Partner applying for job with travel while wanting to start a family

[Milmilj]

My partner and I have been together for just over 2 years, moved in together and are thinking of starting a family. He's the one who has approached the topic of children and is desperate to start a family. Admittedly I’ve felt I would rather wait a little longer having just got a little promotion at work - plus he doesn’t want to marry for another few years and I want some time to get used to that idea of having children before marriage.

He has an interview for a job that will require him to travel abroad from time to time. At the moment we are unsure how often it will be but I can’t help but feel anxious and upset he has gone for the job without much discussion - especially when he is the one talking about babies. In his current job, he works away 3 days a month and he isn’t very passionate about it. I have to travel nearly an hour to work from home every day, so I just worry about the logistics of managing bringing up young children in an environment like this.

I guess I am asking: how has it worked out for others? I feel awful to ask, but is my partner being selfish? Am I being selfish? For the most part he will be working from home. I don't want to risk my own career… what if a child is ill when he’s away? Both of our parents still work and I wouldn’t want to assume the responsibility on them.

When I try to bring up such questions up he shuts down the conversation and says he needs to be in the headspace for the interview. I feel selfish for raising my concerns when it’s a job he clearly wants. But at the same time, I want the father of my children to be involved in raising them. I’m worried that while he is away I will struggle single parenting. We live in the middle of nowhere so help isn't just around the corner. Am I being too negative?

Thanks all.

And why haven't you made it easy for him? What, the relationship? Over not wanting a baby or other things?
Not very clear from your post but as a pp said it does come across like you have low self esteem :(who's the one telling you that you haven't made it easy for him- him?
Why doesn't he make things easy for you?
Sorry to bombard you I'm just genuinely concerned as to how vulnerable you come across.

@Milmilj

"He doesn’t want to marry because of fear of losing assets that he’s worked for all his life."

I bet he doesn't! So where does that leave you? Don't have kids with anyone unless you have a legal contract (marriage) which protects you and your child's future. I can't believe he's badgering you into getting pregnant and offering zero security in return. Yeah, like that's a really good deal isn't it.

This entire line of reasoning is not reasonable. People who live you don’t get credit for not dumping you and choosing someone else. You are unique and irreplaceable.

Second of all pregnancy, childbirth, and childrearing are serious financial and emotional commitments to undertake. They can cost you your life and health. They will certainly cost you years and hundreds of thousands of pounds. If he isn’t willing to supply AT LEAST financial security he is abusing you in order to get you to give him children without protecting you or them from abandonment and financial difficulties.

This is not just my opinion and if I only knew him I would see his intentions are good.

Bullshit! Fertility, children, parenting are high cost high commitment activities and always have been. He is asking you to take alllllll the risk with no guarantees of support. That is because he doesn’t trust you, perhaps, but also because he doesn’t trust himself. He knows he does not have any intention of treating you like an equal partner ir letting you feel secure.

When I mention marriage before kids he says I’m being too transactional. He says I need to take a leap of faith.

I bet he does. How about he takes the leap of faith? I wouldn’t entertain having children without being married first.

I’ve not made it easy for him and I haven’t given in to getting pregnant over the year

OP, stop putting yourself down and apologising for doing nothing wrong. Your job is not to make it easy for him. Relationships aren’t easy. Life isn’t easy.

Your gut instinct has been telling you not to give in to him - listen to it! Follow what you feel is right for you and stop minimising the importance of your wants and desire in this relationship. Your opinions are just as important as his - and as women it’s not our job to “make it easy for them”.

You can trust yourself and your gut - be strong in this. It’s perfectly fine to have opposing views to his. It just means it will never work out, so don’t walk into a disaster just to appease him.

Second of all pregnancy, childbirth, and childrearing are serious financial and emotional commitments to undertake. They can cost you your life and health. They will certainly cost you years and hundreds of thousands of pounds. If he isn’t willing to supply AT LEAST financial security he is abusing you in order to get you to give him children without protecting you or them from abandonment and financial difficulties.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

People cohabit because it suits them at the time. Sometimes they may cohabit for a long time, sometimes until the decision to have children or own property makes it financially sensible.

