Bride in need I really don't know where to turn

[ForBetterForWorseOrNot]

15 years and two kids down the line into out relationship, 6 weeks until our wedding and his on about calling the whole thing off because his not happy how I haven't lost the weight he wants me to before the wedding. Apparently I have made absolutely no effort. Doesn't matter that I have organised the whole thing whilst working a full time job, learning a new role in a job I hate because he wanted me to find something that pays better.

My hen is supposed to be this weekend with my bf, his sil his dm, his eldest niece and a couple others mainly his family. Everything was fine earlier today. His said so many times how I've not lost the weight but that he loves me anyway and I know his going to marry me either way. Currently on holiday with the kids, his taken a few photos today, zoomed in on me, sent them to me this evening and resulted to silent treatment. When I asked him about it he said I've made no effort at all about my weight and that his going to message everyone saying due to unforseen circumstances the wedding is off.

Right now I'm not sure I want to marry him after this. But if he does would it be wrong to tell people exactly what's happened and tell him the house is going on the market. How can you tell your partner of 15 years she's overweight (size 16 to 18) and your calling off the wedding that's 6 weeks away to callingvher babe in the same sentence. He was literally cuddling up to me in the pub watching the England match 5 hours ago.

Bloody hell that’s awful!

I hope she got away from this abusive, controlling man eventually.

'He doesn't realise the negative comments knock me for six "

He does know.

He's putting you in a position where you have to plead with him to marry you, that you feel relieved he's gone through with it.

You deserve to be with someone who feels lucky to marry you.

Please don't allow yourself to be treated this badly.

Get rid of him: he’s gaslighting you big time. What sort of a man would say such horrible things to a person he professes to love?
Make sure everyone knows what an arsehole he is when you ditch him.
You deserve better ❤️

Call off the wedding and run, please, please do not marry this abusive, nasty piece of shit!!

My ExH did this and left me one year after we married because I had put on 8 pounds (I was 9 stone 2). It wasn’t anything to do with that it was because he couldn’t control me anymore, he found someone else to bully 2 days later (clearly he had also been cheating on me) - that didn’t last either!!! It has taken me 20 years to move past his horrible comments- please do not let that be you.

He is clearly controlling in other ways too - why on earth is he going on your hen do!!

Please, please look after yourself and leave.

Please don’t marry him. Tell EVERYONE why. Dont sugar coat it. Let people see him for exactly what he is.
I am so sorry op.

Don't marry him. Message everyone yourself saying the wedding is off because of this, say exactly the reason why. Let him suffer a massive heap of shame and embarrassment.

Embrace who you are, what an absolutely piece of dog turd he is.

He's horrible and isn't attracted to you.

You don't see those words written as a greeting in Wedding cards, do you.

He's just not a nice person. A nice person wouldn't do that. I get that LTB isn't that easy but...I think in this case it might be worth the trouble.

OP has 2 kids, one with additional needs, with him. She only worked part time previously. I would assume he earns more than OP and has a better pension pot.

I assume @Choochoo21 is suggesting that OP might as well go ahead with the wedding at this late stage as it will give her more legal rights when they split. She should get half of the house if they split now (assuming she is on the deeds and they own the house equally). She may get more than 50:50 if they marry and divorce plus entitlement to his pension pot. I can see Choochoo’s logic. It’s not like getting married is going to make splitting any harder, it might make it easier, the wedding is already paid for, they won’t get their money back…

Ditch him. It would be a massive mistake to marry him.

Choochoo21
This EXACTLY why he has done it !!

Don't fall for it ! Please please marry him . You have 15 years of graft he owes you for. People saying don't marry simply don't understand how much you will lose out on by not being married. It may not seem much now but even if neither of you are house owners. - a pension sharing order to compensate for all the hard work of pregnancy, mat leave and childcare is only yours if you are married !

Please don't fall into his trap of getting you to cancel ! If he wants to cancel he can be the one to do it !

Bet he won't . Like all cowards wants to look like the 'big man' and will get too much of a hard time by his family who are in 'wedding mode' ..

You calling it off is literally playing into his hands . Yours has every reasonable prospect of being regarded as a 'long marriage ' due to the 15 years cohabitation and kids immediately prior .

