Bride in need I really don't know where to turn

[ForBetterForWorseOrNot]

15 years and two kids down the line into out relationship, 6 weeks until our wedding and his on about calling the whole thing off because his not happy how I haven't lost the weight he wants me to before the wedding. Apparently I have made absolutely no effort. Doesn't matter that I have organised the whole thing whilst working a full time job, learning a new role in a job I hate because he wanted me to find something that pays better.

My hen is supposed to be this weekend with my bf, his sil his dm, his eldest niece and a couple others mainly his family. Everything was fine earlier today. His said so many times how I've not lost the weight but that he loves me anyway and I know his going to marry me either way. Currently on holiday with the kids, his taken a few photos today, zoomed in on me, sent them to me this evening and resulted to silent treatment. When I asked him about it he said I've made no effort at all about my weight and that his going to message everyone saying due to unforseen circumstances the wedding is off.

Right now I'm not sure I want to marry him after this. But if he does would it be wrong to tell people exactly what's happened and tell him the house is going on the market. How can you tell your partner of 15 years she's overweight (size 16 to 18) and your calling off the wedding that's 6 weeks away to callingvher babe in the same sentence. He was literally cuddling up to me in the pub watching the England match 5 hours ago.

I wouldn't have this man carry my shopping, never mind consider marrying him.

Sorry to be harsh but he doesn't want to marry you. He knows what size you are and is just using it as an excuse.

This is the craziest thing I've read on Mumsnet.. I can't pick my jaw up off the floor GET HIM TO F*CK and pronto!! What a grade A arsehole. I am so mad for you! What an awful awful thing for anyone to say let alone your soon to be husband, please do not marry this git. He'll be Brad Pitt by the sounds of it, yes?

This has to be one of the saddest things I've ever read. Obviously after all this leaving isn't going to be just as easy but at the very least stand your ground and do not marry this man, that will give him something to think about, although honestly I think he wants you to call it off. No person is that mean without an ulterior motive!

Do you want to be made to feel like this for the rest of your life. You know the answer, it’s not right. Call it off, be in control rather than the other way around. Yes it will be awful but it’s also awful the way you are being treated by someone you plan on getting married to. No one in their right mind would suggest you stay.

Do. Not. Marry. Him.
Look at it objectively.
No matter how much you 'love him' he doesn't love you. He has shown you this. His behaviour is nasty, manipulative, and uncaring.

If he deigns to marry you now, he will continue to use this as a stick to abuse you with, every time he doesn't get his own way, every time you step out of line (according to his rules).

Imagine 15 years into the future. Children have grown up seeing poor relationship modelling. You've become an absolute shell of your original self.

Be brave, make the hard choices now and look forward.

I think you're experiencing the real him that he's managed to keep pretty well hidden for such a long time. I'm aware that there was a football match last evening and there's always an uptick in domestic abuse after one ... sounds like you're on the receiving end of emotional abuse.
As others have said, walk away, cancel the wedding, you deserve someone who will accept you for who you are and not try to change you.
If you marry him, there will always be something that you are getting wrong or need to change about yourself.

Your post really struck a cord, my ex was like this. He said some awful things to me, including wanting me to look a certain way and wear a certain dress when he proposed (I left before a proposal) he told me he was ashamed of me, my weight was disrespectful to him, how he had turned down many women for me 🤣 I couldn't see this as at the time but it was abuse. This is just a flavour. Get out, you deserve more.

I am very overweight. I have been overweight all my adult life for various reasons (health, past traumas etc) Not once in over 35 years has my husband made a negative comment or told me to lose weight. he knows its a struggle and he knows why. I am currently dieting very slowly (2 stone in 18 months with 4 to go) he has been nothing but supportive. and this is EXACTLY how it should be. you say you have stood by him so clearly he has not been perfect. You do not need this in your life, you really dont. your partner should always be in your corner and behind you all the way. yours isnt. he doesnt deserve this relationship. He is shallow.

