Bride in need I really don't know where to turn

[ForBetterForWorseOrNot]

15 years and two kids down the line into out relationship, 6 weeks until our wedding and his on about calling the whole thing off because his not happy how I haven't lost the weight he wants me to before the wedding. Apparently I have made absolutely no effort. Doesn't matter that I have organised the whole thing whilst working a full time job, learning a new role in a job I hate because he wanted me to find something that pays better.

My hen is supposed to be this weekend with my bf, his sil his dm, his eldest niece and a couple others mainly his family. Everything was fine earlier today. His said so many times how I've not lost the weight but that he loves me anyway and I know his going to marry me either way. Currently on holiday with the kids, his taken a few photos today, zoomed in on me, sent them to me this evening and resulted to silent treatment. When I asked him about it he said I've made no effort at all about my weight and that his going to message everyone saying due to unforseen circumstances the wedding is off.

Right now I'm not sure I want to marry him after this. But if he does would it be wrong to tell people exactly what's happened and tell him the house is going on the market. How can you tell your partner of 15 years she's overweight (size 16 to 18) and your calling off the wedding that's 6 weeks away to callingvher babe in the same sentence. He was literally cuddling up to me in the pub watching the England match 5 hours ago.

Yikes, wedding would be cancellled asap and I’d be going on my hen do regardless and having the piss up of my life celebrating a near miss.

You are not throwing 15 years away, you are saving yourself from another 15 years of a life with this horrible man

You are being abused, OP. You must wake up. Don’t let sunk cost fallacy keep you in an abusive relationship.

What makes you say that? 🤔

I love him to bits

Why? And does he reciprocate? (The answer to the second one is 'no'.)

He doesn't realise the negative comments knock me for six

Of course he does.

and have stood by him no matter what

Hmm. You've said this a few times. What have you had to stand by? What's the 'what' that doesn't matter?

Well I hope you send him a picture of someone with a six pack and tell him he has six weeks.

@ForBetterForWorseOrNot any chance a "mate" of his sent the messages ? was he in the pub?

Please think of the person who loves you most in the world and then think about how they would feel if they knew he was saying this stuff to you.

Or think about how you'd feel if your daughter was treated in the same way.

It is not ok, not excusable. You deserve better.

Tell him that you’re calling it off. You might reconsider in a few years when he’s proved himself to be worthy.

Do not marry this abusive bastard. Don't let sunk-cost fallacy trap you in an abusive marriage.

Bin him, tell people the truth about why he's binned, and have a happier life without him. His manipulation and abuse will only cause you and your children more harm; it won't go away, it'll only get worse.

Show your children and yourself that women in general and you in particular in this case, deserve better than this.

Listen to him. He has been very clear. Your weight is an issue to him. It will continue to be an issue. He will shame you about it forever now.

You’ve been together for 15 years and have 2 kids. He’s doesn’t want to marry you. If he did you’d be married by now. He’s trying to get out of it and he’s using weight as an excuse. As PP said, it’s not about the weight. If you were a millionaire supermodel he’d still find something wrong. If you would benefit from the marriage then go ahead but be aware that you are getting yourself into an abusive marriage - only you can decide if it’s worth it. You are marrying a very low quality man and he does not deserve you.

IKR?

I’m so sorry op. I actually suspect he does still intend to marry you he’s just being a horrible bully. If you do cancel the wedding I’d make sure at least all his close family know why.

"because his not happy how I haven't lost the weight he wants me to before the wedding."

I got this far in your original post and knew the answer. Surely you know the answer too.

Oh this weight malarkey. Don't engage. You will never win and it will always be a stick to beat you with. I fell for this. I did lose weight at one point and, it's hard to explain my feelings - but he was TOO delighted. He was so pleased and well I know now the term is I got the ick. I knew it was too important to him and that I couldn't maintain this. Of course I put it back on and it was a constant battle and worry - hiding food, comments when I ate anything, say when we went out with family for a meal. It wore me down. He cheated - I forgave him and so it went on. Eventually he left anyway and I had wasted YEARS on him and buggered up my relationship with food in the process.

Goodness OP. He's previously said that he'd "marry you regardless" of the weight? That is not OK. You are 15 years older than when you met and have had kids. Does he look the same as when you met? No belly? No receding hair?
Your lives are intertwined, sure. But it seems that you're not happy with pressure you feel from him about your job. And he's also pressuring you about your weight, and you feel grateful that he'll marry you despite the weight.
Don't make any rash decisions, but do have a think about whether he treats you the way you deserve - the way you'd want your best friend to be treated by her DH.

OP, the only reason to lose weight is for your own physical health, self esteem, and to be there longer for your children.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Is this how you want to be treated ? If this was happening to one of your children in the future would you think this was okay?
You have one life, just one. Why would you spend a second more of it with a man who takes photos of you, not as the happy beautiful mother of his children who he absolutely adores, but to show you how fat you are ?

Absolutely this 100%

You can do this. I'm not sure in the uk about leaving the house. But don't do it until you're sure you can live there and he has to leave.

15 years is a long time to walk away.

No, it really isn't when you imagine living with this vile excuse of an abusive, manipulative bully for another 15 years. At what point do you give yourself permission to lead a happier life? At what point can you tell yourself you are worth more than this? When are you allowed to say "enough"?

You ARE being emotionally and mentally abused. Go look on the Relate website or Women's Aid, or Refuge. Don't think it's that bad? How about looking on the uk government website or your local council or how about Citizen's Advice website for their description of emotional abuse. You will find yourself on every single one.

This is the man you want to stand by you- thick and thin, ups and downs, deaths, potentially caring for ill people in your life; and he says this?

There's plenty of me and my OH still says lovely things to me everyday.

I've voted yabu but because I don't think you should marry him. I'm so sorry OP.

Wat??

Let me guess… being slim comes easily to him?

I was with a man who wanted me to lose weight. It was exhausting and soul destroying. You cannot imagine what it’s like to be with someone who never makes those comments, sly digs, the ultimatums and makes you unworthy because of your weight. It makes your heart lighter.