been hard returning to work and managing all this on my own.. anyway…

My MIL works part time and has the same day off in the week as I do. She’s asked to have LO every week on this day.

I have thanked her very kindly for offering, but explained that I have condensed my days to have that particular day off to spend with LO. I did say that if she likes she could have baby once a month on that day?

This went ignored and I’ve been told now by DP that I’ve upset MIL and that she thinks I am being “selfish with the baby”.

Incase it is relevant they live almost 2 hours away so it’s not exactly close either. I try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

My DP says my MIL just really loves baby and wants to help. But I’ve explained what would be helpful/work for us and it’s gone ignored and now I’ve upset her?

DP had suggested I move my days around at work or drop a day at nursery/change days to allow MIL to have LO weekly on this particular day. I’ve explained to him that with the nursery contract I’ve signed, if I drop a day we are liable to lose our place as they reserve the right to do this (if someone wants full time or 4 days it would taken precedence, it’s only a small nursery). I had to put her name down when she was born as places are few and far between round here!

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.

If we were to split up and needed to come to arrangements between us surely that wouldn’t include his parents? Wouldn’t it be both our working schedules considered plus little ones schedule and what is best for her? I don’t see it being fair that I would be doing the bulk of running around and then on my days off I don’t get to have my little one? And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

I just need help with how to word a response without falling out with anyone. Or am I wrong?

My friend said her MIL became obsessed with needing “alone time” with her baby, and it caused a big falling out. Which I really don’t want the same!

Thanks

Just kill with kindness and deep breaths. ‘Whenever she wants to pop over she can, we’ll be in the house’

Dont give this so much headspace. Your MIL has absolutely no rights over your baby.
just say “no thank you, on fridays shes with me, and if we were to split up then we would sort something out between the two of us. Its not really appropriate to discuss further”

Yes to this.

My MIL wanted to "help" a lot, but in spite of repeated offers, you could tell it wasn't genuine, because she would happily hand the baby back immediately whenever he grunted out a poo, or eat her lunch sloooowly whilst one of us was settling the baby.

She even looked after him one KIT day in the afternoon, and I came downstairs to an absolutely colossal wet nappy.

Whereas a friend saw him do poo-face just as she joined us for lunch, and immediately offered to take him off to change and sang/played with him to give us a break.

(I'm not saying MIL has to care for him, but if you offer to help, it looks like what my friend did!)

What is your MIL when she's actually with your baby?

Don't be scared to set boundaries, you're completely within your right to say no.

Family entitlement is a joke, blood doesn't make you family and neither does 'in law'. You pick your village and if people don't agree with your parenting choices then... bye!

Bunker down, you will ruffle feathers, better to do it now whilst your LO is young and has no idea these people are letting them/you down.

You've got this x

Nobody has the right to insist on you giving up precious time with your little one. I would shut her down altogether - especially after her nasty comment about you splitting up! None of this would be an issue if your DP supported you as he's supposed to. Bin him.

love it

Yes absolutely - all this fandango for the MIL benefit, not for you or the baby. Plus veiled threats about “well when you split up…”. What a crock!

This.

Do not I Repeat NOT do anything to accomdate your MILs demands . Let your partner do that.

unless of course he’s changed his work patterns for your family members.

you are not even married , just STOP doing all this wife work .

She's being ridiculous. It's your baby!

She's not interested in helping she wants to play with the baby which is fine but that's for her to arrange with your DH, not on your days off, and not as childcare that you have to organise or cover.

Could she possibly take your DC out of nursery once in a while for a treat day or afternoon with Nana? You'd still be paying for the day but wouldn't be left in the lerch or have to organise around her and she won't be able to claim she doing you a massive favour

Do not alter your work patterns to suit your MIL. That is completely crazy. How can she even ask you! Sounds like you have more convenient childcare options closer to home, so use those. Visit as a family. Have them over now and then. Job done.

She's deranged. And selfish. Good grief!

