Bride in need I really don't know where to turn

[ForBetterForWorseOrNot]

15 years and two kids down the line into out relationship, 6 weeks until our wedding and his on about calling the whole thing off because his not happy how I haven't lost the weight he wants me to before the wedding. Apparently I have made absolutely no effort. Doesn't matter that I have organised the whole thing whilst working a full time job, learning a new role in a job I hate because he wanted me to find something that pays better.

My hen is supposed to be this weekend with my bf, his sil his dm, his eldest niece and a couple others mainly his family. Everything was fine earlier today. His said so many times how I've not lost the weight but that he loves me anyway and I know his going to marry me either way. Currently on holiday with the kids, his taken a few photos today, zoomed in on me, sent them to me this evening and resulted to silent treatment. When I asked him about it he said I've made no effort at all about my weight and that his going to message everyone saying due to unforseen circumstances the wedding is off.

Right now I'm not sure I want to marry him after this. But if he does would it be wrong to tell people exactly what's happened and tell him the house is going on the market. How can you tell your partner of 15 years she's overweight (size 16 to 18) and your calling off the wedding that's 6 weeks away to callingvher babe in the same sentence. He was literally cuddling up to me in the pub watching the England match 5 hours ago.

I always believe it's worth having marriage guidance at least a few sessions when thinking about ending a long partnership particularly when there are kids and even more so if there is a child with more challenges.

At the very least - you could make parting smoother as you get the chance to understand the other's point of view.

I agree that what he said sounds unacceptable- but I want to know why he is saying this now?

Men do care how their partners look, they are more visually focused aren't they? And the wedding is the photos and the status and everyone looking at the couple. It's like he's had a panic and doesn't want to be judged.

Now of course the impact on you is horrendous but what he's said may have come from a childish place not a place of hatred for you. And I'm. Or saying it's acceptable!

Weddings can drop a bomb into people's relationships and create unpredictable outbursts which appear to make no sense. I hate this about weddings. They can cause do much anguish as there's too much pressure, they cost a fortune, people fear judgment etc

I'm not saying this is acceptable but the relationship should be judged on its length and the heavy lifting it's done for the whole family.

I am the same size and I would be devastated - but throwing away a working relationship which supports a family - that's crazy - if possible it would be much better to sack off the wedding. It's clearly freaking him out. Then work on your relationship as a priority.

I wouldn't tell people why until you know what's actually going on with him and how much he loves you. I think it's possible to have said something horrible to someone you love.

What is it exactly you love about him?
Genuine question - sometimes people say they love someone but when they try to figure out why they realise they actually don't

What the very fuck have I just read?!

I read posts on here about some truly awful partners but this cunt you've landed yourself with really is a vile specimen.

I say this to not be a smug bastard but to hopefully make you realise how far removed for acceptable this is.

I have a lovely relationship, we are 50/50 and I'm very happy. If my dp was to and we have 4 kids, we've been together many years and jointly own our house etc and if he ever, no matter how lovely things are day to day, but ever did anything like this he'd be gone. And I'm hope the same for any woman. Unless this fucker is a multimillionaire leaving you his estate and is 3 hours away from taking his final breath, I'd see no reason to even consider staying.

Fuck him, fuck his audacity, fuck giving him any more of your life.

What happens when you're a size 10 through fear and misery? Do you get threatened with divorce if you don't have regular botox to keep you fresher looking? What then? Nah, save yourself another 15 years of being tied to him.

Please don’t marry an abuser. You and your children deserve better. 🌺

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

What an absolute prick! Your better off not marrying him!

He's telling her she's too fat , how do you work that out?

I'd ask him to.leave. I would also mention that you are fully aware that he would like you to be slimmer, likewise you would like somebody with better moral fibre and a nice sized dick .... hey ho, we are both not getting what we want.

He doesn't love you. Why would you even consider staying in a relationship with this vile man, nevermind marrying him.

Holy fuck, some people are just awful. Congratulations on escaping this and wishing you a wonderful future with everything you deserve.

It’s very confusing when people vote based on something other than the direct issue. It skews the result.

DH just wanted us to be married and have a lovely, happy day with our family and friends. He was incredibly thoughtful about the day and sorted lots of things out.

I was a size 16-18 when we got engaged 4 months earlier. My weight is never an issue for him. He thinks I am beautiful (he's deluded but I don't mind that). I did lose weight (for me and the photos) and was a size 14- I look slim at a size 14 -but he really would have been happy whatever I had weighed. He was so sure we were right for each other and thought he was really lucky that he was marrying me (and he was 😁).

My point is, your DP should want it to be a lovely day and for you both to be happy. He should be proud of you, be doing his best to make it the best day for you both, so it's one if your happy memories you share. He sounds like a shit who likes to make you feel grateful to him for being with you, as if he's doing you a favour. If you go along with that, he holds power over you and your self-esteem is eroded. He can behave badly and get away with it because you'll put up with it- what he's doing now is a classic example.

If you marry him you will be settling for less, less for the rest of your life, less love, less affection, less support, less respect, less joy, less happiness. You'll be choosing less for yourself.

Don't do it. Don't accept it. You deserve better and will find it and it will be someone who loves you and wants to be married to you whatever you weigh.

