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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bride in need I really don't know where to turn

487 replies

ForBetterForWorseOrNot · 11/07/2024 02:18

15 years and two kids down the line into out relationship, 6 weeks until our wedding and his on about calling the whole thing off because his not happy how I haven't lost the weight he wants me to before the wedding. Apparently I have made absolutely no effort. Doesn't matter that I have organised the whole thing whilst working a full time job, learning a new role in a job I hate because he wanted me to find something that pays better.

My hen is supposed to be this weekend with my bf, his sil his dm, his eldest niece and a couple others mainly his family. Everything was fine earlier today. His said so many times how I've not lost the weight but that he loves me anyway and I know his going to marry me either way. Currently on holiday with the kids, his taken a few photos today, zoomed in on me, sent them to me this evening and resulted to silent treatment. When I asked him about it he said I've made no effort at all about my weight and that his going to message everyone saying due to unforseen circumstances the wedding is off.

Right now I'm not sure I want to marry him after this. But if he does would it be wrong to tell people exactly what's happened and tell him the house is going on the market. How can you tell your partner of 15 years she's overweight (size 16 to 18) and your calling off the wedding that's 6 weeks away to callingvher babe in the same sentence. He was literally cuddling up to me in the pub watching the England match 5 hours ago.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 11/07/2024 08:50

I don’t think the weight is yiur only issue
do you work full time pay 50/50 at his demands and do most of the childcare all of the admin and most of the housework

Mumofoneandone · 11/07/2024 08:52

Time to get your ducks in a row!
Better to cancel wedding than go through with it and then divorce - but you let people know exactly why the wedding has been called off.
Then get the house on market (at least you're on the deeds!) and start moving on with your life. If he has family nearby, insist he stays with them.
Stay in your job for the moment, but then start job hunting for something you are happier with.
It's not easy to make all these changes but get through the practical side of things and then allow yourself to grieve for the life you had planned.
You deserve better than him.

DancingNotDrowning · 11/07/2024 08:53

He’s feeling jittery ( and maybe even protective of op) because the truth is society judges the overweight- and harshly

@Calliopespa that is the most bullshit excuse I’ve ever heard for abuse. Please don’t attempt to justify this arseholes behaviour. He is a revolting bully and there is nothing protective or in anyway decent in his approach.

Butchyrestingface · 11/07/2024 08:55

If he isn't just saying this after a few too many. Would I be unreasonable to message his family in the hen group and just say, enjoy the weekend I hope you all celebrate that his called it off as he thinks im too fat for him to marry as effectively that's exactly what his saying.

He hasn't "effectively" said it. He HAS said it. I would not marry this person. You've repeatedly stated that you've stood by him through a lot, so it sounds like he's led you a merry dance already.

I'd be telling friends and family exactly why the wedding is off. You deserve their support.

Luxell934 · 11/07/2024 08:56

Sorry but he doesn’t love you, you could never say those things to someone you truly loved. Never.

TheShiningCarpet · 11/07/2024 08:57

It’s not about your weight…tell him to get to fuck

AutismHelp1980 · 11/07/2024 08:57

Wtaf, why are you with him? What a cruel, abusive bastard. I feel for you and the kids growing up in this environment. The weight is the last of your issues, he’s the biggest fucking weight to lose.

Calliopespa · 11/07/2024 08:59

DancingNotDrowning · 11/07/2024 08:53

He’s feeling jittery ( and maybe even protective of op) because the truth is society judges the overweight- and harshly

@Calliopespa that is the most bullshit excuse I’ve ever heard for abuse. Please don’t attempt to justify this arseholes behaviour. He is a revolting bully and there is nothing protective or in anyway decent in his approach.

No I’m not justifying his behaviour. I said very clearly he is wrong to buy into it.

But I also feel very strongly that society more generally creates an unhealthy attitude that then does feed into relationships. We all have a duty to promote attitudes that don’t shame and ridicule.

SerafinasGoose · 11/07/2024 09:00

He isn't good enough for you. Don't let him erode your confidence to the extent you ever believe it's the other way round.

It's not you. It's him.

NewDogOwner · 11/07/2024 09:00

Do not cover for him. Tell the truth unless you want to keep that to yourself for your own reasons.