Or she ends up marrying, the abuse becomes worse, she never leaves and it becomes more difficult and the children think this is what a normal, loving relationship is and then go on to form relationships of a similar nature and so the cycle continues.

If she won't leave now, why will she leave when she's married?

@Tenaciousbeyondallthings they have a mortgage and OP is 50/50. She will get half of the house.

What a bullying piece of shit. I would not stay in a relationship with a man that is ashamed of me. I have done that in the past and it just eroded my self worth and I wasted years of my life. Having a mortgage and children together is not reason to stay with a horrible bully. Think of what example that sets for your children when it comes to how people speak to and judge each other. You are worth more than this pathetic scumbag.

Please please please don't marry this man. Get out while you can. Yes you have children with him and I'm assuming a home also.. but it's still easier to leave it there than to get a divorce 🩷

Leafygreen84 Thanks for that . It's good to know I missed that update.. but i bet his works pension has improved considerably whilst the OP was busy child bearing/raising and earning a lot less to facilitate his full time contributions . It's definitely something she needs to know/consider .

If I were you OP I would see if there is anyway you can find out its value .. as a 15 yr relationship ending in marriage with kids would probably entitle you to near 50% (usual caveats apply with legal stuff as we do not know your exact situation/location/laws applicable in your area . )

Cos I bet he’s an oil painting himself. Utter cunt

He’s gaslighting you. He wants to call off the wedding but saying it’s because of you. It isn’t, it’s because of him.

He’s a prick.

Don’t marry him. He’s already ruined the wedding with this behaviour and you’ll be feeling worthless all day if you go through with it.

It really isn't if they already have joint home ownership.. divorce is easy if you can fill in a form or two.. it's the money that makes it harder .

Why should she leave with half a house and a crap pension ? She's put in 15 years of hard graft and is due what she is due if it weren't for our crap non existent cohabitation laws .

This goes for all those women who think just because they get a share of the house and possibly savings / assets. They are 'fine' ..
Only to find at retirement he is living like a King on his high earner pension, achieved at the cost of his 'dp' putting her body and earnings on hold to facilitate this for him .

I am quite passionate about this as my mums best friend had 3 kids with a man who didn't believe in marriage..had 4 kids with him .. he unsurprisingly found his 'belief' with his 23 year younger work colleague..

Mums friend has a part time pension from NHS.. and will have to keep working into her late 60s. Her ex DP retired on his fat pension at 60. If she had died in childbirth and he had to work 'mum hours' .. it would be a quarter . He literally retired because of her graft enabling him to pay in.

He has shown you who he is... believe him.

He's someone who thinks it's fine to insult you, to undermine your self worth, make you doubt yourself, threaten leaving you, make you feel stressed at what should be a really happy time, blows hot and cold...

Do you want to tie yourself forever to somebody who brings you down rather than lifts you up? There's someone out there who will love you for you, exactly as you are. This is not the guy who will help you make the most of your life.

Please don't marry this guy.

If she won't leave now, why will she leave when she's married

I don’t understand your point, @YellowphantGrey? I was explaining Choochoo’s logic behind her advice that OP should go ahead with the wedding at this late stage even if she wants to end the relationship because it will give her more legal rights and likely put her in a better financial position - she may get more than 50% of the house, some of his pension pot. I can see Choochoo’s POV.

And that gives him the right to say what he has to her - that he's considering calling off the wedding because she's not lost any weight! Really?

If money were the case, how about he sits down and discusses it with her, y'know, like a grown up adult ?

To add "marry you regardless" is not the compliment you're trying to make it out to be - it is HUGELY insulting for him to even insinuate your weight is something he has to 'put up with'. You are you. You personality and being inhabit your body. Your body is not your entire being but it's the brilliant thing that carries you around through this world and endures a lot so he should fucking love it. What a prick.

I'd be calling it off myself and telling everyone the actual reasons, let them see him for who he is.

Don't put yourself through marrying him as he will only get worse.

He won't call the wedding off. Instead he has resorted to abuse to get the OP to call the wedding off.

If she doesn't and goes ahead with the marriage, she is with him for another 12 months. Do you think the abuse will magically stop or potentially get worse.

He's intent on making her life a misery, the more abusive a relationship comes, the harder it is to leave.

She can't decide if to leave now, why would the decision and action be easier after 12 months more of abuse?