Many, many years ago now I had a partner who, over time, started going on and on about my weight (he wasn’t slim line either but that didn’t stop him). I dieted and lost weight but he found something else to go on about, he decided he didn’t like my hair. A bit of weight crept back on, not lots but enough to get him going on about my weight again. I wasn’t terribly overweight - a 16/18 depending on the shop - anyway I ended up finishing with him. Literally a weight lifted and without him constantly going on about my weight I actually lost the weight and have never put it back on.

YABU for considering marrying him, and having a bar so low that saying babe in a sentence actually means something

You had to get a new job because he wanted you to, your hen do is his family, you haven’t lost weight for him…..

You want to marry him still?

You love someone who is abusing you?

Dodged a bullet. Run.
I know it's been 15 years but LTB.
Assuming you have ducks in a row and name on the house.
Sell it. Contact CMS.
Let him send his wanky message.
Then tell everyone when he says unforeseen circumstances that "Unforeseen circumstances are that he says I have not lost enough weight. I have therefore decided to dump some excess weight by leaving the prick."
And do it. Seriously.

Lose 15 stone of ugly fat today.

This will never improve and in fact will get worse once you are tied to him. If you don't walk now, he knows you never will once married so he will escalate.

Honestly, my DH and I have both had surgeries and are both covered in scars and neither of us look good naked but we have each other's back and have from the outset. I wouldn't have married him if he objected to something so superficial. We have both been porkers and stick thin for a variety of reasons. We are still alive and still together.

Get rid.

Doesn't matter that I have organised the whole thing whilst working a full time job, learning a new role in a job I hate because he wanted me to find something that pays better.

So he complains you are fat and doesn't want to marry you because of it and made you change jobs to something you don't want to do. This man is abusive, please don't marry him. Life is only going to get worse. It is much easier to split now than if you were married.

Do not marry him. You will be worried your whole marriage that he is going to leave you if you don't lose weight or maintain your weight. As someone who struggles with her weight (also a size 16-18) it is not worth the added stress that will give you - we give ourselves enough negativity about our own bodies that we don't need others to do it for us.

You deserve much better and someone who doesn't care about if you lose or gain weight.

If his concerns were health related he would be addressing it in a different manner, encouraging and helping you - not shaming you with photos and threating to cancel the wedding for not losing weight.

Not sure if this has already been suggested but I can think of a MASSIVE weight loss plan for you -

Dump his sorry ass!!!!!

You'll be a minimum 8 stone lighter possibly more.

I'm sorry to break it to you but he is not the one for you.

Call the whole thing off and you do it first, and if asked why you're not going ahead, tell them the truth.

If in time this man is the one for you (I really don't think he is), the weight issue will not be an issue, and things will mend themselves but at the moment, he's not the one for you.

15 years and two kids down the line

He doesn’t want to marry you.
Its that simple.

He has obviously been trying to find a way to get out of getting married and as the time has gotten closer and it’s becoming more real, he’s looking for any excuse to get out of it.

As you have DC it is actually beneficial for you to be married.

So I would go ahead with the wedding as planned and tell him if he wants to call it off and end the relationship then that’s on him to do (not try and get you to do it for him so he doesn’t look like the bad guy to everyone else - which is exactly what he’s trying to do).

You carry on.
You have an amazing hen night and as good of a wedding as you possibly can.
See it as a celebration of your life and kids, rather than marrying an absolute twat.

Once you are officially married then I’d seriously consider ending the relationship.

“I love him to bits and have stood by him no matter what…”

And this is what you’ll continue to do even though he treats you like shit.

You need to wake up and see your relationship for what it is. But you won’t because denial and cuddles during the football are easier to deal with.

It’s the kids I feel sorry for - they see this as a model and grow up to replicate their own fucked up version. The cycle never ends and abusive men get a willing dope with low self esteem who will endlessly put up with their shit and they get away with it.

You will never please this Bozo and you will spend your life trying even harder to please him while he keeps changing the goal posts.

My advice to you is to call the wedding and the relationship off and tell people why.

All the best going forward.

If I was you, I would tell him that you agree to calling off the wedding as you don't want to be with someone who can treat you like this. You are the mother of his children and your value doesn't come from your dress size. I would need space from him to seriously think about what type of relationship your in and the example it sends to your children. Nobody deserves to be treated like this.

I’m fairly outraged by what he has said to OP, but there are nonetheless bits of this I agree with - in particular that you can love someone but say nasty things to them.

Its obviously an awful way to treat her, but at the same time this is a sickness that ails large parts of society. He’s feeling jittery ( and maybe even protective of op) because the truth is society judges the overweight- and harshly. Yes he’s wrong for buying into it, but he certainly didn’t create the issue.

The real issue here is why we let overweight people receive such a bashing and have created a society where it is open season to comment. Being underweight comes with its own stresses on the nhs, mh issues and, let’s face it, unattractive appearance. Yet everyone would ( rightly) gasp 😱 at the obvious lack of empathy if people body shamed anorexics ( and there are varying degrees of this, many of them totally unaware). And even beyond wright, there are far worse character failings in society that go unremarked upon. We have an obesity problem and it isn’t just the heavy people who suffer from it. It’s used as an outlet to kick others with impunity - a sickness more damaging to society.