Partner applying for job with travel while wanting to start a family

[Milmilj]

My partner and I have been together for just over 2 years, moved in together and are thinking of starting a family. He's the one who has approached the topic of children and is desperate to start a family. Admittedly I’ve felt I would rather wait a little longer having just got a little promotion at work - plus he doesn’t want to marry for another few years and I want some time to get used to that idea of having children before marriage.

He has an interview for a job that will require him to travel abroad from time to time. At the moment we are unsure how often it will be but I can’t help but feel anxious and upset he has gone for the job without much discussion - especially when he is the one talking about babies. In his current job, he works away 3 days a month and he isn’t very passionate about it. I have to travel nearly an hour to work from home every day, so I just worry about the logistics of managing bringing up young children in an environment like this.

I guess I am asking: how has it worked out for others? I feel awful to ask, but is my partner being selfish? Am I being selfish? For the most part he will be working from home. I don't want to risk my own career… what if a child is ill when he’s away? Both of our parents still work and I wouldn’t want to assume the responsibility on them.

When I try to bring up such questions up he shuts down the conversation and says he needs to be in the headspace for the interview. I feel selfish for raising my concerns when it’s a job he clearly wants. But at the same time, I want the father of my children to be involved in raising them. I’m worried that while he is away I will struggle single parenting. We live in the middle of nowhere so help isn't just around the corner. Am I being too negative?

Thanks all.

This. He’d have to find another woman on £50,000 a year (a really good, above average salary for a 34 year old woman) who is prepared to pay 50% of bills in someone else’s house plus let themselves be gaslit into thinking they are the ones at fault in wanting marriage and a present father for their children.

Is he the one suggesting you could easily be replaced or is it the residue of your previous abusive relationship?

Unfortunately, women coming out of one abusive relationship can be very vulnerable and fall into a new relationship that either isn’t as bad (but is still abusive) or is abusive in different ways. You need to seriously consider whether that is what has happened to you.

"he doesn’t believe in the institution, it’s just a piece of paper and commitment is shown through being there every day and wanting children with me."

Same trite old bullshit.

If he were madly in love with you, he'd be eager to marry.

What are your respective ages?

His behaviour is abusive if he recognises the unfairness and hypocrisy of what he is expecting of you but still refuses to change his behaviour and shuts down reasonable conversations about your concerns op.

He is at the very least a very very selfish man.... do you want to have children with a man like that?

Ask him what he would advise a daughter of his to do in this scenario?

This man is not good.

So he won’t risk his assets and marry you but you’re supposed to put yourself in an extremely vulnerable financial position by having a baby with him without being married? Can he not see the irony there?

I do think it's really key that you would marry him if the situation is reversed. At the very least you should have a partner who treats you how you'd treat them.

He's very clearly saying he doesn't want to offer you the protection marriage brings.

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't have children with someone who didn't want to offer me that protection and make it clear that it's marriage then kids or no kids.

It's also quite telling that he won't discuss details of childcare etc and shuts you down. That is not how it should be. You should be able to discuss all your concerns fully and calmly together.

“he doesn’t believe in the institution, it’s just a piece of paper and commitment is shown through being there every day and wanting children with me.”

This is the type of crap men who think they are intellectually superior say to women who they think are naive and stupid. He has zero respect for you OP and is taking you for an absolute mug.

The real commitment is not simply wanting children with you……it is stepping up to ensure that the family unit he is wanting to create with you is protected, secure, cared for and loved for the entirety of their lives. That means marriage and thus financial protection, showing up to parent equally always, sharing the physical, mental, financial and emotional load equally always. If he isn’t willing to commit to a ‘piece of paper’ he’s clearly demonstrating he is also unwilling to truly commit to being an active part of a well functioning family unit.

He's putting pressure on you because he really didn't think you'd say no op.

He thinks you as a woman would be so joyful to be offered the role of his incubator and nanny whilst he swans off around the world, his life remaining virtually unchanged and you there to facilitate his life and offspring happily because, you know, that's what women are for and love to do? Children are female hobbies aren't they.

God I want to shake you op, please don't ruin your life and have his children.

Op, you are allowed to ask for financial security from the father for yourself (as the carer) and your joint child.

I get the impression he is bullying/confusing/gaslighting you in to thinking you're some kind of gold digger if you ask for this.

Children need looking after, you either pay someone else to do it, or you do it yourself.

So it's fine when he says 'I want to keep all my money I've worked hard for for myself' to not feel too scared to say 'well you can't, babies cost money.'

I couldn't agree with this more. Well said!

I totally agree with this!

to be blunt, if anything happened to him would he not want to ensure you and his children have a home?

You can marry and he can keep his assets safe if he is so concerned but it doesn’t add up to me

You have a good wage have you been able to save towards buying somewhere of your own? I would ensure bills are split based on your incomes and not 50/50 you need to protect your assets too… I’m sure your dp will understand that as they are so invested in looking after theirs

He's too selfish to be a father.

Many men want a family but some just want it without all the work and commitment it involves. He sounds like that. He doesn't care about you as a person, he doesn't have the emotional maturity to really want to parent or have a family.

It's just a box he wants to tick and you are a perfect incubator.

He won't marry you before children because once you have children, you have ZERO negotiating power.

Just think, with his mortgage paid off, as a single man he could get away with earning very little. This job itself is a paycut. What's to stop him going down that route if you have children and split - he'd provide virtually no £ for his child.

Then there's that he used to work abroad and has a bit of a travel bug. Nothing wrong with that but it raises the risk if him just disappearing off if you split, and having zero financial security would make that worse.

This man does not sound committed to you nor does he seem father material.

