Partner applying for job with travel while wanting to start a family

[Milmilj]

My partner and I have been together for just over 2 years, moved in together and are thinking of starting a family. He's the one who has approached the topic of children and is desperate to start a family. Admittedly I’ve felt I would rather wait a little longer having just got a little promotion at work - plus he doesn’t want to marry for another few years and I want some time to get used to that idea of having children before marriage.

He has an interview for a job that will require him to travel abroad from time to time. At the moment we are unsure how often it will be but I can’t help but feel anxious and upset he has gone for the job without much discussion - especially when he is the one talking about babies. In his current job, he works away 3 days a month and he isn’t very passionate about it. I have to travel nearly an hour to work from home every day, so I just worry about the logistics of managing bringing up young children in an environment like this.

I guess I am asking: how has it worked out for others? I feel awful to ask, but is my partner being selfish? Am I being selfish? For the most part he will be working from home. I don't want to risk my own career… what if a child is ill when he’s away? Both of our parents still work and I wouldn’t want to assume the responsibility on them.

When I try to bring up such questions up he shuts down the conversation and says he needs to be in the headspace for the interview. I feel selfish for raising my concerns when it’s a job he clearly wants. But at the same time, I want the father of my children to be involved in raising them. I’m worried that while he is away I will struggle single parenting. We live in the middle of nowhere so help isn't just around the corner. Am I being too negative?

Thanks all.

he wants me to come off the pill to start trying now

You're not ready and you want to get married first. Don't let what he wants take over any of that. If he diminishes what you want, he's definitely not someone to have DC with anyway.

@Venice241 oh yeah he’s a total creep. And he will make a terrible father

Holy shit OP—Ive read all your pists. Im sure everyone else has said this but this is a very manipulative and abusive person you are involved with. Even if you think/feel that he “loves” you his behavior is marked by selfishness, suspicion, hostility with respect to you (won’t marry, demands children, won’t share assets) and at the same time he demands complete submission and a “leap of faith” from you.

A loving partner would be exactly the opposite. He would do everything to reassure you that you are safe (financially, emotionally) and ok before going ahead to children. He would require the leap of faith from himself, not you.

OP in the nicest possible way if you are 34 you don't really have time to build your career, wait a few years to get married, then a bit longer until you are ready to have children. I mean you could but you may find it harder to conceive. I actually think it may be you that needs to compromise. You need to think about how you can make this work, not rely on him to provide for you.

I think the issue that you have here is financial security. He wants you to drop back in your financial security I.e. maternity leave, loss of earnings, reduced pension contributions, time out of your career. That would be fine if you were married. Not advisable if not. I am failing to see how having children outside of marriage is a good idea. I can see the point that you didn't contribute to the equity he built, but likewise if you split with a baby how would you live? It seems like he wins materialy in both scenarios whereas you carry the anxiety in both scenarios, and feeling anxious is not what a prospective mother needs, I know for a fact that financial anxiety most definitely dampened my maternal feelings.

It's not something you think as much about in your 20s as we are procreating machines during that time but after late 20s I would say these worries do come into play.

The other stuff- OK it might be isolating, bit of a challenge etc., is normal and a red herring, the marriage thing is the point. What is the issue with marriage? Weddings can be low key affairs and so on. Having said the above - I also think you both really need to consider what parenting looks like for both of you too. His wanting to rush ahead is a little foolish as it's incredibly challenging to be a parent - you might both be brilliant at it individually and in different ways, but you need to be able to do it collectively. Looking at and discussing this is key. From the sounds of it, you will also need some social support if he is away a lot.

I don't think the time before the interview is the time to talk about it, I agree, but I think you are right about marriage. I don't see how you can plan what you are doing without agreement on this.

Hi OP,

You need to first decide (by yourself) whether:

• You want kids at all
• You want kids by this man
• Whether you want to stay with this man

You also need to start building up your own assets.

You have a decent salary and am not married and do not own property - you need to build your personal wealth ASAP.

If you want kids and you want them by this man, you should consider having them sooner due to your respective ages, but only once you have agreed on what your set up will be. Find out why he doesn’t want to marry. IMHO having a wedding party is optional but having the legal marriage (or civil partnership registration) is essential before having kids.

