Bride in need I really don't know where to turn

[ForBetterForWorseOrNot]

15 years and two kids down the line into out relationship, 6 weeks until our wedding and his on about calling the whole thing off because his not happy how I haven't lost the weight he wants me to before the wedding. Apparently I have made absolutely no effort. Doesn't matter that I have organised the whole thing whilst working a full time job, learning a new role in a job I hate because he wanted me to find something that pays better.

My hen is supposed to be this weekend with my bf, his sil his dm, his eldest niece and a couple others mainly his family. Everything was fine earlier today. His said so many times how I've not lost the weight but that he loves me anyway and I know his going to marry me either way. Currently on holiday with the kids, his taken a few photos today, zoomed in on me, sent them to me this evening and resulted to silent treatment. When I asked him about it he said I've made no effort at all about my weight and that his going to message everyone saying due to unforseen circumstances the wedding is off.

Right now I'm not sure I want to marry him after this. But if he does would it be wrong to tell people exactly what's happened and tell him the house is going on the market. How can you tell your partner of 15 years she's overweight (size 16 to 18) and your calling off the wedding that's 6 weeks away to callingvher babe in the same sentence. He was literally cuddling up to me in the pub watching the England match 5 hours ago.

You already know the answer. What would you say if one of your children came home saying their partner was being abusive about their weight?

How much does he weigh?

Exactly this.

Can I ask:

• is he overweight?
• does he take good care of himself eg hygiene, no holes in pants/socks etc
• how much does he earn
• how many days a week do you both work
• how much childcare does he do
• how much house work does he do

if the answers to these show you carry the relationship, household, children and mental load as I would suspect they might, my question is why carry on further years on a bad investment?

so you spent 15 years together? There’s no award for being loyal to someone who is wasting your time and mean to you. You deserve better.

even your hen do guest list sounds controlling. I would consider your financial security and leave when you can.

He is awful!

Yes you should say to everyone that the hen do is cancelled, your fiancé has called it off because he thinks your are too fat.

Don’t let him tell you it didn’t happen. Tell him he has called the wedding off by calling you fat and you agree that it should stay called off. Why waste another 15 years.

My ex was a little bit like this, to a certain extent. He would say he wasn't attracted to me when I was heavier. We eventually split for several reasons but the most important of which was that he had zero respect for me and I think this is the case for you. He has no respect for you and that is absolutely 100% not your fault, it is all on him. This is very much a case for splitting up, not what you want but you deserve a man who loves you for who you are, not what you look like. I eventually found a man who loves me being slim or fat (as I am now!) we are getting married next year and he wouldn't dream of asking me to lose weight, it just wouldn't happen. You can find a man like this too.
Please dig deep and get the strength you need to leave him, it won't get better and you deserve better than this x

That is emotional abuse. You may have been in an abusive relationship for many years and not realised. I wouldn't be going through with the wedding.
You need to reach out to your friends and family for support and consider womens aid and having a read around emotional abuse and coercive control.

I would 100% not marry this prick. Dump his miserable ungrateful mean arse. What a shit!!

Divorcing this prick will be a nightmare. He sounds unhinged.

So sorry

I would dump the b***d and send out a msg first telling everyone ‘weddings off, assface says i am too fat so we are no longer together’. Sorry your going through this op

I haven't read anybody's posts others than your first one, OP, but my advice, as you have children and presumably would need financial support is to marry the twat, countdown the year you need to divorce him and then do that.

If you have means to support yourself then don't marry him at all.

What an excuse for a man he is, OP. Total support for your feelings of revulsion here. You have time to think about your way forward, if only weeks, take them all and make your plan.

I never think advising anyone to marry their abuser is a good idea. Why would leaving an abusive marriage be easier than leaving an abusive relationship?

Money

I don't think it's good for women to marry full stop but if they do then there needs to be a good reason for it, whatever it is.

In OP's case, if she needs financial support/legal security that marriage brings then after 15 bloody years she should have that. Marriage gives that to her and confers that status.

If OP marries with the plan to divorce then whatever he is is immaterial, she has a plan to get out from the start. I'm cheering OP on with whatever she decides, just no sleepwalking into thinking that he will ever change because he won't. He is a twat.

What have been the toughest times with him, OP?

Don't marry him. On one of the most supposedly happiest days of your life, he says this. I know emotions can run high but hurting you on this day should be the last thing he wants to do. Be careful if he is that invested in appearances. You don't want him losing his temper at you if you're married either if how you appeared to people didn't meet his expectations. Maybe this is a lucky escape? You could try get as much of your money back as you can and keep it as needed

That actually made me cry. That poor woman, that’s genuinely heartbreaking.

This is vile. Get rid. Seriously get rid. No matter how hard you think it might be, in the long run you will absolutely be happier without having to be partnered by this horrible specimen

This 100%.

Ah.
The old sunk costs fallacy...
You've wasted xx number of years on this pig.
Don't waste xx more and look back on the best years of your life with regret and anger.

If you were to marry him with the plan to divorce soon after to secure your financial future, is there the risk that he might refuse to divorce you? Could you get stuck in the marriage? Only ask because a good friend struggled for years to get her divorce through.

OP, this is abuse.

He is a vile man trying to threaten you in to losing weight. If it's such a big thing for him why is he with you? He is doing this to abuse you and it sounds like he's done a number on you.

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.

Get out now as you have realised what a horrible person he is; you only have one life.

This is exactly what I was trying to say.
Thank you.

God. Call off the wedding. You simply cannot marry a man who is so nasty