MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

[cj2796]

NC for this.

I’ve just returned to work after a years maternity leave. I’ve condensed my days down to 4, to allow me a day to spend quality time with my baby while she’s still little. I have older children so weekends are manic with their activities.

My DP works away most of the time so 99% of the day to day stuff for LO, nursery drop offs/collections etc fall to me. It’s been hard returning to work and managing all this on my own.. anyway…

My MIL works part time and has the same day off in the week as I do. She’s asked to have LO every week on this day.

I have thanked her very kindly for offering, but explained that I have condensed my days to have that particular day off to spend with LO. I did say that if she likes she could have baby once a month on that day?

This went ignored and I’ve been told now by DP that I’ve upset MIL and that she thinks I am being “selfish with the baby”.

Incase it is relevant they live almost 2 hours away so it’s not exactly close either. I try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

My DP says my MIL just really loves baby and wants to help. But I’ve explained what would be helpful/work for us and it’s gone ignored and now I’ve upset her?

DP had suggested I move my days around at work or drop a day at nursery/change days to allow MIL to have LO weekly on this particular day. I’ve explained to him that with the nursery contract I’ve signed, if I drop a day we are liable to lose our place as they reserve the right to do this (if someone wants full time or 4 days it would taken precedence, it’s only a small nursery). I had to put her name down when she was born as places are few and far between round here!

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.

If we were to split up and needed to come to arrangements between us surely that wouldn’t include his parents? Wouldn’t it be both our working schedules considered plus little ones schedule and what is best for her? I don’t see it being fair that I would be doing the bulk of running around and then on my days off I don’t get to have my little one? And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

I just need help with how to word a response without falling out with anyone. Or am I wrong?

My friend said her MIL became obsessed with needing “alone time” with her baby, and it caused a big falling out. Which I really don’t want the same!

Thanks

He can insist all he likes

He's away so he's left it all to you

You do what suits you, your baby and your other children (btw does she show any interest at all with them?)

I always question this statement.

Why? He doesn't have your back

You should prioritise what works for you and baby first. If your relationship with DP has been rocky, it will not help if you're unhappy and resentful at appeasing others at the expense to yourself and/or baby. Add in the breastfeeding, which is amazing to still be able to do at the point, you and baby being together is top most priority. Make yourself less available to messages from your partner's mother, make replies later and later. You don't have to commit to anything.

"You have more money than me, and it's not fair!"
"Well, I could let you have twenty quid once a month to help you out..."
"No, you're being SELFISH, I want as much money as I ask for and whenever I ask for it, however much that might inconvenience you!"

Does that help? You can't be 'selfish' over something that actually is YOURS just because someone else wants more of it than they are getting.

I know. I find it baffling too. My mum LOVED being a granny. Truly loved it. And she was brilliantly hands on with it too. But a massive part of what she loved about it was, as she told me regularly, "being able to hand them back". She loved that she could have the fun times and do fun things, without having to get up in the night or fight about bedtime or worry about whether their nutrition was good enough. She could buy them ridiculous treats and leave me to buy the school shoes and the boring raincoat. She was right there with me worrying about them when they were sick, but she wasn't here spooning calpol down their throats at 2am (although I'm sure if I'd been desperate she would have).

She absolutely helped out with babysitting when needed, but had zero desire to do it on a permanent or even consistent basis.

Both my dad and FIL are similar - they're there pushing the DC on the swings at the park, buying icecreams and ridiculous chocolates that neither me nor DH would EVER have been allowed. They're happily chatting away to their grandchildren about the issues of the day, but they're not stepping up to do any of the heavy lifting.

I really don't get this obsession some grandparents have to practically BE parents.

I have one friend who makes me laugh - he says that when his children have children, his plan is he's going to turn up at 6am every now and again and do the breakfast/school run routine so his kids get a break, then he'll happy drop the GC off at school and get on with his day! In other words, even as a grandparent he sees himself prioritising supporting his CHILDREN.

Her thought process I believe is that if DP and I weren't together I would be having to "give up" baby to DP for overnights etc. so why can't she have them now?

I hope that makes sense?

You are together, though, so it's completely irrelevant. It's like saying, "but, someone else would be looking after your children if you died!" Yes, well, I'm alive.

Stand your ground, don't give in. I she really loves the family she will understand, if not then she's a selfish demanding woman.

OP just don't engage with her. I've said this a few times on here but my (now ex) MIL ruined the first year for me, she was absolutely batshit crazy. It did calm down.

I wouldn't worry about it if you split because it doesn't sound like DP is present now so changing jobs isn't going to happen any time soon and a court really wouldn't opt for your baby being bounced around people 4 hours away whilst you are capable of doing it.

As an aside, my MIL said something similar but now we have split barely sees the DC because ex barely sees them and if she'd actually been nice to me I would have taken them to see her, kept her informed but she made her bed.

I'm late to the party and likely repeating others but you just say 'it isn't selfish to want to spend my one day off a week with my own baby and her with me'. No one can argue that and if they do, they'll sound silly and you can comfortably ignore. Her entitlement is outrageous and the cheek to call you selfish!?

Don't be giving MIL ideas.....

