To be really, genuinely annoyed we have to go through menopause

[OptimismvsRealism]

Honestly it's hard not to suspect that nature hates women - I feel like a second class member of the species

I hate the constant anxiety in my life now, hate that the choice to have a baby is probably gone, hate that no one respects older women (I always did!! I knew this would come for me eventually!), hate how long it takes to be "ready" for sex now

Why isn't this cured yet? If men had menopause it would be.

I eat very well- tons of veg- walk everywhere, swim and hardly drink.I know this sounds joyless but I was never much of a drinker, and I like veg. Weight gain around my tummy is an issue but I feel healthy and am actually fitter than I was in my 30s.

You sound clinically depressed rather than pissed off rather than fed up about menopause

I've had absolutely no problems getting older and going through the menopause many years ago. Neither have my sisters and nor did my mother.

Not everyone suffers.

Yes, I'm 66 and still occasionally reflect on how so many of the effects of menopause took me entirely by surprise. It's like a nasty secret that's kept from us for maximum impact.

Not everyone can have HRT - perhaps consider that these 'panaceas' are not for everyone, so please don't make throwaway/challenging remarks

because it isn't that common -

and IMO could really benefit from a proactive, positive mindset on this issue rather than expecting catastrophe.

I agree with this, otherwise it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

I'm out the other side and it has it's benefits - no more periods and no more period pains. I realise now the emotional rollercoaster that hormones put you through over your entire adult life, I'm much calmer with no temper; no hairs under my armpits, much less leg hair. I don't bother with make up, so no more male pestering, I can just go about my normal life without having to fend people off. It's actually pretty great.

synchronised reproduction...

yes, spot the evolutionary biologist!

Humans have no "breeding season". We don't depend on the weather, prehistorically, we depend on the circumstances of the tribe. If a tribe is in a good position to reproduce, then many couples reproduce at a similar time. Have you ever wondered why so many men are so aroused by porn? It is a visual signal that others in the tribe are reproducing, and to synchronise reproduction, then this is a good time for you to reproduce as well.

So a non synchronised tribe has one baby born a year. Baby one is undernourished because mum can't make milk (breast feeding ability is not universal among humans) so baby 1 is passed around some of the tribe's grandmothers, who produce enough calories for him between them, but not enough protein or vitamins.

Baby 2 next year gets breast milk from mum, but mum can't go hunting or foraging as baby is EBF so that particular family unit has a work force at 50%

Baby 3 the following year has an anxious and unconfident mother as she has seen her cousins struggles.

OR in a tribe 3 babies are born within a couple of months. One mother can babysit and feed all 3 for half a day at a time, and all babies are fed, and two out of three mums can still forage and hunt, so the workforce is down by 1/6, not 1/2.

Incidentally, this is where the gay uncle comes in! A relatively large % of human men are gay. probably about 5%. The lower down you are in the birth order, the more likely you are to be gay.

Hello, supply of "spare" men, to hunt for and protect their nieces and nephews, without adding to the tribes burden of babies themselves. Can replace a lost father, or just supplement a living father who is not much good at hunting!

The complications and difficulties in raising human children account for the year long cycle of periods, as children are helpless for so long that being born in an abundant or austere season is meaningless, they will be infants throughout all seasons, so flexibility and the ability to synchronise reproduction mattered.

And accounts for the relatively high number of gays in the population - most other species have no life-long gays at all - and again, like the menopause, human kind would not have survived without them. Homosexuality and menopause- both provide additional carers for family/tribe infants, who are too much for the parents alone to provide for, protect and educate to adulthood

"The thing that really pisses me off is how difficult it is to lose weight and how very easy it is to put on."

Presumably this evolutionary advantage is just trying to get us to be even more like the whales? 😁

I'm low-key dreading the menopause, I'm only 39 and have got noticeably more sweaty over the last year or so which makes me wonder is this is the start of the slope to peri.... I don't have any surviving female relations who went through meno naturally to ask either (I think it's true your experience often is similar to your mum?). But I plan to take all the available drugs and hope for the best!

A close friend used to tell me how she'd had absolutely no issues with meno, etc.