If he says he is unwilling to make any commitment or provision for you, but still wants you to have his children, tell him that isn’t what you are looking for and dump him. Find a new proper partner who will treat you well.

If you decide you don’t want kids and he does, then that is also a deal breaker.

I do think he loves me - I’ve not made it easy for him and I haven’t given in to getting pregnant over the year. Surely he could have left me by now and found someone else more willing? I wouldn't place him as being abusive - maybe just more he’s used to being single and doing what he wants/ isn’t ready to commit.

I thought more people were cohabiting these days due to high divorce rates. Is he wrong in wanting that? It might not be for me, but it doesn’t mean he’s trying to abuse me, surely. Maybe he just needs to find someone who isn’t bothered about marriage either.

I am not trying to defend his words, I am trying to get a balanced view so that when I discuss it with him I can defend myself on both sides. Eventually the plan was for me to be buying into the house but I’ve been cautious because I know of friends who’ve broken up with partners, and they end up having to rent elsewhere while also paying their half of the mortgage still until their partner buys them out.

Again, I appreciate everyone’s input and don’t want to come across as ungrateful - I’m truly thankful for all of your messages. Just trying to challenge perspectives as it’s from my narrative of course.

I do want children. This situation just doesn’t sit right with me to have them.

Having read all your follow up posts, it looks to me like you are ignoring multiple red flags because he’s not abusive in the same ways as your ex.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean he’s not abusive.

He’s rushing you into children a year after the two of you have got together but isn’t prepared to offer you any financial security before doing so. He’s also in the process of applying for a job that might well leave the day to day parenting responsibility on you without any discussion.

You’ve mentioned paying bills 50/50. Firstly, I agree bills should be proportionate to income (and at the very least, he needs to agree to cover them if you go on maternity leave - not flatly refuse any discussion). Secondly, please tell me this doesn’t include a mortgage - if it does, you are paying so he can build equity. Something to think about.

He isn't committed enough to marry you.

Don't have children with him.

He isn't the right person to have kids with if he won't create a stable legal and financial environment for his dc and life partner.

He wants kids but not enough to start sacrificing and risking things. Instead he wants you to take all the risks and sacrifices.

Which sounds selfish and immature.

OP, you will do whatever suits you, but you can not pretend it wasn't spelt out very clearly to you that this is not a good honest man.

I really hope you don't find out that we were all correct the wrong way.

He's 41 and wants a child, with his name without marriage.
He will say anything to get that and will change his mind when it suits him.

YOU and only YOU will be left knowing that despite it being spelt out to you not to have a child with him, you were spectacularly naive and did it.

It will be you and only you who will pay bitterly for this decision.
God know MN is full of regretful women who fell for the same bullshit to their cost.

Careers gone, pension gone, no home, penniless, stuck with a pig of a man and no options because they became a SAHM because working and juggling became too much.

The men get children and a cheap housekeeper and the women can be thrown out the door having kept house for years, because they have NO rights whatsoever to stay in the house.

Wake up before it is too late.

I thought more people were cohabiting these days due to high divorce rates.

what do you mean by that? That more people don’t get married because they think that statistics tell them that they are likely to end up divorced? I don’t buy that.

People have all sorts of reasons for remaining unmarried and it is common nowadays as the social stigma is almost completely gone.

But a lot of those reasons are stupid, selfish (usually the man’s selfishness) or ill-informed ones. Don’t be ill-informed.

It's just not right is it? He doesn't want to get married deep down, he's worried about his assets etc. It's perfectly normal & natural to get married before children, the fact is he just doesn't want to.

I'd be looking at buying my own home & forging ahead with my own life.

Sorry, I wasn’t meaning to come across as disrespectful. I am just trying to understand and hear some reasons why people cohabit, as all I’ve been hearing is my own narrative and his. Sorry again.

He doesn't want to commit to you but he wants you to have his child AND take all the risks associated with that.

Hell no.