I cohabited for five years 30-35 and then we got married because it was our intention to share everything until death, and to have children. We both experienced secure childhoods with loving parents and we wanted the same for our children.

Things that we planned for by getting married: pregnancy, burth, stillbirth, illness, child with developmental issues, schools, housing, old age, death—we are 34 years in and we are fucking old and writing wills to distribute assets to our beloved children. Because loving someone means thinking about their future.

You might say we were confident in our choice but what if we weren’t? If I were not confident that my dh was willing to sacrifice to care for me and our future children I wouldn’t have married him or had the children! If someone’ is selfish, greedy, suspicious, ungracious, unimpressed with youetc… they can’t commit to you. They may say they can but they will dump you when you become inconvenient because their main goal is their own benefit and if you aren’t perfect or they get a better offer they will be off.

There's loads of reasons why people have kids and don't marry, unplanned pregnancies, it's not seeming important, not having the money to do it in the way they want, feeling like having children is a bigger commitment, so let's do it first, all sorts.

The difference here, is it's none of those, It's that he doesn't feel 'ready'. He sees having children as a lighter commitment than a marriage, or there's no way he'd be ready to have children but not marry you.

He wants to have kids, but he's not certain enough that you'll stay together to risk any money. It's a huge red flag.

Having kids is HUGE. Why would you have kids with someone who isn't sure about the future of your relationship? And it's not just that...

His unwillingness to discuss how your lives would work and division of labour if you have children (in terms of his work, travelling, etc), and that is plan would put all the risk on you, not both of you, waves more reg flags than a communist parade.

I think the message is clear from the hub, yet half of all women in the UK are still having children unmarried!

If he doesn't understand it, explain it to him. "Marriage is protection for me and any future children against being homeless and broke because I agreed to have your child with all of the sacrifice and none of the security."

Honestly, in your shoes, I'd move out. The fact that he has told you to your face he doesn't want to divide his wealth with you in the event of a break up, but he's happy for you to go through pregnancy, child birth, sleepless nights is a turn off. His priorities are up his arse.

You need to have some very frank, open and honest conversations with him about your individual expectations, parenting approach’s and labour division around having children.

I would be wanting to know his answers / expectations on the following….
Who will do the bulk of childcare?
Will the child go to nursery?
Will you share maternity/paternity leave?
How will household chores/admin be divided?
Who will do school drop offs / pick ups?
Can you cope/manage with unexpected outcomes such as the child being disabled?
What type of father does he plan on being? (The only acceptable answer here is hands on, completely capable, in complete partnership with you).

If he’s expecting you to do everything, reduce/give up work, and his life to barely change, do you want to do that? Will he pay your pension for you? Will he get married before having kids to ensure better protection for you?

Imo, men who seem very keen on having kids, but who refuse to get married and demonstrate apathy on the practicalities involved by not having these discussions and applying for jobs that may take him away from family responsibilities on a regular basis usually want kids who will not impact or require their life to change in any way. I.e. they want the woman to do everything and change everything in her life, without providing any financial protection or support for her.

Until I was very clear on all the above I would absolutely NOT be having a child with this man.

This op, all of this.

As it stands he wants you to take ALL the risk, I'm not being horrible or patronising but you have no idea how vulnerable being pregnant and giving birth, being a mother will make you.

He wants to trap you when you aren't ready to give him the life HE wants when HE wants it to your disadvantage.

This man doesn't deserve a family of his own if he isn't willing to marry the mother he wants for his children and that's the very least he should do.

I would not be having children with this man, ever.

He’s manipulative and gaslighty. And inordinately selfish.

