Bride in need I really don't know where to turn

[ForBetterForWorseOrNot]

15 years and two kids down the line into out relationship, 6 weeks until our wedding and his on about calling the whole thing off because his not happy how I haven't lost the weight he wants me to before the wedding. Apparently I have made absolutely no effort. Doesn't matter that I have organised the whole thing whilst working a full time job, learning a new role in a job I hate because he wanted me to find something that pays better.

My hen is supposed to be this weekend with my bf, his sil his dm, his eldest niece and a couple others mainly his family. Everything was fine earlier today. His said so many times how I've not lost the weight but that he loves me anyway and I know his going to marry me either way. Currently on holiday with the kids, his taken a few photos today, zoomed in on me, sent them to me this evening and resulted to silent treatment. When I asked him about it he said I've made no effort at all about my weight and that his going to message everyone saying due to unforseen circumstances the wedding is off.

Right now I'm not sure I want to marry him after this. But if he does would it be wrong to tell people exactly what's happened and tell him the house is going on the market. How can you tell your partner of 15 years she's overweight (size 16 to 18) and your calling off the wedding that's 6 weeks away to callingvher babe in the same sentence. He was literally cuddling up to me in the pub watching the England match 5 hours ago.

House is now in both our names. Has been for couple years. When we first bought it I couldn't get on the mortgage due to credit rating as only worked 7 hours a week. Now it joint 50 50

What a surprise! You can be in house deeds even if you never worked a day in your life.

The mortgage is separate altogether

@Marine30 what doesn't kill you makes you stronger as they say. A close friend of mine has been through the toughest couple of years and when I think how she's coped it reminds me that in many ways I'm lucky. I'm healthy and so are my kids.

One thing I have learnt in life is look for the positives as it could always be worse. I've learnt life can really kick you when your down if you let it and to be fair, he has been there for me through some really tough times. When I had a cancer scare and our son was little he was amazing.

Our youngest needs alot of additional support and he does recognise how tough it's been. Part of the reason he wanted me to take the new job is because I can work from home and time off when our son is regularly sent home from school was an issue in my previous job, with this one I can still work if his sent home. He can't due to his job and it's impossible to work from home in his line of work. He does his hare of talking time off if needed for kids.

In general this is the only thing that we really argue about. The hen is more because my family are mainly up north. My mum was coming but she's currently on crutches. Future sil and my bf have organised everything as a surprise and I get on so well with dps sil. The house is 50 50 and regarding everything else I'm not in it for the money. We will be having a few serious conversations this weekend to decide where we go from here.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? It’s ok if you want to marry your partner but please don’t think what you perceive as “tough love” will make you stronger. Think of how much stronger you’d be if you were treated with kindness.

You're talking about throwing 15 years away, but what about the next 40/50 years? It's not about the weight, he's treated you like shite. Telling you he's worried about your health and he wants to help you be healthier would be one thing. The way he's done it is another. If it's not this, it'll be something else.

Also if he was drunk when he did it - is there a history of him being a nasty drunk? Will he give up drinking then, forever if so?

Christ he sounds like absolute cunt. OP you don't seem to see that yet, as you're defending him like crazy but please remember it's never too late to get rid of the asshole. You could get rid today, the night before the wedding, as you're standing at the altar, the day after, 10 years after.... but remember you will always deserve better than someone who treats you like this.

Im so sorry for you. Please find the strength to leave him this is coercive control. My ex husband told me I was too fat. Lost weight , was too thin. Didn’t want me working as I let housework slip. Then I didn’t contribute financially and got grief. Constantly putting me down and belittling me. Sulks and cold shoulder. I was so mentally worn down by him and convinced I was worthless when he started to be violent I accepted it as it was my fault. Please , for the sake of your children leave.

Tip for how to lose several stones of useless fat: ditch this wanker.

Really concerned by the excuses you’re making for him..

I'm going to go against the grain and say don't be too swayed by the responses on here, and take your time.

He's done a horrible thing but only you know what he (and the relationship) is normally like.

I'm not saying what he said/did is acceptable - it's not. But it sounds like you're going to take your time and talk it through with friends, DP etc. At the very least I'd be telling him what a horrible, hurtful thing he did, especially with the way he went about it. If you do stay with him, remember it doesn't have to be forever if he's not being a good partner. I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide.

Agreed.

Yep. 200lb of offensive fat gone in an instant !!

This is just so horrible and emotionally abusive. How dare he OP. I feel really sad for you. You deserve so much better than this. You really do. I know it’s easy for strangers to say LTB and it’s not that simple in real life. However I would not put up with this. You need to have a serious think about going ahead with this wedding.

you need a real answer why he doesn’t want to get married. Your weight is bullshit, if he didn’t want to marry a woman your size, he wouldn’t have asked you to marry him in the first place.

Surely you realise this is emotional abuse? Surely? I’m concerned at the amount of excuses you’re making for him. Taking your photo and zooming in and deliberately making you feel like shit? I can’t believe this is real, but if it is you cannot seriously be thinking of actually marrying this man?

Hi OP, wherever you are on this situation - and I know there is lots for you to consider -
please make sure you pull him up about his treatment re your size.
Whatever you chose to do moving forwards don’t let anyone treat you like that with photos and shaming. Don’t let niceness afterwards whitewash that sort of behaviour.
Perhaps it was a moment of madness and there are other issues at play and he is never normally like this (I hope so).
But you must take him to task on the photos and the ultimatum about losing weight before marriage. That really must be addressed. If you have a DD imagine how you’d feel if he’d been mean about her size and act the same way.

I’ve never responded to a Mumsnet post before but oh my gosh. Please leave him, he’s a pig and you deserve so much better x

Thank you.

That’s everyone else’s thoughts. But from what she’s written, I don’t think the OP will leave this man.

I'd be throwing the whole man out!
You can do better than someone who disrespects you like this

Is this man such a good specimen of manhood? Has he got a six pack, a full head of hair, looks like a young George Clooney/Brad Pitt or whoever? If not then his comments about your weight are somewhat redundant.

Walk away before it’s too late!
This man is not worth your tears.
imagine on your wedding day putting your dress on and not feeling like the beautiful bride as you will have his words swimming in the background.

What an appalling man.
Please do not marry him.
He is showing you massive disrespect

There is something very nasty about his behaviour. I admire u for being brave enough to admit how much you love him but what does he really think of you?

He doesn't love you enough, if at all, for you to pledge the rest of your life to him. He thinks it's fine to hurt you without any consequences. We can't see into the future but this situation is a fair insight.

Do this and walk away. He’s a bully.