For me it would depend how representative his behaviour is of the way he has been during the entire 15 years of your relationship. Is he frazzled and lashing out at you with words he will know will hurt but it's not typical of his normal behaviour? Not to excuse it but people can go a bit bonkers with stress before getting married and it would be a shame to throw the whole thing away if this is atypical behaviour from him.

However, if he is bringing up the weight issue unilaterally and you are actually perfectly happy with the status quo, and never raise the topic yourself, that would certainly be a major concern.

I mean it’s your choice about staying with your man, personally I would say to him please don’t get involved I’ll loose the weight because I want to. Just FYI ive lost a stone in under 3 weeks in a calorie deficit and light exercise so in 6 weeks you could probably loose 1.5st if you stay committed
that’s if YOU want to not him

What a fucking shithead. I am so sorry, OP

Well he’s just a walking red flag isn’t he ?Why on earth would you want to marry such a controlling and unpleasant arsehole ? He’s watched you organise the whole thing and he’s clearly got cold feet and is looking for a reason to back out. So he’s blaming you in the worst possible way. Why has it taken 15 years and two kids for him to consider marriage ?

I would be the one to call it off to be honest. Don’t wait for him to email everyone with some shit excuse to cover his fucking awful behaviour. Tell everyone the truth and then get your ducks in a row and leave. You can do much better than stay with a shithead who has no idea what love is and would put his desire for a ‘trophy bride’ above the welfare of his partner of 15 years and the mother of his children.

I'd use the hen night as the night to announce exactly why you aren't getting married, include a wee handout of his texts if you have them.

Has he got you to a point yet where he's convinced you that you are so fat, no one else will want you and he's doing you a favour and you should be grateful for all eternity? If not, I suspect it won't be long.

I'm also going to assume he isn't a picture of health or beauty himself and doesn't look like he did 15 years ago either. Dick head.

He's treating you with utter contempt and you are worth more than that. This is especially true as you have children together who will naturally use the relationship of their parents as the benchmark for what a good relationship is.

I think rather than dietary advice, an exit strategy is what’s needed here.

Why you’d want to marry someone like that or continue the relationship in any way is beyond me. What an utterly revolting specimen.

I worked with a head teacher whose husband used to weigh her when she got home on a Friday. If her weight had risen she would not be allowed to eat any of the take away or wine they had over the weekend.He would eat and drink whatever he wanted. Technology moved on and for her 50th birthday he bought her a fit bit and connected it to her phone AND HIS. During the day we would see her suddenly start walking round and round the school. It was because he had checked her step count and had texted to tell her that she wasn't moving enough. She was 5'4" and a size 8. She never ate celebration cakes and had minute portions at staff Christmas meals. He had a tracker on her car so he could check that she was at the gym. He checked her gym gear to be sure she'd exercised rather than just sat in the carpark. They didn't attend her sisters wedding because her sister was fat. It has all started with little things and , like the frog in boiling water, she just got sucked in to this being normal. The worst thing was that he was a very long way away from being Brad Pitt. Apparently that didn't matter.

Fucking run.

Walk away. Walk away. Walk away.
He is making you feel inadequate, unattractive, not good enough, stressed, unhappy.
He is showing himself to be uncaring, unloving, controlling, a twat.
Maybe you want to bumble on a bit as partners, but from what you have shared, I don't think marriage or staying together long term would be a good plan.x

Run!!

Jesus!

Please tell me she is not still living like this.

This.
Didn't want to do it the whole time and dares to give such a reason.
Wouldn't wipe my shoes off on such a person.

Firstly, because MNers always tell women to marry the man they have children with, so they are more financially secure.

And secondly, as petty as it sounds, I wouldn’t allow him to get away with this.

He obviously doesn’t want to get married but has no intention of ending the relationship.
He just wants OP to call off the wedding.

He should have never agreed to get married or just been honest about changing his mind.

But instead he’s trying to make OP feel so insecure that she ends up cancelling the wedding and having to let all of her guests know that it was ‘her’ choice to cancel.

I agree with all those advising you to lose a good 200lb in one go...