Calliopespa · 11/07/2024 09:03

Choochoo21 · 11/07/2024 08:42

15 years and two kids down the line

He doesn’t want to marry you.
Its that simple.

He has obviously been trying to find a way to get out of getting married and as the time has gotten closer and it’s becoming more real, he’s looking for any excuse to get out of it.

As you have DC it is actually beneficial for you to be married.

So I would go ahead with the wedding as planned and tell him if he wants to call it off and end the relationship then that’s on him to do (not try and get you to do it for him so he doesn’t look like the bad guy to everyone else - which is exactly what he’s trying to do).

You carry on.
You have an amazing hen night and as good of a wedding as you possibly can.
See it as a celebration of your life and kids, rather than marrying an absolute twat.

Once you are officially married then I’d seriously consider ending the relationship.

Edited

Why would you go through with it with an intention to leave thereafter?

J0S · 11/07/2024 09:03

wildfellhall · 11/07/2024 08:27

I always believe it's worth having marriage guidance at least a few sessions when thinking about ending a long partnership particularly when there are kids and even more so if there is a child with more challenges.

At the very least - you could make parting smoother as you get the chance to understand the other's point of view.

I agree that what he said sounds unacceptable- but I want to know why he is saying this now?

Men do care how their partners look, they are more visually focused aren't they? And the wedding is the photos and the status and everyone looking at the couple. It's like he's had a panic and doesn't want to be judged.

Now of course the impact on you is horrendous but what he's said may have come from a childish place not a place of hatred for you. And I'm. Or saying it's acceptable!

Weddings can drop a bomb into people's relationships and create unpredictable outbursts which appear to make no sense. I hate this about weddings. They can cause do much anguish as there's too much pressure, they cost a fortune, people fear judgment etc

I'm not saying this is acceptable but the relationship should be judged on its length and the heavy lifting it's done for the whole family.

I am the same size and I would be devastated - but throwing away a working relationship which supports a family - that's crazy - if possible it would be much better to sack off the wedding. It's clearly freaking him out. Then work on your relationship as a priority.

I wouldn't tell people why until you know what's actually going on with him and how much he loves you. I think it's possible to have said something horrible to someone you love.

It’s NOT a “ working relationship “, it’s an abusive one. The sooner the OP gets the support she needs to leave him , the better.

DancingNotDrowning · 11/07/2024 09:04

@Calliopespa saying he is wrong but society made him do it, is absolutely excusing his behaviour.

NeedToChangeName · 11/07/2024 09:05

wildfellhall · 11/07/2024 08:27

I always believe it's worth having marriage guidance at least a few sessions when thinking about ending a long partnership particularly when there are kids and even more so if there is a child with more challenges.

At the very least - you could make parting smoother as you get the chance to understand the other's point of view.

I agree that what he said sounds unacceptable- but I want to know why he is saying this now?

Men do care how their partners look, they are more visually focused aren't they? And the wedding is the photos and the status and everyone looking at the couple. It's like he's had a panic and doesn't want to be judged.

Now of course the impact on you is horrendous but what he's said may have come from a childish place not a place of hatred for you. And I'm. Or saying it's acceptable!

Weddings can drop a bomb into people's relationships and create unpredictable outbursts which appear to make no sense. I hate this about weddings. They can cause do much anguish as there's too much pressure, they cost a fortune, people fear judgment etc

I'm not saying this is acceptable but the relationship should be judged on its length and the heavy lifting it's done for the whole family.

I am the same size and I would be devastated - but throwing away a working relationship which supports a family - that's crazy - if possible it would be much better to sack off the wedding. It's clearly freaking him out. Then work on your relationship as a priority.

I wouldn't tell people why until you know what's actually going on with him and how much he loves you. I think it's possible to have said something horrible to someone you love.

@wildfellhall "I'm concerned your weight may cause health issues for you" might be hurtful but could come from love and concern

OP's fiance isn't demonstrating this at all

OP, I suggest you call his bluff "I think you're right, we should postpone the wedding". This will give you breathing space

Burntout101 · 11/07/2024 09:07

Listen to your heart, not your head. You've posted on here for a reason. Good luck with everything

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 11/07/2024 09:08

Go ahead and tell his family he’s called off the wedding because you are too fat.

