Partner applying for job with travel while wanting to start a family

[Milmilj]

My partner and I have been together for just over 2 years, moved in together and are thinking of starting a family. He's the one who has approached the topic of children and is desperate to start a family. Admittedly I’ve felt I would rather wait a little longer having just got a little promotion at work - plus he doesn’t want to marry for another few years and I want some time to get used to that idea of having children before marriage.

He has an interview for a job that will require him to travel abroad from time to time. At the moment we are unsure how often it will be but I can’t help but feel anxious and upset he has gone for the job without much discussion - especially when he is the one talking about babies. In his current job, he works away 3 days a month and he isn’t very passionate about it. I have to travel nearly an hour to work from home every day, so I just worry about the logistics of managing bringing up young children in an environment like this.

I guess I am asking: how has it worked out for others? I feel awful to ask, but is my partner being selfish? Am I being selfish? For the most part he will be working from home. I don't want to risk my own career… what if a child is ill when he’s away? Both of our parents still work and I wouldn’t want to assume the responsibility on them.

When I try to bring up such questions up he shuts down the conversation and says he needs to be in the headspace for the interview. I feel selfish for raising my concerns when it’s a job he clearly wants. But at the same time, I want the father of my children to be involved in raising them. I’m worried that while he is away I will struggle single parenting. We live in the middle of nowhere so help isn't just around the corner. Am I being too negative?

Thanks all.

He said he is done with travelling and wants to stay local. But then this job came up and he said how it’s the best of both worlds.

It’s a piece of paper that gives you legal rights you would not otherwise have. “just a piece of paper” is an infantile argument.

In any even a pp already pointed out that if it’s “just a piece of paper” to him then he shouldn’t mind either way if you have it or not, so why not get it because you want it?

Also, I would be deeply suspicious of any man who wants you to bear his children but is not prepared to stand up in front of witnesses to say how much he loves and values you.

“he doesn’t believe in the institution, it’s just a piece of paper and commitment is shown through being there every day and wanting children with me.”

Except if he just believed this, he wouldn't have also said that he wants to protect his assets and it wouldn't be a big deal for him to just marry you to keep you happy.

He KNOWS the difference it makes. He is prioritising his money not you and more to the point your potential children. He's not a catch. A good would be Dad would be considering his children's financial and emotional wellbeing being.

To this end he doesn't see you as 'forever'. He sees you as right now and only wants children with you because you are available now, when it suits him. If he got a better offer he'd be off.

If he can't commit to you and your children and give you security, then nope he's not the man to have children with. And he's actively LYING to you as part of this and him putting pressure on you to have children.

It's all about him. And what he wants and what suits him. Without a second thought to you. Or your long term well being.

If he was the right guy he wouldn't even be considering losing his assets because he'd be sure you'd be forever. And therein lies your issue.

Chuck him back. Work on your self esteem. If you have kids with him before getting married you WILL regret it.

As I say. He says things but as soon as he gets a better offer he's off chasing it.

He will do this with a woman too.

Quite a few people I know have kids before marriage

1. Just because someone is doing something, does not mean it is smart and that you should do it. You are in a vulnerable position, if he wants kids, he has to marry you first.

1. Circumstances vary. For some, marriage doesn't make a difference financially and/or there are difficult family dynamics at play. You don't know your friends' situations or motivations.

The point is YOU want to marry and his "beliefs " are irrelevant. It's black and white law, not Santa Claus ffs.

This. Read this over and over again @Milmilj. It was written by a very wise woman.

I agree I would be questioning his motives and approach entirely.

However, if you absolutely do want to marry and have children with this man, surely you can make a pre nuptial agreement that is suitable for both of you? That ensures he won’t lose everything he worked for in the event of divorce but also leaves you and your child financially safe given you would be on maternity leave etc. and don’t own your own home.

I absolutely would not have a child with him without some sort of security as it sounds like he is deliberately ensuring he can leave you homeless with your child if he wants to down the line.

Best for him. He jaunts around while you toil at home on the drudge work.