Hi OP,

Cohabiting is reasonable as part of your relationship leading up to a commitment. It is also reasonable if neither of you want to get married or have children. Or you have both had children previously and want to keep your assets completely separate from each other.

It is also a clever move from a higher earning partner to protect their assets from the lower earning partner.

It is a DICK move from a higher earning man who owns all the assets who wants his female partner to have his children and take on the household responsibilities with NO legal security at all.
(So a stupid thing for you to agree to, but a cunning thing for him to request).

If you both have no prior children and want to build a family and life together, and are committed to each other, there is no good reason not to get married (or at least register a civil partnership).

Can I also respond in the time -honoured parental way to your/his “But loads of our friends just cohabit” argument…

”If your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?” 😀

I’m not going to jump on the “abusive” bandwagon - I don’t think it helps OP’s to be repeatedly told it’s abuse when they know the ins and outs of their relationship and they don’t think it is abusive.
i will say that he seems inherently selfish, and that’s not a characteristic to value in a partner or a characteristic of someone you want to have a child with.

I do think he loves me - I’ve not made it easy for him and I haven’t given in to getting pregnant over the year. Surely he could have left me by now and found someone else more willing?

What the fuck? Because over the course of 1 year, 12 months - which is only half your relationship - he should have binned you off and found someone else? Really? Because you don’t want kids yet, you want to be married when you have kids. You honestly think that’s a demonstration that he loves you? I delayed TTC for 3 years with my DH until I was ready because you don’t try for a baby until both partners on the same page. Especially if the reluctant one is the woman, the one who will be sacrificing her earnings and pension contributions on maternity leave. The one who will be putting her body and mental health at risk.

maybe just more he’s used to being single and doing what he wants/ isn’t ready to commit.

So why is he ready for kids? Why is he ready to commit to being tied to you financially for 18 years and then seeing you at significant points in your child’s life. If he’s used to getting his own way, how’s he going to cope when you have a toddler and they have a meltdown because you peeled their banana for them? He can’t compromise on something as important as marriage with you.

The only way I would agree to his arrangement is if I was prepared to be a single mother to hypothetical child. (Eg if you felt you were getting older or didn’t want to settle down with anyone but did want children). I would register child with my surname. I would keep my money separate and put into an ISA or my own property. I would claim CMS or a financial agreement from him.

If he is from a traditional family ask him why he doesn’t want the best for his children (to be born “in wedlock”). That can be important in some cultures and in some classes.

No offence to anyone else’s life choices.

Yet and it’s the classic red flag of an abuser who wants a woman trapped.

Would he consider marrying with a pre-nup? If he knew that he could walk away with his assets if you split and it was a short marriage with no kids?
Definitely don't be pressured into children if you are not ready and you want marriage first, especially as your partner doesn't seem to be planning to accommodate caring for kids.

You sound like you don't think a lot of yourself. Your self esteem is your big thing here.

You are worth more than this.

Your deferrence that he has put up with a lot therefore you should let him refuse to give you security isn't good.

Have you been in an abusive relationship before?

I mean this kindly, but you don't need to keep apologising, in the nicest possible way do u think you could be a people pleaser?

And his narrative is entirely to suit him and not to you.

Imagine being homeless with a baby if you had to leave to due abuse or if he met someone else and kicked you out. You have ZERO protection as it stands. Read some of the threads where women are homeless with children and begging for council housing.

If you've been together for 1 year how long has he been pestering you to have a baby????? HUGE red flag.

Apologies for reverting back to the abuse issue, as a pp rightly said it may not always be relevant, but it often is, and abuse survivors often have no clue that they have a GIANT NEON SIGN shining metaphorically above their head that they are vulnerable to manipulation. So at best, yes your partner may just be selfish and not abusive, but at worse, he's moving all the chess pieces to have you trapped and utterly at his whim.

It's all about what he wants isn't it? And what he wants is to trap you with a child. You are going to get screwed if you let him do that. Nothing about his behaviour suggests he's acting in good faith. Insist on marriage before children, if you're going to stay with him. If he doesn't want to acknowledge why you and his child have to have that security then he's not a good man. Triple check your birth control and insist on condoms.