Because what you are supposed to do is beg him to still marry you. You are supposed to promise to be “better” to lose weight. You are supposed to be grateful he’s prepared to go through with marrying you and then spend every day of married life being grateful he’s been prepared to stick with you.

So call him out on it. That’s how he feels, fine. Tell his family first, the hen do isn’t going ahead as he has called off the wedding because you are too fat. They can still have a lovely weekend away they’ve paid for.

id then switch off my phone and let him deal with the fall out.

you are definitely not supposed to accept this. Accepting it will cause panic.

Superfoodie123 · 11/07/2024 09:09

That is shocking - this is a sign! get out now don't be a mug

Phoenix06 · 11/07/2024 09:11

I voted YABU as you would be if you stay with him and marry him.

What an arsehole, this is downright abusive. Please get out, you deserve so much more.

echt · 11/07/2024 09:12

Men do care how their partners look, they are more visually focused aren't they?
Do point us at the research that proves this

And the wedding is the photos and the status and everyone looking at the couple. It's like he's had a panic and doesn't want to be judged.

So. Fucking. What.

Chartreux · 11/07/2024 09:12

Tell people the wedding is off because he's shown you just in time that he's not worth marrying.

Calliopespa · 11/07/2024 09:13

DancingNotDrowning · 11/07/2024 09:04

@Calliopespa saying he is wrong but society made him do it, is absolutely excusing his behaviour.

I didn’t say that. I said he was wrong to buy into it. That is not excusing him.

But society generally does need to address their attitudes because a society is made up of individuals who don’t develop their attitudes in a vacuum. Nonetheless, we all have a duty ( as did he) to examine what we take from societal mores.
Society didn’t “ make him do it.” But the more society holds that attitude, thd more people will treat people this way. That’s not excusing: it’s axiomatic.

isthismylifenow · 11/07/2024 09:13

I know which way you should turn... around, the other way and walk away from him.

I know its easier said than done, but his behaviour is shocking and I am not sure I could forgive this.

COPPER3 · 11/07/2024 09:16

Oh Sweetheart. I have only read a couple of pages in, but didn't want to not comment.

If, after you have read all of the replies, you decide to cancel the wedding. Then, yes, tell everyone the true reason, that he thinks you are overweight and wants you to cancel because of.
Despicable. This is not LOVE.
DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.

On an emotional level, women gain weight to protect themselves. So there is a part of you that wants to protect yourself from this wanker.
I wish you well darling and hope that you find the beautiful person you are one day.

Gul8 · 11/07/2024 09:17

ForBetterForWorseOrNot · 11/07/2024 02:18

15 years and two kids down the line into out relationship, 6 weeks until our wedding and his on about calling the whole thing off because his not happy how I haven't lost the weight he wants me to before the wedding. Apparently I have made absolutely no effort. Doesn't matter that I have organised the whole thing whilst working a full time job, learning a new role in a job I hate because he wanted me to find something that pays better.

My hen is supposed to be this weekend with my bf, his sil his dm, his eldest niece and a couple others mainly his family. Everything was fine earlier today. His said so many times how I've not lost the weight but that he loves me anyway and I know his going to marry me either way. Currently on holiday with the kids, his taken a few photos today, zoomed in on me, sent them to me this evening and resulted to silent treatment. When I asked him about it he said I've made no effort at all about my weight and that his going to message everyone saying due to unforseen circumstances the wedding is off.

Right now I'm not sure I want to marry him after this. But if he does would it be wrong to tell people exactly what's happened and tell him the house is going on the market. How can you tell your partner of 15 years she's overweight (size 16 to 18) and your calling off the wedding that's 6 weeks away to callingvher babe in the same sentence. He was literally cuddling up to me in the pub watching the England match 5 hours ago.

What an ass. He pushes you down so he can feel better about himself and probably has very low self esteem. He is toxic and verbally abusive and you deserve better than this.

I saw my dad treat my mum like this (about her weight) while I was growing up. In the nicest way possible, it's really damaging to a child being a bystander to this behaviour.

If he wants to save your relationship then he needs to get some therapy to deal with the issues that he has and to stop projecting them on to you.

You deserve to be loved for who you are.

rainfordays · 11/07/2024 09:18

He does not want to get married and is making up an excuse to blame you instead of manning up and saying what he really feels.