Think of all the tales of woe you have read here from women who ignored massive red flags and had kids with bounders who left them worn down, impoverished and alone. Really think hard.

They thought they could trust their men, too. And their offspring get the lifelong short end of the stick.

Marriage will be exactly the same, something he said but changed his mind about.

Gosh, a thousand times this. Please really digest what is being said here.

And maybe translate what he is really saying to you:

• I am not willing to risk any of my assets or financial security but I am fine with you doing so
• I am completely comfortable with you and our future child being left financially vulnerable, as long as I am not
• I am not willing to commit to you financially, but I expect you to commit your body, health, career and entire future to my wishes, and I expect you to not question whether this is fair or not
• I fully expect to get out of any of this completely scot free in the future, while being completely aware that this is impossible for you
• I have no plans to offer you or our child any financial protection at all, in the event of our relationship breaking down or me dying
• Your future and our child's future and security are not important to me at all, only mine is
• I don't really recognise or care about the things that are important to you, or the ways in which having a child is already a huge risk to you and not to me
• I am totally happy to hide behind the infantile 'it's just a piece of paper' crap, because it makes me feel superior and if it means I can manipulate you into agreeing to all the above then happy days.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but this is what he is telling you. Please please listen.

What the above person said ! You are bearing all the risk here. Can you explain that to him slowly ? That fact that he is older and you have low self confidence doesn’t sound great.

No marriage = no children.

I’d dump him tbh.

Also this:

"commitment is shown through being there every day and wanting children with me".

It really isn't! That's essentially just enjoying what is happening right now, which any fool can do. It isn't commitment at all.

OP, having a child with you whilst still “protecting his assets” means he wants to retain the right to throw you and your child out of his house with not even 24hrs notice, and no legal recourse if he does so. You could come back from the school run and find the locks changed and you’d be able to do nothing about it.

His attitude is horrible, and you should not have children with him. He is telling you loud and clear that he does not give a fuck about you beyond your child-bearing capabilities, and has no intention of keeping you around for the long term (probably planning to get rid of you in ten years’ time when he no longer needs you for childcare). Do NOT have children with him.

Again, I don’t think he is abusive. I think he’s just used to living how he wants to live and isn’t ready to settle down but age is prevailing.

When you have a child, you have to start putting their needs first, you can’t always live exactly the way you want to live. So he’s really not ready for children, he just knows that in 10 years, most women won’t be interested in having children with him (unless he’s extremely wealthy and can afford a nanny) so he wants to get on with it now.

I wouldn’t complete getting pregnant with him before getting married.

Oh god, men and their "it's just a piece of paper" shit 🙄

@Deliaskis great post

All. Of. This.

Do not have children if he won't marry you.

Red flag. Big red fucking flag

He's just not that into you if he's not marrying you.

To be fair you hear women saying it too. If it’s just a piece of paper, why make such a big deal about getting it?

And often then the same women 15 to 20 years later when he’s run off with a younger woman ‘what do you mean I don’t get a penny because the children are adults and the house and savings are all in his name’.

@Milmilj

OP for gods sake listen.

This board is full (to the brim) of women just like you who now find themselves chucked out, with children, in a perilous situation.

You have the chance now to avoid all that.

He knows perfectly well that marriage isn't just a piece of paper or an 'institution'. That's why he won't do it. Because he knows it means pooling assets. Which is of course for you the best course of action as he has already told you that you will be the default parent.

Once you have the baby, there's no ring coming because you are already trapped.

Honestly tho, I'd chuck him back. He wants absolutely everything on his own terms. He should want the best for you if he loves you and sees you as his equal.

He's getting on in age, he's desperate for a baby and frankly it seems like you are his incubator.

When I try to bring up such questions up he shuts down the conversation

Don't marry him, don't give up your job to have children with him. Just don't. Why would you with someone who can't discuss major life decisions like an adult.

And as for being with someone who is keen to have children and not share assets with you ... throw this one back. He does not have your best interests at heart, your life will be better without him.