He’s protecting his assets, so you need to build your own. Focus on your career and save every penny so that you can buy your own house, so that you have somewhere to go if this relationship fails. Your financial security is going to be in your own hands - he has been very clear that you can’t rely on him. When you’ve done that, then you can think about whether you want to have children with this commitment phobe.

The next time he says he can’t marry because he’s protecting his assets, you tell him you can’t have children because you’re protecting yours.

This.

I would not dream of having children by anyone unwilling to marry first. Why are you letting him decide that?

I'd run. He sounds like the "heads I win, tails you lose" type.

The next time he says he can’t marry because he’s protecting his assets, you tell him you can’t have children because you’re protecting yours.

LOVE THIS ❤️

Yes, it’s a brilliant response.

Add to this, who will pay for nursery. Men like this often take the view that nursery is to let a woman work (rather than being to let both parents work) so the money needs to come from her wages.

In your case that would mean 50% of bills (possibly including his mortgage - I don’t think you’ve answered that yet) plus all the childcare cost, basically leaving you penniless with no assets while he keeps a lot of his salary and builds up equity in the house. Does that really sound fair, OP?

So it sounds that he's been pressuring you for a year to TTC? Starting on what would have been less than a year into your relationship, and without marrying you?? Why does he want to effectively drastically curtail your life while not making any sacrifices of his own? And all so quickly, too.

Something is very strange here. Is he under familial pressure? What's his age? What's yours? Does he have children from other relationships?

I find his pressure on you, and lack of commitment, to be very selfish, controlling, concerning and weird. Can you access any professional counseling and/or look into the freedom programme?

You say he could have left you for someone more willing. Really? He's not a great catch is he. He's oddly desperate to have a child asap, won't marry, plans to work away, admits he doesn't trust you and shuts you down when you want to discuss these things. Your bar is very very low - is this really the sort of relationship you want?

He wants a baby, he marries you simple, for the reasons that others have said it protects you. I understand it's hard to make these decisions when you're living them, but trust me you need your career because nothing is certain. Ask him to get married, if he says no imo you have your answer.

Eventually the plan was for me to be buying into the house but I’ve been cautious because I know of friends who’ve broken up with partners, and they end up having to rent elsewhere while also paying their half of the mortgage still until their partner buys them out.

Are you paying rent?

Very few men who are controlling or abusive are doing it on purpose. Doesn't mean that the behaviours aren't.

This man is trying to pressure you into making a decision that has massive far reaching emotional, physical, mental and financial impact for you (far more os than for him) and he's refusing to even listen to any of your concerns.

You still haven't said how your finances work. I deeply suspect you're already being financially abused though nd absolutely will be once you hve a baby with him.

This.

He's dangling marriage before you like a carrot on a string.

If he's not ready for marriage, he's not ready for the massive commitment and responsibility of having a child.

What he's really saying is he doesn't want to give you the protection that marriage brings.

You say he's compromised OP, but all he's really said is he'll marry you one day. That's not a compromise, it's just words.

This x1,000

Take some time out to ponder this, OP. Please.

I am paying half of the bills - not mortgage as he has paid it off.

It is age that is making him pressure me to get pregnant.

In terms of him wanting to cohabit - his reasonings are that he doesn’t believe in the institution, it’s just a piece of paper and commitment is shown through being there every day and wanting children with me.
I pressed further and it ended up with him saying he doesn’t want to risk losing his assets that he’s worked for all of his life. He then said if it was the other way round what would I do. I said I’d marry.

Again, I don’t think he is abusive. I think he’s just used to living how he wants to live and isn’t ready to settle down but age is prevailing.

I guess I will wait until the interview outcome, and then have a chat with him. I imagine he won’t budge marrying before children. I’ll keep you all posted - thank you everyone, you have been so lovely.

In terms of self-esteem - I do have therapy and low confidence has always been a case. I haven’t had the best relationships in the past and really did think this was finally a normal one.

I am paying half of the bills - not mortgage as he has paid it off.

Sorry if you already said but is the house in joint names?