If you split with DP MIL would have no say in seeing her grandchild. I would just carry on regardless and ignore any more jibes from her she sounds nasty and I wouldn't want to leave a pet spider with her let alone a child. Stop facilitating visits. Your child your rules.

Time to remind the mil that she can stay in a local hotel when she visits seeing that you own the family house and she has been nasty to you. Let her know that you are not dependent on her son. He is dependent on you for housing. If you split you’ll be in your house with your kids. She has no rights over your children. Keep her at arms length

I know you're saying that you're in a good place right now, but it just seems like your previous troubles (and his relative's experience) has focused some minds on that side of the family. I think you're right to suspect there's a motive here. Whilst your DP is often away and has an unpredictable work schedule, I would suspect they're setting up a situation where your DD is very comfortable and familiar with his DPs/their home, and that this would facilitate a more even split of care in the event of a split regardless of his working pattern. I'm assuming the 'day off' you both have is a Friday- how long until she asks for an overnight until Saturday, with pick up time getting later and later? It's coming babe, you don't need a crystal ball.

A friend's husband had a similar issue insofar as he has his daughter from a previous relationship EOW, but his mother provided childcare FOC 3 days during the week (i.e., during his ex's time). There was a dispute over something, and when he sought legal advice he was told that actually his split of the care wasn't just EOW, as his mother's contribution counted towards his "share" of the DD's care. His ex must have had similar advice because she dropped whatever she had taken issue with and matters returned to a somewhat even keel shortly after.

I think I would respond to her and say that you appreciate the offer but be categoric that what she is proposing will not help you or DD. That the arrangements you have in place are working well for you and DD who is happy and settled. Reiterate your previous offers of day trips to you on your day off/whatever you're comfortable with, and say that that offer will remain open. Bit of a shit sandwich, but if they resist I think you have to ask yourself is it worth trying to preserve a good relationship with people who are ready to shit all over you and your DD's best interests.

yup, declining an offer of help that you don't need or don't want is not selfish. I mean how can it be? The only way it can be selfish is if the MIL person is entitled to something and isn't getting it, which is not the case.

That's some loser you had a child with.
Not around much, lives in YOUR house, let's you pay for nursery?

What a loser.
And now you have his mother sticking her oar in?
OP, you need to protect yourself and your children from your poor choices.

You have organised everything and are juggling so much because you are doing it alone.
Tell him to sort his mother out and give not one inch to her on this.

I'd thank her and say that its a kind offer but doesn't work for you, what works for you and what would be helpful is xyz
you don't need to explain yourself but points about travel time for dd and nursery contract are perfectly valid... regardless of the fact you want to spend time with your own child on they day off you worked so hard to arrange

Selfishness implies your baby is something to be shared. She isn't, she's yours and your DHs. She can do one, it amazes me how entitled to grand children some become!

This is your time OP. I already think you have been way too accommodating given how rude and titled she has been towards you by offering for her to have one day a month on the day you have given up at work specifically to spend time with your baby.

You are the mum. Not her. She’s had her time . It’s your turn now. Who does she think she is?! And to bring up the possibility of you splitting up with your husband is just horrible and almost seems like she’s hoping for that to happen.

If you give an inch she will take a mile. I know because I have been through this exact scenario with my mil. My earliest memories of first time motherhood are tainted by what she put me through and the strain it put on my relationship. You need to double down, be firm with her, not passive and put on a united front with your husband.

I am suspecting the united front is not going to happen.

@Badermigee 16 posts in.
Just…why? We can all see it.

If you had a years supply of chocolate and gave her none then you’d be being selfish with the chocolate.

A baby, however, isn’t a treat, there for others enjoyment. They are a developing human and any decisions about care should be about the baby’s needs within what is possible. Having one to one time with their mum is important. MIL is being selfish to put her desires over your baby’s needs.

Wow she wants your baby to be in a car 4+ hours for what exactly? If she was a good granny she would make the drive over and then enjoy baby in their own space. Your dp has a damn cheek to even ask this of you, he's clearly putting her first over the baby! He's not even around to parent properly and thinks he then has a say over your time.

A big fat no. Don't be afraid to upset people when it comes to your baby's best interests op.
She had her turn with her children, YOU DO NOT OWE HER THIS!!!

Who cares what she thinks of you? She sounds really awful and I would not be making this a problem for yourself. Say no and leave it at that.

Because I usually meet them halfway, my LO has only been to their house a few times!

I'd stop meeting them halfway.

Let them see the reality of making that drive.

I bet she will expect you to drop the baby off to them in due course.

Let your mil come to your house on your joint day off ,you are then in control of the situation,for a mil or anyone else to say you are selfish with your baby....erm....in my estimation that actually works in reverse,it tells me loud and clear that you are totally devoted to your baby,and all your kids,so keep on being who you are,she's your baby,not your mils.

Your DH is not supporting you here. His mother has no rights to your baby for a whole day alone. You also can’t drive 2 hours every week. He clearly doesn’t understand what it’s like to be a mother, and his mother has obviously forgot what it’s like to have young children. You want to soak your baby up on your day off, of course you do.

I would never allow it. And my husband would never expect it.

Stand your ground. Say ‘unfortunately that doesn’t work for me, what about having her once a month as I mentioned’.