And then part of her spine collapsed through osteoporosis.

Same. Many women find climbing off that monthly rollercoaster a blessing. It's great no longer being hijacked by your hormones, like getting the self you were before puberty back. You're free to focus on what really matters to you, and it's generally not men.

All the people saying ‘well I had a great menopause. Didn’t suffer at all. Breezed through it’ is not helpful to the OP. Everyone’s experience is difference and their symptoms shouldn’t be minimalised. Just because anxiety isn’t a common symptom doesn’t make it any less real.

I don't like to diagnose over the internet but as pp said, OP may have depression rather than menopausal anxiety. Certainly plenty of reasons to be depressed these days. I had PND and I well recognise that feeling of not being able to get out of bed.

I think the comments meant to say that the menopause isn't horrible for everyone. There is also much more help available these days. In this case I think that the OP needs to see her GP as I think there is more than just the peri menopause going on.

I did not suggest anxiety was not real - I said it was not common in response to the PP saying it wasn't discussed enough. Something that isn't common to something is often overlooked.
Read the post before jumping to conclusions
And conversely, why shouldn't we share our good stories of menopause? No point in just being an echo chamber where anyone concerned or fed up about menopause is only fed the shit side of it. That will make them more concerned.
Honestly, you cannot have a different opinion, even on aibu

I had a pretty easy menopause, but always resented having periods. So much inconvenience and mess, just to have the capacity to do something I was never remotely interested in doing.

I was very glad to have my periods end. Fibroids then having to take warfarin for a blood clotting disorder gave me the periods from hell. Flooding which could soak through all protection in a matter of minutes.

So I was lucky to have my periods stopped by an endometrial ablation a few years before menopause came in.

57 now, with no periods anyway I'm just assuming menopause has been and gone. No HRT because of blood clotting risk.

Now I'm just old and forgetful.

God you lot are bloody depressing📧The upside of menopause

1. You don't give a fuck
2. No periods
3. You are your own woman
4. No chance of an unwanted pregnancy
5. You look great, you feel great - just do not look 20/30 any more. Embrace the new you.
6. You realise it is Ok not to look perfect
7. You can become that opinionated old lady - channel your Miriam Margolyes (or Carol Voderman, but she is not my hero as I can't be arsed to work that hard on my body)
8. Keep healthy but don't bust a gut (your gut wont disappear without torture like activity)
9. It is ok to be middle age, middle of the road and average looking.
10. Have that glass of wine and slice of cake.
11. Go on solo holidays or holidays with friends
12. If any one has anything to say revert to #1.

I am 58, fat middle aged with cracking boobs about to tackle a home work out.
Hubby is away and I am enjoying the me time. Seeing a friend tonight and I feel happy and at peace.

I really think you should, if you haven't already, get some medical help for the debilitating mental health symptoms you are experiencing. Crippling anxiety and depression are not inevitable parts of the menopause. It is also not necessarily the case that your chances of having a baby are gone at 42 ( I had one at 45). That may be your depression talking. You are still young, don't suffer in silence. You may need to speak to more than one doctor, as some aren't as helpful as they could be, but don't give up.

I'm with you OP.

Only 42. Menopause is kicking my ass. Night sweats. Brain fog. I cry all.the.bloody.time

I can't sleep.

My bones ache
I'm spotty.

I can't lose frigging weight despite trying.

The only positive thing. Is no more periods.

Solo holidays and mini breaks! I totally recommend them. I go on many and enjoy my time on my own. Spend a lot of time planning them.

@MessyNeate that was me at your age. I was too nervous to see the GP in case they told me I was imagining it.

Go and get HRT.

That's the main thing with women, they don't want the truth they want some dramatic story they have made up in their head, I am glad there are women who have had less issues than others I don't need to hear how bad everyone had it to make myself feel better, I say this about anything and sure I am not the op but this 'only tell me what I have already decided' helps noone

Women having less trouble is a good thing

Yes, it would appear that even god or nature are misogynistic. Only silver lining is that we have the gift of being able to give birth. For me it was the most beautiful gift ever. However, we go through hell with periods, labour and menopause. The latest being the biggest betrayal and most unfair of all.