I used to see my in laws during maternity leave with DD a lot but there were comments that I overfeed bf milk to my baby, that the house should be cleaner, that baby should be able to settle themselves.

Now with DS I don't make that effort. If DH has time- in laws see the kids. If he is busy working etc. they don't.

I realised the more effort I've put, the more expectations there were. And silly comments .

Absolutely - seems to be a thing just lately

Agree. Silence might make them realise how daft they're being.

Tbh I wouldn't even try to accommodate her like this. She seems like the 'give her an inch and she'll take a mile' type. And DP has demonstrated he'll be no use if the shit hits the fan later on. I think OP should maintain the good boundaries she has in place.

Your MIL is so cheeky! As a very involved MIL I can tell you, what she is doing is not about helping you! My DIL works shifts and I go over once or twice a week to help - and help means: taking the gc to and from school/nursery school, sorting the laundry and dishwasher and doing some light cooking! I do it all with permission from my lovely DS and DIL - it gives me so much pleasure to know that I've made their hectic life a bit easier! The children love having me in their own environment and over the years we have built such a wonderful bond. I wait for my SIL or DIL to return from work, sometimes have a cup of tea with them, and then leave them to spend precious time with the children. (we also have a joint meal together almost every week). This is what my mother did when my dc were little. It's a win-win situation. How can schlepping a toddler/baby for 4 hours once a week in a car be any help to you, let alone good for the baby? Your DP should stop and think...

Absolutely don’t give in to your mother in law. It is not her baby. Sign up for a baby class/baby swimming/tots group on your day off and then it is impossible even for one day a month.

Yep I agree that’s a normal grandparent relationship and one I had growing up!

I have this with my MIL who asked for alone time for my 8 week old EBF baby!

I think it’s about playing mummy again without the inconvinece of really mummy being there!

It’s certainly not in your daughters best interest or yours it’s about meeting her needs and that’s not a good enough reason I’m afraid.

I would just tell DH no for all the very valid reasons you gave and leave him to deal with them. I also wouldn’t appease with a once a month alone time unless it’s what you want - she’s had her chance to parent this is your turn and you don’t want regrets!

I think there are two good ideas. First one is @stayathomer ’s suggestion that she is welcome to come across and spend time with you and DD at toddler group etc. And @telestrations suggestion that on occasional days she could take DD out of nursery for a treat afternoon-but again, locally. She could either spend the time at your house of find something special to do nearby, but absolutely no long car journeys. In that way you are offering MIL time with her DGD but on your terms and in a way that would benefit your DD, and allow them both to enjoy the time together. Long journeys to and from her house sound ridiculous.

I came to say this. Say nothing. Let the crazy people i this scenario self-assess and work it out between themselves.

I’m a first time grandmother to a gorgeous 4 month old baby. I see him a lot with his mum (my daughter) including most of Sunday because her partner works all day. They only live a five minute drive away

Ive looked after him alone a couple of times, just for a few hours while they were moving house. Tonight we’ve got him for the whole night (4pm until 11.30am) and I’m terrified. Obviously we’ve brought up children of our own but it was a long time ago, and by the end of Sundays I’m exhausted! And that’s with my daughter (his mum) there.

Young children and babies are a LOT of work. I don’t get this need to look after your grand daughter on her own. Surely much nicer to spend time with you too, going for a nice walk or to a play cafe or something (not for you maybe).

I think PP is right and she’s trying to establish some kind of rights over your daughter. I don’t like the sound of it at all

I think you need to be firm, and not care what anyone else thinks. You’re doing a great job

Can she change her day off then and that one day you don't need nursery

if I was you I'd distance myself from MIL , you're busy after all, meet some lovely moms during toddlers group, go for a coffee after the session & dont invest your time pleasing MIL only to be criticised.

And if DH wants, he can please his mom during his free time.

If shexwants time with with LO its up to her to travel to you bot the other way around, you shouldn't be bending over backwards to make her happy when she obviously doesn't give a hoot about your happiness.