So you’re 34 and he’s 40? Yet he’s not ready for marriage yet?

I wouldn’t have children with him if he’s not prepared to make a commitment. As a PP said, he could swan off and leave you to do everything, with little financial contribution towards his children.

I think he knows that he’s getting on age-wise to start a family, hence he’s so keen. But he needs to commit properly to you first. Please don’t get pregnant yet,

I do think he loves me - I’ve not made it easy for him and I haven’t given in to getting pregnant over the year. Surely he could have left me by now and found someone else more willing?

Gosh, this feels so sad that this is love to you - that it's some prize to have been kept on for breeding purposes instead of him ditching you for some other womb. You have way more value than that, whether you've 'made it easy' for him or not. And standing up for what you want isn't being difficult, you need to be equal partners in this, not beholden to what he wants just because he's older, richer and commitment averse. You don't have to be 'more willing' in case he leaves you for someone else. I'll bet he's more scared deep down that you'll leave him, and that's why he's panicked about his assets and trying to get you knocked up, without him actually having to risk putting his own money where his mouth is.

If he’s in love with you, he’ll be willing to make some compromises and understand your perspective. As others have said, you’re not an incubator, you need to work as a team to raise a family.

Tell him to stick £30k in your account as security for it all going wrong before you get pregnant if he won't get married and you aren't on the deeds-at least you will then have that in hand if you do need to go and rent- I'm ever the pragmatist!

So basically you’re not worth the risk of marriage unless you prove yourself by producing a baby?

Honestly you’re a fool to stay with him. He’s not a keeper.

I don't think he's abusive.

He's selfish and looking after his own interests.

Which is fine.

So should you.

But the 2 cannot coexist unless you have your own security.

"it’s just a piece of paper "

If that's all it is, then why would he not get the "just a piece of paper".

He knows and you know why.

So whilst you think, you need to ask him some questions:

• If he is so determined to protect his asset, why hasn’t he suggested buying a new place together and his contribution to the deposit being ring fenced in the deeds?
• When you are on maternity leave, will you still be expected to contribute 50% of the bills? Even if you’re on SMP/unpaid?
• When you are on maternity leave, will your reduced pension contributions be counted a household bill and therefore will he agree to collectively topping up your pension while you’re off looking after his child?
• If he is so determined to protect his asset, what is the plan to make sure you have an asset if something goes wrong? Or at least some equity? Is he prepared to buy an investment property with you?
• On maternity leave, will you be expected to go back to work as soon as paid maternity leave ends or can you take as long as you want?
• How is he prepared to financially protect you (and your future children) if he were to die? Does the house pass to you or back to his parents? Are you listed, or would you be, as a beneficiary on his pensions, death in service or life insurance? If the house is going to revert to his parents or your children, would you have a lifetime interest in the property meaning you can stay there? Or will you be expected to find a new home after losing your partner?
• What if your future child has additional needs and you need to cut down on hours, will you still be expected to contribute 50/50?
• What if you take a lower paid, more flexible role or drop hours to accommodate childcare, are you still expected to contribute 50/50?

Talk about him having his cake and eating it too.
You talk a lot about what he wants but doesn’t sounds it’s what you want (you want to delay TTC, marriage first etc). He either has to get on the same page as you (no, you don’t have to compromise on any of it, you deserve your career, an involved Husband and father) or you need to let him go.

Oh OP, he is sounding worse and worse with every update.

In terms of him wanting to cohabit - his reasonings are that he doesn’t believe in the institution, it’s just a piece of paper and commitment is shown through being there every day and wanting children with me.
I pressed further and it ended up with him saying he doesn’t want to risk losing his assets that he’s worked for all of his life. He then said if it was the other way round what would I do. I said I’d marry.

In that exchange he has:

• lied to you
• assumed you were thick enough to fall for it
• judged you by his own questionable moral compass

And when you say

I haven't made it easy for him

I bet what has actually happened is that your subconscious has picked up on the many, many red flags he is waving and that as a result there have been times when you have felt uncertain and insecure. Which he has gaslighted into making you think is your problem, you making things difficult, you making things hard for him.

The thing is, op, marriage is a transaction - you are literally signing a contract. So, yes, it's transactional (as well as all the nice fluffy bits that go with it). People cohabit, of course they do, and you cite high divorce rates as a reason. Well, imagine those cohabiting, having children and then separating. It's a few years down the line, you've gone part time, got a lower paid job or given up working completely. Partly, you have prioritised your children. Partly, you have facilitated your partner's career and helped him increase his earning potential, all the time whilst reducing your own.

Your partner decides he's had enough, wants to call it a day on your relationship and go travelling. You're left with two kids, not earning enough to sustain you (who will inevitably end up having the children living with you), no access to any assets, and limited earning potential to get a better paid job, having put your skills and experience on hold for several years. He may have to pay maintenance, unless he wants to go 50/ 50 shared care, which means you get nothing. And you have no capital behind you, either. Is your partner also opposed to you being on the mortgage deeds?

I can't stress enough to you just how risky having children before marriage is. You've got a good, well paid job and career behind you. Don't risk it all just because you dp wants you to take a 'leap of faith' whilst protecting his own wealth. You will carry the children, you will birth the children, you will nurture the children, and you'll be left trying to make ends meet for the children that he pressurised you into having.

Op, I don't think he's a bad person, or abusive. But I do think he's taking a selfish and entitled approach to your body and your future prospects and your interests. He stands to gain, or keep everything. You?

How do you think you would fare with him should any of your children be born with disabilities, illness or other high needs?

But at any time he could move abroad permanently and sell the house from under her.
She would have zero rights and be out on the street with his children.

Do CMS chase men abroad?
I doubt it.