Bride in need I really don't know where to turn

[ForBetterForWorseOrNot]

15 years and two kids down the line into out relationship, 6 weeks until our wedding and his on about calling the whole thing off because his not happy how I haven't lost the weight he wants me to before the wedding. Apparently I have made absolutely no effort. Doesn't matter that I have organised the whole thing whilst working a full time job, learning a new role in a job I hate because he wanted me to find something that pays better.

My hen is supposed to be this weekend with my bf, his sil his dm, his eldest niece and a couple others mainly his family. Everything was fine earlier today. His said so many times how I've not lost the weight but that he loves me anyway and I know his going to marry me either way. Currently on holiday with the kids, his taken a few photos today, zoomed in on me, sent them to me this evening and resulted to silent treatment. When I asked him about it he said I've made no effort at all about my weight and that his going to message everyone saying due to unforseen circumstances the wedding is off.

Right now I'm not sure I want to marry him after this. But if he does would it be wrong to tell people exactly what's happened and tell him the house is going on the market. How can you tell your partner of 15 years she's overweight (size 16 to 18) and your calling off the wedding that's 6 weeks away to callingvher babe in the same sentence. He was literally cuddling up to me in the pub watching the England match 5 hours ago.

So how does another 15 years feeling like this?

You know he's an arsehole, nice normal people don't act like this

OP, please read @Flipzandchipz post over and over.

I can only repeat what everyone else is saying.

This man sounds controlling, threatening, shallow,and appears not to love you for who you are.

I can completely understand how it can seem like an impossible task to walk away from this after 15 years, and children, but use cancellation of the wedding as a first step. And yes, it would be more than reasonable to simply forward his disgusting messages to the relatives and simply say the wedding is off.

I hope that one of the first things you can do is use some of the wedding money to treat yourself to something just for you.

But please, please, do not marry this man. Good luck.

So she should live with an arsehole who treats her like shit for financial security?

There are support agencies out there if she's stuck

@benid thats so sad and an example of extreme controlling and coercive behaviour. That poor woman! Please tell me she’s no longer with him?

@AngelinaFibres the question was for you re this poor woman?

I'm guessing it's not just the weight and your lack of earnings he has criticised.

Would someone who really loves you say nasty things to make you miserable? I tell him to call the wedding off

Marry him so you've got your legal and financial options sorted, then divorce him.

Marriage is a lock tight legal partnership which will need lawyers to unpick. She'll probably get more as a divorced wife than a walking-away girlfriend.

I very very rarely say ditch the bastard but in this case I am making a very big exception - DITCH HIM!! This has nothing to do with your weight, he doesn't want to get married and if, after 15 years and 2 kids, he doesn't want to get married then don't waste any more time on this absolute loser of a person. I won't say man because he's not a man, he's an absolute abhorrent human. The fact that he's making it about your weight so its YOUR problem and you're the reason you aren't getting married speaks volumes about him, get the fuck out.

He must actually have had a mental illness to be that obsessive about it. It’s incredibly sick behaviour.

No, definitely not. But too many women end up penniless after giving up good jobs and trusting men that they’ll be looked after or wouldn’t be left homeless in a split. If he owns the house she could be left with nothing in a split. So marriage might not be the long term plan because he sounds like an abusive shit. But it might be a shorter term financial consideration along with seeing a solicitor. Because abusive shits shouldn’t get to keep all the money.

Where do you get from my post that I think he will suddenly be kind and play nice? I've already said he's a twat, that was a clue I would have thought?

Anyway, if OP decides to marry him to get her share then I wouldn't attempt to dissuade her, why shouldn't she? I wouldn't and didn't suggest that she marries him for love. She can do that with a nicer man after the divorce/recovery.

As you've rightly said, we have no idea of the financials but OP does, so no need for us to comment on them.

I was going to ask the same thing....

Because if he's already this abusive because he wants her to end the engagement, why do you think it will be easier to get out of the marriage?

He clearly doesn't want to marry her for whatever reason. Why force him into it, live like it, with the risk of abuse getting worse or even physical.

She absolutely should not get married to prove a point to him.

He's going to break her down even more over the 12 months following the marriage that she will find it harder to leave.

Mental health and the recovery isn't worth risking for 12 months of being in a marriage that one person doesn't want to be part of and who is actively abusing the other person.

Aside from pension, what else will she gain from marriage then divorce? The house is jointly owned and paid 50/50. You don't need to be married to sort out childcare or maintenance. I can't see any advantage to marrying an abuser

Agree with @YellowphantGrey .. Op will get even more trapped and beaten down. The plan of getting married to get divorced sounds good however the reality of it is far from this. @ForBetterForWorseOrNot I think you should speak to women’s aid only if it’s to just have someone listen as your partner probably has a lot more abusive traits you’ve never considered. My ExH was abusive and it took me a long time to realise he didn’t love or give a shit about me!

We'll agree to disagree, Yellowphantgrey, if OP needs financial security then she should have that. As an unmarried woman she has no rights. That's it really.

OP has rights to the property as co-owner, to child maintenance from DCs' father and to relevant benefits. She earns well (in a job she hates, but it's a step up). A split now won't be any harder or less advantageous than a divorce.

Thanks for the advice all. It's been a long day. After about 4 hours of sleep last night I've had a lot of thinking to do.

His almost acting like he never said anything and so I called him out on it. Told him straight if he wants out then he can at least have the balls to say so. I also pointed out that I haven't made my mind up if I want to marry him after this but that if I decide not to that I assume we will need to put the house on the market. His answer was he doesn't want to end the relationship so I told him straight that cancelling the wedding is ending the relationship as I won't be sticking around if it's something we decide to do.

Going to have a night with my closest friends this weekend and talk it through with them. Then see where I decide to go from here.

How could you possibly marry him after this? Honestly?

This is horrendous. It might be worth seeing a solicitor now to understand your position on separation vs divorce. Don’t assume that having your name on the mortgage means a fair split of the assets.

I'd sack the cunt off. You'd lose a lot more weight then. What an utter thunder cunt he is. I'd call it off and tell people why. No money in the world could make me wanting marry THAT

YABU for even considering to marry him. He sounds an utter knob head.

It sounds like you really could do with a break from the man OP. Your self esteem sounds really low. If he’s been making these comments on and off over 15 years no wonder.

Could you ask him to leave for a bit so you can figure out what you really want if possible? It just feels like all the power is in his hands. He should be explaining the reasons behind the wedding being cancelled (and exposing his awful, rude, derogatory behaviour) but it seems like you’re picking up the pieces always and smoothing the way.

You sound like a real trooper. Do not forget your own worth. Sounds like he is doing his best to grind you down. Whatever you do just put you and your kids first. He deserves nothing.

You can't. Really. Have some self respect if nothing else. You are worthy of better.